Not the Nine O'Clock News

1979

Sergeant: Savage, why do you keep arresting this man? Constable Savage: He's a villain, sir. Sergeant: ... A villain. Constable Savage: And a jailbird, sir. Sergeant: I know he's a jailbird, Savage, he's down in the cells now! We're holding him on a charge of being caught in possession of curly black hair and thick lips!

Buyer: (looking at scaled down model of bathroom set with toilet and shower on the scene) A shower isn't as much use as a toilet is it? Well let's stick another toilet in there then! Salesperson: But you've already got one sir! (pause) How about this heating rack? It can go just here... Buyer: For drying towels and things? Salesperson: That's right, yes. Buyer: A heating rack isn't as much use as a toilet is it, really? Salesperson: (laughing) Well, I suppose not, no... Buyer: (takes out rack) , well let's put a toilet there then! (puts toilet in in its place) Salesperson: (confused) Um, three toilets... Buyer: Ah yes - in case of blockage. Buyer: (slightly later in scene) The bath's taking up a lot of room isn't it? Salesperson: Well it is a bathroom sir! Buyer: No, I prefer a shower. (removes the bath and puts a shower in) Put it here and we'll have a couple of toilets in there as well (insert two more toilets) Salesperson: (bemused) That's now six toilets... Buyer: I'll stick a toilet in the shower as well, kill two birds with one stone as it were. Salesperson: That's now seven toilets... Buyer: Do you have anything else? Salesperson: No, I'm afraid you've used up our entire stock!

(a ticket tout solicits a man in a theatre lobby) Scalper: Psst... here... want a couple of tickets for the Osmonds concert tonight? Man: Osmonds concert? No. Scalper: Yeah... ! Best seats, no rubbish, front stalls. Man: How much? Scalper: Fiver each? Man: Alright. Scalper: Two front stalls... (hand the man two tickets) and five and five... (hands the man two five pound notes)

(a scientist is being interviewed about his project to communicate with a gorilla sitting next to him) Interviewer: Professor, can Gerald really speak as we would understand it? Prof. Timothy Fielding: Oh yes, yes. He can speak a few actual words. Of course it was extremely difficult to get him even to this stage. When I first captured Gerald in the Congo, '67 I think it was... Gerald, the Gorilla: '68 Prof. Timothy Fielding: '68. Umm... there was an awful lot of work to do. He was enormously slow and difficult. I had to do a lot of work with him on a sort of one-to-one basis... Gerald, the Gorilla: (interrupting) Yes, yes, if I might just butt at this point Tim, I think I should point out that I have done a considerable amount of work on this project myself and if I may say so your teaching methods do leave a bit to be desired... Prof. Timothy Fielding: That's a bit ungrateful, isn't it? Gerald, the Gorilla: ... and your diction for instance... Prof. Timothy Fielding: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can I put this into some sort of perspective? When I caught Gerald in '68 he was completely wild. Gerald, the Gorilla: Wild? I was absolutely livid!

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