Saving Silverman
2001
Judith: Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges!
Wayne: So Darren tells me you're a psychologist. Judith: That's right. Wayne: I'm in a related field. Judith: Really? What is it? Wayne: Pest and rodent removal. Judith: How is that related? Wayne: We both help people.
Wayne: Dude! J.D.: Dude! Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door? J.D.: I'm eatin'. Wayne: So? J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'. Wayne: Since when? J.D.: Since always. Wayne: I never knew that. J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay. Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me? J.D.: I got three balls. Wayne: Shut up! God! J.D.: Dude. Dude. Dude!
Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend? J.D.: Yes... No! Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man? J.D.: Which man? Judith: Any man! J.D.: You mean like a tall man? Judith: Sure, whatever! J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me! Judith: What about a short man? J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets! Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all? J.D.: Does that include celebrities?
Coach Norton: So, did you off that bitch? Wayne: Yeah J.D.: We offed her good! Coach Norton: Good, what'd you do with the body? Wayne: We um... J.D.: Ate her... Coach Norton: You ate her? Wayne: Yeah... Coach Norton: Hell boys I'm proud of you. That's the best way to do it!
J.D.: Comingtoyaaaahaaaa
Wayne: Our enemy is wicked, so... J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger. Wayne: Damien. J.D.: Dude, she's Vader. Wayne: No! She's the Emperor. J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits. Wayne: Ok, now Sandy, that girl, she's a real nice girl. J.D.: Ah, yeah. Wayne: She's a sweetheart. J.D.: Dude, a saint. Wayne: A goddess. J.D.: A princess. Wayne: No what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa. J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.
J.D.: Fuck you, replacement-friends! Wayne: Eat this, Fake Wayne!
Darren: I love you too, Judith. Sandy: Judith?
J.D.: Do you want anything to drink? Judith: Scotch on the rocks J.D.: Do you want ice with that?
Coach Norton: When are you going to get hitched there, son? J.D.: Actually I'm not, I'm GAY. Coach Norton: Oh... me too!
J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like, (making obscene gestures with his hands) 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha! Wayne: Dude, mime's don't talk. J.D.: They do when they're off duty.
Judith: It took balls. Big balls.
Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples. Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls. Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
(after Sandy has left with Wayne and J.D) Mother Superior: Damn! Lost another one! Nun: Son of a bitch.
J.D.: Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember? Sandy: Um, no I don't think I recall... J.D.: Yeah, c'mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body? Sandy: Um... J.D.: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong? Sandy: No, JD, I really... J.D.: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks.
Wayne: You're not gay... you're just confused. J.D.: Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me? Wayne: NO!
J.D.: Maybe she's a herm. Darren: A what? J.D.: Ya know, a herm. A little puss, little dick.
(after seeing a hot woman in a bar) . Wayne: Carpe poon, man.
J.D.: Isn't one-and-only supposed to be, like, one? And only?
(approaching America Avenue) Neil Diamond: Hey, we're coming to America.
(Judith has torched Darren's Neil Diamond albums) J.D.: She torched Neil? You're right. She is a monster.
Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming? Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?
Wayne: Admit it! I'm the assertive man you need, and you're the hardcore bitch I've always dreamed of!
(Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren) Wayne: She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants. J.D.: I thought his ass looked tighter!
Darren: I don't have much time, guys. I have to go home and wax Judith's legs.
Judith: (to Wayne) There is no right girl for you! And if you've already met her, she's probably either killed herself, or become a lesbian.
Coach Norton: Remember, boys! STAY AWAY from women! All they want from you is your man-juice! If you ever get the kind of urges that cannot be supressed by hard liquor, the use this! (showing them his right hand)
Judith: Loser. Wayne: Skank. Judith: Eunuch. Wayne: Stealer of... my... best friend!
Wayne: Judith escaped. J.D.: ... Dehrrrrrrrr.
J.D.: You've been piching loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there!
J.D.: What happened? Judith: (Karate yell) Wah!
J.D.: (bringing a box of videos to Judith) There's porn and monster trucks. And one that's both.
Judith: I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother. Wayne: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse. J.D.: It's true!