One Foot in the Grave
1990
Victor Meldrew: What language are you talking in now? It appears to be Bollocks.
Victor Meldrew: I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me, and you know what he's done? He's only planted it in the pan! Yes, actually in the lavatory pan, with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone can be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind... a mistake anyone could have made? Are you stark... I mean, what am I supposed to do, cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire terrier?
(repeated line) Victor Meldrew: I don't believe it!
(Mrs Warboys was meant to get Victor's dry-cleaning. But instead brought back a gorilla costume) Victor Meldrew: What's this! Jean Warboys: Oh, yes. She said they got almost all the beetroot out. Myself, I can hardly see a thing. Victor Meldrew: No! This! I mean... This isn't my suit! Jean Warboys: Isn't it? Victor Meldrew: Of course it... Where in the name of sanity did it come from? Jean Warboys: Oh, don't tell they mixed up the tickets again. Victor Meldrew: Mixed up the... You must have seen it as a mistake when they brought it out! Jean Warboys: Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I? Victor Meldrew: Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong C&A!
(Victor is stuck in traffic - a man leans out and talks to him) Salmon: So recession on recession. I've got two salons in North London both doing serious business. The way I look at it, the economy may stop growing, but your hair doesn't, know what I'm saying? So I'm now looking for a third outlet in Pimleco. Probably opening next summer. So you just pop along, mention my name, and get a free shampoo and set on the house. Just say your friends with Mr Salmon. (it is then noticed that Salmon is acually talking to two women in the car beside Victor's, but is doing so through Victors car window) Lisa: Oh, I don't know. Carol: Sounds a bit fishy to me. Lisa: You could be anybody. Salmon: Well you'll just have to trust me, won't you my sweet heart. I'll tell you what, you can have a full perm for half price. What did you say your name was? Lisa: Lisa. Salmon: Lisa. And your friend? Carol: Carol. Salmon: Carrol. You can have the full works. Cut, dyed and blow dried all at twenty percent discount. And I might even take you out for a drink after now I can't say fairer then that can I? Lisa: How do you know I'm not a natural blonde? Salmon: Well that's for you to prove otherwise isn't it. Victor Meldrew: Oh, for God's sake! I think I may throw up! Salmon: Sorry whats your problem matey? Victor Meldrew: Why don't you just dangle your private parts out the window?
Victor Meldrew: A wasp in an ice cube? What next? Dog turd on a cocktail stick?
Victor Meldrew: (complaining on being stuck for a long time in a traffic jam) I wish I was dead! Margaret Meldrew: I wish you were dead. Then we might get some peace.