Real Life
1979
Albert Brooks: I don't remember a time in my whole life when I haven't been close to complete personality disintegration! And how would you know what these people are feeling anyway? From your Mickey Mouse tests? Dr Hayward: Don't blame the tests for what they tell us. Albert Brooks: Oh, I don't blame them. They're great! Why don't we do more, huh? More tests! I'd bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, Nolan? Want to get that cup again? Come on, we'll get you lots of cups! Maybe a hundred cups! I'll tell you something about you people - you're great with cups, but what you don't have are balls! And I think if you ask any magician he'll tell you cups without balls doesn't mean jack shit!
Martin Brand: (on speakerphone) Albert, can I say something please? Albert Brooks: Go ahead, Martin. Martin Brand: Nobody's gonna walk out of a theater and say, "I didn't like that guy... that guy that holds the cup with one hand, with two hands . . ." I'll tell you what they DO have a good chance of saying: "Where the hell is Paul Newman? Where's Redford? Where's Nicholson?" Shmuck, you'll make more money with Nicholson with the cup than the cup with the other guy. Albert Brooks: Great.
Albert Brooks: (showing off a high-tech camera to be used in filming) Only six of these cameras were ever made. Only five ever worked. We have four of those.
Martin Brand: (after one of Albert's rants) Albert, what the hell are you talking about? Look, let's not argue - let's say the family's fine, let's say they're terrific. Let's talk about YOU for a second. Let's look at what YOU'VE done. You've FAILED - that's what you've done, you shmuck, you've failed. You started out with all of this artsy, craftsy reality crap and what did it get you? The NEWS, the goddamned NEWS! People get that for free! You think anyone's going to hire a babysitter, jump in a cab, go all the way the hell downtown, step up to the ticket window, shell out four bucks, and say, "Here, here - here's my four dollars. What time does the news go on?"