Nine Months
1995
Samuel Faulkner: Are you sure? Rebecca Taylor: I'm ten days late. Samuel Faulkner: And there's no way you could have had it and just not noticed?
Dr Kosevich: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
Rebecca Taylor: Sam! My water broke! Samuel Faulkner: Well, we'll get you another one!
Dr Kosevich: I've got it! Nurse, call the Anesthesiologist, this woman needs an enema! Samuel, Rebecca, Nurse: An enema? Dr Kosevich: No, uh, she needs a pedicure! Nurse: This ain't no goddam beauty parlor! Dr Kosevich: Epitath! Samuel Faulkner: She's not dead, you moron! Dr Kosevich: Epidermus... Uh... Rebecca Taylor: Epidural, asshole!
(Samuel Faulkner sees needle and faints.) Dr Kosevich: See? That is why women have the babies. Men can't take the paaai... (sees needle and faints)
Dr Kosevich: You have a girl. Unless I cut the wrong cord.
Dr Kosevich: (drunk) We'll crack open another bottle just as soon as I circumcise your son!
Gail Dwyer: Who is that, honey? Marty: It's, uh, my mother. Gail Dwyer: I thought she was dead! Marty: Yeah, I know, it's really weird!
Arnie: Ah, ya cheap shit. Marty: What did you say? Arnie: Oh gee, I didn't say nothing mister, you must be hearing things. Bye bye, Arnie loves you. Ya penis-head. Marty: Now I heard that! Arnie: Heard what? Marty: I heard what you said! Arnie: I didn't say nothing... Ya fat ass pussy.
Marty: I'm not gonna buy your damn video! Arnie: But the kids will love it... Marty: My kids will hate it because they think your show sucks! Arnie: (after a long pause) Oh. Samuel Faulkner: Thanks anyway. Arnie: Oh sure, no hard feelings okay? Marty: Alright. (He and Samuel walk away) Arnie: Ah ya cheap shit.
Arnie: I'll shove an "Arnie Loves You" lunchbox up your ass!
Samuel Faulkner: Can't you give her something for the pain? Dr Kosevich: You don't want natural child birth? Samuel Faulkner: No! Dr Kosevich: Okay, uh... You want Anastasia? Drugs, yes? Okay, valium. Samuel Faulkner: Valium is no good for her. Dr Kosevich: No, for me. Samuel Faulkner: NO!
Dr Kosevich: Okay, okay, what is wrong? OH FUCK ME! It is not working.
Gail Dwyer: I hate you! You did this to me you miserable piece of dick-brained, horseshit slime-sucking son of a whore bitch! Marty: That's perfect! I got it all on film, the kids will love it!
Truman: Are you alright, Man? Samuel Faulkner: Yes, I'm fine. I was just listening to what you were saying. Um, could you repeat it so I could get it down? Truman: You're an asshole, and my dad's a bastard!
Samuel Faulkner: Think, you Commie bastard! Dr Kosevich: Shut up, you limey prick!
Gail: You keep this up and you're gonna die alone. Like a dog. Like a bum. Like Van Gogh.
Samuel Faulkner: (Lost a tennis game) Fuck! Shit! Shit! Sean: Sam... ? Samuel Faulkner: FUCK! Sean: Okay, no more today. What happened to that British etiquette?
Marty: You know what? I ought to come over there and kick your bony little ass if I wasn't going to have my 5 year-old daughter do it!
Truman: My dad's an asshole. Samuel Faulkner: Okay. Good. Um, is that something you can maybe elaborate on for me a little? Truman: Okay. My dad's a giant asshole.