New Tricks
2004
(Gerry is in the opticians. He tries on a pair of half-moon glasses that he thinks make him look like 'David Dickinson II) ' (qv) , presenter of the _"Bargain Hunt (2000) _ (qv) antiques programme Gerry Standing: David Dickinson? Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Yeah - but without the "David" or the "inson"
Superintendent Sandra Pullman: She's not my girlfriend, she's my shrink! Gerry Standing: A shrink! Brian Lane: Why does she need to see a shrink? Jack Halford: You're the expert, you tell us!
(Gerry has read the memo about the new health checks) Gerry Standing: They're taking the piss! PC Clark: Not yet, but they will. 300 mls minimum.
(Pullman has caught PC Clarke acting as Tea Boy) Jack Halford: It was a one-off. Brian Lane: You mean a two-off. Superintendent Sandra Pullman: All right, make it a three-off. (Gerry walks in, and spots the tray Clark is holding) Gerry Standing: Wow! Chocolate biscuits! Make us a cup of tea, son.
(Dave Milner is eating a very fatty breakfast. Gerry looks on in disgust) Gerry Standing: Have you any idea what that's doing to your arteries? Dave Milner: I'm more worried about losing one of my balls. How often do you check yours for lumps? Gerry Standing: 'Scuse me! I didn't buy you breakfast so we could discuss how often you fondle the crown jewels. Dave Milner: Sandra Pullman... She as hard as they say? Gerry Standing: Don't you worry about your lumps. One look from her can shrivel your balls from fifty yards. Enjoy your breakfast.
Chris McConnell: I want to run with this on Sunday. I'll run with it, whatever. There's other papers sniffing around. Superintendent Sandra Pullman: If Kitty Campbell finds out you're gonna run, she'll injunct. Chris McConnell: I'll give her a call Saturday night for comment. If she wants to appeal, I've got QCs coming out of my backside. Gerry Standing: Best place for 'em!
Gerry Standing: Will you stop creeping up on me! Brian Lane: I don't creep, I glide.
(after discovering a map with an X on it) Brian Lane: If you find a map with an X on it, you are intrinsically bound to follow it, go there, and start diggin'.