Never the Twain
1981
(Simon has lit a bonfire to blow smoke over Oliver's garden) David Peel: Dad, aren't you being a bit juvenile? Simon Peel: Certainly not. It's a privilege of middle age. Only children aren't allowed to be juvenile.
(discussing how Oliver will get his revenge) David Peel: He'd probably play his violin with the window open Simon Peel: Oh, no, Lucifer cured him of that, didn't you Lucifer. Jumped in and lept on him. Thought it was a mating call.
Simon Peel: Yesterday he had his radio blaring in the garden. Well, I didn't lose my temper, no, no, I just telephoned him a little later on and politely asked him not to do it again. David Peel: Yes, at 4 o'clock in the morning. Simon Peel: He hardly needed a phone, you could hear him swearing from here.
Oliver Smallbridge: (shutting the French windows to keep out the bonfire smoke) I'll wait till the Test Match and run my old motor mower. Completely ruins his television picture. Lyn Smallbridge: Mmmm. The subtle approach.
Oliver Smallbridge: Whose side are you on? Lyn Smallbridge: The side of reason, sanity... Oliver Smallbridge: Oh, I see, my own daughter is against me now. Lyn Smallbridge: Oh, I'm against him too. Mr Peel is as barmy as you are. Oliver Smallbridge: Now, look here, Lyn. Lyn Smallbridge: I'm sorry, I take it back. Mr Peel is not as barmy as you are.
(Oliver has recieved a letter from Simon's solicitor) Lyn Smallbridge: Is it about that tree you chopped down? Oliver Smallbridge: A lot of fuss about nothing. He never used that greenhouse anyway.
(David and his father are discussing Oliver) David Peel: You've got such a lot in common. Same line of business, about the same age. Simon Peel: He's a monbastic windbag. David Peel: Well, there's that too.
Simon Peel: There's a great deal of difference between antiques and junk. David Peel: Yes, it depends whether you're buying or selling.
Simon Peel: One day, I hope you'll be keeping my account books. David Peel: Which set?
Oliver Smallbridge: I'm not rushing you girl. It's just I want you to have what your dear mum had, God rest her. A strong, reliable, sensitive man to look after her. Lyn Smallbridge: You never told me about him. Oliver Smallbridge: I *was* refering to myself.
Oliver Smallbridge: (On his future grandchild) I can see him out there in the garden, happy, childish laughter. Shouting. Screaming. Kicking balls over his fence. Well, drive that Peel fellow raving mad, you know.
(at an auction room, Oliver has picked up a blunderbus when Simon arrives) Simon Peel: (examining the blunderbuss) Uhm. Lot 27. Not really suitable for your shop, you know. That's genuine. Oliver Smallbridge: Well, well, Peel. Fancy meeting you here, and me with an unloaded gun. (Oliver puts the blunderbus down) Simon Peel: I didn't expect to see you here. There's no sign of your horse and cart outside.
Oliver Smallbridge: (pointing to the sale list) I'll tell you what. There's something that'll interest you, boy. Stuffed Moose, Stuffed Boar, go nicely with your shirt.
Simon Peel: (walking towards an open chest and picking up an African Tribal mask) This would suit you perfectly. Every home should have one - a family portrait. (Simon hands the mask to Oliver and walks away, just as the auctioneer appears) Auctioneer: (Indicating the mask) I'll let you have that cheap, governor, fiver, on account it's *supposed* to have a curse on it. Oliver Smallbridge: Curse? Can you deliver it? Auctioneer: Certainly. Oliver Smallbridge: (Handing the mask to the Auctioneer) Done - to Simon Peel.
Auctioneer: Lot 12, A Chinese vase. Simon Peel: (looks around) 30 pounds. Oliver Smallbridge: 40. Simon Peel: 50. Oliver Smallbridge: 60. Simon Peel: You're wasting your time, you know. Its a fake. (Simon turns towards the Auctioneer) Simon Peel: 70. Oliver Smallbridge: 80. Simon Peel: 90. Oliver Smallbridge: 100. Auctioneer: 100. Simon Peel: You're just trying to be difficult. 150. Oliver Smallbridge: 200 pounds. Auctioneer: 200 pounds I'm bid now. Any advance on 200? Going for 200. (bangs gavel) Auctioneer: Gone. Sold, Smallbridge. Give it to him. Oliver Smallbridge: (taking the vase in his hands) Don't feel too badly about it, Peel. You can't win em all. Simon Peel: No, but you can win some of them. (Simon points to the vase) Simon Peel: You know, considering that it *is* a fake, I didn't think I'd get such a good price for it.
Lyn Smallbridge: Daddy, are you in a good mood? Oliver Smallbridge: Never better. Somebody unloaded a skip outside Peel's shop. Blocked his car in - He had to come home by bus. Cost me a tenner, but well worth it.
Oliver Smallbridge: You're too young to have boyfriends Lyn Smallbridge: Well, how am I supposed to provide all these grandchildren, from a mail order catalogue?
Simon Peel: It's just that is seems like only yesterday that I was taking you on my knee and telling you about the birds and the bees. David Peel: It *was* yesterday - it was very embarrassing.
(Simon has answered his phone, to find Oliver on the other end) Oliver Smallbridge: Tell that boy of yours to stop it at once. Simon Peel: (looks towards David) Eating peanuts? Oliver Smallbridge: Mucking around with my girl. Simon Peel: Now, look here Smallbridge (David moves away from the sofa and out of shot) I hardly think you're in a pos... now, just a minute. Your daughter and my... (looks up, to find David has left the room) David. Oliver Smallbridge: They want to get married. Simon Peel: Married? Oliver Smallbridge: If we don't put a stop to it, we'll be related. Simon Peel: Oh my god, they'll have children, they'll look like you. Oliver Smallbridge: There's nothing else for it, we'll have to meet. Simon Peel: Yes, I suppose, well, you'd better come round here. Oliver Smallbridge: Not likely. You'll set that cat on me. You come round here under a flag of truce. Simon Peel: That's what you said last time. You ambushed me with a lawn sprinkler.
(David has escaped to the Smallbridge house) David Peel: Are you sure it's safe? Is that great hulking monster about? Lyn Smallbridge: No, he's gone next door to see your father.
Simon Peel: We'd better try to be civilised about this. It's an emergency, and there's no point in trying to score childish points off each other. (Lays a sheet of newspaper on a nearby chair) Do sit down. Oliver Smallbridge: (sits on the newspaper, and looks around) Not a bad bit of furniture. If you're thinking of selling, I'd give you a balloon for it. Simon Peel: I did'nt know you were interested in antiques. (Moves to the drinks cabinet) We must try to keep this as painless as possible. Scotch? Oliver Smallbridge: Well, I won't say no - providing you taste it first.
Oliver Smallbridge: We've got to tackle this problem with a bit of sublety - why don't you move to Australia? Simon Peel: I wouldn't get a good price for the house, not when people saw the neighbours.
Simon Peel: You could try dropping a few hints to your daughter - it's a fun life as a modern day nun. Oliver Smallbridge: What about your son? Simon Peel: He's too tall to be a nun.
Simon Peel: I notice you don't mind being called a crook. Oliver Smallbridge: Well, I've never denied being an antique dealer. The only difference between me and you is you cock your little finger every time you pick their pockets. Simon Peel: I run an honest business. Oliver Smallbridge: What? You'll be telling me you pay V.A.T. next. Simon Peel: I said honest, not simple minded.
Oliver Smallbridge: I started at the bottom, you need brains there. Simon Peel: Well, your brains are in your bottom.
Oliver Smallbridge: What about Lyn? The apple of my eye, the girl I refuse nothing to? Lyn Smallbridge: (opening the door) Can I come in? Oliver Smallbridge: No. Simon Peel: This is my house. I decide who can come in. Lyn Smallbridge: (entering the room) So can I? Simon Peel: No.
Simon Peel: I refuse to have Smallbridge genes in my house. Lyn Smallbridge: I'll wear a skirt. (Simon and Oliver look down, and burst out laughing)
(David enters the room, after Lyn tells him that Simon and Oliver have given their consent for the wedding) David Peel: But, but, but, but, but... ? Oliver Smallbridge: But, but, but, but, but... Seems I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining an outbard motor.
David Peel: (while Simon and Oliver are preparing drinks) How did you get them to agree? Lyn Smallbridge: Well, I told them that we love each other, and that they were being unreasonable, and, I also told them a little white lie... Oliver Smallbridge: (handing drinks to David and Lyn) Here's to my grandchild. Simon Peel: Here's to *my* grandchild, and the happy mother and father to be. (David looks at Lyn, and drops his glass)
(David is compiling an invitation list for the wedding) David Peel: I've got to get this list down somehow. (Points to the list) I mean, well, this one. He's likely to be rude and get into a fight. Simon Peel: Well, cross him off. David Peel: Hmm. I thought you wanted to come. Simon Peel: When have I been rude? David Peel: The last time you saw Lyn's father. Simon Peel: That was a fair comment - he *does* dress like a burst mattress.
Simon Peel: I say, have you seen this? "Oliver Smallbridge, best prices paid for antiques, announces the engagement of his daughter Lyn, to David Peel" David Peel: He's advertised it. I didn't think he was too pleased. Simon Peel: He's not - he's put it in the obituary column.
David Peel: I didn't know we had such a large family. Simon Peel: Well, you're not making it any smaller, are you?
Simon Peel: Things have changed since my day you konw. (spotting something in the newspaper) I say, exhibition of local antiques. David Peel: Oh, you're not that old, Dad.
Oliver Smallbridge: (looking at Lyn's engagement ring) Very nice. What's holding up the curtain?
Oliver Smallbridge: I've got a lot of expenses coming up, you know. I've got to pay for the cars, the reception, cartridges for my shotgun.
Lyn Smallbridge: I suppose you'd rather I was marrying a boy just like you. Oliver Smallbridge: Good God, no! I was a smutty-minded little hooligan!
Lyn Smallbridge: (about David) We used to watch each other from a distance. Oliver Smallbridge: Oh, yes, and how did my future grandchild happen... semaphore?
Oliver Smallbridge: (Oliver is looking in the wall mirror) I don't look a day over 39... not in a certain light. Lyn Smallbridge: (standing behind Oliver) It's called a total eclipse. What's her name? Oliver Smallbridge: Veronica Barton. How did you know? Lyn Smallbridge: You've been pulling your stomach in ever since you came home.
Lyn Smallbridge: (Oliver tells Lyn about Veronica's porcelain figures) Has she accepted your offer? Oliver Smallbridge: Haven't made it yet.
Simon Peel: Very good looking woman, Mrs Barton. David Peel: Aren't you a bit long in the tooth for that sort of thing, Dad? Simon Peel: What a charming phrase. It's not like football, you don't have to retire when you're 30. David Peel: Did you score? Simon Peel: If you must know, she gave me a cup of tea and, er, we shook hands. David Peel: Wow, you've never even met before! Sorry. Well, there wouldn't be anything wrong with it. You're flesh and blood. Simon Peel: And long teeth.
Simon Peel: (Simon has taken Lucifer to the vet) (Peering into the cat basket) Now, Lucifer, you're to behave yourself. Don't do anything disgusting from either extremity (closes the lid, then notices the woman next to him has a budgie in a cage) Don't let him see that budgie, he'll think this is a takeaway!
Simon Peel: (Oliver enters the waiting room with Bruno) Well, well, well. Why are you bringing that great hairy thing in here? Oliver Smallbridge: Are you addressing me? Simon Peel: Certainly not! (points to Bruno) I'm talking to the dog.
Simon Peel: (Simon walks into the front room in a bad mood) It'll give me great pleasure to thump Smallbridge on the nose! David Peel: What's he done now? Simon Peel: He's been trying to force his grubby attentions on Veronica. They were seen last night in Flagrante Delecto! David Peel: What? Simon Peel: The new Italian restaurant in the High Street.
Simon Peel: What are his intentions towards her? That's what I'd like to know. David Peel: Probably the same as yours. Simon Peel: Filthy swine!
Simon Peel: There are certain things in life that are more important than money. There's friendship, respect... David Peel: Nookie! Simon Peel: ... Nookie. We don't all have your priorities, you know.