Muppet Treasure Island

1996

Billy Bones: Beware lad, beware. Jim Hawkins: What, the one-legged man? Billy Bones: Aye, but also, beware running with scissors or any other pointy object. It's all good fun, until someone loses an eye.

Rizzo: What's wrong? Gonzo: It just feels so weird. Rizzo: You mean that Mr Arrow's dead? Gonzo: Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish. Rizzo: You and your hobbies.

Statler: "Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship. (Statler's quotes should be linked to Jerry Nelson, not Frank Oz) Waldorf: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience.

First Pirate: Dead Tom is dead. Long John shot him. Second Pirate: But Dead Tom's always been dead. That's why he's called Dead Tom.

Zoot: I'm confused. Are we with the pirates or with the frog captain? Floyd: Just play the gig, man. Never get involved in politics. Animal: Politics! Politics!

Rizzo: Captured by crazed wild boars and about to be sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar. Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?

Gonzo: One leg, Jim, count'em, one.

Benjamina Gunn: You left me standing at the altar. Captain Abraham Smollett: I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet. Benjamina Gunn: You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet.

Benjamina Gunn: All right. No more Ms Nice Guy.

Rizzo: It's some kind of a blind fiend. Gonzo: I believe they prefer visually challenged fiend.

Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie.

Rizzo: I've gone way beyond afraid. Right now I'm somewhere between bedwetting and a near death experience.

Gonzo: I'm getting taller. This is cool; I may have a future in the NBA

Captain Abraham Smollett: Who hired this crew? This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I have ever seen, so who hired them? (Everyone points at Young Squire Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger) Your finger hired the crew? Squire Trelawney: No, that's silly. The man who *lives* in my finger hired the crew.

Benjamina Gunn: You can't hurt my frog.

Billy Bones: How does she bloody do that?

Mr Samuel Erroll: That will be 40 lashes and then you walk the plank. Captain Abraham Smollett: I didn't say that, Mr Erroll. Mr Samuel Erroll: I was anticipating your whim, sir.

Gonzo: I thought pirates had talking parrots as pets. Long John Silver: Talking... parrots? Polly Lobster: What an imagination. First pirates, now talking parrots, what's next - a singing, dancing mouse with his own amusement park?

Rizzo: If you're going to be the cook on this ship, Mr Silver, I am definitely going to need bigger pants.

Polly Lobster: I could have been a lawyer, but I just had too much heart.

Clueless Morgan: I have a lovely recipe for blackened rat.

Jim Hawkins: That's the raging volcano? He's just a frog. Rizzo: Maybe he gets hopping mad.

Jim Hawkins: I hate my life. Gonzo: I hate your life, too. Rizzo: If I had a life, I'd hate it.

Long John Silver: Aw, hell, Jim. I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me. Jim Hawkins: I learned it from my friends, Mr Silver. Now, take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again. Ever.

Jim Hawkins: Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me. Gonzo: Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me. Squire Trelawney: Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me. Rizzo: Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously. Benjamina Gunn: Going somewhere, John-John? Long John Silver: Well, Master Hawkins, it seems that your little family has come together against me.

Spa'am: Hmm... we see you have boom-boom sticks... bye bye.

Long John Silver: Upstage, lads. This is my only number.

Polly Lobster: Give it to him. Clueless Morgan: (Confused) But, um, it's not even his Birthday...

Rizzo: The ocean. You know, the big blue wet thing.

Mr Samuel Erroll: Big Fat Ugly Bug-Faced Baby-Eating O'Brian. Woman: (deep voice) Aye. (officers stand aghast for a moment) Mr Samuel Erroll: Angel Marie. Angel Marie: (an ugly creature) Aye.

Statler: Waldorf, you old fool! We're heroes! We saved the pig and the frog. Waldorf: Well, it was too late to save the movie.

Gonzo: Off to Zanzibar, to meet the Zanzibarbarians!

Squire Trelawney: Gentlemen, this is a genuine bona-fide treasure map. Jim Hawkins: Really? Squire Trelawney: Oh, yes. Mr Bimbo told me so. (pause) Oh, Mr Bimbo is the man who lives inside my finger. He is very smart. He's been to the moon. (puts finger to his ear) Oh... twice. Rizzo: I smell a bozo.

Mr Samuel Erroll: Boogie, boogie, boogie. I am the ghost of Samuel Arrow. Boogie!

Benjamina Gunn: Smollett. Can it be you? Captain Abraham Smollett: Benjamina. Benjamina Gunn: Hi-yah! (Karate chops Smollett, sends him flying into the gong) Captain Abraham Smollett: (to the gong ringer) Old girlfriend.

Rizzo: (greeting rat tourists into the ship) Be sure to have your checks made out to Rat Cruises Limited. Remember: we put the "rat" in "pirate".

Billy Bones: (after opening sequence) Now isn't that a story worth a hearin'? Pig Bar Patron: It was the first dozen time we heard it. Sailor Mug: I'll drink to that.

Captain Abraham Smollett: Bejamiana, I'm sorry. Benjamina Gunn: SORRY? No, pal, sorry doesn't cut it. You left me standing on the ALTAR! My mother had come all the way from France! I was wearing her white heirloom wedding dress! THE CAKE WAS FILLED WITH LEMON CUSTARD!

Mr Samuel Erroll: Anyone caught dawdling will be shot on sight. Captain Abraham Smollett: I didn't say that, Mr Erroll. Mr Samuel Erroll: I was just paraphrasing, sir.

Long John Silver: Well, Benjamina, this seems to be your day for renewing old... acquaintances. Benjamina Gunn: Oh! Well... hello, Long John. Captain Abraham Smollett: Oh, no! Him too? Benjamina Gunn: Well, maybe if you'd married me... !

Polly Lobster: Maybe Clueless Morgan is right. Maybe this is a cursed place. Long John Silver: I'll show you cursed, you yellow-bellied, toffee-hearted, lily-livered, little wuss of a crustacean!

Billy Bones: (in response to Gonzo's smart remark) It ain't no jokin' matter, hose nose!

Jim Hawkins: Welcome aboard, Captain Smollet. Mr Samuel Erroll: And welcome to your lady pig friend.

(Trelawney tosses brandy out the window; screams; two annoyed rats appear at the window) Rat with Pipe: You wanna knock it off with the booze? It's peeling the paint off of the shuffleboard court.

Mrs Bluberidge: (to the cow) You aren't drunk again, are you? Cow: (drunkenly) Moo.

Long John Silver: Flint hung them there after he'd gullied them to mark the way to the treasure.

Jim Hawkins: Here you go your bread and water for the day Pirate: But I wanted a shrimp scampi! Long John Silver: It's more than y'deserve y'villainous dolts!

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