A Night at the Opera

1935

Otis B. Driftwood: I saw Mrs Claypool first. Of course, her mother really saw her first but there's no point in bringing the Civil War into this.

Otis B. Driftwood: You're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie.

Mrs Claypool: Are you sure you have everything, Otis? Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I haven't had any complaints yet.

Otis B. Driftwood: And now, on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

Mrs Claypool: I've been sitting right here since seven o'clock. Otis B. Driftwood: Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Otis B. Driftwood: That woman? Do you know why I sat with her? Because she reminded me of you. Mrs Claypool: Really? Otis B. Driftwood: Of course, that's why I'm sitting here with you. Because you remind me of you. Your eyes, your throat, your lips! Everything about you reminds me of you. Except you. How do you account for that? If she figures that one out, she's good.

Otis B. Driftwood: It's all right, that's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause. (Fiorello laughs loudly) Fiorello: You can't fool me! There ain't no Santa Claus!

Otis B. Driftwood: (to carriage driver) Hey you. I told you to slow that nag down. On account of you I almost heard the opera.

Otis B. Driftwood: Ladies and gentlemen... I guess that takes in most of you...

Otis B. Driftwood: That's the fire escape. And, uh... that's a table, and this is a room, and there's the door leading out, and I wish you'd use it, I... I vant to be alone! Henderson: You'll be alone when I throw you in jail! Otis B. Driftwood: Isn't there a song like that, Henderson?

Fiorello: What'll I say? Otis B. Driftwood: Tell them you're not here. Fiorello: Suppose they don't believe me? Otis B. Driftwood: They'll believe you when you start talking.

Otis B. Driftwood: I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs Claypool's cheques will probably come back in the morning. Claypool's checks will probably come back in the morning.

Otis B. Driftwood: Have you got any stewed prunes? Steward: Yes, Sir. Otis B. Driftwood: Well, give them some black coffee. That'll sober them up.

Otis B. Driftwood: You didn't happen to see my suit in there, did you? Fiorello: Yeah, it was taking up too much room, so we sold it. Otis B. Driftwood: Did you get anything for it? Fiorello: Uh... dollar forty. Otis B. Driftwood: That's my suit all right.

(upon seeing a cast member made up to appear hideously ugly) Otis B. Driftwood: Boogie, boogie, boogie. How would you like to feel the way she looks?

Lassparri: Never in my life have I received such treatment. They threw an apple at me. Otis B. Driftwood: Well, watermelons are out of season.

(the waiter brings the bill) Otis B. Driftwood: Let me see that... 9 dollars and 40 cents? This is an outrage. (to his dinner companion) Otis B. Driftwood: If I were you I wouldn't pay it.

Lassparri: (costumed as Pagliacci) Now, what have you got to say to me? Otis B. Driftwood: Just this - can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?

Henderson: Hey, who were you talking to? Otis B. Driftwood: I was talking to myself, and there's nothing you can do about it. I've had three of the best doctors in the East.

Otis B. Driftwood: Have you got any milk-fried chickens? Waiter: Yes, sir. Otis B. Driftwood: Well, squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass.

Otis B. Driftwood: Do they allow tipping on the boat? Steward: Yes, sir. Otis B. Driftwood: Have you got two fives? Steward: Yes, sir! Otis B. Driftwood: Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you.

Henderson: You live here all alone? Otis B. Driftwood: Yes. Just me and my memories. I'm practically a hermit. Henderson: Oh. A hermit. I notice the table's set for four. Otis B. Driftwood: That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight. That doesn't prove a thing.

Otis B. Driftwood: Was that a high C, or Vitamin D?

Mrs Claypool: Get off that bed. What would people say? Otis B. Driftwood: They'd probably say you're a very lucky woman.

Henderson: Say! Now, how did those two bed get together? Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you know how those things are, they breed like rabbits.

Mrs Claypool: If you had any real feeling for me you'd stop associating with the kind of riffraff I've seen you going around with. Otis B. Driftwood: You mean Gottlieb? Mrs Claypool: I mean those two uncouth men I saw you around the opera house with. I'm very grateful they're not on board the boat. Otis B. Driftwood: Why, have they slipped off?

Henderson: What's a hermit doing with four beds? Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you see those first three beds? Henderson: Yes. Otis B. Driftwood: Last night, I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have another bed to sleep in. You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you?

Otis B. Driftwood: Senor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well-known bass singer. His father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time.

Henderson: The last time I was in this room there were four beds here. Otis B. Driftwood: Please! I'm not interested in your private life, Henderson.

Otis B. Driftwood: You see that spaghetti? Now, behind that spaghetti is none other than Herman Gottlieb, director of the New York Opera Company. Do you follow me? Mrs Claypool: Yes. Otis B. Driftwood: Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested!

Otis B. Driftwood: Hey, you big bully. What's the idea of hitting that little bully?

Otis B. Driftwood: Two beers, bartender! Fiorello: I'll take two beers, too.

Otis B. Driftwood: Say, I just remembered, I came back here looking for somebody. You don't know who it is, do you? Fiorello: It's a funny thing, it just slipped my mind.

Otis B. Driftwood: Could he sail tomorrow? Fiorello: You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.

(Driftwood agrees to read the contract to Fiorello) Otis B. Driftwood: All right, I'll read it to you. Can you hear? Fiorello: I haven't heard anything yet. Did you say anything? Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing. Fiorello: Well, that's-a why I didn't hear anything. Otis B. Driftwood: Well, that's why I didn't say anything.

(Fiorello and Driftwood go over the first clause of their contract) Otis B. Driftwood: Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh? Fiorello: No, that's no good. Otis B. Driftwood: What's the matter with it? Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again. Otis B. Driftwood: It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time. Otis B. Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more? Fiorello: Er... just the first part. Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean? The... the party of the first part? Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part. Otis B. Driftwood: All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract... " look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

(Fiorello and Driftwood go over the second clause of their contract) Otis B. Driftwood: Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part." Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that... Otis B. Driftwood: Now what's the matter? Fiorello: I no like-a the second party, either. Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you should of come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days!

(the ship is sailing away from the dock) Otis B. Driftwood: Hey, have I got time to go back and pay my hotel bill? Ship Captain: Sorry, too late. Otis B. Driftwood: That suits me fine.

Otis B. Driftwood: Let's go in my room and talk the situation over. Mrs Claypool: What situation? Otis B. Driftwood: Well, er... what situations have you got? Mrs Claypool: I most certainly will not go to your room. Otis B. Driftwood: OK, then I'll stay here. Mrs Claypool: All right, all right, all right! I'll come, but get out. Otis B. Driftwood: Shall we say, uh, ten minutes? Mrs Claypool: Yes, ten minutes, anything. But go! Otis B. Driftwood: Because if you're not there in ten minutes, I'll be back here in eleven. With squeaky shoes on!

(Driftwood opens a drawer in his trunk to find Toamsso sleeping) Otis B. Driftwood: That can't be my shirt, my shirt doesn't snore. Fiorello: Shh! Don't wake him up. He's got insomnia, he's trying to sleep it off.

(in reference to Tomasso) Otis B. Driftwood: Wouldn't it be simpler if you just had him stuffed? Fiorello: He's no olive.

Otis B. Driftwood: (attempting to sell insurance to a ship porter) I have here an accident policy that will absolutely protect you no matter what happens. If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it.

Manicurist: Did you want a manicure? Otis B. Driftwood: No, come on in.

Ship Captain: I cannot let the evening pass without paying a little tribute to our distinguished guests of honor - the three greatest aviators in the world. Otis B. Driftwood: Three greatest aviators, but you notice they're traveling by boat.

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