Night Court
1984
Bull Shannon: You're a judge. You stand for justice. (to Billie) Bull Shannon: You're a public defender. You stand for the underprivileged. I'm a bailiff. I stand. Kind of like cattle.
Mac Robinson: Bull has got himself a girlfriend. Dan Fielding: Really? Animal, mineral or vegetable?
Dan Fielding: Objection. Harry Stone: Overruled. Dan Fielding: Exception. Harry Stone: Noted. Dan Fielding: Frustration. Harry Stone: Vented.
Irene: Harry, I can't help feeling that my life would have been different if only I had met you twenty years ago. Harry Stone: I know mine would have. I was fourteen.
(on Dan's upcoming operation) Mac Robinson: I know this takes a lot of guts. Dan Fielding: About two and a half feet, from what they tell me.
Public Defender Christine Sullivan: Sir, would you please tell him that I am not a pervert? Morgue Attendant: Look, pervert, prude, it's not my job to label people. (holds up toe-tag) Morgue Attendant: Wait. I guess it is!
(pickup line) Dan Fielding: Me Tarzan, you lucky.
Buddy Ryan: With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?
Man: Why is the sky blue? Harry Stone: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.
Dan Fielding: Yes, I think it's sunk through the first four or five layers... (Bull slaps forehead) Dan Fielding: We have comprehension.
(a group of old ladies stand accused of running an unlicensed phone-sex service) Judge Harry T. Stone: I don't mean to offend you ladies, but are there really that many people who like to fantasize while talking to... Old Lady 2: A bunch of old broads? Judge Harry T. Stone: Okay. Old Lady 1: Oh, they don't know how old we are. I always use a phone persona, to heighten the fantasy. Old Lady 1: (mimes picking up a phone and talking in a sexy voice) "Hi, I'm Bent Barbara." Dan Fielding: (looking shocked) YOU'RE BENT BARBARA? Old Lady 2: You sound kind of familiar... Old Lady 1: It's VICK VASELINO. Dan Fielding: (Scottish accent) Uh, no lass, you must be mistaken. Old Lady 1: You can't fool us, Vic. Not after sharing so many personal, intimate fantasies. So... Old Lady 1: (pointing to Christine) You must be Christine.
Dan Fielding: (trapped in a motel room with a psychotic woman who acts out movie roles) What do you say we pop on the TV and watch a couple of movies, eh? (he turns on the TV) TV Announcer: : We'll return to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"... Dan Fielding: (changes the channel) Seen that already. TV Announcer: : Tonight on Movie Showcase: "Dressed to Kill"... Dan Fielding: (changes the channel) Where are the Muppets when you need them, huh?
Harry Stone: Miss Sullivan, in this case I happen to think Dan is more qualified. Christine Sullivan: Why, because he has a pair of... (notices Roz staring at her) Christine Sullivan: ... pants? Roz Russell: Chicken!
Harry Stone: Cleaver, you may be younger, you may be faster, you may even be smarter. But you will NEVER, EVER, be crazier... than me.
Harry Stone: (quickly) You see, after I found out she was married I tried to grab my clothes but they were thrown out the window, then I tried to grab my robe which was hanging on a scaffold, then my underwear got caught on a nail and then they blew away. Bull Shannon: I hate when that happens.
Harry Stone: Why didn't she just come to me instead of set me up like that? Roz Russell: Maybe she was so distraught she didn't realize she was hurting you in the process. Harry Stone: Yeah, maybe. Roz Russell: Or... Harry Stone: Or? Roz Russell: Your animal magnetism has been driving her insane for years. And in the presence of the beast, her libido exploded in a frezy of desire few of us will ever experience even once in our lifetimes. Harry Stone: You got a big raise coming.
(Dan is stranded in the Arctic) Dan Fielding: How do you people stay in touch with the outside world? Kumok: By snow plane. Dan Fielding: Well, that's great. When does it get here? Kumok: In morning. Dan Fielding: Fantastic. When's morning? Kumok: Next April, sharp. Dan Fielding: April? You mean, I get to spend the next six months with the "Slush Family Robinson" here?
(Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking) Harry Stone: Bull! Bull Shannon: Mind if I smoke? Christine Sullivan: Doctor, is he all right? Doctor: That depends. What did he look like before? Mac Robinson: Just like that. Doctor: Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine. Harry Stone: Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating. Doctor: Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased. Bull Shannon: But I'm feeling much better now. Dan Fielding: Really? You look dead on your feet. (He laughs; glares from everyone) Dan Fielding: Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?
(repeated line) Buddy Ryan: ... but I'm feeling MUCH better now!
Roz Russell: (Bull's blind girlfriend has escorted him out of the room) The blind... leading the blank.
(Harry bribes a messenger boy to sing a regular telegram) Timmy: (to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat) "U.S. Army sad to say that sometime yesterday/ Captain Fielding's plane went down north of Hudson Bay." Christine Sullivan: (reading) "Although a body has not been found, he is presumed dead at the scene." Bull Shannon: Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream!
Christine Sullivan: Oh I got married in a pancake house! What could be more idiotic? Dan Fielding: A chicken and waffle joint comes to mind.
Judge Harry T. Stone: (Harry has to be told about a department store Santa's altercation with a hooker and her pimp, but in the presence of a little boy) And you are? Mandy Davis: I'm the gift that keeps on giving. Judge Harry T. Stone: And... ? Lorenzo: I'm the elf who handles the money.
(after Christine makes a joke) Harry Stone: She is to comedy what Roy Rogers is... to comedy.
Harry T. Stone: Fifty dollars plus time served.
Dan Fielding: (to Harry) If you weren't born, Walt Disney would have to draw you.
Harry Stone: (to a defendant) Well, I'm gonna find the defendant guilty of assault and battery, and Mr Gunther, I am gonna give you two days in the slammer. Because you've got to learn, that this is not funny, no matter what you think of the man's musical talent! (we see the victim who has a harmonica stuffed in his mouth) Dan Fielding: Be grateful it was your mouth.
(Mac is trying to figure out the new computer system) Harry T. Stone: What's the next case, Mac? Mac Robinson: (staring at the computer, confused) Uh, People vs. Pac Man, sir.
(Mac walks in on Bull who is leaning over the rear end of a horse) Bull Shannon: Hi, Mac; it's not what you think! Mac Robinson: God, I hope not!
Harry Stone: And what's the people's problem with Papaya Patty, Mr Prosecutor? Dan Fielding: Papaya Patty was pinched for panhandling in a public park. Harry Stone: Pshaw! Well, Mr Prosecutor, shall we pass along Papaya Patty's problem to Public Housing? Dan Fielding: Perfect, partner. Harry Stone: Recess! (bangs gavel)
(discussing plea deals before session) Dan Fielding: Mackinaw. Christine Sullivan: Now this guy, he's a family man. Do you have to charge him with indecent exposure? Dan Fielding: A guy shows up at a public beach wearing nothing but a hot dog bun and relish, what am I supposed to charge him with? Christine Sullivan: Vending without a license?
(Bull was hit by lightning) Doctor: It's a miracle he wasn't even hurt. With the voltage he absorbed, it must have been like French-kissing a light socket. Bull Shannon: No, that feels different.
(the court has to finish it's docket by midnight to save an orphanage) Harry T. Stone: People versus? Mac Robinson: Wagner. Harry T. Stone: Prostitution? Mac Robinson: Positively. Harry T. Stone: Prosecution? Dan Fielding: Pictures. Christine Sullivan: Objection! Harry T. Stone: Grounds? Christine Sullivan: Entrapment. Dan Fielding: Ridiculous. Harry T. Stone: Reason? Dan Fielding: Witnesses. Harry T. Stone: Overruled. Christine Sullivan: Darn. Harry T. Stone: Plea? Hooker: Guilty. Harry T. Stone: Motion? Christine Sullivan: Leniency? Harry T. Stone: Granted. Christine Sullivan: Fine? Harry T. Stone: Fifty. Christine Sullivan: Finished. Dan Fielding: Freebie? Hooker: Forget it!
(Dan is assisting a woman in labor) Benet Collins: Try pulling a Cabbage Patch Doll through your nostrils, see what kind of sound you make! Dan Fielding: That's it, just let it all out. Benet Collins: Oh, if you don't like it, you can leave! I told you before, I don't need anyone! Dan Fielding: Oh fine, I'll just go get you a mirror and some salad tongs, and you can do this yourself.
(Dan is assisting a woman in labor) Dan Fielding: Tommy, me get some surgical gloves. Officer Tommy: Uh, fr-from where? Dan Fielding: My briefcase, top pocket. Great, now I can deduct them.
(Harry has been taking care of a man's funeral ashes in a small urn) Harry Stone: Hey, this thing's empty! Art Fensterman: Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker. Harry Stone: Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb! (they look over and see Dan standing at the coffee maker, his mug frozen against his lips)
Arthur Thursby: You're insane! Harry Stone: They called me mad at the university!
(on trial are a group of beauty contestants who attacked their sneaky pageant coordinator) Dan Fielding: Your Honor, according to witnesses, Miss Congeniality led the attack with a kick to the groin.
(Ernie throws Dan to the floor and steps on his neck) Ernie: All right, Fielding! You make one move, I'll blow your brains into the office downstairs! Dan Fielding: (choked) I got no problem with that.
(the night after Bull was hit by lighting) Harry Stone: Hey Roz, how's Bull doing? Roz Russell: Oh, he's fine. Had kind of a rough night, though. Christine Sullivan: Really? Roz Russell: Never wear polyester underwear if you're gonna be hit by lightning.
(Dan breaks down crying the night after his date) Dan Fielding: Women. Harry Stone: So, who was it last night? The Soviet gymnast? Mac Robinson: The farmer's daughter? Bull Shannon: One of those rubber-jointed ladies from the freak shows that like to be handcuffed and thrown around the room by their ponytails, screaming for mercy until they black out? (Stares from everyone) Bull Shannon: What?
Public Defender Christine Sullivan: You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer. Dan Fielding: It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves. Mac Robinson: Get out! Dan Fielding: No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer... Bull Shannon: Like going to the bathroom. (stares from everyone) Bull Shannon: What?
Harry T. Stone: Bull, you look depressed. Bull Shannon: I am. My word of the month is so obscure I can't find an opportunity to use it in conversation. Harry T. Stone: What word is that? Bull Shannon: "Pentimento." Harry T. Stone: (after a beat, turns to Dan) So how about that Jets game last night, huh? Billie Young: Bull, what exactly does pentimento mean? Bull Shannon: It's an artistic term, referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance. Dan Fielding: You mean like that little brown shadow on top of your head that you affectionately refer to as hair? Bull Shannon: Good example!
Dan Fielding: This is Horace Jenkins, Your Honor. Assault with intent to commit bodily harm. Hondo Jenkins: What other kind is there? Dan Fielding: Mr Jenkins got into an argument with a patron at the Monte Carlo lounge, and attacked him with a blunt instrument, specifically, the manager.
Dan Fielding: Mr Hubbell was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality, when he was mugged outside of city hall. Mr Hubble: They took everything. My wallet, my keys, my cash... Billie Young: And after pleading with several passer-bys for bus fare, Mr Hubbell attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists. They turned him down. Harry Stone: And? Dan Fielding: He mugged them. Your Honor, the state wishes to submit evidence. We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen, and over seventy action-packed photographs of the incident.
Dan Fielding: I guess there aren't too many guys stupid enough to pay $900 for a Snickers bar, huh? (He laughs, then turns and sees Bull, arrested in the motion of biting into a Snickers bar) Dan Fielding: He's gonna play show-and-tell with my vital organs, isn't he? Roz Russell: Kind of a hollow feeling, huh?
(in a fit of temper, Dan destroys a portable TV which he learns afterward was Bull's) Dan Fielding: Money or revenge? Bull Shannon: Revenge. (Dan takes off his watch, then takes off his shoe and smashes it to pieces) Bull Shannon: Thank you.
(to District Attorney Daniels, a midget) Dan Fielding: Sir, I apologize if anything I said caused you pain. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice. Vincent Daniels: Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.
(District Attorney Daniels says he's not going to fire Dan, because he's impressed with his record) Vincent Daniels: But mostly it's because it'll give me a chance to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man that God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I'm going to make you slither on the ground like a snake! Dan Fielding: GOD BLESS YOU! (Dan hugs him, then leaves) Vincent Daniels: I don't understand him. Harry Stone: Me neither. But we can both have some fun abusing him until we do.
Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone: If I had a dime for every woman... Assistant District Attorney Daniel Reinhold Fielding: You could make a phone call.
Harry Stone: Your father left? Vincent Daniels: When I was a child. I can't say I blame him. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy whenever I get near a drinking fountain!
(the court has to finish its docket by midnight to let the last defendant out in time to rescue his true love from her snob mother) Christine Sullivan: I think your daughter could do a lot worse than a guy like Ben. Mrs Rollins: I didn't send my daughter to Europe for two years so she could marry a loser, and end up pregnant working in some dead-end job, like... well, like YOU! (she walks away; Christine slowly turns around) Christine Sullivan: Sir, I say we take the bitch down.
Judge Casement: Who do you think you are, Pencil Neck? Harry Stone: I happen to be a judge. Judge Casement: Well, Judge Pencil Neck...
Judge Martin A. Landis: You a Shriner, Stone? Harry Stone: No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village. Judge Martin A. Landis: That's where I got my Captain Video helmet! Harry Stone: You got a Captain Video helmet? Judge Martin A. Landis: You didn't invent whimsy, you know. I'm not senile, Stone, I've been like this for fifty years. So even if I do become senile, people will never know. Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I?
Harry Stone: Listen, Judge Landis... Judge Martin A. Landis: Shut up, I'm old, I can talk as long as I want.
Harry Stone: Carla, I already quit, you can't tell them anything. Carla B.: You're not a judge now, you can't tell me what to do anymore. Judge Martin A. Landis: She's got you by the statutes there, Stone!
Dan Fielding: Are we feeling a weentsy-bitsy bitchy today?
Lorna Huebner: Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene." Arlene Huebner: Why, you lying... ! Harry Stone: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dying words? Is Dad dead? Dan Fielding: As a kipper on a cracker! (shocked looks) I'm sorry to say. Harry Stone: Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here. Bull Shannon: He is, Your Honor. (Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk) Bull Shannon: This is Mr Hubner. Harry Stone: Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.
(Christine, Harry, and Bull storm into Thursby's office) Judge Harry T. Stone: Thursby, you're scum! Arthur Thursby: (into phone) You'll have to excuse me, Monsignor. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly just dropped by.
Moody: Too risky. Our only option is open gunplay. Judge Harry T. Stone: Listen, fathead, the last thing we need is to have some trigger-happy lunatic in charge! (into phone) Judge Harry T. Stone: No, no, Mr President, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, I'm sure you do get that kind of thing all the time.
Ernie: (with his foot on Dan's neck) It's a bribery sting! We're arresting Fielding, we had the judge wired. Bert Felch: We're arresting the judge, we had Fielding wired! Ernie: You mean... ? Bert Felch: Oh, for crying out loud! Ain't that the craziest thing? (laughter)
Judge Harry T. Stone: Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?
Dan Fielding: Mr Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women. Judge Harry T. Stone: All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive. Dan Fielding: When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam." Christine Sullivan: Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that... Judge Harry T. Stone, Mac Robinson, Dan Fielding: SEVEN HOURS? (Mr Shibata gives a short Japanese bow; Mac, Harry, and Dan all bow lower)
(the defendant is a Japanese businessman who cavorted with three prostitutes for seven straight hours) Dan Fielding: My God, man, how do you do it? Mr Shibata: (thumps his chest) Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine! Dan Fielding: (to stenographer) You got that? (she nods)
Mac Robinson: They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir. Judge Harry T. Stone: 509? Mac Robinson: Uh-huh. Judge Harry T. Stone: B? Mac Robinson: Yep. Judge Harry T. Stone: I don't believe I'm familiar with that one. Dan Fielding: Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry. Judge Harry T. Stone: Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.
Christine Sullivan: Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator. Judge Harry T. Stone: So all the would-be chicks are now... Dan Fielding: Quiche, yes sir.
Dan Fielding: Wait a minute, you're carrying 250,000 bucks around in a coffee can? Bob Wheeler: No, just half of it. June's hiding the rest in her brassiere. Judge Harry T. Stone: Looks like June is busting out all over.
Christine Sullivan: Oh, Dad, you are such a sweet, sensitive, thoughtful person... why is it I want to rip your ears off sometime? Jack Sullivan: Your mother used to always ask me the same thing.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Judge Stone, will you be represented by counsel? Judge Harry T. Stone: I will be representing myself, Your Honor. Judge Martin A. Landis: "He who represents himself has a fool for a client." Who said that? Judge Robert Willard: Oliver Wendell Holmes. Judge Martin A. Landis: Who cares?
Bull Shannon: This is Rozalind Russell. Dan Fielding: Hello! I'm Mr Ed! Judge Harry T. Stone: So, you're Rozalind Russell. Roz Russell: My mother was a show business freak. I do consider myself more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa. Or my brother, Slappy. Or my younger brother... Judge Harry T. Stone: Your brother... ? Roz Russell: Topo Gigio.
Harry T. Stone: (Buddy enters Cafeteria where Harry is eating) Hey, Buddy! How you doin'? Buddy Ryan: Well, there was that one Saran Wrap incident... but I'm feeling much better now.
(on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously) Mr Fengler: Please, let me go! Let me out of here! Bull Shannon: Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless. Mr Fengler: You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me! Christine Sullivan: Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you! (everyone stares at her) Christine Sullivan: I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr Prosecutor? Dan Fielding: Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth. Mr Fengler: I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped. Christine Sullivan: Oh, you poor thing! Dan Fielding: Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the SHOT GUN he had with him! Christine Sullivan: You had a shotgun? Mr Fengler: A little one. Dan Fielding: The term is "sawed-off"!
Bull Shannon: (approaches the cafeteria table where everyone is sitting. He is wearing boxers and a t-shirt) Hi, guys. Harry Stone: Bull? Bull Shannon: Oh, don't worry, Your Honor. I'm just having one of those dreams where you show up to work in your underwear. Harry Stone: Bull, this isn't a dream. Bull Shannon: It's not? (everyone shakes there heads) Yikes! (Bull runs out)
Billie Young: So, how is it you were picked? Harry Stone: Well, they started at the bottom of a very long list and began calling candidates one at a time. Billie Young: You mean to tell me you were picked. Harry Stone: Because I was home.
Dan Fielding: My name is Dan. Dan Fielding. Kumok: Hello, Dan-Dan Fielding!
Yakov Korolenko: Go, Yankees! Lou Piniella!
Dan Fielding: And starring Dan Fielding as The Scarecrow.
Harry Stone: ... And next time order take out. Leave the bird alone. (cut to Wile E. Coyote)
Wendell Martin: (Bull has been trying to quiet a group of mental patients on trial) Heeeyyy! (all goes quiet) The little fella said to be quiet. (Bull scowls at Wendell)
Dr Judith Malloy: Dan, make me scream like a banshee!
Dan Fielding: (Dan must perform an operation on the Eskimo Kista for a hand-injured doctor. Dan makes an incision in the area of her appendix) Gasp! It's blood! Dr Gordon Mooney: (annoyed) Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?
Liz Williams: (Liz and Dan are left alone after being handcuffed together by Yakov, a Russian immigrant) You want anything to drink? Dan Fielding: No. I must have had seven... maybe eight cups of coffee earlier. Liz Williams: Ah. (suddenly realizes) Oh, no! Dan Fielding: Yeah! (Dan crosses his legs tightly)
(during a Christmas episode, Harry happens to look outside of his chambers, and sees a reindeer in the hallway) Harry Stone: (running back into chambers) Everyone, come quick, you have to see this! (everyone runs out into the hallway. Selma is standing where the reindeer was) Bull Shannon: It's Selma! Harry Stone: Selma, did you see that? Selma Hacker: I saw it, all right. (she begins to walk away. Everyone runs to where she was standing) Selma Hacker: If you think I'm cleaning that up, you're out of your mind.
Harry Stone: (talking about Dan's parents) They can't be that bad. Dan Fielding: My God, man! They're *democrats*!
Public Defender Christine Sullivan: (desperately trying to distract Fenton) Is there something in my eye? Gary Fenton: Yes. Broccoli.
(Dan and Harry are competing for the attention of Christine's college roommate, Heather) Bull Shannon: The honorable - and sexy! - Judge Harold T. Stone presiding. Dan Fielding: Objection! Harry Stone: Overruled!
Dan Fielding: (Dan, stuck with a small tribe of Eskimos in the arctic, has just finished performing surgery on an Eskimo woman. He's alone and reflecting on his lifestyle, praying that she survives) If you let Kista live, I promise I'll try to be a little better. (pause) Oh, if you happen to get around to it... (yells) Would you get me the hell out of here?
Bull Shannon: (closely observing Gary Fenton who is waking up from a loss of consciousness. Bull's voice is creepy) We've been waiting for you, Mr Fenton. Bull Shannon: (Gary Fenton cries out and faints. Bull looks at everyone puzzled) He looked like he just saw a ghost.
Dan Fielding: You know, one of my college roommates actually contracted rabies. He died soon after. Got run over while chasing a car. (chuckles) Just kidding. He died of rabies.
Dan Fielding: I know every nook and cranny a body could fit into in this place.
Harry Stone: (Dan is suddenly being nice to Christine) Mac, do you notice a change in the suck-up wind? Mac Robinson: 'Bout ripped my eyebrows off, sir.
Judge Crockett: Raise your right hand. (Harry does so) Are ya planning to shoot anyone? Harry Stone: No... Judge Crockett: Good! You're a judge again!
Harry Stone: (after finding out Buddy's his biological father) Okay Buddy, what is it? Nothing you can say can possibly shock me! Buddy Ryan: You were born in a *mental institution*! Harry Stone: I stand corrected.
Dan Fielding: (Dan is calling around for a Halloween costume. Listens to a clerk on the phone. To Florence) What's a Smurf? Florence Kleiner: Try to imagine a cat throwing up a blue hairball.
Dan Fielding: (on his talk show) How much bigger can those puppies get? Public Defender Christine Sullivan: It's none of your business how much bigger my puppies get!
Phil Sanders: That's the kind of failure I can only dream about.
Dan Fielding: I have stood next to death, and people liked him better.
Harry Stone: They confessed their guilt, they told no lies. But oh how they could harmonize. (about a barbershop quartet)
Dan Fielding: (after confessing he destroyed Harry's collection of Mel Torme albums) Harry, here it is in a nutshell. Mel Torme is in your office right now! He wanted to leave but I couldn't let him, so I locked him up with your trick shackles! Harry Stone: I don't have any trick shackles. Those are real, and I don't have a key! Dan Fielding: Oh! Then I just managed to kidnap a well known jazz artist. Gotta go, bye!
Bull Shannon: (a city rep offers $25,000 to Bull so he doesn't sue the city after being struck by lightning. Looks to the courtroom ceiling) Thank yoooouuu. (he exits the courtroom) Mac Robinson: (Mac enters and hears beeping on the computer) (reads) "You're welcome. And sorry about the underwear."
Bull Shannon: So, Mr Torme, how did you like your tour of the morgue? Mel Torme: (emotional and wiping his brow) Very educational.
Bull Shannon: (pinching the back of Dan's neck to relieve tension) Of course if you miss this spot a quarter inch either way, you could render a man blind or impotent. (releases Dan) Christine Sullivan: Dan, are you okay? Dan Fielding: (looks at Christine) Well, I can see. (Christine leans over at her desk to review some work. Dan's looking at her butt) Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Phil Sanders: (suggesting a slogan for Dan's campaign for mayor) The Big Apple needs a worm like Fielding.
Roz Russell: (at Dan's *funeral*) The Dan Fielding I knew was a self centered, egotistical, bootlicking, no-good sack of slime in a $500 suit. His every action had an ulterior motive: if Dan gave you the shirt off his back you could bet that his pants and underwear would soon follow.
Harry Stone: (as Sascha Minkoff exits the elevator) Ms Minkoff, here's your ring back. Sascha Minkoff: Oh, who cares about that stupid rock. (walks off smiling) Harry Stone: (sees Dan stumbling around on the elevator) Dan? Dan Fielding: (dazed) Harry? Harry Stone: Are you all right? Dan Fielding: I'm fine. Dan Fielding: (in a John Wayne persona) Pilgrim. Never better.
Harry Stone: You robbed an international house of pancakes. How waffle.