Robin Hood: Men in Tights
1993
(preparing to ravish Maid Marian) Sheriff of Rottingham: A chastity belt! That's going to chafe my willy!
Achoo: Hey, Blinkin! Blinkin: Did you say "Abe Lincoln"?
(Blinkin, the blind man, is up in a perch looking out for strangers) Robin Hood: Blinkin! What are you doing? Blinkin: Guessing. I guess no one's coming.
Little John: That there is Will Scarlet. Scarlet: Actually, Scarlet is my middle name. My whole name is Will Scarlet O'Hara. (pause) We're from Georgia.
Blinkin: Oh Master Robin! (hugging a replica statue of the Venus de Milo) Blinkin: You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs. Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'm over here.
Robin Hood: Prepare for the fight scene!
Prince John: Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it? Latrine: We changed it in the 9th century. Prince John: You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"? Latrine: Yeah. Used to be "Shithouse." Prince John: It's a good change. That's a good change!
Man in church: Hey Abbot! Abbot: I hate that guy!
Prince John: And why would the people listen to you? Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent. (referring to the then recent blockbuster Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, in which Kevin Costner played the role with an American accent)
Blinkin: This never would have happened if your father was alive. Robin Hood: He's dead? Blinkin: Yes. Robin Hood: And my mother? Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while - oh, you were away! Robin Hood: My three brothers? Blinkin: Died of the plague. Robin Hood: My dog Pongo? Blinkin: Run over by a carriage. Robin Hood: My goldfish Goldie? Blinkin: Eaten by the cat. Robin Hood: My cat? Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish. Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?
Prince John: I tell you that tonight, we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we ought to have a lot of fun, huh?
Robin Hood: And who might you be? Little John: Oh, they call me Little John. But don't let my name fool you. In real life, I'm very big. Robin Hood: I'll take your word for it.
Robin Hood: Kindly let me pass. Little John: Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls. (Proudly) I made that up. Robin Hood: It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, this wasn't a very smart thing to do, Locksley. I'll pay for this! I mean, YOU'LL pay for this!
Sheriff of Rottingham: King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
Prince John: Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them! Sheriff of Rottingham: Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you, yes, I've got it!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Over that boy hand! (pauses, looking confused) Sheriff of Rottingham: Hand over that boy!
King Richard: Take him to the Tower of London. Make him part of the tour.
Achoo: Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!
Latrine: (after Mervin eventually escapes) OH BUGGER! (looks at the camera) Latrine: I was this close... I touched it.
Broomhilde: Nooooooo! Before you do it, you must go through it! Or else I blew it.
Maid Marian: I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go. Robin Hood: Then I won't. Maid Marian: Oh, good. They were going to try to lure you there with an archery contest. Robin Hood: An archery contest? Maid Marian: Their archer is unbeatable. Robin Hood: Really? Maid Marian: Robin, promise you won't go. Robin Hood: All right, I promise you won't go. Achoo: Say Robin, didn't you say... Robin Hood: Cool it... Achoo: Chilled.
Robin Hood: I lost. I lost? Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.
Robin Hood: My first matter of business I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... My friend Achoo. Crowd: A black sheriff? Blinkin: He's black! Achoo: Hey, it worked in Blazing Saddles! crowd: Yeah.
Little John: Let's face it. You've gotta be a man to wear tights!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Don Giovanni, if I may say so, your lizard looks limp. Don Giovanni: (holding lizard) Yeah, well, when you get to be my age... Oh! My lizard! Oh yeah!
Robin Hood: Are you with me? Yea or Nay? Villager: Well which one means yes? Robin Hood: Yea.
Robin Hood: By the way, do you know praying mantis? Achoo: You're looking at him.
Achoo: What part of Georgia you from? South Central?
Angry Villagers: LEAVE US ALONE, MEL BROOKS!
(Robin tries to jump on his horse and falls) Achoo: Man, white men can't jump
(Robin and Achoo are fighting royal soldiers) Achoo: Time Out! Sorry bad guys, but I am running out of air. Gotta get pumpin'. (Achoo pumps his sneakers) Achoo: OK Honkies. Time In!
Achoo: We didn't land on Sherwood Forest! Sherwood Forest landed on us!
Robin Hood: This is Ahchoo. Little John: Bless you! Achoo: That's my name, man!
Robin Hood: This is Ahchoo. Blinkin: A Jew? Here? Robin Hood: No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.
(Broomhilde prepares to jump on horse from the balcony) Horse: (makes loud noise and shakes head) subtitle: She's got to be kidding!
(after falling from a tree) Blinkin: I can see! (runs right into another tree) Blinkin: Nope, I was wrong.
Sheriff of Rottingham: This is a stealth catapult, we've been secretly working on it for months. It can hurl large rocks at the enemy without it being detected. Prince John: Fantastic how does it work? Sheriff of Rottingham: Its rather simple, you get one of these big rocks here and you put it in this im sitting in then you pull that leaver Prince John: What like this? (John pulls the leaver and flings Mervin into the air) Sheriff of Rottingham: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
(Villagers begin throwing food at the archery contest) Blinkin: Oh good, they've opened the salad bar.
(Achoo has released Robin from a noose) Robin Hood: Nice shooting, Achoo. Achoo: To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman.
Robin Hood: Lend me your ears! (Crowd proceeds to pull off ears and throw them at Robin) Robin Hood: That's disgusting!
Robin Hood: Marion, you won't believe this? Maid Marian: (in sultry voice) What? Robin Hood: The key, it won't turn! Maid Marian: (shocked) What? Robin Hood: Wait! I have an idea! Call the locksmith! Man #1: Call the locksmith! Man #2: Call the locksmith!
Guard: Robin of Locksley, where is your king? Robin Hood: King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?
Scarlet: Blinkin! Fix your boobs; you look like a bleedin' Picasso!
Prince John: Send word to one and all, and all and one... that's a little redundant, isn't it? Herald: WHAT? Prince John: Shut up!
Maid Marian: Oh, darling, don't despair! For it is written on a scroll: "One day, he, who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my... virginity." Robin Hood: Oh, Marian, if only 'twere me. Maid Marian: Oh, if 'twere you, 'twould be... twerrific.
Broomhilde: No ding-ding vithout a vedding ring!
King Richard: From this day forth, all toilets in this kingdom shall be known as "Johns"!
Sheriff of Rottingham: I was angry at you before Locksley, but now I'm really pissed off! Achoo: Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worrying about being pissed on!
Robin Hood: Ah! Right rope!
Robin Hood: I am Robin Hood, and these are my Merry Men! Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles? Robin Hood: No, straight. Just Merry.
Abbot: We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of... (crowd sniggers) Mervin? Your name is Mervin? Sheriff of Rottingham: (over crowd laughing) Yes! Yes get on with it. Abbot: OK... Mervin. (crowd starts laughing again)
Merry Men: We're men, we're men in tights / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men, we're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right! / We may look like sissies / But watch what you say, or else we'll put out your lights / We're men, we're men in tights / Always on guard, defending the people's rights.
Sheriff of Rottingham: (taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it) I challenge you to a duel. Robin Hood: (picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down) I accept!
Sheriff of Rottingham: This was to be a "private" meeting... I mean, who are these men? Don Giovanni: These? These are my most trusted associates. On my right, Dirty Ezio. On my left, Filthy Luca. Filthy Luca: (Stands Up) We thank you, for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding. Don Giovanni: No, no, no. Filthy Luca: I hope that her first child, is a masculine child. Don Giovanni: We haven't even started the meeting yet! Filthy Luca: ... Oh yeah. (sits down)
Rabbi Tuckman: The ladies love a circumcision!
Rabbi Tuckman: I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and mohel extraordinaire. Robin Hood: What's a moyel? Rabbi Tuckman: A mohel is very important. He performs circumcisions. Robin Hood: What, pray tell, is a circumcision? Rabbi Tuckman: It's the latest craze. The ladies love it! Achoo: I'll take one. Little John: I'll take two! Robin Hood: I'm game, how's it done? Rabbi Tuckman: (pulls out a carrot and a miniature guillotine, and sticks the end of the carrot into the hole) I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then, (releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot) I nip the tip! Little John: I changed my mind! Achoo: I forgot, I already got one!
(Sheriff of Rottingham carries a screaming Maid Marian to a tower of his castle) Achoo: He's gonna deflower her in the tower!
Robin Hood: (first meeting Blinkin the blind servant) BLINKIN! Robin Hood: Master Robin, Is that you? Robin Hood: Yes. Blinkin: What back from the Crusades? Robin Hood: Yes. Blinkin: And alive? Robin Hood: (pause) yes.
Robin Hood: (after he sees that the key he wears fits the lock on Marion's chastity belt) It *is* the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!
Sheriff of Rottingham: The old man is Locksley. Prince John: Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Sire, I have news! Prince John: It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't wanna hear any bad news. So tell me, what kind of news is it? Sheriff of Rottingham: Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad. Prince John: (shouts) I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, maybe if you were to tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad. Sheriff of Rottingham: (thinking) Bad news in a good way. (hysterically) Sheriff of Rottingham: I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades, you know, he just kicked the *crap* out of me and my men, he hates you and he loves your brother, Richard! He wants to see you hanged, we, we're in a lot of trouble. Prince John: (furious) Are you insane? Stop laughing! This is terrible news!
Achoo: (after Blinkin catches an arrow) Blinkin! How did you do that? Blinkin: I heard that coming a mile away. Robin Hood: Right-o, Blinkin, very good. Blinkin: What? Who said that? Who's talking?
Angry Villager: There must be another way of doing the credits. Fire Marshal: That's right. Every time they make a Robin Hood movie they burn our village down.
Broomhilde: That happy little bluebird has left a happy little do-do on your hand.
Robin Hood: Rabbi Tuckman, we want to get married in a hurry. Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry, married in a hurry, that's great. Please invite me to the bris.
Maid Marian: Broomhilde, there's a foul plot afoot. Broomhilde: It's not my feet, I just washed them.
Latrine: Little sod could be trouble. Prince John: Are you certain? Latrine: Certain? You want certain, hire yourself a witch, I'm just your cook.
Sheriff of Rottingham: So it's come to this, has it? A fight to the death, mano a mano, man to man, just you and me and my *guards*!