Rustlers' Rhapsody
1985
Bob Barber: Ever faced another good guy before? Rex O'Herlihan: Nope. Bob Barber: Me neither. Rex O'Herlihan: Kinda makes you wonder what'll happen. Bob Barber: I figure the good guy'll win, just like always. Rex O'Herlihan: Yeah, except we're both good guys. Bob Barber: Then I figure the most good good guy will win. Rex O'Herlihan: That's how I figure, too. Bob Barber: Yep.
Colonel Ticonderoga: You missed! How could you miss?! Henchman: Even with these scopes we have a target a hundred yards away, maybe more! We've never fired these guns before! There's a definite wind factor AND we have a problem with the sun! Colonel Ticonderoga: Just shoot him, okay?
Rex O'Herlihan: You're not a good guy at all! Bob Barber: I'm a lawyer, you idiot!
Rex O'Herlihan: Give me a tall glass of warm gin with a human hair in it.
Rex O'Herlihan: This is 1884. You've gotta date and date and date and date and sometimes marry 'em even before... you know... Peter: Now, wait a minute. Are you tellin' me you've never... ? Rex O'Herlihan: Never. Peter: My God, Rex. You ARE a good guy.
Rex O'Herlihan: I need a little 'me' time.
Rex O'Herlihan: Root's Kickin' in!
Colonel Ticonderoga: Throw another fag on the fire. Henchman: A what? Colonel Ticonderoga: A log! Throw another log on the fire.
(henchmen knock on door) Colonel Ticonderoga: (In female voice) Who is it? Henchman: It's a bunch of your men. Colonel Ticonderoga: (clears throat and talks in deep voice) Be right there men.
Rex O'Herlihan: I'll curse if I wanna curse! Damn! Damn, damn, hell, damn, tee tee, doo doo!
Peter: For some reason, the bad guy was always a Colonel who had a beautiful daughter and about a thousand head of cattle which you would hear but never see.
Colonel Ticonderoga: Let me just ask you one question. There's just one thing I'm curious about. Why did you bring the body here? My God, this is a home, people live here! Henchman: Ah, Colonel, we didn't know what to do with him. Colonel Ticonderoga: Bury him! How about that! Don't you think that's a good idea? Henchman: Oh, yes sir, yes sir, Colonel! Colonel Ticonderoga: I mean, do you think that when somebody dies, they place them permanently on the family couch?
(As Peter bites into a hallucinogenic root) Peter: What is this? Rex O'Herlihan: Just a root. Peter: Hm. Well, from now on, I'm the town root junkie.