My Fellow Americans

1996

Joe Hollis: Well, Kaye. What an unexpected and bloodcurdling surprise. Kaye Griffin: You just know how to make a girl get all gooey inside, don't you. What have you heard about the Kramer scandal? Joe Hollis: Not a word. Now if you'll excuse me, my salad's getting cold.

(White House worker notices the gun in Rita's station wagon) Rita: What you looking at? You been down to that farmer's market lately? It's brutal.

Joe Hollis: Wait a minute. Is that President Kramer holding a gun on a naked guy in a blindfold?

Matt Douglas: Well, I don't think you had anything to do with Charlie's death, but I'm pretty sure you're involved in this mess somehow. Russell Kramer: I'm involved? But, what about you? You were the one sittin' in the car next to a dead man. Matt Douglas: Well, now you know. I enjoy spending time with dead men. You don't believe me? Go ahead and die. It'll perk me right up.

Tanner: Hello, sirs. No need for concern. It's only me... the twisted psycho.

Margaret Kramer: Don't do that with the liquor, Russ. It's so... George Bush.

(Russell Kramer's made-up words to "Hail to the Chief.") Russell Kramer: Hail to the chief, he's the chief and he needs hailing. He is the chief, so everybody hail like crazy. Hail to... that's more or less how it...

Matt Douglas: Look, Joanna, if the book goes, if it doesn't go, I don't really care. I'm only writing it 'cause, frankly, I don't know what else to do. Joanna: I'm sure you've got plenty of options. Matt Douglas: Not really. But I'll tell you one thing, I'll never be like Kramer, running around the country sucking up every dime that isn't nailed down. Now Jimmy Carter, there's a class act. He goes around building homes for poor people with his own hands. That's classy. Joanna: Well, you could do that. Matt Douglas: Yeah, yeah. Maybe in a couple of years, but, uh, right now, my attitude is, they didn't vote for me, let 'em freeze.

Russell Kramer: Did you ever have one of her pizzas? Matt Douglas: Oh. Russell Kramer: It was like a wet dream with a crust. Matt Douglas: A wet dream? Russell Kramer: Huh? Matt Douglas: I don't think I need to hear Russell P. Kramer saying the words "wet dream." I'll wake up screaming every night 'til I die.

Russell Kramer: There was only one assassination attempt on me. You had three. Matt Douglas: Two. The woman in Phoenix doesn't count. She only had a starter pistol.

Russell Kramer: I was Time Magazine's Man of the Year. Matt Douglas: So was Hitler. Russell Kramer: Not twice.

Man in bathroom: It's an honor, sir. Matt Douglas: I can't shake right now. Have to keep my hands on the First Penis.

Russell Kramer: It's a kick in the balls. Sorry, sweetheart. Margaret Kramer: Please, I'm a politician's wife. I have a set of my own.

Russell Kramer: Oh, yeah, I'm about to share my coffee with the Washington Love Machine. No dice. You could spit in a Petri dish and start a whole new civilization.

Russell Kramer: When this is over, promise me we'll come back and look for my balls.

Matt Douglas: Decaf. You pussy.

(Matt Douglas' made-up words to "Hail to the Chief") Matt Douglas: Hail to the chief, if you don't, I'll have to kill you. I am the chief, so you better watch your step, you bastards.

Matt Douglas: Let's stop talking. We're about to bond. It'll make me vomit.

Russell Kramer: Well, as usual, the Republican comes up with a plan while the Democrat just aimlessly wanders in the woods.

Genny: Wel... , uh, I'm sorry about that, sir. We're Republican. Matt Douglas: Well, at least you can admit it. That's the first step towards recovery.

Matt Douglas: You're a whore. Admit it. Admit you're a big whore. Go ahead. Russell Kramer: Name three women from the District of Columbia that you didn't bang when you were in office - what am I talking about? Name one. Matt Douglas: Screw you. Russell Kramer: Blow me. (Rifles fire)

Margaret Kramer: Don't say "freaking", Russ. If you have to use the "F" word, go for the gold.

Russell Kramer: Kaye. What a... lovely surprise. And how is my favorite television newsperson? Kaye Griffin: Oh, I'm your favorite? I thought Diane Sawyer was your favorite. Russell Kramer: She is. How is she?

Matt Douglas: I hate these funerals. It's just awful when another good Democrat passes on. Aide: I believe the deceased was a Republican, sir. Matt Douglas: Oh, well, then it might not be so bad.

Russell Kramer: When you were in the White House, who was the person you were most excited to meet? Matt Douglas: Nelson Mandella. Russell Kramer: I'm not a reporter. Matt Douglas: Ella Fitzgerald. Russell Kramer: Ah. Matt Douglas: Mandella was a great man, but he couldn't sing worth a shit.

Matt Douglas: That went a little too easy. You guys are getting soft. Greg: Mr President, once again, we really wish you wouldn't do that. You put yourself at great risk, sir. Matt Douglas: Oh, yeah, right. Let me ask you something. In all the years ex-presidents have had Secret Service protection, has there ever been even one assassination attempt on any of 'em? Chet: Uh, no, sir. Matt Douglas: I find that sad. The minute you're out of office they don't care enough about you to kill you anymore. People are FICKLE.

Greg: Sir, uh, before we go in, Chet and I would really like to know how you got out of that bathroom stall without us seeing. Matt Douglas: Why don't you guys just relax? Take a night off. Go rent "In The Line of Fire" again.

Matt Douglas: A cookbook. He wrote a cookbook. How dare he? Joanna: Well, you know, when he was President, he did cook for his guests all the time. Matt Douglas: That's not the point. Did George Washington write a book called "Your Wooden Teeth and You?" Did William Howard Taft write "Thirty Days To A Slimmer Ass?" It's shameful, just shameful.

Russell Kramer: (about his "Constellation" watch) Oh, this really steams my clams. There are only two watches like that in the entire world. Reagan has one, and now Shamu, the killer hick, has the other.

Matt Douglas: We're never getting to Ohio, not the way this guy drives. Every 500 feet, they stop to take another damn picture. The Donner Party moved faster.

Russell Kramer: Oh, geez... he's squeezin' my breast again. Matt Douglas: Well, this time, pretend not to enjoy it.

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