One, Two, Three
1961
(First line, voiceover) C.R. MacNamara: On Sunday, August 13th, 1961, the eyes of America were on the nation's capital, where Roger Maris was hitting home runs #44 and 45 against the Senators. On that same day, without any warning, the East German Communists sealed off the border between East and West Berlin. I only mention this to show the kind of people we're dealing with - REAL SHIFTY!
Phyllis MacNamara: Atlanta! C.R. MacNamara: Yeah, I'm the new vice president in charge of bottle caps. They're kicking me upstairs. Phyllis MacNamara: That's something I've always wanted to do myself.
Otto: I will not have my son grow up to be a capitalist. Scarlet: When he's 18 he can make his mind up whether he wants to be a capitalist or a rich communist.
Scarlet: Countess? That means everybody has to curtsy to me, except maybe Grace Kelly.
MacNamara: You've defected? Peripetchikoff: Is old Russian proverb: "go west young man."
C.R. MacNamara: (voiceover) Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious. Others were suspicious and rude.
C.R. MacNamara: Just between us, Schlemmer, what did you do during the war? Schlemmer: I was in der Untergrund: the underground. C.R. MacNamara: Resistance fighter? Schlemmer: No, motorman. In the underground, you know, the subway.
C.R. MacNamara: Of course you were anti-Nazi and you never liked Adolf. Schlemmer: Adolf who?
(But later, Schlemmer recognizes the reporter Untermeyer played by Til Kiwe) Schlemmer: Herr Oberleutnant! C.R. MacNamara: You two know each other? Schlemmer: He was my commanding officer. C.R. MacNamara: In the subway? Schlemmer: No, after that, when I was drafted. C.R. MacNamara: Aha! Gestapo! Schlemmer: No, no, SS.
Peripetchikoff: Well, Comrades, what are we going to do? He's got it - we want it. Are we going to accept this blackmailing capitalist's deal? Mishkin: Let's take a vote. Peripetchikoff: I vote yes. Mishkin: I vote yes. Peripetchikoff: Two out of three. Deal is on! Borodenko: Comrades, before you get in trouble, I must warn you, I am not really from Soft Drink Secretariat. I am undercover agent assigned to watch you. Mishkin: In that case I vote no. Deal is off. Borodenko: But I vote yes! Peripetchikoff: Two out of three again! Deal is on!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Is everybody in this world corrupt? Peripetchikoff: I don't know everybody.
C.R. MacNamara: Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and striped toothpaste can't be all bad.
C.R. MacNamara: Ten minutes early! That's a hell of a way to run an airline! Planes are supposed to be late, not early!
(Otto muddles his coached answers) Hazeltine: How is the situation here in Berlin? Otto Ludwig Piffl: It shouldn't happen to a dog! Uh, I - I mean, it's a draw! Actually, the situation is hopeless, but not serious.
C.R. MacNamara: Schlemmer you're back in the SS, small salary!
C.R. MacNamara: It's that damned German efficiency.
C.R. MacNamara: Cigarette? Cigar? Peripetchikoff: Here, take one of these. C.R. Macnamara: Thanks. Hm, 'Made in Havana'. Peripetchikoff: We have trade agreement with Cuba. They send us cigars, we send them rockets. C.R. Macnamara: Good thinking.
C.R. MacNamara: You know something? You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar. Peripetchikoff: Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.
Borodenko: When will papers be ready? C.R. Macnamara: I'll put my secretary right to work on it. Mishkin: Your secretary? She's that blond lady? C.R. Macnamara: That's the one. Peripetchikoff: (after conferring with the others) You will send papers to East Berlin with blond lady in triplicate. C.R. Macnamara: You want the papers in triplicate, or the blond in triplicate? Peripetchikoff: See what you can do.
Peripetchikoff: We have emergency meeting with Swiss Trade Delegation. They send us twenty car-loads of cheese. Totally unacceptable... full of holes.
Otto: (bursts into room wearing boxers, shirt, tie and morning coat) I'm going to like this job! C.R. MacNamara: It's about time you started cooperating. Otto: You know what the first thing is I'm going to do? I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt! C.R. MacNamara: Put your pants on, Spartacus!
Otto: They have assigned us a magnificent apartment. Just a short walk from the bathroom.
C.R. MacNamara: Are you out of your seventeen year old mind? Russia is to get out of, not to get into!
(Ingeborg is in her slip in MacNamara's office) C.R. MacNamara: You better put something on. Your goose pimples are showing. Ingeborg: (looking down) That's nothing. You should see my sister.
Phyllis MacNamara: She married a communist? That's going to be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta since General Sherman threw that little barbecue. No, I don't think it's funny. They're going to live in Moscow? Now, that's funny!
C.R. MacNamara: Oh, yeah, I uh, I forgot he doesn't wear shorts. (underwear) Phyllis MacNamara: No wonder they're winning the Cold War.
Otto: I'll pick you up at 6: 30 sharp, because the 7: 00 train for Moscow leaves promptly at 8: 15.