Open All Hours
1973
Mr Wilkinson: It's a great burden, Granville. Being holier than everybody else. But I enjoy it.
Mr Wilkinson: Next time you feel desperate for an egg, lad, pause, and remember where it's come from. The world's full of nasty places, Granville.
Mr Wilkinson: I'll have two dozen ounces of liquorice torpedoes. They'll take your mind away from eggs.
Mrs Featherstone: I'm not a religious woman, but I find if you say no to everything you can hardly tell the difference.
Mrs Blewitt: I wouldn't give tuppence for his kidneys. How much is your boiled ham?
Nurse Gladys Emmanuel: What are your meringues like? Arkwright: I'm not telling you till after we're married.
Mrs Blewitt: So. You're going to Parslow's funeral. Arkwright: Yes. Even though it's very unlikely that he'll ever come to mine.
Arkwright: Don't just crit there siticizing!
Granville: (exasperated at Arkwright's tight-fistedness) You're not going to live forever you know. Arkwright: I'm goin' to have a d-damn good try, aren't you?
Nurse Gladys Emmanuel: She has a face like a fit. Arkwright: Aye, but what it would fit, I'll never know. It is like her facial muscles don't know the meaning of the word "teamwork".
Arkwright: D'ya know what you need? A good walloping. Nurse Gladys Emmanuel: Oh, yeah and who's gonna give it to me? Arkwright: I. I. I am. Nurse Gladys Emmanuel: Oh, three of you.
Arkwright: Oh, you wound me sometimes, Granville! Granville: How? Arkwright: That time I sat on your bicycle clip springs to mind.
Granville: The nurse will be watching!
Granville: (about to put a note in the shop till) Do you reckon they can stitch fingers back on these days?
Arkwright: I want a w-w-word with you. Granville: That's three words. Arkwright: That girl of Grimshaw's. Granville: Big Edna? Arkwright: Have you been kn-kn-knocking Granville: I have only admired her from a distance. Arkwright: Let me finish. Have you been kn-kn-knocking coppers off her weekly order? Granville: You do the same for Mrs Featherstone. Arkwright: Not without putting them back somewhere else.
Arkwright: Scotch broth? That's very exotic. I'm afraid I don't have any in small tins. Only large tins. Mavis: Oh. Arkwright: I can't cut it in half Mavis. It all f-flops out. Tell you what. I'll sell you a large tin but I'll only charge you for two small tins.
Arkwright: Oh, so we're giving flowers to the milkwoman's boyfriend now?
Granville: You won't let me buy firelighters. You say they're too expensive. Arkwright: They are in this damn shop. I'm not paying these prices! Get round the Co-op and buy some. (pause) Go and open a packet. Granville: (leaves the room, to return a few seconds later) Not if they're going to count as my birthday present.
Nurse Gladys Emmanuel: My God! There's nothing frightens you more than a furtive grocer.
Mrs Featherstone: (Granville has just walked into Mrs Featherstone) Not even my husband used to get that close. Arkwright: (to Granville) Dear God! Where did you catch her?
Arkwright: You look all sinister and Hungarian. Granville: Hungarians don't look like this. Arkwright: Badly-dressed Hungarians do. Granville: I look like an idiot. Arkwright: Yes.
Arkwright: I hate that scrunching sound errand boys make when you have to stand on them.
Mrs Parslow: I'll have a large washing-up liquid. Arkwright: I think I'll join you.
Granville: Well, there's a great day for discoveries. My mother was the fisherman's friend and I've got a bottom half called Hugo.
Arkwright: Well done! And you certainly have been.
Granville: Look at the time! Quarter to nine and I'm held here in the clutches of my wicked uncle. Arkwright: Your uncle is going to be wicked across the road, clutching something else entirely.
Granville: I've got the blood of poets and lovers in my veins. Arkwright: (as Granville leaves) Yes. And at least one electrician.
Milk Round Supervisor: Seriously, have you thought about a drawbridge?