Mystery Men

1999

The Blue Raja: May the forks be with us.

The Shoveller: We've got a blind date with Destiny - and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.

Mr Furious: I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines.

The Sphinx: We are number one. All others are number two, or lower.

The Blue Raja: I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero.

Monica: I don't find you threatening. Mr Furious: Well, you're... kind. Monica: At all.

The Shoveller: We're not your classic heros. We're the other guys.

The Shoveller: God's given me a gift. I shovel well. I shove very well.

The Bowler: (to her father's skull, after avenging his death) OK, now I'm going back to graduate school. That was the agreement.

Mr Furious: Right now I'm kinda like a powder keg.

Mr Furious: After all, I am a ticking time bomb of fury.

The Sphinx: To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.

The Sphinx: You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.

The Sphinx: He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions.

The Sphinx: You must be like wolf pack, not six-pack.

The Shoveller: We fight crime. Call it what you will.

(Invisible Boy becomes visible in front of everyone and he's naked) The Bowler: Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you want to keep fighting evil today.

Mr Furious: Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your... butt.

Mr Furious: You must've torn out the "Q" section in my dictionary, because I don't know the meaning of the word "quit".

(Mr Furious tries to balance a hammer on his head) Mr Furious: Why am I doing this? The Sphinx: If you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack. Mr Furious: And why am I wearing the watermelon on my feet? The Sphinx: (looks at the watermelon on Mr Furious' feet) I don't remember telling you to do that.

Mr Furious: Looks like tonight the lone wolf rides... alone

Vic Weems: I'm a publicist, not a magician.

The Bowler: There's another chicken. Crazy chicken world.

The Sphinx: When you care what is outside, what is inside cares for you.

(Commenting On The Disco Boy's arsenal) Mr Furious: What? Guns? That's your power, you shoot guns? The Blue Raja: There's no theme at all here. Mr Furious: Weak. The Blue Raja: At best. (They high-five each other) Mr Furious: See, you've got a chain, I would at least make it a gold chain. (a Disco Boy wields a pipe) The Shoveller: And who are you, the Disco Plumber?

(the heroes talk about hero recruits) The Blue Raja: Well, there's The Sphinx. Mr Furious: Who? The Blue Raja: The Sphinx. The Shoveller: Yeah, I've heard of this guy. He's a big crime-fighter down south. Mr Furious: What's his power? The Blue Raja: Well, he's terribly mysterious. Mr Furious: That's his power, he's mysterious? The Blue Raja: He's TERRIBLY mysterious, actually. The Shoveller: Yeah, plus he can cut guns in half with his mind.

(the Spleen is shot in the rear) The Spleen: I CAN'T FEEL MY ASS. I CAN'T FEEL MY ASS. Invisible Boy: Doe's your power still work? The Spleen: Uh-oh, weapons check. Pull my fingers. (Invisible Boy pulls. Spleen lets loose a wind of gas, wiping out an entire gang) The Spleen: It'll do.

Mr Furious: Rage... taking over... Casanova Frankenstein: Yes, yes, we've heard that before. Mr Furious: No. Rage... REALLY taking over...

Capt Amazing: I knew you couldn't change. Casanova Frankenstein: I knew you'd know that. Capt Amazing: Oh, I know that. AND I knew you'd know I'd know you knew. Casanova Frankenstein: But I didn't. I only knew that you'd know that I knew. Did you know THAT? Capt Amazing: Of course.

The Blue Raja: Am I to understand that you have inserted your father's skull in that ball for bowling? The Bowler: No, the guy at the pro shop did it.

The Shoveller: We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.

Mr Furious: What kinda crazy man blows up a crazy house?

Roy's Boss: When are you going to tear down that jeep out there? Mr Furious: Now we went through this yesterday. That "jeep" is actually an armored car of some kind. It was made to withstand bombs, I can't just rip it apart with a crowbar.

Mr Furious: I'm a Pantera's box you do not wanna open. Casanova Frankenstein: It is "Pandora." Mr Furious: Please don't correct me, it sickens me.

The Spleen: Hiya fellas. Word on the street is you're lookin' for superheroes.

The Bowler: I would like to dedicate my victory to supporters of local music and those who seek out independent films.

Mr Furious: I just want to tell you that if I don't call you it's because I'm dead.

(while trying to berate Mr Furious/Roy) The Sphinx: You dress in the manner of a male prostitute.

Mr Furious: We're an elite cadr-cadrey... The Bowler: Cadre. The Shoveller: You're in.

Lucille: If just one person vomits in my pool, I'm divorcing you. The Shoveller: That's fair.

The Blue Raja: You're boy's a limey fork-flinger, Mother. What *will* the bridge club say? Blue Raja's mother: You need more forks?

The Shoveller: If we had a billionaire like Lance Hunt as our benefactor... Mr Furious: That's because Lance Hunt *IS* Captain Amazing The Shoveller: Don't start that *again*. Lance Hunt wears glasses. Captain Amazing *doesn't* wear glasses. Mr Furious: He takes them off when he transforms. The Shoveller: That doesn't make any sense, he wouldn't be able to see.

(the Spleen walks to the Bowler making kissing noises and clicks tongue) The Bowler: There's not enough beer in the world Spleen, I'm sorry.

The Bowler: See now, this is why mad scientists are generally less desirable than your common or garden variety scientist.

Invisible Boy: I'm invisible. Can you see me? Rest of Mystery Men: YES.

Mr Furious: Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings just a little bit formulaic? "If you want to push something down, you have to pull it up. If you want to go left, you have to go right." It's... The Sphinx: Your temper is very quick, my friend. But until you learn to master your rage... Mr Furious: ... your rage will become your master? That's what you were going to say. Right? Right? The Sphinx: Not necessarily.

The Shoveller: So what do you say? Do we all gather together, and go kick some Casanova butt? Or do I eat this sandwich?

The Shoveller: You're the master of cutlery. You can't throw a knife somtimes when someone's trying to kill me? The Blue Raja: No, I can't. You can't use a rake sometimes? The Shoveller: No, I'm the Shoveller. The Blue Raja: Well, I'm the Blue Raja. I'm not Stab Man. I'm not Knifey Boy. I'm the Blue Raja.

Mr Furious: Frack you later, Frankenpuss.

Mr Furious: That could work. I'm a loose cannon. I'm unpredictable. I stormed off, why can't I storm back? Monica: Or, you could just say you're sorry. Mr Furious: Do you think there's a really angry way I can say I'm sorry?

Casanova Frankenstein: Stick vith me, Tony, and you vill dance again.

Tony P.: You're baby Bowler! The Bowler: Is there a problem with that? Tony P.: I'm the guy that gave your daddy the shaft.

The Shoveller: Watch it, Spleen, you're going to kill someone with that thing! Dr Heller: Oh, no, no, no. All these weapons are completely non-lethal. The Bowler: Wow. How wonderfully eccentric while at the same time being a complete waste of our time. Good day, sir. I say good day.

Mr Furious: (as the Blue Raja and the Shoveller walk away) Well here I thought I was with a couple of real superheroes, the Shoveller and the Blue Raja! But really, it's Lazy Boy and... and... the recliner! Lazy Boy and the Recliner!

Vic Weems: Let's start with the positives. Tonight was good. Capt Amazing: Really? Because I was afraid it was... *pathetic*!

Waffler: I... am the Waffler. With my griddle of justice, I BASH the enemy in the head, or I burn them like so! I also have some truth syrup, which is low in fat.

Tony P.: Disco is NOT dead!

Casanova Frankenstein: Mmm, oh, this is a fine, elegant Harvey Wallbanger. Capt Amazing: Even when it's sucked by scum like you?

The Shoveller: All right, I'll take point, you two flank. Let's triangulate. The Spleen: Equilateral or isosceles?

The Bowler: The police ruled my father's death a suicide. They said he fell down an elevator shaft. Onto some bullets.

The Shoveller: (after leaving the bar) The Shoveller is hammered!

Mr Furious: I forgot my address book. Have you seen it? It's denim... with a kitten on the front... says "hang tough"...

The Spleen: Why are you guys always dissing me? It hurts my feelings. I'm a superhero too. I have powers. Invisible Boy: Really? Like what? The Spleen: So glad you asked. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Well, it all started when I was just 13 years of age. One day, while walking with some friends, I accidentally cut the cheese. Well, in my adolescent awkwardness, I blamed it on an old gypsy woman who happened to be passing by. BIG MISTAKE! The gypsy woman placed a curse upon my head. Because I smelled it, she decreed I would forevermore BE HE WHO DEALT IT!

The Shoveller: You really *are* a genius! Dr Heller: That's what it says on the card.

Tony P.: You guys never learn, do you? The Blue Raja: Apparently we don't, ass.

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