Men in Black II

2002

Agent J: Let's put it on. Kevin Brown/K: What? Agent J: The last suit you'll ever wear... again.

Agent J: Mr Brown? I know you don't remember me, but we used to work together some years back. Kevin Brown/K: You must be mistaken. I've never worked in a funeral home.

(about the driver airbag) Kevin Brown/K: Does that come standard? Agent J: Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.

Agent J: Look, I know you're a little scared. And I'm gonna keep it real with you, I'm a little scared too. Kevin Brown/K: I'm not scared. Agent J: Me neither. I just thought we was bonding.

Agent J: What are you doing? Kevin Brown/K: I always do the driving. Agent J: Oh, no. Kevin Brown/K: I remember that. Agent J: No, you drive that old busted joint. I drive... the new hotness. (pointing at K) Agent J: Old and busted. (pointing at himself) Agent J: New hotness.

Kevin Brown/K: Why don't you go get me some coffee? Agent J: Okay, you usually take it black? 'Couple cubes of kiss-my-ass?

Frank the Pug: (Frank sings "I Will Survive") And now you're back from outer space, / I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, / I should've changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, / If I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. Agent J: Frank! Move your head inside this window, before I roll it up in there. Frank the Pug: (starts humming "I Will Survive" melody again, looking anxiously out the window) Agent J: (shouts) Frank!

Agent J: Could I have your attention for a moment, please? (neuralyzes the crowd) Agent J: Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all would have been *eaten*. 'Cause you don't listen! You're ignorant! That's the problem with y'all New Yorkers, you're hardheaded. "Oh, we've seen it all." I come in, I ask you nicely... how's a man gonna come busting through the back of a subway - then the worm comes in, and it's, "Oh, another 600 foot worm. Save us, Mr Black Man!" You all... (neuralyzes the crowd again) Agent J: The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step, y'all have a nice evening.

Agent J: Kid? While you were off licking stamps I saved the world from a Crelon invasion. Kevin Brown/K: The Crelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?

(handing Kay the Noisy Cricket) Agent J: This is your favorite gun.

Worms: Once you've had worm, it's what you'll yearn!

Serleena: Silly little planet. Anyone could take over the place with the right set of mammary glands.

Mugger: Hey, pretty lady. (licks her) Mugger: You taste good. Serleena: (eats him whole) Yeah, you too.

Jeebs: Smoke 'em if you got them.

Agent J: Worms! Give me some cover fire! Worm: Too scared, can't move!

Zed: You didn't neauralize another one? Agent J: What's that supposed to mean? Okay, you can't count A, and L really wanted to go back to that morgue.

Frank the Pug: D'ya tell the girl you love her? Agent J: Look, man, she's a witness in a murder case, that's it. Frank the Pug: Yada, yada, you're attracted. She's not even my species, and I'm attracted.

(after K shoots Jeebs in the head) Agent J: You're back. Kevin Brown/K: No. Agent J: Then how did you know that his head would grow back? Kevin Brown/K: It grows back?

Undercover alien intelligence officer: I could be Agent M

Agent J: Jarra, you are under arrest for being that ugly, and for making that many copies!

Newton: A neuralize... Agent J: Ok. First, get some contact lenses, cause those joints look like they could pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia, get her a lobster dinner. Pay more then a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia, move your bum ass outta your mom's house. Boy, you like forty years old. Kevin Brown/K: Agent J. Agent J: Aight! Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black. (J leaves) Newton: You wanna go to Cambodia? Hailey: Yeah. Newton: Hey, Mom? (Newton picks up a shovel)

Newton: Guys, before we start the tape, one more thing - what's up with anal probing? I mean, do they really come billions of light years just to... Agent J: Boy... Move!

Agent J: I'm not going to take advice on relationships from a guy who chases his own ass. Frank the Pug: That is canine profiling, and I resent it!

(after a disappointing performance) Agent T: (Crying) You're going to neuralize me, brought me to a public place so I wouldn't make a scene. Agent J: You ARE making a scene

Frank the Pug: How about we do the good cop, bad cop routine? You can interrogate the witness, and I'll just growl. Grrrrr... Agent J: How about we do the good cop, dumb dog routine, and you just shut up.

Agent J: Yeah, every Saturday night you'd be like, 'Flush me J. Flush me.' and I'd be like, 'Naw'.

Agent J: I need a containment crew at the subway station at 81st Street. Revoke Jeff's movement privileges immediately. Have a team escort him back to the subway. And would someone *please* check the expiration date on the Unipod worm tranquilizers?

(Jay neuralyzes Agent T) Agent J: Get married, have a bunch of kids, live happily ever after. Agent T: Okay. Agent J: (to a waitress on his way out) My friend over there's kind of shy, but he thinks you are HOT.

MIB Customs Agent: Purpose of visit? Serleena: Education. I really want to learn how to be an underwear model. They say I've got real potential. (opens jacket)

Scrad: We don't even know what planet it's on! Serleena: He said, "The third planet!" It's here, you idiot. Charlie: (whispers) Third Rock From the Sun. Scrad: I never got that till now!

(to an agent who laughs at him) Frank the Pug: You have children? Agent: No. Frank the Pug: Want 'em? (bares his teeth)

(after Jay shows Kevin/Kay that every other employee in the post office is an alien) Kevin Brown/K: The wife and I went to Vegas and saw Sigfried and Roy make a pair of white tigers fly around the room. Your act's nothing special, slick.

Jarra: They caught me siphoning ozone from their atmosphere to sell on the black market. These humans are very touchy about this global warming thing.

Jarra: Hello, Jay. Long time. Agent J: Jarra! Hey, you look great! Been, what, about five years? Jarra: And forty-two days, thanks to you. You count every one when you're locked away like a primate.

Worms: K, you're back, they told us you were dead, you look good!

(Frank is wearing his very own MIB suit) Frank the Pug: J! Wait up! I appreciate this shot man. Thought I'd never get out of that mailroom. Agent J: Lose the suit! Frank the Pug: Sure thing partner. No problemo. Just going for the look. But if I say so myself, I do find the overall effect very slimming!

Agent J: Would somebody PLEASE explain to me why I have a dead Tricranosloth going through Passport Control? MIB Autopsy Agent: That would be my fault, sir. I'm very sorry, sir. Please don't neuralize me, sir! Agent J: Wha' the hell's that supposed to mean?

(J takes Kevin/K into the Deneuralizer room) Agent J: The Deneuralizer. In a few moments, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking information hidden deep and dormant that could hold the key to Earth's very survival. Kevin Brown/K: Okay (pointing at the deneuralizer) What's that thing?

(on the train) Agent J: Please move to the forward car, we've got a bug in the system. (He is ignored by the passengers) Agent J: YO! WE GOT A BUG IN THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM! (a huge bug smashes through into the compartment, the passengers flee) Agent J: Oh! Now y'all runnin' Now y'all... No, no, no, no, sit down, sit down, It's only a 600 foot worm!

(at passport control) MIB Customs Agent: Any fruit or vegetables? Serleena: (motioning towards Scrad) Yeah, two heads of cabbage.

(in the midst of alien fight, K repeatedly kicks an alien in the crotch but nothing happens) Agent J: K, that won't work he's a Balchinian!

(J tangles with Serleena's tentacles) Agent J: I've got the latest smackdown for your candy-ass!

Grand Central Station Locker Creatures: K is back! The keeper of the light! All hail K! All hail K! Oh K can you see by the dawn's early light...

Agent J: Didn't your mother ever give you a Gameboy? Kevin Brown/K: WHAT is a Gameboy?

Laura: Half the time you were on your back! Agent J: That's how I fight.

Newton's Mother: (from downstairs) Newton! What are you doing up there? Newton: I'm up in my room with some friends, Mom! Hailey: I want to have your baby.

(after his head is blown off) Jack Jeebs: Oh, great, right in the pie-hole. Now nothing's gonna taste right!

Agent J: Just about everybody who works in the post office is an alien.

Agent J: Stay! Frank the Pug: Listen, partner. I may look like a dog, but I only play one here on Earth. Agent J: OK, wipe your mouth.

Agent T: Oh, good pie!

Jeebs: Are you allergic to shellfish?

Agent J: (Jay is hiding Laura at the Worms' place) Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here. Worms: (Laura kisses Jay) Whooooh! Agent J: Uh... just... watch out for Neeble. Laura: Which one's Neeble? Agent J: Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble? Neeble: Yo, mama! Agent J: Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep. (Jay exits) Worms: Twister!

Newton: There's a huge rat in the toilet, it's all stopped up so you're gonna have to pee in the sink. (spots agents J & K) Gentlemen! Seen any... aliens lately? Agent K: Son, you need professional help. Hailey: He's getting it, it's not working.

Agent K: You did not see a room full of shiny weapons, you did not see four alien night crawlers. You *will* love and cherish each other for the rest of your life. Agent J: Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y'all should get to lovin' and cherishin'. Oh, and she gets to stay up as late as she wants and have candy and cookies and cake and junk and stuff.

(K is taking potshots at Jeff using the Noisy Cricket) Agent J: Might I suggest a bigger gun?

MIB Guard: (Agent J enters MIB Headquarters) Don't you ever go home? Agent J: Nope! MIB Guard: I see you neutralized another partner.

MIB Guard: It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causing all kinds of hell.

Serleena: (after hearing a noise in the kitchen motions Scrad to go over there by jerking her head) Scrad: (doesn't react) Serleena: (again motions) Scrad: (still doesn't react) Serleena: (motions again and adds while looking at back of restaurant) There. Scrad: (looks but doesn't move) Serleena: Kitchen! Scrad: (gives a so? type of look) Serleena: Noise! Scrad: (finally gets the message) Oh. I'm right on it. (goes over there to check)

Agent J: (pointing gun at Jeff the bug) Jeff, don't make me have to do this.

Agent J: Get me someone I can talk to so I can revoke Jeff's subway privileges.

Mysteries in History Narrator: Mysteries in History with your host Peter Graves. Peter Graves: Although n-one has ever been able to prove their existence, a quasi-government agency known as the men in black supposedly carries out secret operations here on Earth in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies. Here is one of their stories that never happened, from one of their files that doesn't exist.

Agent J: Why did you put them rats in my locker, man? Kevin Brown/K: I thought it would put things in perspective for you. Agent J: No, K, it's actually kind of sad, really. We need to let them out of there, I mean, they need to know that the world is bigger than that. Kevin Brown/K: Still a rookie.

Kevin Brown/K: We are who we are; even if we sometimes forget it.

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