Robin Hood
1973
Clucky: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Marian: Or forgetful.
(about Robin) Sis: Oh, he's so handsome... just like his reward posters.
Hiss: Sire! Sire! They may be bandits. Prince John: Oh, poppycock. Female bandits? What next? Rubbish.
King Richard: Oh, Friar Tuck. It appears that I now have an outlaw for an in-law.
Little John: You're burning the chow! Robin Hood: Sorry, Johnny. I guess I was thinking about Maid Marian again. I can't help it. I love her, Johnny. Little John: Look, why don't ya stop moanin' and mopin' around? J-Just marry the girl. Robin Hood: Marry her? You don't just walk up to a girl, hand her a bouquet and say, "Hey, remember me? We were kids together. Will you marry me?" No, it just isn't done that way. Little John: Ah, come one, Robby. Climb the castle walls. Sweep her off her feet. Carry her off in style. Robin Hood: It's no use, Johnny. I've thought it all out, and it just wouldn't work. Besides, what have I got to offer her? Little John: Well, for one thing, you can't cook. Robin Hood: I'm serious Johnny. She's a highborn lady of quality. Little John: So she's got class. So what? Robin Hood: I'm an outlaw. That's what. That's no life for a lovely lady. Always on the run. What kind of a future is that? Friar Tuck: Oh, for heaven's sake, son. You're no outlaw. Why, someday, you'll be called a great hero. Robin Hood: A hero? Did you hear that, Johnny? We've just been pardoned! Little John: Oh, that's a gas. We ain't even been arrested yet.
(after being stuffed into a barrel full of ale...) Hiss: Please! Please! I don't drink!
Little John: You know somethin', Robin. I was just wonderin', are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh? Our robbin' the rich to feed the poor. Robin Hood: Rob? Tsk tsk tsk. That's a naughty word. We never rob. We just sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it. Little John: Borrow? Boy, are we in debt.
Prince John: I sentence you to sudden, instant, and even immediate death! Marian: Oh, no. Please. Please, sire. I beg of you to spare his life. Please have mercy. Prince John: My dear, emotional lady, why should I? Marian: Because I love him, Your Highness. Prince John: Love him? And does this prisoner return your love? Robin Hood: Marian, my darling, I love you more than life itself.
Robin Hood: Faint hearts never won fair lady.
Prince John: Hiss, with you around, who needs a court jester?
Clucky: (smacking Prince John on the head with the golden arrow) Take that, you scurvy knave! Prince John: Seize the fat one!
Hiss: And you? Who might you be, sir? Little John: I am Sir Reginald, Duke of Chutney. And don't stick your tongue out at me, kid.
Prince John: Mother... Mother always did like Richard best.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Wait a minute. Is the safety on Old Betsy? Trigger: (tapping the side of the crossbow) You bet it is, Sheriff. Sheriff of Nottingham: That's what I'm afraid of. You go first.
Prince John: (chasing Sir Hiss into the burning castle) You eel in snake's clothing!
Hiss: I tried to tell you, but no, no, no, you wouldn't listen. Your traps just never work. And now look what you've done to your mother's castle.
Prince John: Robbed! I've been robbed! Hiss! You're never around when I need you! I've been robbed. Hiss: Of *course* you've been robbed!
Prince John: One more hiss out of you... uhm... Hiss. And you are *walking* to Nottingham. Hiss: (to himself) Snakes don't walk, they slither. Hmph. So there.
Little John: Hey! Who's drivin' this flyin' umbrella?
Alan-A-Dale: You know, there's been a heap of legends and tall tales about Robin Hood. All different too. Well, we folks of the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what *really* happened in Sherwood Forest.
Prince John: Taxes! Taxes! Beautiful, lovely taxes! Ah-hah! Ah-hah! Hiss: S-Sire, you have an absolute skill for encouraging contributions from the poor. Prince John: To coin a phrase, my dear counselor, rob the poor to give the rich.
Skippy: You gotta take the oath. Toby: The oath? Tagalong: Put your hand on your heart and cross your eyes. Skippy: Spider, snakes and a lizard head. Toby: (repeats) Spider, snakes and a lizard's head. Skippy: If I tattletale, I'll die till I'm dead. Toby: (repeats) If I tattletale, I'll die till I'm dead.
Sheriff of Nottingham: "Criminently", Trigger! Point that peashooter the other way. Trigger: Don't you worry none, Sheriff. The safety's on Old Betsy. (Old Betsy goes off) Sheriff of Nottingham: What in tarnation you tryin' to do, you birdbrain? Trigger: Just doin' my duty, Sheriff. Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, you and that itchy trigger finger of yours.
Prince John: (talking in his sleep) It's Robin Hood I? I want.
Robin Hood: That's all of them. Get going! Little John: This ain't no hayride. Let's move it outta here. Hoooooo! Friar Tuck: On to Sherwood Forest!
Prince John: Hiss, this is a red-letter day. A coup d'etat, to coin the Norman phrase.
Prince John: That insolent blackguard... Oooh! I'll show him who wears the crown! Hiss: I share your loathing, Sire. That scurrilous scoundrel who fooled you with that silly disguise, who dared to rob you and made you look so utterly ridiculous... Prince John: Enough! (swings at Hiss, who dodges him) Prince John: Hiss, you deliberately dodged. Hiss: But, but, but... Sire, please. Prince John: Stop sniveling and hold still. (Hiss holds still while Prince John hits him) Hiss: (dazed) Thank you, Sire.
Toby: I'm scared of Prince John. He's cranky.
Prince John: Traitors to the crown must... Robin Hood: (cutting him off) Traitor to the crown? That crown belongs to King Richard. Long live King Richard! Crowd: Long live King Richard! Prince John: (Throwing a childish tantrum) Enough! I am King! King! King! Off with his head!
Clucky: As your lady in waiting, I'm waiting.
Sheriff of Nottingham: (Little John is secretly holding a dagger on Prince John and demanding Robin Hood's release) There's something funny going on around here. Little John: (whispering) Now, tell my pal to kiss Maid Marian, or I've just found a new pincushion. (the Sheriff goes behind the throne and sees Little John) Sheriff of Nottingham: Why, you! (tries to hit Little John with his sword, but misses. Little John lets go of Prince John and hits the Sheriff back) Prince John: (shouts) Kill him! Don't stand there, kill him!
Sheriff of Nottingham: (the Sheriff has taken the only coin from the Poor Box, and Friar Tuck is furious) Take it easy, Friar, I'm just doing my duty. Friar Tuck: Collecting taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Prince John? Sheriff of Nottingham: Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose. Friar Tuck: (shouts) Get out of my church! Out! Out! Out! *Out*! (pushes the Sheriff out into the rain)
(the Sheriff of Nottingham enters the castle singing) Sheriff of Nottingham: He throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way / He calls for Mom and sucks his thumb and doesn't want to play / Too late to be known as John the First, he's sure to be known as John the Worst! (to Sir Hiss) Sheriff of Nottingham: (speaking) Am I right? Hiss: (chuckles) That's P.J. to a "T". Let me try, let me try. (lowers his voice) Hiss: (singing) Too late to be known as John the First, he's sure to be known as John the Worst! (sees Prince John peeking behind a door, with a glass jug of wine in his hand, shrivels) Hiss: The Fabulous, Marvelous, Merciful, Chivalrous... Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, you've got it all wrong, Hiss. The Sniveling, Groveling, Measely, Weaseling... Prince John: (shouts) Enough! (throws the glass jug at the Sheriff, but it hits the wall and the wine rains down on him) Sheriff of Nottingham: But, but... um, Sire, it's a big hit. The whole village is singing it. Prince John: Oh, they are, are they? Well, they'll be singing a different tune. Double the taxes! Triple the taxes! (grabs Sir Hiss by the neck) Prince John: Squeeze every last drop out of those insolent - musical - peasants.
(the Sheriff and the vultures are building a scaffold to hang Friar Tuck) Sheriff of Nottingham: Well, Trigger. Everything's rigged up and all set. Trigger: Yep, it's one of the prettiest scaffolds you ever built, Sheriff. Nutsy: Sheriff, don't you reckon you should give that trap door a test? (pulls a lever and opens the trap door, allowing the Sheriff to fall in) Sheriff of Nottingham: Criminently, now I know why your mama called you "Nutsy".
Hiss: Long one? Long one?
Hiss: (after he and Prince John are left in the mud) See? I tried to warn you, but no. You never listen, and now... (Prince John raises his hand mirror at Hiss) Ah-ah-ah! Seven years bad... (Prince John smashes the mirror over Hiss) ... luck. That's what it is. And besides, you broke your mother's mirror. Prince John: Ahh! Mommy! (Starts to suck thumb, takes it out) I've got a dirty thumb.
Robin Hood: (He and Little John are dressed as Gypsy women) Ooh-de-la-lay! Ooh-de-la-lay! Fortune tellers! Little John: Fortunes forecast! Lucky charms! Robin Hood: Get the dope with your horoscope!
Robin Hood: (in disguise) I'm gonna win that Golden Arrow, and then I'm goin' to present meself to Maid Marian... Sheriff of Nottingham: Listen, Scissor-bill. If you shoot half as well as you blabbermouth, you're as good as Robin Hood. Robin Hood: Robin Hood, he says? Wowee! I'm tip-top, alright, but I'm not as good as he is. (Shoots a perfect bullseye)
Friar Tuck: Praise the Lord, and pass the tax rebate!
Hiss: How nobly King Richard's crown sit on your royal brow. Prince John: Doesn't it?... King Richard? (wrings Hiss' neck) I told you never to mention that name again! Hiss: A mere slip of the forked tongue, Sire.