Paint Your Wagon
1969
Rumson: You show me in them commandments where it says a woman cain't have two husbands. Pardner: There AIN'T no commandment like that.
Ben Rumson: I give you the boy. Give me back the man.
Ben Rumson: Now, don't tell me you've never been with a woman. Horton: No, sir I haven't. Ben Rumson: Well, that, that's terrible! Did you know you could go blind?
Mrs Fenty: You should read the Bible, Mr Rumson. Ben Rumson: I have read the Bible, Mrs Fenty. Mrs Fenty: Didn't that discourage you about drinking? Ben Rumson: No, but it sure killed my appetite for readin'!
Ben Rumson: There's two kinds of people, them goin' somewhere and them goin' nowhere. And's that what's true.
Horace Tabor: Wait a minute! You can't buy a woman for money. Mad Jack Duncan: You just try and get one without it.
Mad Jack Duncan: All right. (grabs Jacob Woodling by the beard) What about it Mormons? Sarah Woodling: (whispering) Jacob. We need every penny, Jacob. And I can't bear another day of those martyred looks. There. There it is again! Elizabeth: This isn't a martyred look, Sarah. This look is puuuure - hatred. Jacob Woodling: Quiet! Brigham Young has twenty seven wives and he hasn't had half the trouble with them that I've had with the two of you! Elizabeth: Then simplify your life, Jacob. Sell me. Jacob Woodling: But Elizabeth: you don't know what you'll get. Elizabeth: I know what I've had.
Haywood Holbrook: Dearly beloved. We have gathered together to grant this man, Ben Rumson, exclusive title to this woman, Mrs Elizabeth Woodling, and to all her mineral resources. I have drawn up this Record of Claim which here and henceforth will be recognized as a certificate of marriage. So I ask you Ben, do you recognize this claim as a contract of marriage and do you take this woman to love honor and cherish? Pardner: (after long silence) Oh, he does. Haywood Holbrook: Elizabeth Woodling, do you take this man, Ben Rumson, to love, honor and obey him until death do you part. Pardner: She does. Haywood Holbrook: I now pronounce you claimed and filed as Mr and Mrs Ben Rumson.
Miner: Hey, Ben! These men came all the way from Fiddler's Camp, just to see your wife. Ben Rumson: Well, looks like I married myself a tourist attraction.
Pardner: Ben, how's married life? Ben Rumson: Pardner, it was so good that I forgot that I was married.
Horace Tabor: Is it your proposal, Mr Rumson, that we knock out the stage driver, steal a coach, and kidnap six women? Ben Rumson: Sounds better every time I hear it.
Ben Rumson: Howdy Parson, welcome to HELL!
(Ben and Partner are walking through the mining camp) Ben Rumson: Hi, Willy! How're things goin'? 'Rotten Luck'Willie: I ain't won a hand in two weeks. Ben Rumson: (to Partner) They call him 'Rotten Luck' Willie. You couldn't beat him with five aces. Pardner: Oh, I don't gamble. Ben Rumson: Neither does he.
(On the fact that the Mormon settler has two wives) Mad Jack: I got no quarrel with 'ow a man prays; there's enough room in 'ell for all of us! Wot I don't like is that you got two of somethin' the rest of us got none of!
(Introduction to the song "They Call the Wind Mariah") Mad Jack Duncan: It's a living hell up here. What with the bloody rain, the bloody loneliness, and that bloody, bloody wind.
Pardner: You're diggin' a hole. Mad Jack: Hey, you don't miss a trick, do yah?
Horton: Mr Rumson, I swore I wouldn't tell anyone. I hope that means except my father and mother. Ben Rumson: That means especially your father and mother. Horton: But I've never kept anything from them before. Ben Rumson: Well, it's time you started. Because when you do, a whole new world opens up.
Elizabeth: Did you know that the Fenty's had an apple farm back in Pennsylvania? Ben Rumson: Apple jack, huh? Horton: No, sir, we did not make apple jack! Ben Rumson: Then, what did you grow the apples for? Horton: Mr Rumson, do you think that everything that comes out of the earth should be used to make liquor? Ben Rumson: Whenever possible, yes.
(shouted from clifftop to riverbed and back, very slowly) Steve Bull: IS... THEY... DEAD... ? Ben Rumson: THEY... BETTER... BE... CAUSE... I'M... GONNA... BURY 'EM!
Parson: Ye godless jaspers! Who are ya? Freemasons? Rosicrucians? Heathen emissaries from the depths of Babylon? Boozers! Gluttons! Gamblers! Fornicators! Steve Bull: Whassa fornicator? Haywood Holbrook: I dunno. I ain't a religious man.
(Partner has decided to remain behind with the settlers) Ben Rumson: Well, goodbye Partner. Dammit! I still don't know your name. Partner: It's Sylvester Newell. Ben Rumson: Sylvester Newell. Well, that's a good name for a farmer.
(Ben has been out looking for Elizabeth) Ben: Where the hell have you been? Elizabeth: I was taking a bath at the river. Ben: You mean to tell me that you was at the river, broad beamed and buck naked, before light takin' a bath? Elizabeth: Mr Rumson! Perhaps you would prefer that I go to the river 'broad beamed and buck naked' and take my bath in the middle of the day!
Ben Rumson: Pardner, there comes a time when the party of the first part has no recourse but to knock some sense into the party of the second part! You're stayin'!
Chorus: (the hijacked stage coach carrying six prostitutes is approaching No Name City. The completely male population is scrubbing up in the creek and singing) There's a coach comin' in and you're smellin' like a steer.
Ben Rumson: You mean to tell me you ain't never had a woman neither? Horton: No, sir. Ben Rumson: This is serious. You know you could go blind? Come here. (to 'Rotten Luck' Willie) Willie, if a young man was goin' trappin' for the first time and wanted a guide, somebody who would be patient with him and show him the way things are to be done; what kind of guide would you choose? 'Rotten Luck'Willie: (Thinking) Ah, that would be Gracie.
Pardner: (Horace Tabor has opposed Ben's plan to kidnap the French prostitutes) Horace is right,Ben ! We can't bring them women here. Why, you bring them here and the next thing you know, you got to build a place for them to stay, people will be coming in from all over and they'll need somewhere to stay. Schermehorn and these other merchants will have to stock up on suplies to sell. Then Willie will have to open a saloon or two with gambling and drinkin'. Why before you know it, this place will be a boom town and we don't want that! Ben: (winking at Partner) Your right, Partner. I never thought of it that way. Why you can't expect people to put up with that! I apologize, boys; I never thought of what might happen if we bring in those five French tarts! Haywood Holbrook: (smiling) I call for a vote on Ben's proposal! Any man who votes against it is a traitor!