Monk
2002
Adrian Monk: What's the opposite of Batman? Sharona Fleming: You are.
Sharona Fleming: Are you all right? Adrian Monk: I just want to be alone. Sharona Fleming: Okay, I'll come with you.
Sharona Fleming: You're going straight to hell. Adrian Monk: I am in hell.
Sharona Fleming: Don't you ever wonder why you don't get invited anywhere? Adrian Monk: No, not really... .
Sharona Fleming: Do you know who asked me out? I'll give you a hint. He's a doctor. Adrian Monk: Kevorkian? Sharona Fleming: Very funny.
Benjy Fleming: (about Monk) Can I take him to school? Like, for show-and-tell?
Biederbeck: The Internet, Monk. It's the fat man's best friend.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? And if it's none of my business, I'll shut up. Adrian Monk: I doubt it.
Sharona Fleming: (Monk and Sharona are at a carnival) Are you having fun? Adrian Monk: I think so. My head's stopped throbbing. Too many clowns.
Sharona Fleming: Are you sure you're not getting your hopes up? Adrian Monk: That's what hopes are for.
Sharona Fleming: So you remember how many jelly beans you saw? Adrian Monk: It's a blessing, and a curse.
(repeated line) Adrian Monk: It's a gift... and a curse.
Manny: There've been over four hundred documented sightings of Santa Claus. Scientifically documented. And it's on the Internet, so you know it's true.
Sharona Fleming: You folded like a cheap suit. Adrian Monk: A cheap tent. For the record, I folded like a cheap tent.
Sharona Fleming: Where's your wallet? Adrian Monk: I'm having it... umm, buffed.
Adrian Monk: (to his psychiatrist) I hate owing you money. I just hate it. Listen. Until we get squared away, I'm going to have to start seeing you twice a week.
Adrian Monk: I tried doing that once, making every minute count. It gave me a headache. Sharona Fleming: What doesn't?
Sharona Fleming: Ow. Why do I always have to be the victim? Adrian Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in the dirt. And... I'm me.
Ticket Clerk: I can assure you, Mr Monk, this particular aircraft has a perfect safety record. Adrian Monk: Could I see it?
Capt Stottlemeyer: Shoot him. Disher: I can't shoot him. Capt Stottlemeyer: Then shoot me.
Warren Beach: Everyone takes extension cords for granted. But, just try and imagine how the world would be without them. Adrian Monk: Well, I guess all the furniture would be a lot closer to the walls. Warren Beach: Exactly. If it doesn't reach, call Warren Beach.
Adrian Monk: (hanging up his cell phone after talking to Capt Leland Stottlemeyer) That was Sharona. Her son got the lead in the school play. Monica: Oh, really? What play? Adrian Monk: Ghandi. Monica: Ghandi, is that a play? Adrian Monk: I think they added a few songs. Do you want to come? Monica: Oh, I think I'll be having a headache that night.
Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, everything doesn't always have to add up. Adrian Monk: It kinda does.
Adrian Monk: How tall are you? Capt Stottlemeyer: Six foot. Adrian Monk: Really. Capt Stottlemeyer: Five-eleven.
Miranda: I'm told you're germophobic, afraid of the dark, heights, crowds and milk. Sharona Fleming: We're working on milk.
Adrian Monk: If I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not...
(Monk is dehydrated) Adrian Monk: He was the thirsty victim... Sharona Fleming: Adrian. Adrian Monk: I mean he was the perfect victim...
Detective from Mexico: You are really brave, Mr Monk, you're not even sweating. Adrian Monk: I'm dehydrated, I can't sweat. I want to sweat, I'm trying to sweat.
Adrian Monk: That officer out there told me I was dead. I'm not dead, am I?
Speed-dater woman: I like your eyes. Adrian Monk: They came with the face.
Sharona Fleming: How was the dating? Adrian Monk: It was hell. Thank God I'm not single. Sharona Fleming: But you are single. Adrian Monk: Oh yeah.
Adrian Monk: Speed dating? No, no, that's like Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell.
Benjy Fleming: Are you going to do any more acting, Mr Monk? Adrian Monk: Anything is possible. Except that.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. It's Tim Daly. Adrian Monk: Who's Tim Daly? Sharona Fleming: He's an actor - he was in "Wings." Adrian Monk: Was it any good? Sharona Fleming: Well, *he* was.
Noelle Winters: Is your wife here? Adrian Monk: I'm not married. Noelle Winters: You're wearing a ring. Adrian Monk: She passed away. I can't bring myself to take it off yet. Noelle Winters: Oh, I'm sorry. When did she die? Adrian Monk: Six years ago.
Capt Stottlemeyer: (due to a loose snake, Monk is standing on the kitchen table of a house he and Captain Leland Stottlemeyer are investigating) Capt Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights. Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators.
Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk can't help you because well... he's... he's Monk and he's lost in Monkland.
Sharona Fleming: Oh my god, Adrian do you know what Kenny Just did? He took care of all my Parking tickets. Adrian Monk: He's like Superman.
(Discussing their estranged father) Ambrose Monk: Why aren't you out there looking for him? Adrian Monk: Because I'm afraid I might find him.
(Lt Disher enters Capt Stottlemeyer's office) Capt Stottlemeyer: This better be important. Disher: It is. Your wife's here. Capt Stottlemeyer: Stall her. (Capt Stottlemeyer set up a desk waterfall and hurriedly fills it with coffee as Karen Stottlemeyer enters) Karen: You like the waterfall? Capt Stottlemeyer: Yes. Karen: Is that coffee? Capt Stottlemeyer: It's a "Coffeefall".
Director's Assistant: (astounded) You memorized the play in one viewing? Adrian Monk: I'm really sorry.
Mrs Fleming: (at dinner with Sharona and Benjy) Of the two of my daughters, I expected it was you who would end up in jail. Sharona Fleming: Mom. Mrs Fleming: Yeah, remember when you S-T-O-L-E the car? Sharona Fleming: Mom, he's eleven, he can spell.
Adrian Monk: (police officers are investigating his home) If something spills, I want to be here. Sharona Fleming: Adrian, trust me... if something spills, you do not want to be here. Adrian Monk: That's a good point...
Heavyset Cop: Where's your bathroom? Adrian Monk: (closes bathroom door) I don't have one
Sharona Fleming: Gail kills a guy in the next scene. Adrian Monk: I hope it's the guy who designed these seats.
(repeated line) Adrian Monk: You'll thank me later.
Disher: You know, he just killed 12 people. Mrs Ling: Yes, well... He still good customer. Not like that crazy man Mr Monk.
(Nestor and Jose Alvarez are delivering newspapers. Nestor is killed) Jose Alvarez: Nestor! Why? For a newspaper?
Adrian Monk: (after accidentally wiping his hands with a cloth covered in oil) Sharona, I really need a wipe. Hurry! Oh, the humanity!
Adrian Monk: Wipe.
(Manny is climbing on the roof) Adrian Monk: Be careful! There's a lot of gravity out there!
Adrian Monk: I'm Adrian... Monk. You can call me Adrian... Monk.
Capt Stottlemeyer: Did Adrian Monk just jump into a garbage truck? Sharona Fleming: Yeah. Woman: He *is* demented.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, suck it up. Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up. I think it's your turn to suck it up. Benjy Fleming: Why don't you both suck it up? Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Benjy Fleming: No. Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here.
(Adrian uses a moist towelette to clean home plate) Boy: (slipping) Whoa! Adrian Monk: Do-over.
(Monk is watching Capt Stottlemyer's kids) Max Stottlemeyer: Say something crazy. Jared Stottlemeyer: He's not crazy, Max. He's just... troubled.
Adrian Monk: That doesn't make a lot of sense. Hardly any, in fact.
(Sharona and Monk are posing as a married couple) Sharona Fleming: Adrian, this is a picnic. You have to sit on the ground. Adrian Monk: I can't. Animals do things on the ground. Terrible, terrible things.
Dr Charles Kroger: Adrian, we can sit here singing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life. Adrian Monk: (singing) If ever I would leave you...
(Monk is investigating a prison) Adrian Monk: I'm out of here. This place is like a prison. Sharona Fleming: It IS a prison.
Dale the Whale: I wouldn't bend down to pick up $1200. Even if I could.
(Monk is in the hospital room of one of the men involved in his wife's death) Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband? Adrian Monk: I AM the husband. Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me. Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me turning off your morphine. (He does) Adrian Monk: And this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on. (he does)
Dale the Whale: The bomb that took Trudy from you was not intended to kill you. It was meant for her. Adrian Monk: It was her they were after? Why? Dale the Whale: Oh, I can't help you there. You ever been to New York? Adrian Monk: No. Dale the Whale: Pack your bags. That's where you'll find the man you're looking for. His name is Warrick Tennyson. Adrian Monk: Is he the one that killed her? Dale the Whale: He was... involved. That's all I have. (scoffs) There's my good deed for the decade.
Benjy Fleming: They gave him a wedgie. Adrian Monk: What's a wedgie? Benjy Fleming: It's when they pull your underwear up all the way out of your pants. Adrian Monk: Oh, they called it something different when I was your age. Benjy Fleming: What did they call it? Adrian Monk: An 'Adrian'.
Dr Charles Kroger: (Dr Kroger is making a house call because a chimp is loose in Monk's apartment) I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel? Adrian Monk: ... I'm fine... Dr Charles Kroger: Yes, these are all material objects. You can replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or pees on. Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on... chews or pees on...
Sharona Fleming: That guy took a whizz in the subway... THAT guy just killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest? Adrian Monk: (pauses then mumbles) The murderer.
(Jenna Ryan, an actress, is found to be involved in a murder) Jenna Ryan: I didn't have anything to do with it. Sharona Fleming: Shut up! Show's over.
Capt Stottlemeyer: We'd like permission to search your pie. Please don't make me say that again.
Capt Stottlemeyer: (to the commisioner) So, you're going to let a murderer off, because you're afraid to admit YOU'RE BALD?
Adrian Monk: (about being a cop) I couldn't change the world, I knew that. But I could fix little pieces of it.
Adrian Monk: (Monk is talking about Sharona, after she thinks that she is having hallucinations) She's not crazy!
(Monk touched a strange substance on a prison table and no one is there to give him a hand wipe) Adrian Monk: Ugh! It's goo... jail goo!... I have jail goo on my hand!
(Monk is attempting to stop a robbery by pointing a gun at Lester) Lester Highsmith: Is that a water pistol? Adrian Monk: No! (barrel is dripping) Adrian Monk: Maybe... it's scalding! Scalding hot water!
Adrian Monk: A stop sign is not a suggestion! Sharona Fleming: Yes it is!
Sharona Fleming: (to Benji) ... and you tell her to call Adrian. He'll know what to do... after I tell him.
Prison Mate: You're gonna wish you were never born. Adrian Monk: Oh I'm way aheada ya.
Disher: You know, some people think I'm dangerous. Sharona Fleming: Yeah, people driving behind you.
Adrian Monk: I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen. Sharona Fleming: You needed a babysitter when you were nineteen? Adrian Monk: Everyone did. It was the late Seventies. It was a crazy time.
Adrian Monk: Tell me about the Lobster Barrel. Joe Christie: It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp... Adrian Monk: Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel. Joe Christie: ... barbecued shrimp... Adrian Monk: Stop.
Sharona Fleming: You have a brother? What does he do? Adrian Monk: He writes instruction manuals for blenders... and toaster ovens.
Adrian Monk: You recently started dating again. Natalie: How did you know that? Adrian Monk: (holds them up) Birth control pills. (Natalie's young daughter is staring at them) Natalie: (horrified) What's wrong with you? Adrian Monk: My mistake. These are Tic-Tacs.
Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona. Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone. Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something. Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed. Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic. Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a comtemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.
Natalie Teeger: (walking through a Museum exhibit on "The Miracle of Birth") Come on, Adrian, it's just like a fun house. Adrian Monk: What's so fun about fallopian tubes?
Adrian Monk: I don't even know this woman.
Housekeeper: What would my hours be? Adrian Monk: 9 am. Housekeeper: Until? Adrian Monk: Until one. Housekeeper: Until 1 pm? Adrian Monk: Until one of us dies.
Adrian Monk: (as "The Monk") How you doing, Toy Store? Disher: What did you call me? Adrian Monk: "Toy Store." Your name's Disher. Dish, plate, Plato, Play-Doh. Where do you buy Play-Doh? Disher: Toy store.
Disher: Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She'll probably break up with me!
Adrian Monk: She's been buying ice all day. That makes sixteen bags she's carried in so far. Natalie: Maybe she's having a party. Adrian Monk: No food, no beer, no chips. Just ice. Capt Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm one-hundred percent sure that she probably killed him. Capt Stottlemeyer: What does that mean? (pause) Adrian Monk: Ninety-five percent.
Sharona Fleming: Do you even know how to drive? Adrian Monk: Yes, I know how to drive. Sharona Fleming: I've never seen you. Adrian Monk: Well, there's about 15 things that I can do that you've never seen me do. Sharona Fleming: Like what? Adrian Monk: Drive. I can drive.
Sharona Fleming: No, no! Adrian, I'm driving. When hell freezes over, you can drive again. No, you know what? Even if hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice. Get in the car!
Adrian Monk: There's an old saying: "Don't change anything... ever." Natalie Teeger: That's an old saying? Adrian Monk: I've been saying it for years.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? Natalie: Pokin' around. Adrian Monk: You can't *do* that! Natalie: I can do anything I want. I'm cute.
(In a squad car, chasing a suspect) Adrian Monk: Is your seatbelt on? Sgt. Parnell: Yes, it is. Adrian Monk: Nice and tight? Blinkers! Blinkers! Sgt. Parnell: Do you understand this is a car chase? Adrian Monk: Left lane ends, two miles! Left lane ends, two miles!
Adrian Monk: I mean, he could do alot worse than me for a father. What if he were adopted by... wolves?
Adrian Monk: (after accidentally touching the ground) Nature! I've got Nature on my hand! Get it off!
(Monk is babysitting a two-year old) Teresa Crane: Now before I go, do you have any questions for me? Adrian Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat? Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only in smaller portions. Adrian Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.
Sharona Fleming: You okay? Adrian Monk: Not really in my comfort zone here. Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone? Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone. Sharona Fleming: I've never seen a comfort zone. Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh, it's kinda (gestures with hands) ... small. I, I don't have a comfort zone.
(Monk is babysitting a two-year-old) Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God, what is this? Why is he wearing a helmet? Adrian Monk: To protect his head. Natalie Teeger: It must be so uncomfortable. Adrian Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one when I was his age. Natalie Teeger: Your parents made you wear a helmet? Adrian Monk: No.
911 Operator: Sir, what is the nature of your emergency? Adrian Monk: It's everywhere! B.M. It's B.M., B.M., B.M.! It's B.M.! 911 Operator: Sir, you have to stop saying "B.M." now. Do you mean your child is soiling his diaper? Adrian Monk: Yes! Yes, he's soiling his... his diaper. 911 Operator: You mean you've never changed a diaper before? Adrian Monk: Hurry!
Adrian Monk: You've gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything - UFOs, elves, income tax rebates.
Capt Stottlemeyer: (holding the police sketch of the suspect) You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot? Young Cashier: I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces. Capt Stottlemeyer: Sure. Lt Randall Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland. Capt Stottlemeyer: (pausing) Yeah, I guess it does. Lt Randall Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it? Young Cashier: No, sir. Capt Stottlemeyer: Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right? Young Cashier: Mm-hmm. Capt Stottlemeyer: Eight items at 89 cents. Young Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars. Capt Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars? Lt Randall Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr Sutherland. Capt Stottlemeyer: (sarcastically) That's a really good idea. Lt Randall Disher: You think so? Capt Stottlemeyer: No.
Capt Stottlemeyer: (as he's restraining Wright) I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw. Darryl Wright: I don't have a broken jaw. (Stottmeyer spins him around then punches him in the jaw)
Adrian Monk: Hope is the worst.
Sharona Fleming: No. No. Forget it. No more vacations. The next time you try to make me take a vacation, I *swear* I'm quitting. (pause) I can't believe I just said that. Adrian Monk: You seem upset. Sharona Fleming: I am upset! Adrian Monk: You know what you need? Sharona Fleming: No. Shut up. Adrian Monk: Vacation! Sharona Fleming: Shut up!
Adrian Monk: Don't rush the Monk.
(a new detective is solving a case more efficiently than Adrian) Adrian Monk: He's cheating! Capt Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
(repeated lines) Adrian Monk: I don't know how he did it. But he did it.
Capt Stottlemeyer: (Monk is sick in bed with the flu; Stottlemeyer points to a large device on the nightstand) What is this thing? Adrian Monk: It's a humidifier. Capt Stottlemeyer: (pointing to another device) What's that one? Adrian Monk: It's a dehumidifier. (long pause) Capt Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out? Adrian Monk: Exactly.
Adrian Monk: (Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album) She was... wow. Capt Stottlemeyer: Beautiful. Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much? Capt Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
Capt Stottlemeyer: He's a vegetable!
Capt Stottlemeyer: (singing) Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, she's always gone too long... Adrian Monk: Don't ask. Capt Stottlemeyer: (singing) .anytime she goes away. Wonder this time where she's gone, wonder is she's gone to stay. Woman: Do the dance, you did a little dance. Capt Stottlemeyer: (singing) Ain't no sunshine, when she's gone. So, gone to long, anytime she goes away. Woman: Turn around I wanna see your tush. Capt Stottlemeyer: (singing) I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Woman: Those are different pants, where're the jeans? Capt Stottlemeyer: (talking) Look, lady, a deal is a deal. I sang the song, now tell me what I said last night. Woman: All you said was, "They don't match". Capt Stottlemeyer: They don't match, what doesn't match? Woman: I don't know, you didn't say. Capt Stottlemeyer: Wait, wait, wait. Is that it? Is that all you got? Woman: Leland, sing it again. I just love the way you sing. Capt Stottlemeyer: (sighs) Thank you. Adrian Monk: (Capt Stottlemeyer goes over to Monk and Natalie) You were good. Capt Stottlemeyer: Shut up.