Raising Arizona
1987
H.I.: If it's all the same to you, Honey, I think I'll skip this little get together, slip out with the boys and knock back a couple of Coca Colas. (Ed gives him a look of disapproval) H.I.: I guess that wouldn't be such a good idea. Gale: So many social engagements, so little time.
Ed McDonnough: This ain't family life! H.I.: Well... it sure ain't "Ozzie and Harriet."
Leonard Smalls: You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.
H.I.: Biology and the prejudices of others conspired to keep us childless.
H.I.: There's right and there's right and never the t'wain shall meet.
Evelle: Gale? Um, Junior just had a - an accident. Gale: What's that, pardner? Evelle: He had hisself a little ol' accident. Gale: What do you mean? He looks okay. Evelle: No. You see, moving though we are, he just went and had hisself a little ol' rest stop. Gale: (sniffs the air) Well, that's natural.
Evelle: H.I., you're young and you got your health, what you want with a job?
Parole Board chairman: They've got a name for people like you H.I. That name is called "recidivism." Parole Board member: Repeat offender! Parole Board chairman: Not a pretty name, is it H.I.? H.I.: No, sir. That's one bonehead name, but that ain't me any more. Parole Board chairman: You're not just telling us what we want to hear? H.I.: No, sir, no way. Parole Board member: 'Cause we just want to hear the truth. H.I.: Well, then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear. Parole Board chairman: Boy, didn't we just tell you not to do that? H.I.: Yes, sir. Parole Board chairman: Okay, then.
Glen: Say that reminds me, how'd you get that kid so darn fast? Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a' somethin' went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, "Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?" Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world. H.I.: Someone oughta sell tickets. Glen: Sure, I'd buy one.
H.I.: Sometimes it's a hard world for small things.
Nathan Arizona Sr: Dammit, are you boys gonna chase down your leads or are you gonna sit drinkin' coffee in the one house in the state where I know my boy ain't at?
Ed McDonnough: You mean you busted out of jail. Evelle: No, ma'am. We released ourselves on our own recognizance. Gale: What my brother here means to say is that we felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer us.
Glen: How many Pollacks it take to screw up a lightbulb? H.I.: I don't know, Glen. One? Glen: Nope, it takes three. (Glen laughs. H.I. doesn't) Glen: Wait a minute, I told it wrong. Here, I'm startin' over: How come it takes three Pollacks to screw up a lightbulb? H.I.: I don't know, Glen. Glen: 'Cause they're so darn stupid! (Glen laughs again. H.I. doesn't) Glen: Shit, man, loosen up! Don't ya get it? H.I.: No, Glen, I sure don't. Glen: Shit, man, think about it! I guess it's what they call a "way homer." H.I.: Why's that? Glen: 'Cause you only get it on the way home. H.I.: I'm already home, Glen.
Leonard Smalls: Name's Smalls. Leonard Smalls. My friends call me Lenny... only I ain't got no friends.
H.I.: Wake up, Son. (Aims gun at the clerk) I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got. Ed McDonnough: (Sees H.I. from the car) That son' bitch. That son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! H.I.: And make it quick, I'm in dutch with the wife.
(to store clerk he's robbing) H.I.: And make it quick, I'm in dutch with the wife.
Nathan Arizona Sr: You got a table and chairs, you gotta dinette set. You gotta table and no chairs, you got dick.
H.I.: And this here's the TV. Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.
H.I.: I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn't easy with that sumbitch Reagan in the White House. I dunno. They say he's a decent man, so maybe his advisors are confused.
Nathan Arizona Sr: You want that $25,000 reward, you go ahead and claim it. What's there to talk about? Leonard Smalls: Price. A fair price. That's not what you say it is, and it's not what I say it is... It's what the market will bear. Now there's people - and I know 'em - who'll pay a lot more than $25,000 for a healthy baby. Why, I myself fetched $30,000 on the black market. And that was in 1954 dollars.
H.I.: Prison life is structured - more'n some people care for.
FBI Man: Was the boy wearing any jammies? Nathan Arizona Sr: Of course he was wearing his jammies nobody sleeps naked in this house. FBI Man: Well could you describe the jammies? Nathan Arizona Sr: I don't what is damn jammies looked like... they had Yodas and shit on them.
Ed McDonnough: Gimme that baby, you wart-hog from hell!
Prison Counsellor: Why do you say you feel "trapped" in a man's body. "Trapped" Convict: Well, sometimes I get them menstrual cramps real hard.
H.I.: Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.
Gale: Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat!
(Evelle picks up a pack of balloons) Evelle: Do these blow into funny shapes and all? Grocer: Well, no, unless round is funny.
Gale: You understand, H.I.? If this works out, it's just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire southwest proper. And we keep going until we can retire. Or we get caught. Evelle: Either way, we're fixed for life.
Old man in the bank: Now, what's it gonna be young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? 'Cause if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop. And if'n I drop, I'm gonna be in motion.
H.I.: We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.
(an old convict and H.I. lying on their prison bunks, passing the time) Ear-Bending Cellmate: ... and when there was no meat, we ate fowl and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand. H.I.: You ate what? Ear-Bending Cellmate: We ate sand. (pause) H.I.: You ate SAND? Ear-Bending Cellmate: That's right!
(Leonard Smalls is trying to extort money from Nathan Arizona Sr) Nathan Arizona Sr: Well, this is nothing but a goddamn shakedown and a screwjob, any way you look at it!
Evelle: Mighty fine cereal flakes, Mrs McDonough.
Gale: Well, H.I., looks like you've been up to the devil's business.
Dot: Now you take that diaper off your head and you put it back on your sister!
Policeman: Do you have any disgruntled employees? Nathan Arizona Sr: Hell, they're all disgruntled. I aint running no damn daisy farm. My motto is "Do it my way or watch your butt!" Policeman: Well, do you think any of them could've done it? Nathan Arizona Sr: Oh, don't make me laugh. Without my say-so they wouldn't piss with their pants on fire.
Gale: Alright ya' hayseeds, it's a stick-up. Everybody freeze. Everybody down on the ground. Old Man in bank: Well, which is it young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? Mean to say, if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop. And if'n I drop, I'ma gonna be in motion. You see... Gale: Shut up! Old Man in bank: Okay then. Gale: Everybody down on the ground! Evelle: Y'all can just forget that part about freezin' now. Gale: Better still to get down there. Evelle: Yeah, y'all hear that, don't ya'? (Everybody lays down. Gale looks at the now-empty teller windows) Gale: Shit! Where'd all the tellers go? Teller's voices: We're down here sir. Evelle: They're on the floor as you commanded, Gale.
Gale: Why ain't you breast-feeding? You appear to be capable. Ed McDonnough: Mind your own bid'ness. Evelle: Ma'am, you don't breast-feed him, he'll hate you for it later. That's why we wound up in prison. Gale: Anyway, that's what Doc Schwartz tells us.
H.I.: What are you talkin' about, Glen? Glen: What am I talkin' about? I'm talkin' about sex boy, what the hell you talkin' about? I'm talkin' about l'amour! I'm talkin' that me and Dot are swingers, as in "to swing." I'm talkin' about wife swappin'. I'm talkin' about what they call nowadays open marriage. I'm talk... H.I.: (Knocks Glen to the ground with a punch) Keep your goddamn hands off my wife!
Hayseed in the Pickup: Son, you got a panty on your head.
Nathan Arizona Sr: If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'. Look, it is exactly 8: 45 in the PM. I'll be down at that store in exactly 24 hours to kick me some butt. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!
Nathan Arizona Sr: I got the cops and the Federal BI out there lookin' for my boy... Leonard Smalls: Cops won't find your boy. A cop couldn't find his butt if it had a bell on it.
Glen: Okay, so this Pollack walks into a bar, carrying a pile of dog shit in his hand, and he says "Look what I almost stepped in.
FBI Man: What was the baby wearing when he was kidnapped? Nathan Arizona Sr: A dinner jacket - whaddaya think? He was wearin' his damn jammies! They had Yodas 'n shit on 'em!
Glen: Say, did you hear about the person of the Polish persuasion who walked into a bar with a big 'ol pile of shit in his hands and he says, "Look what I almost stepped in"?
H.I.: A man for a husband. Ed McDonnough: That ain't no answer. H.I.: Honey, that's the only answer. Ed McDonnough: That ain't no answer.
Ed McDonnough: We finally go out with decent people and you break his nose. That ain't too funny, Hi. H.I.: His kids seemed to think it was funny. Ed McDonnough: Well they're just kids.
Ed McDonnough: Give me that baby, you warthog from hell!
H.I.: Do you ever get the feeling that there's something... Powerful pressing down on you? Glen: Yes, I know that feeling. I told Dot to lose some weight but she don't wanna listen.
Ed McDonnough: You guys just can't stay. I appreciate you being friends of Hi and all but this is a decent family here. Gale: (Quietly, to H.I) Say, who wears the pants around here, H.I.?
FBI Agent: Sir, we discovered you were born Nathan Huffheins. Nathan Arizona Sr: Yeah, I changed my name. What of it? FBI Agent: Can you give us an indication why? Nathan Arizona Sr: Would you shop at a store called Unpainted Huffheins?
H.I.: This is Gale and Evelle Snoats. As fine a pair as ever... broke and entered!
Gale: Got you on an awful short leash, don't she, H.I.?
H.I.: (thinking) If not Arizona, then a land not too far away. Where all parents are strong and wise and capable. And all children are happy and beloved. I don't know. Maybe it was Utah.
Nathan Arizona Sr: You know what I think? I think you're an evil man. I think this is a shakedown. It's nothing but a Goddamn screw-job. I think you took Nathan Jr. (reaches for telephone) And you, my fine friend, are the one who's gonna get his butt kicked. (Turns around, then turns back to find Smalls had gone)
Nathan Arizona Sr: If you're looking for furniture or a shitbox, out there is the sales floor. Leonard Smalls: I'm not a customer. I'm a manhunter. But I do hunt babies on occasion. I heard tell you got one you can't put your hand to. Nathan Arizona Sr: How do you know about that? Leonard Smalls: That's my job. I'm a tracker. Some say part hound dog.
Gale: Here you are sitting on your butt playing house with a... Don't get me wrong, H.I., a fine woman but one who seems like she needs one of those button-down types.
Gale: I know you're partial to convenient stores, but dammit, H.I., the sun doesn't rise and set on the corner grocery.
Nathan Arizona Sr: That's you're forte, ain't it? Chasing down crooks and Commies and shit. That's you're whole Goddamn raison d'etre ain't it?
Evelle: I got me some baby grub, baby wipes, diapers, then disposable kind. I also got a package of balloons. Gale: They blow up into funny shapes and all? Evelle: No, just circular.
Evelle: Promise we ain't never gonna leave him again, Gale. Promise me we ain't never gonna give him up. Gale: We ain't never gonna give him up again, Evelle. He's our little Gale Jr. now.
Reporter: Mr Arizona, do you have any messages for the kidnappers? Nathan Arizona Sr: Yeah: Watch your butts.
(Evelle is buying diapers) Evelle: You know how to put these on? Grocer: Well, around the butt and over the groin area. Evelle: Do I need pins or something? Grocer: They got them tape-ettes already on there. It's self-contained and fairly explanatory.
Nathan Arizona Sr: All right, boy, I guess you got a reward coming. Twenty-five thousand dollars. Or, if you need home furnishings, I can give you a line of credit at any of my stores. In fact, that's the way I'd rather handle it. Tax reasons. Ed McDonnough: We don't want no reward. We didn't bring him back for money. Nathan Arizona Sr: We can work it that way, too!
Scamp with squirt gun: You wet yourself! You wet yourself! Mr.McDunnough wet himself, Daddy!
Glen: What are going to name him? H.I.: Uh... Ed, Jr Glen: I thought you said it was a male. H.I.: Well, it's short for Edward. We just like that name!