Mrs Doubtfire
1993
Mrs Doubtfire: My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flashes.
Daniel: Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air? Tony: Not exactly. Daniel: What do I do? Tony: Well you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you take those cans over there, ship them, then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions? Daniel: After you box them... ? Tony: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass. Daniel: I think I made a friend.
Mrs Doubtfire: (after being introduced to Natalie) I admire that honesty, Natalie, that's a noble quality. Never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.
Mrs Doubtfire: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself? Miranda: Yes, I did. Mrs Doubtfire: Oh, it reeks of taste!
(at the pool) Stu: Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay? Mrs Doubtfire: Oh, thank you dear. (Stu leaves) Mrs Doubtfire: Touch me again, and I'll drown you, you bastard.
(at the pool) Mrs Doubtfire: Not a single body that exists in nature, look at that Lydie: (looks askance at Mrs Doubtfire) Mrs Doubtfire: (in a threatening tone) Lydie.
Miranda: (describes the benefits of having Mrs Doubtfire) We're all doing so great. Daniel: Sounds like an amazing woman; too good to be true.
Daniel: (Discussing the boring children's show) What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air of twenty-five years? Jonathan Lundy: Me. (introductions, ending with:) Daniel: I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.
Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script. Why did you add it? Daniel: I thought I should comment on the situation. Lou: What situation? Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible. Lou: This is a cartoon. Not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special. Daniel: Lou, millions of children see this cartoon, it's like sending each of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "light up."
Natalie: We're his goddamn kids too. (Miranda gives Daniel a look) Daniel: Heh heh, kids say the darnedest things. Miranda: Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five year old?
(at the taping of a children's show) Daniel: They should have a disclaimer that says "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show". Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger.
Daniel: Can I see the ad? Come on, Miranda, let me see the ad, I have a right as their father. Miranda: Anything else I can show you? Daniel: Are you offering? Miranda: Not any more. Daniel: What's the change?
(Frank is making Daniel's woman costume) Daniel: Not working. Need to grow older. Frank: Older? You mean like Shelley Winters older or Shirley MacLaine older? Daniel: What's the difference? Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.
Cop: Ma'am, are you aware that it's against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area? Miranda: What if you're married to one?
Miranda: I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts; you bring home the Goddamn San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after it.
Natalie: We're in the middle of Charlotte's Web. Who's gonna finish it? Daniel: Grandma can finish it for you. Natalie: But she's not as good. She doesn't do the voices, and she smells funny. Daniel: That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.
Miranda: Mrs Doubtfire. Mrs Doubtfire: What? Miranda: You're going into the men's room. Mrs Doubtfire: Huh? Oh, so I am. I do need new glasses.
Daniel: How about we take a vacation, take the kids, get you away from work, you'll see that you're a different person. You are. You're great. Miranda: But our problems would be waiting for us when we got back. Daniel: Well we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us. Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke. We're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common. Daniel: Sure we do. We love each other... We love each other... Don't we? Miranda: I want a divorce.
Mrs Doubtfire: Can you help me with something, I found this outside. (holds up Mercedes hood ornament) Stu: Yes, this is off my Mercedes. Mrs Doubtfire: Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that big expensive car out there? Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals.
Mrs Doubtfire: The only thing you'll be watching is deep CNN.
(a fancy swimming pool) Mrs Doubtfire: Isn't this posh? I'll bet it's very exclusive, probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.
Daniel: I got off early. Lydie: You mean you got fired? Daniel: No, I quit. For reasons of conscience. Lydie: Actors. Daniel: (to his son) Hey dude! Congratulations on your twelfth birthday, all right! Got a surprise for you! Chris: Ooh, a stripper? Daniel: No, please! Chris: *Two* strippers? Daniel: Haw, boy!
Daniel: Could you make me a woman? Frank: Honey, I'm so happy.
Daniel: (Asking about making his woman costume look older) How about Joan Collins? Frank: I don't think I have the strength. But I do have some plaster.
(Trying to get false teeth out of glass) Mrs Doubtfire: Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth.
Daniel: Ever wish you could freeze frame a moment in your day, and look at it and say "this is not my life"?
Mrs Doubtfire: You see that Nattie, that's called liposuction.
Mrs Doubtfire: (hits Stu with a lime, then accuses "Some angry member of the kitchen staff") It was a run-by fruiting.
Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving. Daniel: Well, it's a voice-over. An interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better. (as God) No, Pudgy, don't smoke! Lou: Actors. Daniel: What? Well let's ask the technicians. Do you think its morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America? (the three technicians are smoking. One man shrugs) They're biased. That's a mistrial. Lou: Daniel listen to me, this session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script. If you wanna play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time. Daniel: (Imitating Gandhi) Then I've got to do what I've got to do. Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you going? Hey listen buddy, I'll tell you something, if you leave, you're not getting back in. I'm not taking any crap from you, pal. Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig, "Pi pi pi pi pi piss off, Lou."
(the kids finding out their father is Mrs Doubtfire) Lydie: Who did this? Daniel: Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.
Frank: (on the phone with his mother and gets sidetracked by a man mask Jack is making) Enough already, it's a man. Jack: How would you know? Frank: Bitch. Evelyn Hillard: This is your mother you're talking to. Frank: (interrupting) No Ma, not you, I was talking about the dog.
Miranda: The whole time? I mean the whole time? I have to go. I have to go.
Daniel: Hello, my name is Ilsa Immelmann. And I want to know, how many children do you have? Miranda: I have two girls and a boy. Daniel: Ah, a boy. I don't work with the males, because I used to be one. (Miranda hangs up the phone) Miranda: Yikes.
Daniel: I feel like Gloria Swanson. Frank: You look like her mother. Daniel: I'm ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille.
Frank: (Daniel's Mrs Doubtfire mask has been run over by a truck) Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman. (Daniel leaves) Why wasn't I an only child?
(referring to her deceased husband) Mrs Doubtfire: Poor Winston's idea of foreplay was, "Brace yourself, Effie."
Mrs Doubtfire: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the cunning linguisitics? Stu: Mrs Doubtfire, please. Mrs Doubtfire: Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.
(Mrs Doubtfire is trying to discourage Miranda's new suiter) Mrs Doubtfire: I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs dear and I don't mean Dungeness.
Daniel: (to the toy dinosaurs) Take five. Take five million. You're dead.
(a mugger is trying to steal Mrs Doubtfire's purse) Mrs Doubtfire: (masculine voice) Back off asshole! Beat it! (back to feminine voice) Broke my bag, the bastard!
Miranda: Hello? Daniel: I am job. Miranda: I beg you a pardon? Daniel: I... am... job. Miranda: Do you speak English? Daniel: I am job! Miranda: Sorry, the position has been filled. (Hangs up)
(Daniel is talking to Miranda on the phone about the job) Daniel: Ahhhhhhhh! Leila, get back to your cage; don't make me get the hose! (gets back on the phone) Hello? (Miranda hangs up)
Mrs Doubtfire: I can hip-hop, be-bop, dance till ya drop, and yo yo yo, make a mean cup of coco.
Daniel: (as fake ad respondent) So, are your kids well behaved or do they need like a couple of light slams every now and then?
Chris: You don't really like wearing that stuff, do you Dad?
Mrs Doubtfire: (discussing her deceased husband) Winston was very fond of the drink... (pause, choked up) 'twas the drink that killed him. Miranda: Oh, how terrible, he was an alcoholic? Mrs Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck.
Lydie: This is exploitation. It's not fair! Natalie: Shut up, Lydie.