Al: Al, listen, I'm already done with the first trimester. Now what if what's left is all good, and we miss out on it? Al: (laughing) You know, I'm finally starting to understand how she got you. Let me explain something to you. There is no such thing as a trimester. There's actually just one long forty year-mester. Except when they're pregnant, you get what I call the mini-mester. You've got your fat-mester and your puke-mester, and lord in heaven, you got your horny-mester.

Al: Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

Al: Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.

Al: You know what I would do if I was President? I'd take a big empty state, that nobody's using, y'know, like Idaho, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Boise. And since Idaho means nothing anyhow, I'd change the name to Preg-naho.

Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasn't invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face, and said, "I'm here." and headed right for the food. Sure, they didn't want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didn't, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. You're a Bundy. Start acting like one.

Al: Look, Steve. Why don't you do this? Go home, wake up Marcy and say, "Hey, I lost my money. I screwed up, it won't happen again, and what's for supper?" That's what being a man is all about, Steve. Making mistakes and not caring.

Al: Son, let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.

Al: Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's hooey I tell you, hooey.

Al: I'm tracking down Seven's real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.

Al: Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.

Al: We're gonna go where people pretend to want to go when they can't afford to go someplace good. We're gonna see America. We take no map. We'll follow the sun. Stay in cheap motels and steal what we need along the way. We go west, past the cheese factories, where the air is fresh, the sky is big, and a man can still kill his dinner with his car. Guys, tomorrow we put the pedal to the metal and we ride with the wind.

Al: Everybody, I have an announcement. Your happiness... sickens me. Everybody but me is looking at good times. But for me it's been one long continuous year since I got married. Actually, one long month. Helluary.

Peggy: I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago. But his philosophy is why improve a home you're only going to live in anyway?

Peggy: Sooo... we've certainly learned a lot about each other. We have no opinions on politics, religion, science, starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling. The only thing we seem to feel strongly about is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno.

Kelly: Remember, attraction is a three-way street. Or is it a one-way tunnel? Hmm, in any case, I do know it's a four-lane highway, but it takes two to use the car-pool lane. I guess what I'm trying to say is, what the younger generation has learned is that there's nothing for us to watch on CBS, and you've got to be yourself. A man has to love you for you, not some costume. He's gotta love who you are.

Bud: Well, when I get my degree, from an accredited community college, I might add, I'll be the one with the Lucky Charms, my friends. And I'll be eating them out of the bra cups of my own private breakfast treat, Monique. Here's to the future.

Jefferson: I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me? Al: Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Peggy: What would you like? Al: A nice juicy steak, medium rare, with little brown potatoes on the right side of the plate, ketchup on the left, where some people waste space with vegetables. And for dessert, a roast beef.

Al: So, we're having a new baby. The gods are on a roll, aren't they? Must've been playing another round of "Can you top this?" One started off, "We'll make him a shoe salesman." Then another said, "We'll give him a red-head." Then another one, probably a cruel, hungover god, said, "But let's have him be a mighty athlete in high school first so his fall will be all the greater." Kelly: But the gods showed you they loved you when they gave you us. Al: Yeah, give those gods a Miller. Will someone please tell me, how did this happen?

Al: It's not that I couldn't be happy without you, Peg. It's just that I couldn't be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy. Peggy: I thought the true Bundy Legacy was underwear with just an elastic band.

Jefferson: Having sex with a pregnant woman is like putting gas in a car you just wrecked. Al: Well luckily Peg pulls into self service.

Kelly: He'll be here. When my daddy says he'll do something he... no, that's my friend Marsha's daddy. But when my daddy puts his mind to something, he... no, that's Carolyn's daddy. Well, my daddy dear, he knows he's still number one, oh girls just want to have fun. No, that's Cyndi Lauper's daddy. Hmm. Jackson: What about your daddy? Kelly: Obviously, he's not here.

Marcy: Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies. Al: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth.

Al: I don't smell no food. If you expect me to pleasure you, I need what Robert Mitchum needs. Peggy: A jowl tightening? Al: No. Beef. Let's have it, baby. Peggy: Al, do you know I cooked four hours for that five minutes of sex we had? It just isn't worth it.

Peggy: No TV, Al, we're talking. Al: You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV.

Al: I don't want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want... this room. It's really nice... Are you thinking of moving out, son? Bud: No, Dad. Al: Damn. Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.

Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry. Kelly: Until he goes to sleep.

Bud: Bundy's a name you earn. Our emotional scars run so deep you can almost see them.

Al: Well, I guess there's nothing left to do now but pick out the dress you're going to wear when Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the President.

Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner, baby.

Buck: Yeah. Like your family is any better.

Peggy: Well, who's going to go up there and tell your father that metal conducts electricity? Kelly, Bud: Not me. We could get hurt up there.

Peggy: I can't believe you still have that car. Al: I can't believe I still have you.

Al: I'll be going. Don't bother to get the elevator, I'll just jump out the window.

Al: We don't need the lottery. We have each other. Peggy: I want the lottery.

Charlie Verducci: Times have passed us by. Women today don't understand that we need to fall asleep after sex. We have to. (after a few minutes of dialogue) Al: Wait, Charlie. I was thinking about what you said. I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

(Playing a board game, Al has to tell what he cares about) Al: I Care, by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitcher's on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays. I swear.

Al: Peg, I don't wanna go to our high school reunion. Can't we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?

Peggy: Al, just call a roofer. Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood? Bud: Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet. Kelly: Chew Dad's socks! Bud: Eat Mom's food!

Al: What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again.

Peggy: Now look, Al. You said you wouldn't take me to prom. I said fine. You said you'd only be a shoe salesman for a little while until you got your feet off the ground. I said fine. You said, "I don't know what's wrong; I guess I'm just tired." I said fine. I'm not saying fine this time, Al.

Al: Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain.

Fat Woman: I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides. Al: Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon. Fat Woman: You'll be hearing from my attorney! Al: Is that the law offices of Haagen and Daaz?

(Offscreen) Al: Peg, leave it alone, it's mine. Peggy: But it just hangs there lifelessly. Let me fiddle with it, I'll straighten it out. Al: For God's sake, Peg, you're going to pull it off... Now it's too long. Peggy: Most women like it that way. Al: I don't care what women like. I'm the one that has to lug it around. (Al enters, his necktie way too long)

Al: Bud, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Bud: Luscious hooters? Al: No. That's what I should have been thinking about, but no.

Peggy: Is it dead, Al? Al: It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe. Peggy: Something went in your shoe and lived? Will you call an exterminator now? Al: Nah, now it's personal.

Al: A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today and said, "I need something I'd be comfortable in." So, I said, "try Wyoming."

Al: A fat woman came into the shoe store today and asked for something to wear for a walk in the woods. Jokingly I suggested a sandwich sign saying "don't shoot, from the front I look human." Now you think a good natured, jolly lady like that could take some good humored teasing, but what does she do? That cow goes and complains to the owner who then gives her a gift certificate for $200 worth of free shoes. Now you know whose paycheck that's going to come out of? Peggy: Kelly's? Al: Damn right, if only if I can find where she hides her purse.

Al: (Reading off names of dirty movies) Schindler's Lust, Booty and the Beast, and my favorite, Forrest Hump.

Peggy: Hey Al, I found one. It's called Like Water for Chocolate, it's a love story. Al: What a coincidence, Peg, I found a love story too: Mrs Assfire. Peggy: Water. Al: Fire.

Marcy: But unlike Evolution, I'm not letting you off the hook Al. Now can you tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer? Al: All right, number one - if it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley. Number two - since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want. And hold on to your corncob pipe - we like pretty women. Pretty women sell beer, ugly women sell tennis rackets. Pretty women - cars; ugly women - minivans. Pretty women make us buy beer, and ugly women make us *drink beer*.

Al: (to Gary Coleman the property inspector) That driveway belongs to the people next door but they may not let you in because the only black person they respect is Ted Danson.

Al: That driveway out there. As you can see, it's built nowhere up to it's code. I made it out of ground up women's shoes. So, how much is the fine? Gary Coleman: Well since you turned yourself in, I'll let it go at $100. Al: I see, and what if I said I made it that way just to make you look like an idiot? Gary Coleman: Then that would be $1,500. Bud: And what if we called you a moron to boot? Gary Coleman: $2,000. Kelly: Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman from Diff'rent Strokes? Gary Coleman: No, I am not. Kelly: Good. I hated that show. Gary Coleman: $5,000.

(Stumbling down the steps in the middle of the night) Al: Can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed.

Al: Ah, home sweet hell.

Al: There's no Hell like home.

Al: Peg, kids, get ready to torture me - I'm home.

Al: I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I'm not happy to be home.

Marcy: What would it be like if men had breasts? Al: We wouldn't need women any more.

Kelly: Daddy. It is so hot, you can lay an egg on the sidewalk.

(Al and Peg are competing with Marcy and Jefferson for a shopping spree) Jefferson: Drop dead. Peggy: Lick feet. Marcy: Eat dust. Al: Grow hair.

Bud: Hey, they're hosting a talent show contest. Peggy: Yeah, and the first prize is 500 dollars. Bud: Why don't we enter? Al: Because we don't have any talent. Kelly: Dad, what are you talking about? Bud does a solo act every night. Of course, he hasn't gotten an award for it since the Cub Scouts.

Kelly: I'm trying to teach these kids how to read. Bud: But, Kelly, you can't read. Kelly: Well you can't score, but you still have a bed.

(Al is on trial for assault) Kelly: Your Honor, I'm here to defend my daddy. D is for daddy. A... is for daddy. D is for daddy, Y is for daddy, I is for daddy, WE is for daddy. The defense breasts! Al: Uh, Your Honor, if there is a valid lawsuit here, it should be Bundy vs. the Board of Education, because she actually graduated high school!

Bud: You can't be this dumb. Kelly: I can be anything I wanna be, it's the '90s.

Kelly: Bud, I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna bury you alive.

Al: Can I have a "Whoa Bundy."? The Bundy's: Whooooooooa Bundy.

Al: Yes, A Family Barbecue. (holding out a hand) Who's gonna give it a "Whoa Bundy" here? (no response) ... Eh? (Peggy, Kelly and Bud get up from the couch and walk away) ... No one? Fine. Peggy: Oh, Al. Honey, don't get us wrong. It's not like we don't enjoy sweltering in the backyard, being bitten by horseflies and watching you scratch your sweaty back with our salad forks. But Honey, just once we would like to do something WE want. Al: Well, we can't do something that you want, and I'll tell you why. Because its, it's Labor Day, not Leech Day - that's Christmas. It's not Parasite Day - that's Mother's Day. See, this is a holiday for the working guy. It celebrates all the people who work so that all the people who don't... (referring to his family) ... get to live longer and have more than he does. So tomorrow, unless, God willing, I die in my sleep, I get up for me and celebrate for me. Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day. Peggy: Gee, I thought that was Al-O-Ween.

Al: (watching "The Jeffersons") Oh my God. It's Wheezy in a bathing suit!

(Bud is teaching Kelly how to box) Bud: Come on, you fight like a girl. Kelly: You pee like one. Bud: That was a temporary medical condition.

Al: (the Bundy Creedo) Hooters, hooters, yum yum yum. Hooters hooters on a girl that's dumb.

Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day? Peggy: Well, having the kids. Marcy: No, I mean have you ever done something that you really regretted? Peggy: Having the kids.

(Kelly presents the weather forecast on channel 89) Kelly: Winds are up to 30 moofs TV producer: That's miles per hour, you idiot.

Peggy: Marcy what is it? Marcy: Peggy, Steve's IMPOTENT. (Steve walks in) Al: Hey Steve. What's up? OOPS!

Peggy: Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant. Al: Well congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra. Marcy: That's right Al, but I don't need to complain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Al: Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May. Peggy: Well you'll thank me in December. Al: Only if you leave me in November.

Peggy: A Bathroom is not a room. Al: YES IT IS A ROOM. It says so in the title "BATH ROOM."

Peggy: And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE. Al: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD.

(repeated line) Al: Let's rock.

Bud: Hi, mum. Peggy: Hi, Kelly. Kelly: Hi, mum. Peggy: Hi, Bud. Al: Hi, Peg, and before you say "Hi, the milkman", it's me. Peggy: I know, I have a nose.

Al: Women, you can't live with them... the end.

Marcy: Al Bundy, what do you think you're doing? Al: Going blind if you stand up.

Kelly: Something is rotten in the state of Denver.

Kelly: I'm like the Beatles of the 20th Century.

(Al wakes from a dream and discovers that Peggy is no longer pregnant) Al: Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is you mother... Bud: Repulsed by you? Kelly: Disappointed financially and sexually by you? Al: No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? (Kelly and Bud look grossed out) Al: Marcy? (Kelly and Bud look even more grossed out) Kelly: (to Bud) Do you think he's crazy? Bud: He must be. He didn't ask about you.

(Al and Peggy are playfully shooting each other with Nerf Ball guns) Marcy: What is going on here? Al: Foreplay. Peggy: No, this can't be foreplay. I'm enjoying it. Al: And, I'm in the room.

Marcy: Oh, come on Al. You can't keep this up for a whole month. Sooner or later, some chorally challenged woman is going to walk through those doors and your going to end up insulting her. You know why? Because you don't know the first thing about politically correct behavior. Al: What does that have to do with obnoxious fat women? Marcy: Today's obese woman feels that it's their God-given right to be heavy, and they do not like being insulted or commented on it by you or me or anyone. Al: So for example, if some moo-cow rumbles in here with a pie under each quadruple chin, I'm not supposed to ask her if that's the Star Spangled Banner that she's belching so that I can know whether to sit or stand. Marcy: No, ye of so little deodorant.

Jefferson: Al, when are we going to stop sipping this beer and start drinking it? Griff: Yeah, all this beer foreplay is making me thirsty. Ike: What's foreplay? Bob Rooney: It's the act that comes right before sex. It lasts... about ten seconds. Ike: Well then what's sex?

Al: (singing) Old Mc Bundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With-a no wife here and a-no kids there. A hooker coming over on Friday nights. With big luscious hooters, a pizza, and a beer there. Old Mc Bundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

Al: I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit's still alive, I'm yours tonight. (Rabbit's head pops out of hole) Peggy: (talking to the kids) You know, the strange thing is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise. Al: Now look what you've done! You'll be screaming worse than me, I'll tell you! (as Peggy drags him into the house) I'll get you for this, I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you!

(Kelly has a zit) Al: Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go to a pharmacy and get some real medicine. Kelly: Outside? But Daddy, what if somebody sees my pimple? Al: Pumpkin, it's dark. Nobody's going to see the pimple. Kelly: I guess you right. I guess I'm being silly, huh? (opens door) Man from distance: Whoa. Look at the zits on the blonde chick. Kelly: Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?

Peggy: Hi, Al, did you have a good day? Al: I came home. How good could it have been?

Peggy: I want sex. Al: So do I, but I see no reason to drag *you* into it.

Bud: Eat Dad's okra. Kelly: Lick his onions.

Peggy: Did you miss me? Al: With every bullet, so far.

Al: Bud, if you need money, you should do what a wise man once said, "Yip-ip-ip-ip-ip, mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu- Get a job."

Al: Hello, Police? I'd like to describe a... Missing person. How tall? About four feet tall, five feet wide. Smoke belching out the rear, weighs two tons. No, it's not Oprah. No, it's not Delta Burke, who'd call to report her missing? No, it's my Dodge. Hello?

(Phone rings Al: Hello, Peg. Peggy: How did you know it was me? Al: Because I actually heard God laugh.

Mr Blithers: Ah, Mr Boondy. Al: Actually, it's Bundy. Mr Blithers: Sorry. Anyway, Mr Boondy...

Bud is Al's driving examiner) Al: While you're tallying my score, Son, let me remind you that if I don't get my driver's license, I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, I'll have to stay home and I'll be home all the time. When you bring your dates over, I WILL be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't ya Son? Bud: Not the ones that read, "If you lived here you'd be home now"? Al: Correct. And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheese Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, Son, HOW'D I DO? Bud: You passed.

(the Bundy's driveway is on the D'Arcy's property line. Marcy and Jefferson have set up a toll booth) Marcy: We'll be happy to let Al use it, won't we Jefferson? Jefferson: Sure, as long as he pays the toll. Al: What's the toll? Marcy: $1,500, exact change please. Al: $1,500? Are you crazy? Jefferson: (cocks rifle) Who you callin' crazy, Punk? Al: Uh... Your wife.

Al: I'm glad they found my car. I couldn't really go with a new one. (to Peg, Kelly and Bud) It would be like losing one of you or Peg it would be like trading you in for a young blonde with new, smooth, factory-warranted hooters. Sure the first few rides would be nice but in the long run, and this Peg, is what depresses me everyday, I realize that... You're the one I want.

(On the phone with the police) Al: Lousy bribe-takin', donut sucking, trigger-happ... Hello, Officer?

Al: Hello, Police? This is an emergency. Yeah, I'll hold.

(Installing a satellite dish) Jefferson: Okay, I've inserted Screw S into Walsher T. Dan, hand me Screw U. Officer Dan: What did you say? Jefferson: I said Screw U. Officer Dan: (Drawing gun) Up yours!

(Bud is Al's driving examiner) Bud: Look, Mr Boondy, I am merely being a professional civil server and I've taken an oath. HOOTERS. HOOTERS. PULL OVER. (Blonde get's in) Oh by the way, Dad, I'm deducting five points. You should never pick up hitchhikers.

DMV Worker: What language do you speak? Al: I speak the same language as everyone else in this country. DMV Worker: Ah, Spanish.

(in a movie theater) Al: I just complained to the manager about the lack of hooters in this film.

(after beating up Kelly's two-timing boyfriend) Al: That's why cable will never replace the movie-going experience.

(Kelly is wearing a skimpy outfit) Bud: I see you're wearing your "Love me for my mind" outfit.

(Marcy got "Psycho Dad" cancelled) Marcy: (singing "Psycho Dad" tune to Al) Who's that guy whose show is doooooone? Whose TV hero's on the ruuuuuun? Who'll be watching V-H-Oooooone? Loser Al. Loser Al. Loser Al.

(Instead of admitting he's a shoe salesman, Peg wants Al to lie at their high school reunion) Fellow Classmate: And what are you doing nowadays, Al? Al: Ummm... garbage salesman.

(Al needs glasses) Kelly: Ok, Daddy. Show him your prescription. Salesman: (reads prescription) Salesman: (waves hand in Al's face) Can you see me?

(Al tests out his new glasses) Al: (looking at cover of "TV Guide") Ahhh, there he is bright as day - Raymond Burr. Kelly: It's Delta Burke, Daddy. Al: Raymond Burr, Delta Burke, city of Seattle. What's the difference?

(It's Friday, but Al & Peg want to make Kelly think it's really Saturday) Peggy: C'mon, Al. Pretend it's Saturday. Al: (right hand down his pants; switches to the left one) Kelly: (comes home) Kelly: (looks at Al) Oh my god, it's Saturday?

(Al needs glasses, but chickens out at store) Al: I don't wanna be a Poindexter. Bud: Relax, dad. Lots of cool people wear glasses. Nerdy Salesman: I'm Wally. Please don't want me. I'm married. Kelly: Good, then there's hope for my brother.

(a tall, skanky woman enters the shoe store) Al: Can I help you? Skanky Woman: Do you have anything sexy? Al: No. Do you? (the woman punches Al) Al: Ah, it's a good job.

(Al is squeezing shoes on Enid, a fat customer) Enid: See? I told you I was a size four. Al: No, ma'am. "Fore." is what you should yell when the shoe comes off your foot. Are we done here? Enid: I'm not sure I like this shade of blue. Al: Well, how's this? What say you stand with these shoes in front of the mirror over there and I'll come up behind you and begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell, "Moo," and I'll stop. Enid: That's it. I'm taking my business elsewhere. Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig?

Jefferson: Madam Inga has called up all the dark forces of Sweden against you. Al: What's going to happen? I wake up one morning owning a Volvo? Spend the rest of my life as a skier? Or worse, wake up one morning next to a tall Nordic beauty with big honkers? (sarcastically) OH, NO!

Peggy: (during a Al's Christmas Fantasy) I saved myself for Marriage. Al: OH COME ON. The football team retired HER JERSEY.

Al: What's on now? Peggy: I Love Lucy. Al: Well I hate Lucy. The real star was Fred. They should've killed off Ethel, Lucy and that illegal alien... Made Fred a single man and called it "Mertz's World", but oh well.

Old Lady: I'm still not sure I want these shoes. What would you recommend to go with them? Al: A bubbling cauldron? Old Lady: You've got a lot of nerve. Al: To get this close to your feet, yeah.

Captain: Get with the program Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station. Al: Marry a redhead.

(a little fat girl named Penelope is trying on shoes) Penelope: Does this look like pink? I said pink. Pink you bone top. Al: A thousand apologies, my little carbuncle. Penelope: With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life. Al: Yeah, well take a gander into the seat next to you if you wanna see what your future looks like. (Penelope's super-obese mother is sitting in the chair) Penelope's Mother: Come, Penelope. Let's go someplace where they treat us with respect. Al: Why don't you two try the moon? You'll weigh less there.

Peggy: What does Cheers have to do with Christmas? Al: What does NBC have to do with television?

Peggy: You're going too fast, I can't... what was that? What was that? What was that? Al: A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargeant as Darrin, a Gilligan where the gorilla comes to the island, a Full House Christmas special where they get snowed in at the airport, and the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Phillipe, not Jacques Cousteau. Peggy: You can see all that, but you can't see the rim around the toilet? Al: I see what I want to see.

Bud Bundy: You're talking to a guy who's had the real thing more times than there are stars in the sky. Dr Kessler: There are more than four stars in the sky, Mr Bundy.

Peggy: This is George Washington, the father of our country. Kelly: I thought that was James Brown. Peggy: No, he was the Godfather of soul. Kelly: I thought that was Don Corleone. Peggy: I think we've had enough for one day.

Jefferson: Since the wives are downtown feeding dinners to the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless.

(Bud and Kelly are harassing Jerry Mathers at Foodie's) Bud: Can you settle a bet between my sister and me? She says you frittered away your money on cheap women and booze. I say it was donuts and cheap women. The Beaver: Give me a quarter and go away.

The Beaver: Ladies and gentlemen, it's certainly a pleasure to be here at Foodies, the store with great food, and super-low prices... (breaks down) The Beaver: Oh, merciful heavens, won't somebody please shoot me! Somebody, please, just put a bullet through the Old Beav's head! Peggy: Oh, Al, look at him. He's brought so much pleasure to so many. Can't you get him a job at the shoe store? Al: That's all I need, Peg. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you.

Al: My country would never rule against me. Bud: Dad, they ruled against you. Al: Damn George Washington. I wish he was dead.

Peggy: So where's my anniversary gift? Al: Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. (Goes out to the garage, tries to start the car, then comes back inside) Happy anniversary. Peggy: A can of motor oil? Al: 40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

TV Announcer: Coming up next is the television special, "I Drink Because My Father is A Shoe Salesman". Al: (skyward) Good one.

Al: (on the phone with insurance company after his car is stolen) $50? For a Dodge? What about my mental suffering? Oh, you say that's a major part of the $50?

Salesman: A 1994 Dodge Viper. Al: Oh Peg, I'm so happy I... I could shake your hand. Peggy: Al, it only has two seats. What about the kids? Al: It's got a trunk.

Gary: Out with it, Bundy, what's your store idea? Al: Anything but an aerobics studio. Gary: You called me all the way down here to suggest anything but an aerobics studio? Al: Yeah, what do you say? Gary: I'd say you're fired if I weren't sure you'd make more on unemployment.

Peggy: Al, how come you never send me roses? Al: I don't like you, Peg.

Al: Oh no, Peg, you mocked the Dodge. She shot the Dodge, but she didn't shoot the deputy. Peggy: What does that mean? Al: I don't know, Peg, I'm just babbling like this because I'm staring at her cleavage.

Al: That 8-track is to today's stereos like what a girlfriend is to a wife: an earlier, better version.

Al: Marcy, haven't you ever got up in the morning and realize something was missing? Of course you do, you must when you open your pajama top. Marcy: Or your pajama bottom.

Griff: Al, if I don't make it, would you look up my ex-wife and... Al: Tell her that you love her? Griff: No. Tell her she's a bitch.

Al: I wanna be back with my family. Angel: Why? Al: Look at them. They're happy. Not a care in the world. You think I'm gonna let that happen, after all the grief they've put me through? I want to live. Angel: Bundy, are you serious? That means I'm going to be an angel. I'm gonna get my wings. I'm gonna be a real angel. But first I'm gonna go take a look at my ex-wife. Al: You really did love her, huh? Angel: No. I just want to put a package of Ding-Dongs just out of reach of her pork-pie fingers. And then, as she oozes that thousand-pound bulk over to the table, lifts up three of her chins, so she's able to put one of them into her mouth, I'm gonna turn them into me. A 20-year-old rotting corpse. How do you like that, Thelma? Daddy's home for Christmas. You pig. You slut. Take a bite of this, Shamu. AHHHRRRG.

Al: Now wait a second Peg, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

Al: (Is given a book) "My Partner. My Wife. My Life". My God.

Al: What's that bed for? Director: Come now, Mr Bundy, you're a married man. Al: Yeah... So what's that bed for?

Angel: I know you think you got it tough: your wife doesn't respect you, your kids think you're a failure, a good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases... Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. (gets up) My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids, I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "hit me". But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? Because she told me. Oh yeah. When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, by bookie... But when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. (sits back down) That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh? (laughs insanely) Al: And you're here to help me, huh?

Al: I will not bend, I will not break. I will not sit, I will not make.

Peggy: Al just had it in his head that the cop was an impersonator. I'm sorry I put that in your head, Al.

Jefferson: You're a Bundy and if you put a D where the N is, you're a buddy. Al: And if you put an N where the D is, I'm a bunny. What's your point?

Al: I'll drive out Al Bundy: Old Dodge Owner, but I'll drive back in Al Bundy: Viper Man. Marcy: But on the down side, you'll still be Al Bundy.

Al: Steve, let's go for a ride in the Mustang. Just sit and look cooly out the window and we'll pretend these (their wives) are our mothers.

Kelly: You're upset because people are calling you Mr Dirty Pants. Al: That's Empty Pants. Kelly: Wow. That would mean a total absence of genitalia.

Al: Psycho Dad has been canceled. You know who's responsible? Bob Rooney: Women? Al: No. Marcy D'Arcy, Chicken at Large.

Bud: Dad... Al: Go away. Bud: This isn't about money. Al: Go away anyway. Bud: Dad, will you stop and listen to me. Al: All right, what? Bud: Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday on the 30th. Can we? Please? Al: Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.

Al: What do I need a computer for? Marcy: News updates. Al: Newspaper. Marcy: Social events. Al: TV Guide. Steve: Recipes. Al: (Placing arm around Peg) Don't eat. Steve: Doctor's appointments. Al: Don't care.

Steve: Al, you realize that tampering with your kids dental records is against the law. Al: So is dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife.

Bud: Why don't you buy us a new car, Dad? Al: Why didn't I think of that? New cars for everybody. What about you Peg; would you like a new BMW? Peggy: I don't know. I've always seen myself in a Jaguar. Al: Oh, if we could only find one that hungry.

Kelly: You registered our car as a farm vehicle? Peggy: I'm not surprised. He registered the Dodge as a pull toy. Al: And the next thing I register will be a handgun.

(Bud and Kelly are still harassing Jerry Mathers at Foodies) The Beaver: Look, here's 50 cents. It's all I have. Now please leave me alone. Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Throughly Pathetic Tour '91"? The Beaver: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes. (Shamed, Bud and Kelly slink off) The Beaver: Golly, that felt good.

Al: I want my Dodge, dag-nabit. Mikey: Dag-nabit? What did you do, get the "Hooked on Phonics" Yosemite Sam tape?

Mikey: (a teenager) I'm Mikey. I'm the manager. Al: Of what? The Mets? Mikey: I don't take lip from shoe salesmen. Now what do you want? I have a book report due tomorrow. Al: I want my car. It never came out the other end. Mikey: Are you sure you brought a car? Al: No, I drove the wife. Of course I brought a car, you zit farm.

Dexter: Mr Bundy? I'm Dexter, the temp you ordered. Al: That can't be. I ordered someone with a 44-inch chest. Dexter: D-Cup? Al: Yeah. Dexter: That's me. Al: So, Dexter, have you ever sold shoes before? Dexter: Nope. You? Al: Nope.

Peggy: Hi, Al. I brought you lunch. Al: Thanks, Peg. Peg, this is just three pieces of bread. Where's the meat? Peggy: Think of it as a club sandwich; hold the club. Al: I wish I was holding a club. Oh well, it's gotta be better than yesterday's hot dog bun on rye.

(Al is going outside shirtless) Peggy: Where are you going? Al: Where do you think I'm going? Peggy: To the "Mr Pudding Belly" tryouts?

Al: That's my douche. Jefferson: Oh yeah? Well you touched my Girlie Fizz.

Kelly: If Beavis and Butt-head did a live stage show 100 years from now, I'd go to it. Bud: Kelly, Beavis and Butt-head are cartoons. Kelly: They prefer to be called "dimensionally challenged".

Al: (What he knows about the ocean) When you flush, it goes here. And I've seen all 3,000 episodes of Gilligan's Island.

(Al is under house arrest in his basement) Peggy: Oh, Al. It's time for your conjugal visit. Al: No. No. Help Me. Peggy: Shut up, Al. You're my bitch now.

Jefferson: Can I stay here a while? I don't want Marcy to know I'm not at the Unemployment Anonymous meeting.

Griff: I'm Griff X. Calvin Farquar: X as in civil rights leader Malcolm X? Griff: No, X as in screwed over by the Ex.

Kelly: (Playing a shoe store customer) Excuse me, Sir, do you have any purple pumps? Al: ... Certainly we have purple pimps. At Gary's Shoes, we feet your treat.

Griff: Bud, did I ever tell you that I was Dorothy in my high school production of The Wiz? Bud: All male school? Griff: No.

(Al is building a new bathroom) Steve Rhoades: Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink. Al: Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor. Steve Rhoades: Why have a razor if you don't have a sink? Al: Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.

Kelly: Mom, I'm on the horns of an enema.

Al's Father: How are you going to pay for this piece of junk? Al: I got a job at that new lady's shoe store. Al's Father: You're going to sell lady's shoes? What are you, some kind of fruit? Al: It's just for the summer.

Al: Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.

Jefferson: How am I going to pay for this? Marcy: Three words. Jefferson: I love you? Marcy: Try again. Jefferson: Hop on Pop? Marcy: Get a job. (Peg and Jefferson gape in horror)

Bob Rooney: I'll get leopard skin seat covers to match my underwear. Ike: I guess I won't be getting seat covers.

Al: Griff, girls like that are a dime a dozen. Griff: Here's a dime, bring me a dozen.

(Al thinks he sees aliens) Peggy: Listen, Al. You suffered a head injury today. You're probably seriously hurt, and require immediate medical attention. Now go to sleep.

Peggy: A pox on you, Al. Al: Yeah; like I'd notice.

Kid: Santa smells like beer. Al: (Dressed as Santa; quietly) Catch me in five minutes, I'll smell like hard liquor.

Al: (Dressed as Santa) Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.

Kid: I wanna sit on your lap. Al: (Dressed as Santa) All right but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.

(something falls off the Bundy's roof into their back yard) Kelly: What was that? Al: I don't know but if it's dead and has a red nose, we'll throw it in Steve and Marcy's yard.

Heidi: Mr Bundy, where is says "Name", do you want mine? Al: Uh no, just a simple naked photo will do.

Al: The job has already been filled by someone far more qualified. Heidi: Mr Bundy, where it says "Date", do you want his name or where we went? Al: That's Heidi. She's dumb as toast, but I'd kill for her. And I'd start with you.

Kelly Bundy: God, I can't believe I have to go to work at 10 tomorrow. Bud: (mocking Kelly) AM or BM? Kelly Bundy: BM. Why can't they just call it "PM", for "Post Meridian"?

Bud: Wait a second, you people can't just barge in here and invade our privacy. Kelly, show these people out. Reporter: We'll pay you $1 million for your exclusive story. Bud: Kelly, get these people a Snapple.

Al: Why doesn't Willie Nelson hold a benefit for me? He could call it AlAid.

Bud: Hey, Kel. Guess what; I've got a date tonight with a foreign exchange student who's so easy she makes you look like a calculus problem.

Kelly: Let me guess, Billy Ray Bundy? Bud: Damn straight, missy. Country's in. Kelly: Then what country are you? Bud: I'm going to ignore that, human peep show. Now, I've chewed my weight in Red Man. I've learned my country sayings like, "Ornery" and, "I thought you was 18". Well, as I live and barely breathe in these jeans, I'll be riding the country charts tonight.

Steve: Al, I'm horny what are you gonna do about it?

(a pregnant Peggy is sitting up in bed and wolfing down food) Peggy: Gee Al, I don't know about you, but I'm horny as hell. Al: Well, so am I, but you don't see me bothering you with it, do you?

(Kelly needs Bud's help to read a reminder on her hand) Kelly: (reading her right hand) "The one who... " oh, what's that word there? Bud: (reading) "told, about the Bundy Bounce, was... See Other Hand" Kelly: (He looks at her left hand. She waves hello with it, then sucker-punches him with her right)

Al: (on Peg's pregnancy) God, I feel like Exxon. One spill, I'm paying for it the rest of my life!

(in 17th-century England, Al's great-great-grandfather, Shamus McBundy, is working in his blacksmith's shop) Poxilda: Shamus McBundy, are ye done with me horse? Shamus McBundy: Ah, no, ma'am. I had to send out for extra parts, to reinforce its feet. Yeah, that and a sign to go around his neck saying, "I'm with Fatso."

Poxilda: You save your tongue for picking the flies off the pools that dance beneath your arms! Go to, I'm in an 'urry. Shamus McBundy: Oh? Is it the Festival of Pork Pies and Pigs' Waller you're late for? While you're waiting I got a plump pony out back you can snack on.

Poxilda: You be warned! I am a great and powerful witch! Shamus McBundy: Ah, not as powerful as yon mighty seams in yon dress, to keep yon belly off yon floor!

Poxilda: That's it! I curse thee, Shamus McBundy, and all thy male descendants. Henceforth, ye shall only shoe the large and ungrateful. Shamus McBundy: (sarcastic) Ooh, yikes! Saveth me! Poxilda: And so that ye and all thy male descendants will be hated in this place forever, Lower Uncton shall always be in darkness, though other towns nearby stand in sun. Shamus McBundy: Eh? Will ye be floating above us, blocking the sun? Poxilda: Just for that, throughout eternity your feet will sweat. Aye, and verily smell! (exits, cackling)

Marcy: (imitating Al's caveman ancestors) Me no understand wheel thing. Wanna buy some shoes?

Al: After midnight, we're gonna sell a lot of shoes!

Winston: I'm Winston, I'm your driver, and this is my assistant driver, Igor. Igor: Igor! (aside) You know perfectly well I had my name changed legally. Is it too much trouble to address me as Merrill? Winston: I'll call you Merrill when we're alone, all right? Igor: And when was the last time we were alone, hmm? Winston: Not in front of the Yanks!

Peggy: He's in a suit. Is there a funeral at school today? Bud: Yes. 'Tis the death of Bud Bundy, lonely boy, and the birth of Stud Bundy, only boy. I have a date!

Al: Yep, it's a point of pride. Ever since the day the first Bundy stepped off the Mayflower... halfway over. They never found him, but they recorded his final words: "Methinks we're here!"

Al: (preparing to plunge the toilet) This is a job for Old Betsy. Peggy: Why do all plungers have girls' names, Al? Al: Because the cavemen used to hold their women by the feet for a job like this.

(the radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household) Announcer: In the news: a redheaded woman and her two children attempted to jump from the roof of the Sears Tower this evening. Authorities eventually managed to talk them down, crying hysterically. When asked what her problem was, all the woman said was, "Shoes! He sells shoes!" Al: (enters) I'm home!

Peggy: Which brings us to a little promise you made, just last spring. Al: Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years, now can't we just be friends? Peggy: No. I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you!

(Al has to masquerade as Jefferson by lying next to her in bed; when Amber comes in, Al has to pretend to be asleep while listening to them talk about their periods) Al: (thinking) The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.

(Kelly needs money for her stake in a pool bet; Al zombie-walks into the bar, with gauze taped up the length of both arms) Kelly: Daddy, you look pale. Al: That's because I've been all over town, selling pints of blood to nine blood banks. Jefferson: Al, the body only holds eight pints. Al: That's what they say, but the brain hides some!

Al: (delirious) Hey now, umpire, he's got a horse in his pocket! I need a ruling!

Al: (delirious) Remember, pumpkin, that the fate of not only King Charles, but of the entire Restoration, lies on this shot... this message will self-destruct in five seconds. (faints)

Marcy: (believing her childhood Barbie stolen) Steve, find them! Find them and kill them! No, don't kill them. Bring them to me. I'll kill them. But not at first. First I'll take a hammer, and smash their toes, little to big. Then, if it was a man, and I know it was a man, I'll turn the hammer AROUND!

Bartender: So, where you headed, pal? Al: Oh, I don't know, some place where there's a lot of girls and no women. Bartender: Oh, L.A.!

(Bud asks Kelly for a good pick-up line to use at a wedding) Kelly: Okay, what about this: "Hey, miss, I'm the Keebler Elf! Would you like some free cookies? If you've got the time, I've got the hollow tree." Bud: Yeah, maybe I asked the wrong person. You're used to responding to, "Yo, here!"

Kelly: Oh, okay, you little gibbon. The next time you see a girl, stand on her feet so she can't run. Then you look deep into her eyes and say, "you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and I'd love to share a night of incredible sex with you. No names, no witnesses, no regrets. Come be one with me." Bud: You really think that's better than, "Let's do it. I have my own bedroom in my parents' house"?

Kelly: Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste, and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know, how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys. Bud: Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo. Kelly: They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.

Al: So, Jefferson; how did Marcy react when she found out you hadn't told her you'd been in prison? Jefferson: You know, Al; she was very calm about it. She said she understood and it was in my past and we shouldn't talk about it anymore. Marcy: (Off screen) JEFFERSON D'ARCY! GET YOUR LYIN' CONVICT ASS OVER HERE!

Jefferson: I got a big problem, Al. Marcy hasn't let go of that Barbie doll since I gave it to her. I need you to do me a little favor. (Al pulls a "Big 'Uns" from under the couch) Al: Can I do it while I'm reading the magazine? Jefferson: You know, that magazine still belongs to me until you've paid me for it. Al: What is the favor? Jefferson: I need you to sleep with Marcy. (Al reacts by slapping Jefferson' arm with the magazine) Jefferson: I don't mean *sleep* with her. Just lie next to her so I can have enough time to switch that Barbie with the regular Nurse Barbie. That 'Barbie-phile' we saw at the auction will give me $50,000 and the substitute. It'll just take an hour 'til I make the trade. How about it? Al: But, Jefferson, Peg might wake up and notice me gone, and then it might ruin an otherwise... sickening marriage.

(hiding in a back alley in London) Marcy: Any more bright ideas, Mr A-little-counterfeiting-never-hurt-anyone? Jefferson: As God as my witness, I thought Michael Caine's picture was on the £5 note. Marcy: It's the queen. Jefferson: Just our luck, we run into the one guy who can tell the difference.

Jefferson: Now relax, babe, it's your good fortune to be married to a criminal, and an inveterate liar. I'll come up with a scheme and it's going to have to be pretty special because the British are a bit more sophisticated than the Americans... I've got it. It's brilliant! (Jefferson has Marcy stand perfectly still and hold a sign that says, "Have Picture Taken With Cardboard American")

Kelly: (dressed in a fancy evening gown) How do I look? Bud: Like a limited edition, condom-packin' Barbie.

Bud: Hello, you're on the Virgin Hotline. This is your counselor... Eugene. Kelly: (On phone) Hi, my name is Isis J. Blowupdoll. And my boyfriend, Bud, hasn't been able to keep his hands off me ever since I came out of the box. Now, should I try to stay firm or just explode and go to pieces? Bud: Yeah, very funny, Kel. Don't let me keep you, I'm sure the trucker paid for the WHOLE hour.

Peggy: You haven't liked a single movie I've selected. Al: That's because they all suck. Peggy: Fried Green Tomatoes sucks? All the men: Yes.

Video Retailer: Here are the videos we've held for you: Silence of the Loins and The Joy Slut Club. Marcy: Um, I'm going to take them home... To erase them. Video Retailer: Shall I charge it to your house account?

Bud: I can't believe we're in mourning. Kelly: Well I don't know about you, but here it's the afternoon.

Peggy: Al, don't tell me you're calling the... Al: (On the phone) Police? Peggy: Well at least don't tell them that you're... Al: Al Bundy here. I'd like to report a missing apple. No, not some stupid computer, I'm talking about a fruit. I know it's not a donut, but it's important to me. (to Peg) They're transfering me to the Chief of Stolen Produce. Hello, who is this? Lt Granny Smith? You sound like that Officer Jalopy I talked to when I called to report the Dodge missing... Okay, that's it. I'm calling the mayor. Er, who is the mayor? (Writes down name) "McCheese". Okay you're in trouble now, Buddy, I voted for him. (Hangs up) And they say you can't fight city hall.

Jefferson: Well, for my money, you can't beat a European sports car. Marcy and I are nuts about ours. Rack and pinion steering, four wheel independent suspension, and 310 of the sexiest Euro ponies that ever hurtled a Yankee from 0 to 60 in under 5 seconds. Oh man, what a car. Al: Where is it? Jefferson: It's in the shop. Al: Still? Jefferson, you've had the car five months, it hasn't been off the racks yet. What's wrong with it? Jefferson: They don't know. It's something very sophisticated. Very expensive and very, very Euro. But I'm telling you I am on top of the world with that car. You can ask anybody on the bus how happy I am.

Peggy: Good luck is a-comin'. Al: Does it say anything like: the wife is a-leavin'?

Japanese Businessman: Dodge. American motorcar. (Laughs hysterically) Al: (Slams the door and sits down) You know what the problem is, don't you? Peggy: Sure, the blind don't drive. Al: Too bad the mute don't marry.

Operator Recording: Your selections indicate you own a burnt sienna, mid-century Dodge with over 90,000 miles on it. If this is correct, Press 1. (Al presses 1) Hello, Mr Bundy.

Jefferson: Aw, Cuba. Sultry, seductive Cuba. Where the jungles are easy and the women are easy to hide in. Uh...

Peggy: I bought a new dress. How does it look? Al: I don't know, Peg, I'd have to see it without you in it.

Bud: Dad, I need $700. Al: No problem, we'll sell the house. Of course we'll have to come up with the other $500.

Marcy: Steve, don't tell them about your insane quest to create the 99 cent coin. Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hastle you on the way to your Mercedes. What do you think of it, Al? Al: What about tax? Steve: (after pause) You sound just like those fools in the treasury department. Marcy: Well, Dear, maybe if you hadn't have insisted on putting your picture on the coin. Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you. Marcy: And audit you for five straight years.

(Anthrax is snowed in at the Bundy's) Anthrax Band Member: "Let's get there early," you said. "For once let's be responsible," you said. "The dog won't whiz on the guitar," you said. Anthrax Band Member: I don't think that was the dog, Mr Two-Six-Packs-of-Malt-Liquor.

Ike: I don't mean to rain on anybody's parade, but what makes you think we can get into congress without any credentials? Bob Rooney: Sonny Bono did.

Officer Dan: Jefferson said he could get us in, and you gotta trust a guy who is named after a president. Ike: (to Jefferson) I thought you were named after Sherman Hemsley.

Al: Guys, we're in Washington, let's take advantage of what it has to offer. Griff, check out room service. Ike, fix that TV so we won't have to pay for the porn channel.

Jefferson: Don't you wanna call home and make sure Peg and the kids are okay? Al: Relax, Jefferson, nothing is going to happen. News Reporter: Late word today from Chicago where a simple house party has spread like a virus. It is described as a Woodstock without the music. (the channel is changed) Sexy Woman: Oh Santa, I've been very, very bad.

News Reporter: So to recap, baseball is on strike, hockey is on strike, and Saturday Night Live just won't end.

Jefferson: You copied that from Bugs Bunny. Al: No, Daffy Duck. Jefferson: Bugs. Al: Daffy. Jefferson: Bugs. Al: Daffy. Peggy: Why are you two introducing yourselves to each other?

Al: Brother Jefferson will now read the minutes from our last meeting. Jefferson: 8: 01... 8: 02, 8: 03, 8: 04...

Al: I'd rather slam my nose in a car door. I'd rather have a proctologist named Dr Hook. I would rather watch Roseanne Barr do a striptease than take these little booger machines camping.

Psycho Dad: (Reading Al's letter) "I like you. I really, really like you. No, not in that way. So please don't let them take you off, I beg you, fight this thing like you would fight a varmit or an ex-wife. Your friend, Al; P.S. What does Barbara Eden look like naked?" Jefferson: Barbara Eden? Bob Rooney: She's 1,000. Al: I didn't mean now.

Psycho Dad: (Al had sent in a letter he made by cutting out letters of words in magazines) I'd like to read this letter to you now. "Dear Psycho Dad," spelled S-Y-K-O. Al: You try and find P's and H's in USA Today.

Psycho Dad: Sure the cancellation was a shock. I felt heart, I've been rejected, I thought, "Well, nobody cares anymore about a simple saga of a guy run amuck in the old west." Al: The man's a freaking poet.

Psycho Dad: This letter arrived today. Al: Maybe that's my letter. Psycho Dad: It came "Postage Due". Al: It is my letter.

Al: (Is lying about going ice fishing when his friends are all wearing different outfits) So you see, Peg, after Jefferson gets the deer bait, Griff has to ski it down to the lake where Ike has set up camp. And Bob Rooney scuba dives it into the lake to see which fish are the hungriest, telling Officer Dan so he in turn can smoke signal the information back to me so I can ice fish with utmost confidence. Peggy: Of course. Have a nice time, Boys. Catch a big one, Al. Al: Oh I already have, Peg.

Al: The fuse is lit and the fire is on. Burn, baby, burn.

Al: Yes, yes, yes, I am an American hero. And in the grand tradition of American heroes, I will hawk more products than Bill Cosby... when he was hot.

Al: Officer Dan, where were you last week when I was mugged outside my store? Officer Dan: Where were YOU last week when *I* was mugged outside your store?

Al: Hey, this is my house. I don't let the bank in here and they own the place.

Al: Oh hello, Officer, did you mistake our house for a donut shop? Officer Dan: Obviously not. There's only one of me.

Officer Dan: Hey, aren't you Jerry Springer, the "masculine feminist"? Jerry Springer: Yes, I am. Officer Dan: Tie him back up. I hate that guy.

Kelly: They say all blondes are dumb. But that's just a stereo system.

(the band Anthrax looks into the Bundy's refrigerator which is empty) Anthrax Band Member: Wow, the desolation. Anthrax Band Member: It's not totally empty. There's a Chia Pet in there. Bud: Guys, that's not a Chia Pet. That was a meat loaf. But there's always mom's aluminum foil wrapped mystery pack. (the band grabs the aluminum rapped package and beings eating the contents) Bud: Oh, wow. There're gonna eat the mystery pack. Even Dad won't eat the mystery pack. These guys are cool. Anthrax Band Member: Wow, the colors. The colors. Anthrax Band Member: Is your hump moving? Anthrax Band Member: Ow, it bit me. Anthrax Band Member: If this stuff came out the frige, why is it hot? Anthrax Band Member: I see 50 people now. Let's jam.

(Al answers a knock on his door) Wino #1: Hi, we're a couple of winos. We don't want to drink and drive. Wino #2: So we want to buy Dodge. Here's your $40. Al: $40? It was supposed to be $4,000. Wino #2: Hey, we're not that drunk. (Al slams the door shut)

(Al anwers his front door and sees two mafia-type criminals wanting to buy his Dodge) Criminal #1: Does your trunk leak? (Al slams the door shut)

(Al anwers his front door and sees two Islamic fanatics wanting to buy his Dodge) Fanantic #1: We have no time to haggle. We want car, and directions to Sears Tower. Here's $4,000. (Al slams the door shut)

(the Bundys are in Hollywood for Kelly's TV show) Al: Think about it, fame, fortune all from your TV show. Kelly: Yeah, just think, some day my picture will be hanging on this wall with other exciting TV shows as... (reading the names of the NBS TV show posters) Kelly: Ellen and her Dog; Spike La Bee, New York City School Teacher; Art Alente, PI; Black Cop, White Girl; Me and the Shiksha; The Homeless Detective; Amos and Andrew, the series. (to Al) Daddy, do they have to hang my picture here?

Al: What a nice little town we live in. Neighborhood's burning down, no cops. There's a robbery, no cops. I start my car, here comes the Bundy squad.

Al: Have I gone yet? Bud: No. Al: Then give me a push. (Kelly and Bud shove Al) Now help me up.

Jefferson: Al, have you ever read the book, "The Man is Always Right"? Al: No, the wife wouldn't let me.

Jefferson: What will you tell Peg? Al: Same thing I always tell her: (Checks to make sure Peg is not around) That what I do is none of her damn business.

Beggar: Excuse me, can you spare a few dollars? Al: No, sorry, I gave at the wife.

Bud: Nice to spend these father-son moments together, Dad. Al: Shut up, I'm trying to read. Oh great, this is Japanese. Oh, here we go. Er, 'Achtung hier hat der kab'. These aren't instructions, it's the history of World War Two. Ah. Here it is, er, 'Attention vous avez'. Oh hell. More people we should have killed. Where's American? Er, here it is, here it is. 'Battery check before to put cable on be sure'.

Al: (Assembling a toy car) All right, I put the red terminal in the la conduire. Oh, my friends the French again. Conductor. Why don't they just say "Put the red wire in the hole"? Oh here it is, put the red wire in the hole.

Al: Hurry up, Bud. Never wanted to get married - I'm married, never wanted to have kids - I got two of 'em. How the hell did this happen?

Al: Here, Peg, you go, and have a good time. Peggy: Aww, that's sweet Al, but I can't go without you. My memories of Johnny B Goodes are of us being together. Al: I'm glad to hear you say that Peg, because I had no intention of giving you this ticket.

Al: You be quiet or I'll send you to the bathroom dungeon like Little Bobby.

Al: (When paying the bills) Oh man we're broke, cha cha cha Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha/Living in the gutter, cha cha cha/Early grave, cha cha cha/All right now, everybody - shoot me.

Peggy: Who is loved more than all babies that came before him. Now, since we have limited space, I would like to move that the baby share a room with Daddy and me. We'll just put a crib at the foot of the bed. Al: I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah. I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband. I would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls, than have that little screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed. I've said my piece, thank you. (He sits down, then stands back up) Hail baby.

Al: Twas the night before christmas, and all through the house, / no food was a stirring, not even a mouse. / Stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie, / along with a note that said "presents or die". / Children were plotting all night in their beds, / while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head. / But daddy had money this year in the bank, / then they closed up early, now dad's in the tank. /... and all of a sudden Santa appeared, / a sneer on his face, booze in his beard. / Santa I said as he laughed merrily, / you do so much for others do something for me. / Bundy he said, you only sell shoes, / your son is a sneak-thief, your daughters' a flooze. / Ho Ho Santa said, should I mention your wife, / her hairs like an a-bomb, her nails like a knife. / As he climbs up the chimney, that fat piece of dung, / he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue. / And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee: / you're married with children, you'll never be free.

Al: I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back. / I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack. / I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch. / I've seen her on her stupid couch. / I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. / I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife.

Marcy, Jefferson, Kids: (singing) Bundy the no-man / He's as bald as he can be. With hair in his nose and rot on his toes / He's as bald as he can be; Bundy the no-man / He's as bald as he can be/He's into old age, making minimum wage / He's as bald as he can be.

Al: That was a beautiful, lovely movie. I saw 22 hooters, a bunch of guys were killed, had no story at all. (wipes away a tear) It had... it had everything.

Jefferson: What year did the Cubs last win the World Series? Al: 1908. Peggy: And yet you can't remember the year we were married? Al: Same year, 1908. Only difference is, baseball is still interesting. Peggy: Maybe that's because they score more than once a season.

Peggy: Al, what was I wearing the day we met? Al: Too much make-up.

Al: Hello, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Fire Arms? I have an alcohol question: Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial? I say it was Bubba Smith but I have a friend who thinks it was... Hello?

Jefferson: Who was in the very first Lite Beer commercial? Al: No problem. You're talking beer, you're talking my language. Marcy: You're talking beer, you're talking his belly. Al: (Marcy is wearing a white turtle-neck sweater) Why do I suddenly have an uncontrollable urge to play t-ball?

Bud: Hey, Dad, we heard the sports bar is opening the same night as the Jeffersons tour. (Stifling laughter) Which one are you going to? (Laughs) Al: Ha ha ha. Kids, you wanna do ol' Dad a favor before he kills ya?

Bud: Mom was so convinced I was Dad that she picked my pocket during the scene change. Kelly: What are you complaining about? At least you didn't get a hickey.

Marcy: It's the Jeffersons Movin' On Up Tour. Bud: Was the Facts of Life Eatin' On Up Tour all sold out?

Al: Well gee, this was fun. What next? We go back in time to the night I should have been conceived and watch my father invent the condom? Angel: No more time travel for me, it gives me the runs.

Angel: I'll never get my wings now. And you know what kind of girl you get up in Heaven driving around in a '78 Pinto? The same kind of girl you get down here driving around in a '78 Pinto.

Peggy: I knew it would pay to breast feed you until you were 9. You need any money, dear? Bud: Oh no. I could never take any money from you. You and father have given me the best gift of all: the gift of life. Al: Would he feel it if I kicked him? Angel: No, but for a little extra cash, I could give him your dog's face. Al: Would you take an I.O.U? Angel: Not from you.

Maray the Couch Maker: My name is Maray, Maray! Kelly: How do you spell that? Maray the Couch Maker: M-A-R-*Y*. Kelly: Okay, how do you spell "Mary"? Maray the Couch Maker: M-*A*-R-Y.

Al: Now who wants to hear about the red-headed Grinch who stole Uncle Al's life?

Peggy: And what would you like for Christmas, Bud? Baby Bud: Playboys, hooters. Playboys, hooters. Peggy: Aw, his first words.

Peggy: So Al... I, uh, notice you're not burdened down with presents for your loving family. Are they, uh, in the car? Al: Well, no. Bud: Are they, uh, being delivered? Al: No. Kelly: Are they... invisible? (Al, Peg and Bud stare oddly at Kelly) Well, you guys get to ask the good questions. If for once you'd let me go first, I would've asked if they were being delivered...

Angel: I'm a guardian angel. (takes out a note from his coat pocket) As matter of fact, I'm looking for, uh... (looks at his note) an Al Bundy. Do you know an Al Bundy? Al: I'm Al Bundy. (the angel eyes Al for a moment, then looks up at the sky) Angel: (hollering towards the sky) Nooooooooooo. Could you stop playing Nintendo up there for a minute? What kind of a mess have you got me into? What have you done to me? (the angel breaks into tears and buries his face in Al's chest) Al: There, there, buddy. How 'bout I go get my gun and shoot you with a nice silver bullet? Would you like that, buddy?

Kelly: Daddy, what's wrong with Buck? Al: Well, now kids, come here. I never thought I'd be having this conversation, because frankly I didn't think I'd still be alive on this, my 40,000th anniversary... but it's time we all face facts: Buck's getting old. Kelly: Is he gonna die? Al: (looking at the bill) Yes.

Al: But much like a 'roid, they come back with a vengeance. That's one thing I learned from my first 800 years of marriage.

Jefferson: Diamond necklace? Al: All part of my master plan to avoid having sex with the wife. See, first I take her to Denny's. She stuffs herself so full of popcorn shrimp, she lists to one side. And just before she's ready to belch "I love you," I lay this on her. Between the combination of shrimp, necklace - and the Nike wall mickey I'll be slipping in her piña colada - she'll be unconscious, I'll be home watching midget wrestling, and the only hand down my pants will be my own.

Marcy: Oh, Peggy, I don't know what to do. Steve is an unfeeling cur. As you know, my sainted Aunt Tuney passed away. Steve: Sainted, my foot. She used to pay for sailors. Marcy: She was sixty-seven and they wouldn't come for free. Any... Anyway, I was her favorite, and the honor of caring for her sainted ashes fell to me. Steve: And the horrible cross to bear of caring for her hundred thousand dollars fell to her cats.

Steve: Thank you, Al, we'll be glad to come. What can we bring? Al: Well, just the plates, and some food, and some beers and leave the rest to us. Oh, this is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family, good food, and good friends. (reality dawns on Al) Oh, God. What a charade. (Al breaks down crying)

Gunther: I was getting kind of bored out there so I took some pictures. (hands Kelly framed wall pictures) Gunther: This one is from the house across the street. Buck: Where the hell does she find these guys?

Bud: (the couch has been torched) If we're going to get a new couch, we need a picture of the old one. Kelly: Good idea. You're a genius. (Takes a picture of the torched couch) Now what? Bud: Now we send this to Ripley's, along with your picture. I meant a picture BEFORE the fire.

Kelly: Bud, Mom and Dad are coming home tomorrow. Is there any way that I can talk you into taking full blame for this? Bud: Sure. If you can get me a woman who won't say no. Kelly: So there's no way.

Kelly: Oh please let this be easy. Please, please, please. Jefferson: This is not going to be easy.

Jefferson: This may come as a surprise to you, but your couch wasn't exactly a popular item. Bud: How many were made? 1,000? 500? Jefferson: Two. Kelly: How many did they sell? Jefferson: One. Kelly: Great. Then all we have to do is find the one they sold. How hard could that be? Bud: (Giving Kelly a look) Boy when your looks go, you're dead. You're dead.

Gunther: (after torching the Bundy couch) Kelly, I cannot help but feel that in some small way this is my fault.

Bud: Dad, you want me to take the bag to the car? Al: No, she can walk.

Bud: Hey Dad, can I order the geek around? Al: (Putting an arm around Peg) No, marry your own.

(In Al's fantasy) Minister: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? Al: Do I look that stupid to you?

Gunther: So, wanna fool around on the couch? Kelly: Relax, we've got hours. Bud really thinks I'm shooting a commercial. Gunther: What a Mormon.

Kelly: (At a Jeffersons stage show) Where's the guy that says, "Dyno-Mite."? Bud: No, you're thinking of that other show, "Gimme A Stroke".

Kelly: (the couch has been torched) If Mom finds out about this, it could kill her. Bud: Kel, don't you think you're exaggerating just a little? Kelly: (the phone rings; Kelly answers) Hello? Peggy: Is my couch okay? Kelly: Your couch? Why yes, it's fine. It's lovely. Why do you ask? Peggy: Well the funniest thing happened: for no reason, my rear end suddenly got warm.

Al: Peg, "To Serve Man"... It's a cook book.

Marcy: I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports. Al: You gonna neuter him too?

Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do. Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes. Al: Yes, Ma'am.

Al: You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us? (sits on the couch next to Steve) It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and say to ya, "What are you thinking?" and you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know I'd be talking." (Al laughs) But you can't actually say that to 'em or else they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, P.M.S. thing, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that P.M.S. stands for "Pummels Men's Scrotums." Does your wife buy you juice, Steve?

Bud: Dad, why is Mrs Rhoades wearing a towel? Al: Bud, do you want to hear a long, boring story about a short, boring woman or do you want your car fixed?

Al: I'm going to take my tools, which I paid for, and celebrate in the garage which I'm still paying for.

Peggy: Gee, Al, uh, think you could slow down? My hair is just whipping in the wind. (to Bud and Kelly) He's not scaring you, is he, kids? (Bud puts his hand to his ear) Bud: (with sarcasm) Sorry, Mom, I couldn't hear you over the 'roar' of the engine. Kelly: Come on, leave Daddy alone. I mean, how could he possibly know there would be a TRAFFIC JAM on LABOR DAY? (Kelly looks at Al accusingly) Al: (trying to stay calm) Shut up.

Peggy: Al, we have not moved an inch in two hours. Al: Peg, I can hear that in our bedroom. Now just shut up and let me enjoy myself. Peggy: I could hear that in our bedroom too, honey.

Al: Ah, I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me, Peg. (sounding very forced) Al: Yep, this is my vacation, and I'm a-having fun. (inhales deeply) Al: I'm loving this. Al: (There is a short pause, then Al stops smiling and starts vigorously honking the horn; with frustration) Move! Move! I can't take anymore! Oh God, you're killing me! (honking some more) Move! Move! (Al buries his head in the wheel)

Jefferson: My uterus hurts.

Marcy: What's your'n is your'n and what's our'n is our'n.

Al: I warn you, when this is all said and done, you, Sir, will owe me an apple and an apology. And so will your husband.

Al: Peg, you can nag, you can cry, you can whinny, bleat and moo, but I am never selling the Dodge. (the next day) Jefferson: Finally selling the Dodge, huh Al? Al: Yeah, it's like giving up one of your children but none of the joy.

Jefferson: So how's your ad coming? Al: Done. Here. (Al hands Jefferson the notepad) Jefferson: (reading ad) "Used car of indeterminate year. Forced to sell by used wife, also of indeterminate year." $4,000? Al: What? You don't think I can get $4,000? Jefferson: I don't think you can get dollars.

Peggy: (Answering phone) Hello, Al? Is that you? Al: (Driving the Dodge in the desert) Hello, Peg. I'm here in Burnt Scrodum, New Mexico. And guess what: I'm over a thousand miles, babe. I'm gonna drive till I hit another million. Peggy: Then you'll be home, Al? Al: Then I'll be home, and the Viper will be mine. Do you hear me? Mine, I tell you. Mine. Mine.

Bill Ellis: Mr Bundy, I'm Bill Ellis from the Dodge corporation. We just need to verify a couple of things about your ad. Al: Listen, I know what you're going to say, but it wasn't my fault. I clearly told them seat, comma, then belts. Bill Ellis: Oh, that's not important. Al: I didn't think so either. Come on in.

Bill Ellis: (to Peg) Hello Ma'am. (to Al) Bill Ellis: Is it true she's gone over 999,000 miles? (Al looks at Peg) Peggy: He means the car, you wildebeest.

Peggy: Thank your father, Kids. Bud, Kelly: (sourly) Thanks, Dad.

Officer Dan: Somebody call the police? We got a call about a shooting. Al: I did, but I lied. See, I need someone to guard the Dodge, and a cop is cheaper than a Doberman. Officer Dan: (to criminal, unlocking his cuffs) Excuse me, I may need both hands to pound this guy to hash. But if you ever take a shot at my partner again, you're going in.

Al: Uh, kids - or should I say, "lackeys of the Red Devil"- I need your help. The Dodge is in trouble. Kelly: So? Who hasn't been? Al: Come, my children, and Kelly, to the garage. We'll guard the Dodge. We proud Bundys three will guard against those who will pillage and plunder and joyride in the Dodge.

Bud: Do we get to drive the Viper? Al: No. Bud: Why should we help you guard the Dodge, then? Al: Because we're family, dammit. Bud: So are the Jacksons. Good night.

Kelly: (Al in the Dodge had accidentally rolled out of the garage) How did he finally stop? Jefferson: Well, luckily, there was a brand new, foreign car parked outside, which had finally been fixed but never driven. Marcy: Well I guess it's good to get that first broadside out of the way.

Al: Now a little music to help pass the time. Radio: (singing) And that's when my hound dog started looking good to me. Al: Ah, who was the genius who let West Virginia become a state?

Bud: (after checking the mailbox on Valentine's Day) Damn you! Damn you all! Damn this whole damn world!

Kelly: We wouldn't be having this problem if we had used a see-saw. Bud: We wouldn't be having this problem if Dad had used a condom.

Al: Look, Kids, that picture is worth a thousand condom commercials.

Al: When I think of the PAIN and the SUFFERING that I had to go through for you to be conceived. You should be ashamed for betraying your family this way.

Peggy: Wanker County was originally called "Olbie Wooba Possum Watamee" which means, "Land of the Big Gassy Possum". Al: Which explains why Disney has no interest in putting a theme park there.

Al: Oh, Peg, look, Car-Bras. Peggy: The Dodge does not need a Car-Bra. Al: Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom. (Al holds the box up) Look, it's even in her size: "Astro Van".

Al: Now, this is ridiculous. Somewhere in this carwash is a Dodge with my name on it. (Al walks out to look for his car and the others remain) Peggy: Gee, I didn't know they made a Dodge Loser.

Psycho Dad: Yes, quit. Quit, apologize, and renounce forever the character of Psycho Dad. If this is the kind of following that I inspire, then I'm afraid I must stop leading. However, since the network's offering me big bucks, be sure to watch me in my new show: "Lefkowitz: Special Education Teacher's Aid". Thank you. And to you, Al: goodbye, and, uh, get help. Ike: I can't believe Psycho Dad would sell us out. Al: That's not Psycho Dad talking. He doesn't use words like "character" or "education" or "Lefkowitz". He's been brainwashed by people like Marcy and her do-gooders. Well, we've got to think of something. Griff: Use the power of our giant manly brains? Al: No, that'll take too long.

Bud: Dad, you can't put a dog outside in the middle of winter. It's inhumane. Al: No Bud, inhumane would be to force him to work at a shoe store for minimum wage and then have him come home to a red-headed Shih Tzu.

Marcy: What did Peggy give you, Al? Al: Irregularity... and (refers to Bud and Kelly) these two.

Peggy: Al, get rid of those kids. Al: If I knew how to do that we wouldn't have ours. (Al opens the door and announces to the kids) Okay everybody, boys and girls, and you Tony. Santa's okay. Now he just had a little bit of Mrs Bundy's cooking and he's in the bathroom bent over, but he's going to be fine, so go home.

Al: (dressed as Santa) No, no, Nestor. Despite what your mother says, Mr Bundy doesn't sprout a tail at midnight. But, here's a special Christmas gift for Daddy; tell him to come home for lunch some day around when Mr Mailman's there with his special delivery for Mommy. That'll be a real Yuletide treat for old dad. Nestor: But what do I get? Al: A new home, and a fresh new Mommy. Ho-ho-ho!

Al: Well, they're gone. All dead guys and non-relatives out. Bud: So long, Kel. Kelly: Yeah, like they really intended to have you. Peggy: Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't plan on.

Peggy: OK, he's gone. Now for Daddy's present. Bud, run upstairs and get a tie out of Daddy's closet. Kelly: I'll get a box. Peggy: Oh, no, no, no, wait. It's Christmas, we should make it special for him - Bud, get one of his shirts too. (excitedly) Oh gosh, I just love Christmas.

Bud: (Filming with camcorder) Ready, Dad. (Al and Peggy enter) Al: I'm entering. Widen, widen. Did you get your Mother in the picture? Bud: Yeah, Dad. Al: Rewind.

Al: I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is "I want this.", "Get me this.", "I have to have this."... and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho, ho, ho," all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy.

Peggy: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year? Bud: Five bowls a-flushing? Peggy: Four 'roids a-throbbing? Kelly: Three nose hairs waving? Bud: Two children starving? Peggy: (singing) One un-touched wife.

Al: Hey, don't kid yourself, I've got plenty of money saved up - (looks at Peg) Whoops. Well, it doesn't matter, you're not getting any. I'm gonna get me a Big Boy Socket Wrench Set. Man, it's gonna be great. I'll around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in high school.

Al: Once my kids leave the house, I'll finally be able to do what every man is supposed to. I can watch TV. I can... well, I don't know but it doesn't matter. It's still better than having a screaming, crapping, money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the graveyard. God I feel good. Peggy: Honey? Al: Yes? Peggy: Guess what? Al: What? Peggy: I'M PREGNANT TOO. Marcy: How far along are you? Peggy: Five months. Al: Five months? Peggy: Al, didn't you notice that I was getting fat? Al: Well... yeah.

Marcy: Well, at least I have no complaints. My Jefferson can't do enough for me. Would you believe it? Right now he is out getting me a pie. Sometimes he is so good to me it just brings tears to my eyes. (Jefferson enters, carrying a pie) Jefferson: Well. Here it is. I drove fifty miles holding it up so the cherries wouldn't settle on the bottom. (He presents the pie to Marcy) Marcy: This is not a large. Is this all you think of me? Is this all you think of your child? Well, you just march yourself right back to Wisconsin and get another pie, mister, or you don't love our baby. (She starts crying) Jefferson: (Reluctantly leaves) OK, honey, I'll be right back with another pie. (he goes out the door) You stinkin', flamin'... (trails off)

Jefferson: We were being so nostalgic that I... bought a '65 Mustang. Marcy: You bought a '65 Mustang? When are you going to get a job to drive it to? Jefferson: I look in the papers, it's just that by the time I get up all the good jobs are taken.

Al: Where you can look at a thigh and blacken an eye, at the Nudie Bar. Where the beer gives you gas but the Bundys kick ass... at the Nudie Bar.

Winston: There's Parliament. Bundys: (bored) Great. Winston: Tower Bridge. Bundys: (bored) Great. Winston: Oh, look, Buckingham Palace. Bundys: (bored) Great. Winston: And that's Trafalgar Square. Bundys: (bored) Great.

Bud: (in England) Hey look, a McDonald's. Al: Peg, quick, get the camera.

Bud: Dad, it's an airport. Al: Yep, only this time we're not dressed like Hare Krishnas.

Winston: Are there any more male Bundys? Bud: Women wish there were.

Bud: Dad. I got a problem. (sits on the couch with Al) I, er, I did something really stupid. Al: Oh, Son. You didn't... marry, did you?

Bud: I know what I did was wrong and I should be punished. Al: Yes you should. But how? Kelly: I say we put him in a sack and drop him off the Sears Tower. Al: Where the hell am I going to get a sack?

Bud: (after Amber slips upstairs and gives Bud a seductive look) Dad, whatever you do, just don't send me to my room. Especially for a whole week. That would kill me. Al: (after short pause) You go to your room. For one week. Bud: You're a cruel, but fair man. (runs)

Al: Oh oh oh, no. That's why we have cable, Peg. You can see the best and never leave your house... (switches on the TV) watch. TV Announcer: Tonight: Tom Selleck in Mr Baseball. Then John Goodman is King Ralph. But first, Wings. Al: I'll drive.

Peggy: Oh, how about this: Four Weddings and a Funeral. Al: That's kinda like five of the same thing, isn't it? Hey. How about... (shows the case to Peggy) Wrestlemania Bloopers. Peggy: You could have taped our honeymoon for that.

Peggy: Dieselhead. A man and a monster truck exchange brains? Al: Like Emilio Estevez would make a bad movie?

Bud: I'm sorry about that, Dad. I just haven't slept much 'cause I'm studying for a scholarship. The test is tomorrow and if I ace it, I'll get to study at Oxford. You have heard of Oxford? Al: Heard of it? Hell, I've been selling them for years.

Al: Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil? Bud: (on phone) Hi, Mom.

Marcy: Guess what? We're going to have a new addition to our family. Al: Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch?

Peggy: Am I in Hell? Al: No, Peg, if you were in Hell then you'd be sitting on a throne and the devil would be packing.

Al: Peg, you know I'm not one to beat around the bush, unless, of course, you're in it. So I'll make this fast. Peggy: Like you know any other way.

Kelly: Mom's cooking? I'm going to call the doctor. Al: (Raises a hand to stop Kelly) Touch that phone, I'll kill ya.

Kelly: Hey, Mom needs one of those guys, you know, the ones that make you take your clothes off when you go into their office. Bud: The Principal?

Al: Kids, now that we've retrained Mommy, I've come up with a plan that will maximise her productivity. There are three of us. And Mommy can only work 24 hours a day. Kelly: Why? Al: (Ignoring her; to Bud) There are 2 of us.

Jefferson: OK, Al. I'm here. (sniffing the air) Hey, hey. Do I smell... food? Al: (walking over to him) Jefferson, my man, I've got more food stuck in my teeth than my colon's seen in many a year. Jefferson: Thanks for sharing that, Al. Al: Oh, I'm not sharing it.

Marcy: Peggy, I say this with love. (pauses) You're the laziest bitch in Chicago.

Bud: She really didn't tell you anything? Jimmy: No. Bud: I mean, not even that this guy was the best she ever had? That he was good? Or at least even better than a really tight pair of pants? Jimmy: Nah, she said it really wasn't worth mentioning. Bud: That bitch.

Peggy: Question two. Who would you rather spend the night with? A - your wife, or B... Al: B.

Al: All right, listen. We've got two young, eager boys hanging around us. You know what that makes us? Griff: Michael Jackson?

Al: Oh, what, you wanna rub it in, huh? Well, that's fine. Because firing me was the best thing you could've done. 'Cause I have a better job now, with more responsibility. And a big hat, too. So you can take your shoe store job and shove it because I have something that's even more important. My self respect. Gary: You can have your job back. Al: (desperately relieved) Thank you. Thank you.

Marcy: Shove the fruitcake, you bitch.

Steve: Uh, hi Peggy; uh, Al. Hope we're not interrupting anything. Al: Naaaah, just going to have a little sex with the wife. What the heck, there's always next month.

(Al's attention is directed towards the T.V) Kelly: Daddy, do you notice anything different about me? Al: No, son. Kelly: Daddy, it's Kelly. Al: Well, tell her to come in.

(after finding out that the Barbie doll Jefferson got for Marcy is worth $50,000) Al: Jefferson, $50,000. Well, what are we going to do? Jefferson: *We*... (takes the doll from Al) Jefferson: say 'goodbye' to you, and catch a plane to Aruba.

(Al answers the door after Marcy furiously knocks) Al: Hey, Marcy, I thought I heard some pecking. Marcy: Outta my way, Swamp Gas. Al: That's *Mr.* Swamp Gas to you.

Al: Now, son, you've got two choices: you can get out, or, you can get the hell out.

(Al, posing as Jefferson, is lying next to Marcy in bed) Marcy: Jefferson, rub my back. (Al hesitantly moves his hand toward her) Marcy: That's my chest.

(after finding out that Peg threw away his issue of "Big 'Uns") Al: (whining) Peg, I want my Big 'Uns.' Peggy: Oh, honey. You want Big 'Uns?' I'll give you Big 'Uns.' Al: No, I said Big 'Uns,' not Those 'Uns.'

(at Christmas time the doorbell rings) Peggy: Who could that be? Al: Oh, Great. With my luck, probably an elf with a knife in his back.

(the coroner is stopped from removing the dead body of Santa Claus by a group of children outside the Bundy's front door) Coroner: Uh-oh. Al: What's wrong now? The Easter Bunny hang himself in my front yard?

Ralph: Uh oh. I'm out of gas. Kelly: Aren't you supposed to turn the car off before you say that? Ralph: What's the difference? We both know I'm not out of gas. Kelly: Very nice, now we both do. Ralph: (shuts off engine) God, I hate women. All right, uh oh, I'm out of gas. Kelly: For real?

Al: Someone stole my Dodge. Marcy: Well it's your own fault for leaving it out front on garbage day. I'll bet somebody took it to start a new limousine service. You know, for those people who can't quite afford the luxury of Greyhound. Jefferson: Or maybe they'll use it as a pace car in the Garbage Man 500.

Kelly: Here's a Mercedes for 50K's. You don't even need money. I happen to have some spare K's from those letters they sent home from school saying, "Kelly is an idiot". Who's the idiot now? Al: (Overwhelmed) Peg. Peggy: That's great news, Honey. Why don't you run up and get those K's? Kelly: You betcha and Bud, you can help too. You can probably get one out of the paper because there's always one in there about President Clinton and his cat. Bud: And the current controversy over campaign contribution. Kelly: Wow. What a veritable cornucopia of K's.

Jefferson: They pay you for what's in the car as well. Now what did you have in the trunk? Al: Parts of the carburetor left over from when I took it apart, a salami that I was aging. Jefferson: No, Al, you tell them you had jewelry, paintings, cash. Al: AND a salami. Jefferson: Follow me, Al: *two* salamis. Al: I think I'm starting to get your drift. I think I had a loaf of bread in there too.

Bud: Dad, this is kind of illegal. Al: Gee that's right, I guess I should rethink the whole thing. Little sissy. Bud: I mean, insurance companies have been ripping us off for years. Maybe we should get our fair share, right?

Marcy: You could really use the money, Al. I mean it should be your choice to walk around with green teeth and yellow underwear. Or some times visa versa.

Al: But how am I gonna tell this insurance guy that I forgot to say I had all that stuff? Jefferson: Tell him you had a lot on your mind. How would they know it's as empty as your trunk? Al: You're right. He doesn't know I'm an idiot.

Al: (Driving a new Mercedes; pulls up beside another driver) Pardon me, have you any Grey Poupon?

Bud: Why are you watching Spanish television? Kelly: Spanish? I thought they were just English words I didn't know.

Peggy: Liar? You know, no one has ever called me that in all my 24 years. Oh come on, it's not like it's your money. Hello? (Hangs up) Boy, you file one multi-million dollar claim and all that good neighbor crap just flies out the window.

Kelly: Dad, can we go for a ride in the new Mercedes? Al: Well Pumpkin, I don't have the new Mercedes anymore. See, when I took it back to ask for a free fill up, they had the nerve to ask me when I was gonna buy the damn thing. Like I'd buy a foreign car. If I'm gonna cheat somebody, it's gonna be an American company. So kids, who wants to take a ride in my new loaner: a Lincoln Town Car?

Al: Who Cares? It's Free.

Peggy: Bud, how many times do I have to tell you, don't play with your food or I'm gonna give it to the dog. And if the dog plays with it, I'm gonna give it to your father.

Peggy: This is just their starting offer. Go bargain with him. Bud: No, we don't want Dad to negotiate. He's a moron. Al: I am. I am a moron. What should I do? Kelly: Just remember the old saying, "A bird in the hand is worth a foot in the tush". Al: What are you saying? Kelly: I don't know.

Al: What should I do? Peggy: Negotiate. Bud: Take the money. Kelly: Buy a vowel.

Kelly: Mom, I'm so excited. Me and Larry Storch on stage together. Tonight, I become a lesbian. Peggy: No, I think you mean a thespian. Bud: Yeah, well the reviews aren't in yet.

(Al comes home from work) Al: All right that's it, I've had it. I'm sick of coming home, seeing you holding down the couch, watching Oprah, and stuffing your face full of bon-bons. Now, you either get your lazy ass into the kitchen and cook me a meal, or get out. (Jefferson is sitting on the couch in place of Peggy) Jefferson: Come on, Al. Marcy won't take me back until I have a job. If you kick me out too, where will I go? Al: Don't know, don't care.

Al: Now, we're not getting a computer. Computers are ruining the country. Computers and women. Peggy: Yes, and they're quite similar, Al, because you don't know how to turn on either one. Al: I'm not interested in either one.

Al: This is like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Except I'm married to the giant squid.

Bud: Curse you. I curse you to your worst nightmare, an eternity of being together... and you can't leave the bedroom... and Grandma's there... and she's out of Depends. Kelly: Bud. Bud: What? Kelly: Mom and Dad just left us alone. Alone, with no parental supervision. (Bud thinks about this for a second) Bud: And stay out. Yes, finally alone. Free, free to run amuck. (Bud rubs his hands) Oh the hooters I'll be a-juggling. Kelly: Yeah well, don't hurt your hand on the staples.

Activist #1: Hey mister, sign this petition and save the trees. Al: Who cares? Activist #2: Hey mister, sign this petition to save the world from nuclear holocaust. Al: Who cares? (a man named Doug mans another table) Doug: Hey buddy, they're gonna raise our beer tax two cents. Al: Oh my God. Well, this has to be stopped.

Marcy: All right... well, would you consider the plight of the speckled songbird? To preserve it's melodious tone, we must protect this area from further development. Al: So those little bastards can sit outside my window and sing all night and I don't get no sleep?

Bud: Dad, who's our real father? Al: Well, about a thousand blood tests say it's me.

Steve: I used to be like you, Al. Well, not *just* like you, I mean, I cared about personal hygiene, and had change for a dollar. But I too doubted the computer. No longer, Al. The computer can be your friend. Especially on those long nights when your wife isn't talking to you 'cause she can't fold a stinking napkin.

Shannon Tweed: So the next time you want to see me in a hot tub, you rent my upcoming straight-to-video classic, Ernest Pays for Sex. And don't forget to rewind.

Kelly: Hi, Daddy. How're you feeling? Al: Well, let's see... (He takes the thermometer out of his mouth and looks at it) Al: Ah-ha, I'm dead.

Al: You got Psycho Dad back on the air? You better not be kidding or you're gonna have to outrun the Dodge. Buck: Rush Limbaugh can outrun the Dodge.

Al: Ah, it's just my stinking luck. It's a re-run. Kelly: Re-run? Al: Yeah, yeah, I recognize this episode. This is the part where he's gonna shoot his wife, she ducks and he accidentally kills president Lincoln instead. Damn women.

Al: Here we are, boys. City of brotherly love. Jefferson: No, that's Philadelphia. Al: Well, what's Washington? Officer Dan: A team without a quarterback.

Bud: What company? Lite? Kelly: No, Ice Hole. Bud: I was just asking, slut.

Al: Why, Marcy? Marcy: Because Psycho Dad was the most violent program on TV. Did you know that they portrayed an average of 84 killings per one-hour show? Al: Well, a man's gotta re-load...

Al: You know who was a good woman? Veronica from Archie Comics. Veronica never had a period.

Al: (Peg, Marcy and Kelly are menstruating) All three at once? What do they do, give it to teach other?

Al: All right, have a two minute break. (They break up the circle and put down their signs) Ike: How long have we been here? Al: Counting the break? Two and a half minutes.

Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal: Hi. This is Miranda VeraCruz de la Jolla Cardinal, and we are here live outside the studios of WHBZ, where some sort of pro-violence demonstration was supposed to be held. But the only evidence we could find is a crumpled copy of Penthouse magazine, and the name Al mysteriously written in the snow. So, once again, it seems the joke's on me. Ha ha ha ha ha. This is Miranda VeraCruz de la Jolla Cardinal, saying: I'd have that anchor job by now, if I had just slept with Peter Jennings instead of Andy Rooney.

Peggy: Oooh, look, "It's A Wonderful Life". Al: Peg, I hate this movie. Peggy: How can you hate "It's A Wonderful Life"? Al: Because it's a horrible life. You know the reason they never made a sequel? Because when the guy came back he killed himself. And this time he took that angel with him. This must be written by a woman. This stinks, it bites, it blows. But if you wanna watch it, Peg...

Kelly: (about a juke box) Well, we can take it upstairs and hide it in one of our rooms? Bud: Oh, no problem. Just let me eats me spinach first.

Al: (showing Marcy a check) Because the name on this check says "Al Bumby". (looks closer at the check) Al Bumby? Well, that's not important. What's important is that I can cash it - maybe - because I earned it, and that's the bottom line.

Steve: It's not just a car, honey - it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior. Marcy: (looking troubled) Steve, where did you learn to talk like that? Steve: Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

Al: Hello? Dr Mustang. You got the ornament? (to Peg) He got the little horse. Peggy: (sarcastically) Yee-ha. Al: (on the phone) You got yourself a deal. I'll send the check in the morning. Best to Mrs Mustang.

Al: Uh, Peg, maybe you didn't hear me. I said I failed my written test. Peggy: Well, I didn't say I was proud of you. Kelly: And Mom, Dad got another ticket for a broken tail-light and one for driving without a license. Peggy: (with sarcasm) Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Now I'm proud of you.

Al: Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work. Bud: That's my bike. I reported it stolen. Al: Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

Al: No, this too: right now your daddy's a little irritated, because you cost your daddy 500 freaking dollars, but more important than that - well, not more important than that but as important - you've showed me how little you care. So tomorrow, when I go to get my license... Kelly: Who's taking you, Dad? Al: I'll crawl on my face. When I come home, your daddy is not going to give you anything: not a smile, no money, no food... I'm not going to lift a finger to help any of you and I don't expect any of you to lift a finger to help me. From now on, we have a new Bundy rule: every man for himself.

Kelly: At the beginning of the last meeting I suggested we have no more meetings. It was seconded by Bud, my brother, and Dad, my daddy. We stared dully at Mom and then were forced into a chorus of "We Love The Baby." Then Mom left to pee, and Dad suggested that we play a lethal round of "How Fat Is She?" (Al lifts his head, worried, and Peg glares at him) Dad guessed 415lbs. We all laughed, and Dad said "Don't write this down, Pumpkin." That concludes my report.

Bud: Dad said no candles this year, because of last year's little mishap. Kelly: Hey, I just thought that Roman candles meant that they were imported. You know, from Romany.

Al: Peg. Sell the house. Peggy: Why, Al? Did you see a shirt somewhere you like? Al: Yes. It said, "Congratulate Me, Wife's Dead".

Al: (ironically) Oh no, that's my pleasure Peg, even though my rates will skyrocket (to Kelly) because you're underage and I'm paying a special rate for (glances at Peg) the bumper-car queen over here... Kelly: (smiling emotionally) Well, I know why you don't want me to drive and it's not the insurance. Your little girl is growing up and you can't bear to let her go, huh? (Kelly wraps her arms around Al) Al: No, it's the insurance.

Peggy: (writing) Saturday, eleven p.m.: make love. 11: 05: Al goes to sleep. 11: 06: Finish making love.

Al: Hey, Steve? (chuckles) You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light. Steve: Well, I warned you, Al. Al: (chuckling) Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Steve: (looking through the booklet) Ooh, these tests are brutal. Ooh, here's one they'll never get me on again: how many feet in advance do you have to signal before making a turn in a business or residential area? Al: Who cares? Steve: A cop in a business or residential area.

(Amber walks out the front door and passes Al, who's coming in) Al: Cute girl. What happened? Wrong house?

Al: I'm offering you a membership to No Ma'am, Chicago's most exclusive men's club. And with the membership comes - hold on to your green card - luxury boxes at Wrestlemania, free use of a classic Dodge - when it's working, and a key to the Big 'Uns reading room in my garage - when we get the bowl unclogged.

Al: What has he got that I don't have? We're both virile men in the prime of our lives. Except he's not saddled with a lazy wife, worthless kids, prostate like a melon and worst of all, I sell women's shoes.

Woman #1: You never buy us shoes. Ramon: Do I not leave the curtain open when I change? Woman #2: That's not shoes. We want to work out next to the shoe guy. Al: Formerly known as Al. Oh and I was just joshing about that melon thing.

Ramon: You shoe salesmen, you're so lucky. How do you do it? Al: Well, Ramon, you see since the dawn of time, women and shoes have gone together like alcohol and fire arms. Sure we men of the foot might have a slight PR problem, but once you've tried shoe you never go back. Who loves you, baby? (Turns around and falls out the window;crashes)

Al: "Hondo", Peg... John Wayne's best movie... it only comes on once every 17 years. Oh Peg, please let me watch "Hondo".

Peggy: Al, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell ya, now I know how Hillary feels.

Al: Don't worry, Peg, I'm not gonna be having a good time. I'll just see what I can in the dark. Peggy: Uh, like during sex? Al: No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.

Man: My wife and I put a penny in it every time we make love. (smiles) We're like rabbits. Al: Good. On Easter I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off.

Checker: That'll be $753.84. (the old lady pulls up a cart with two very large jars filled with coins) Old Lady: Every time my husband and I make love...

Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal: This is the bravest thing this reporter has seen since Bill said, "Hillary, I beg to differ".

Al: Hey, uh, hey, lady, you know, "Hondo" is coming on pretty soon. You know, it's a story about the Wild West. You remember the Wild West, don't you? Old Lady: (shouting) Aren't you that mean shoe salesman at the mall?

Al: (smiling) Well, age before beauty. Old Lady: (sweetly) Thank you, Beauty. Al: (dejectedly) You're welcome, Age.

Al: Make way. Voters coming through. Family, breathe the democracy. (they all take a deep breath and sigh, satisfied) This is where it all happens. Yes, in a dry cleaner like this they elected Washington and Lincoln. And (turns around at a round table where this volunteer sits) , they signed the Declaration of Independence. And from the looks of her, she was probably there to see it. Peg, get a picture of me and Betsy Ross here.

Volunteer: (At a voting booth) Is this your first time? (Bud's smile fades) Bud: Are you kidding? Why does everyone look at me and just assume I'm a virgin? 'Cause I'm not. Could a virgin tell you the name and the last book read by every Playboy centerfold in the last ten years? I've been there and back, baby. I know the female body like I know my own hand.

Jefferson: This is my wife. (shows Fidel a picture of Marcy) Fidel Castro: You married the kid from Home Improvement? Jefferson: (studies the picture) I guess I did. Oh well, she buys me things.

Al: Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me. Peggy: Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either.

Bud: Gee, Dad, Mom left teeth marks all over your neck. Al: No, son, that was me, I tried to sever my own jugular. Damn clotting.

Bud: Okay, I'll let you go, but you've gotta promise to give me a head start. (Bud removes the wire from Al's neck) Al: Sure, Son, what do you think I'm gonna do? Hunt you down like a dog and kill you? Sure, a normal father would do that, but we're Bundys. Bud: Oh God. What does that mean, you're gonna eat me?

Al: Well, your laziness, your sloping forehead, your... ability to catch flies with your tongue. Bud: This is what you call a pat on the back? Al: No, no, no, Son, see, you got mad like anybody would, but you got mad and EVEN. That's what makes you part of the grand Bundy Tradition. I'll never forget my old man, sweet guy. Sold my Schwin for the price of a drink. I was so mad at him, before he knew it, I enlisted him into the Army. But the time he came back from Korea, boy, he was so ticked off, good thing he was in a wheelchair.

Jefferson: So, where's the man who's ready to leave home and go bag some babes? Al: Right here. Marcy: Oh please, you couldn't bag your own wife. Al: No, I could bag her. But it doesn't do me any good. I still remember what she looks like.

Marcy: You dispensed job information? You who thinks a W2 is a bingo number? Jefferson: I know it's not a bingo number. It's that stuff you spray on squeaky hinges, isn't it?

Marcy: I do remember my first apartment. My roommate and I were both single, both bursting with ripe, flowering womanhood. The sexual revolution was in full swing and we were a-happening. Peggy: Wow. I'll bet you were having sex all the time. Marcy: No, that cheap slut of a roommate stole all my boyfriends. I've never forgiven Mom for that.

Jefferson: Well, let me tell you a little bit about my own swinging bachelor pad: mirror ball on the ceiling, water bed on the floor, fake medical degrees on the wall. Oh God, I have fun at that place. Marcy: Have? Jefferson, you don't still own that place, do you? Jefferson: Um... No. And it's not where I go Thursdays when I say I'm playing racquetball.

Peggy: I've always wanted some place where I could stretch out and do nothing. Al: Well get in the car, I'll take you to the morgue.

Al: We're going for a drive. Kelly: In the Dodge? Aaaaahh. Al: Just for that, you ride in the back with your mother.

Jefferson: Come on, Al, you should be proud that your son is moving out and becoming a man. Al: My son is burrowing down and becoming a mole. Besides, as bad as this is, you just know that something worse is gonna happen. Don't you know all horrible things happen in threes: celebrity deaths, Pauly Shore movies, Wilson Phillips. In my own case: marrying Peg, Bud not moving out and, 3... 2... 1... Peggy: Al, something horrible has happened. Al: The hell you say.

Peggy: My parents had a terrible fight and now Mom left and Dad can't find her. Al: Did he look behind the Rockies?

Al: Who the hell would put a bear-trap in an outhouse? Ephraim Wanker: They wouldn't. That ain't no bear-trap, that's a human-trap. Al: Well, why would you want to trap a human? Ephraim Wanker: I don't know, ask the bears, them was the ones who put it in there.

Twitchy: Ephraim, how much you want for that wading pool? (points) Ephraim Wanker: That ain't no wading pool. That's my little darling's shower cap. That ain't for sale, you son of an onion.

Al: Hey, Ephrum, hang on a second. You know, you're a braver man than I am. If my wife left me I'd be dancing on the deck of the Good Ship Hooter-Pop. With a smile on my face, and my face on a smile. Ah, the times that I'd have. But you know, in a strange way I have to respect your loyalty. It's not every man who would stand by a woman who's large enough to have her own fire escape. No, Ephrum, I've gotta hand it to you. You're... (He notices Ephraim isn't there) Al: Gone. Ephrum, get back here, you son of an onion.

Al: Somehow or another, someone, I'm not saying who, said something about Good Ship Hooter-Pop, and before you know it, there was a 70-year-old hillbilly popping wheelies on a thresher and saying how he'd never marry a family member again. Peggy: This is all your fault. You have ruined a perfectly happy marriage. Al: Yet I remain in a perfectly dreadful one.

Peggy: If you men only knew what we do to keep a marriage alive. Watching Oprah all day so that we have something interesting to talk to you about. Dressing like this (gestures at herself) to keep you excited. Taking beauty naps to reverse the aging process. And spending all your money so you feel like a good provider. That is how I sacrifice for you, Al Bundy. It is a thankless, exhausting job but I do it. And the only thing I ask in return is that you bring Dad back here. And you fail. You know what this means. (She grabs him by the arm and leads him upstairs) Al: (panicked) Oh no Peg, Peg no sex now, Peg. Please, I just need a little more time. I'll find him. Peggy: I want you to help me give Mom a sits-bath. (Al's eyes widen in horror) Al: Can't we have sex instead?

Al: Peg, me and the floorboards can't take your mom any more.

Al: (referring to Peg's mother) Peg, me and the floorboards can't take your mother any more.

Al: Well, I'll tell ya something. Peg-feet and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly combination.

Al: Get out! Out! Out! Pretend there's a keg on the lawn. Out! Out!

Marcy: Look, we know Bella can be loud; and annoying; and the whole neighborhood hates his guts; but at least he's a good protecter. Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

Steve: You shot my dog in the middle of a bowel movement?

Kelly: (Peggy is unusually bothersome to Al) Look, Dad, I think you need to take Mom out. Al: Don't you think I would have done that if I thought I could get away with it?

Steve: I'm sorry. Al: Yeah, that and a dime will get you a cup of coffee. Steve: Where? Al: Shut up.

Al: I'm talking 'bout a break room, Peg. At work. With massage tables and a fridge full of beer. As long as Bud keeps Gary happy, I'm happy. And as long as I'm happy... I'm happy. Peggy: Yeah, well, what about me? Al: Don't be selfish, Peg.

Al: And love and marriage go together like... Peg, what do love and marriage go together like? Peggy: How the hell should I know?

Kelly: Hey, Daddy? You, ah, you might not remember this, (sits on the chair) but before your accident, you promised me a new car. Al: Pumpkin, you may not remember this, but MOMMY is the vegetable in the family. Kelly: Oh. Oh, right. DUH. Al: Well, the other one.

Al: My living room is full of women, men, and your cousin.

Peggy: Daddy's our secret weapon. Kelly: Yeah, if he leaves the bathroom door open.

Al: Marcy, see, it's a man's thing. Unlike you leg-shavers, we men... we men like our things broken in. You know, old things. Old tennis shoes, old filthy jeans, a 30-year-old toothbrush with chunkets of Reggie bar in it... (Marcy makes a disgusted face. Bud puts his burger away and looks like he's about to heave)

Al: (demonstrating an invention) We're gonna be so rich, people are gonna HAVE to like us.

Al's Father: So, how's tricks? How are the kids? Al: Fine. Al's Father: How are my Playboys? Al: You know, huh? Al's Father: (Sarcastically) No, I care how you and the kids are.

Marcy: Al, I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk around.

Marcy: Now where could we find a man? Al, have you seen a man? Al: No, but I see a woman who could make one sterile.

Al: Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom? Peggy: Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted. Al: Well, we all have our disappointments. I have to sleep with mine. Peggy: Is that its new name?

Al: We all have to live with our disappointments, Peg. Of course, I have to sleep with mine.

Al: Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.

Kelly: (Trying to read) Bud, what is this word? Bud: 'A.' Kelly: Oh cool, just like the letter.

Al: Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.

Al: You are the biggest - By the way, do you have cable? Steve: No. Al: The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.

Kelly: Dad, why don't we get Bud one of those scratching posts to rub against? You know, it'll save the furniture. Bud: You really wanna save the furniture, Kel? Why don't you stop putting notches on your bed posts? Al: Now Bud, apologize to your sister. Bud: No. Al: Okay.

Griff: Al, lighten up. You didn't have a problem when Kelly dated that wealthy older man. Al: I wouldn't have a problem if BUD dated a weathy older man. Anybody but Gary.

Bud: I was caught having sex in the college library. Al: All right. That's my boy. (Starts shaking Bud's hand) Who's the lucky girl? Bud: You're shaking her.

Al: (Bud has covered a poster of a sexy woman with a picture of Barbara Bush) Aah. What the hell are you doing? Bud: Studying. Al: What? Why presidents marry ugly?

Miss Hardaway: Bud Bundy, how do you plead? Bud: Absolutely, 100% not guilty.

Bud: Miss Hardaway has had a crush on me for years. In fact, at this very moment she's thinking what I look like under my clothes. Miss Hardaway: That is a tight little lie. Er, I mean a little white lie.

TV: This is Senator Bob Packwood, live from the Big 'Uns Olympics. The officials are on the field measuring... it's a new world record. 72.5 inches, she's won the gold.

Bud: Oh, by the way, Dad, they made me scrub all the toilets with a toothbrush, so I borrowed yours. (He takes a toothbrush out of his back pocket, hands it to Al and races upstairs) Peggy: Well, at least the part about the toothbrush was bad luck. Al: No, Peg, this is good luck. This is yours.

Steve: They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course, I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

Al: Oh miss, I think you dropped something. Nibbles: Oh. (Bends over, showing cleavage) Thank you market dweller. Kelly Bundy: Dad? Dad? Daddy. Al: What? Kelly Bundy: Do you WANT anything? Al: Why, yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons... (Sees Marcy) and a plucked chicken. Marcy D'Arcy: I thought I smelled shoes.

Al: Kids, we're moving into the drug store down the street. Manager: Buy something, or you'll be moving into the County Jail. Al: OK. Peg. Checkbook. Manager: Cash only, Bundy, and I STILL want two forms of ID. Al: Family meeting. OK, give me all your money. (Peg and Kids give money to Al) Al: Eighteen cents. When I asked you for money to buy a battery for the Kaiser you said you didn't have a dime. Peggy Bundy: No, we said we didn't give a DAMN.

Peggy: I'll be home just as soon as I find Dad, and believe me, I am leaving no stone unturned. Al: Where are you? Peggy: Well I just left Tiffany's. You wouldn't believe how big some of their stones are. Al: You should see some of mine. I just felt a big one leave my kidneys and head for my urinary tract.

Peggy: Al, I am trying to save my parents' marriage. This is not about you or your stupid money. I gotta go. (Drives off in a limousine) Al: (Hangs up) That was Mom, and she left us. Bud: Mom is gone? Al: Yeah. Bud: Was it something I did? Al: I don't know. Maybe.

Kelly: (Is holding a nude calendar from USC) Look, my new calendar came in. "The buns of Usk".

Al: (to Bud, about him solving a problem) You better! If not, I'm taking you out of the will! Wait a minute, that's no punishment... I'm putting you *in* the will!

Bud: I want to be sincere with you and tell you how much this calendar means to me. Um, Crystal, I don't talk about my brother much. But, well, Judd and I... We were born Siamese twins. We shared everything, we had to. And then came that awful day when we had to go our separate ways. I went to school and Judd went into a Mason jar. We don't expect him to live very long, I mean he's not much more than an eye, a foot and some hair. But you see I made him this solemn promise that I would make him a calendar of the best damn good looking girls at Trumaine. So Crystal, if you can't do this for me, do it for that little lost boy in the Mason jar. What do you say? (Crystal glares at him) O.K.

Crystal Clark: I'm sorry, Bud, I just can't pose for a national calendar. I mean, what if my parents saw me? Bud: It's not like you're gonna be nude or anything. Crystal Clark: What would I be wearing? Bud: This. (presents a string bikini) Bud: It's a large.

Bud: Parents love their children no matter what they do. Al: Damn you, Kelly. You ate my last Hershey's Kiss. You're in the will. Kelly: NO, DAD. NO.

Crystal Clark: With kind words, Bud Bundy helped to convince me I have nothing to be ashamed of. And, he's quite the kisser. Bud: YES. Everyone knows I kissed her. I am a god. Interviewer: Now, Crystal, you said there's something you wanted to tell the world live on our show. Bud: She's gonna propose to me. I do. Crystal Clark: Yes, it's time for my family and the rest of the world to see the person I've become. Bud Bundy has made me proud to be a woman who was born... a man.

Floyd Babcock: How dare you take my name. From now on, I'm only referring to you as 'Little'. Little Floyd: Funny, that's how Mom refers to you.

Peggy: I don't know what you're so upset about. They still call Carroll O'Connor "Archie". They still call that Winkie guy "The Fonz". They still call the fat girls on The Facts of Life "The Fat Girls on The Facts of Life".

TV: Live from Ft. Lauderdale, the Spring Break Dance Marathon. All proceeds will be donated to CBS to pay Bill Cosby's salary.

Marcy: Girls like that are just cheap one-night stands. You all should be developing full, trusting relationships like I have with my Jefferson, who even now is away at computer camp trying to better himelf. Bud: Uh, Mrs D'Arcy... (Gestures to the TV where Al, Griff and Jefferson are mingling with blondes in bikinis) Marcy: Road trip. Destination: Ft. Lauderdale.

Al: Marcy, I need your advice. How can a young, attractive, not-so-bright woman like my daughter Kelly earn $1,000 in three nights? Marcy: Well, lets see. Either as an opening act for M.C. Hammer, or by spanking elderly gentlemen in a tight black leather dress. Al: Hey now, my daughter may be a lot of things, but she would never resort to professions like that. (Kelly enters wearing a tight black leather dress) Kelly: Daddy, I'm going out now and I'll be home by dawn. Al: Sure, have a good time pumpkin. (Kelly exits) Al: Now, as I was saying, if my daughter was doing something illegal or immoral, I would know about it. (the phone rings) Al: Hello? No, Kelly's out. Sure, I'll take a message. What's that? You have the money... and you can't wait to see if she's good as the guys say she is? Huh? Uh-ah... and you'll meet here where? Uh-ah... well maybe I'll see you there.

(Bud and Kelly are impersonating Al and Jefferson at a Jeffersons live-theater show) Kelly: This is the lowest thing that I've ever done. (Bud stares skeptically at Kelly) Kelly: Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do. (Bud continues staring at Kelly) Kelly: Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do that I didn't enjoy. (Bud nods with approval)

Al: Hey kids, here's a real funny story. Did you know that while I was in the hospital, Daddy's nurse was a fat woman who used to come into his shoe store? "Used to" is the term because her patronage fell off one day when she came in and asked for something to make her foot look small. So I said, "try your ass." She remembered me all right. Then we laughed, until she picked up a catheter the size of a boa constrictor and charged.

(on the phone with Jerry Springer) Al: Listen Jerry, bowling is a man's sport. If God had wanted women to bowl, he would have put their breasts on their backs so we would have something to watch while waiting our turn. Jerry Springer: And where are you calling from sir, 1952? Al: I wish. That was a great year for America. Ike was in the White House, women were in the kitchen, and guys like you were in the closet. Jerry Springer: And, you forgot to mention where you were. I suspect in a zoo someplace throwing your feces at a passing tourist. Al: Once again, I wish.

(a frumpy middle-aged woman walks into Al's shoe store) Woman: I need shoes. Al: Blacksmith's right around the corner.

Marcy: Here's something you might all enjoy: a fine foreign film about a young Peruvian girl who lives in the rainforest and dreams of having a bicycle. Al: Any hooters? Marcy: It is a François LuMach film. He explores the mind. Al: Well, I prefer the Joseph Zipper production of "They Exploded Out of Their Bras". Jefferson: Marcy, you might like that one. It's a film about women.

Peggy: I want to see a movie with Mel Gibson's butt. Marcy: I want sensitivity. Jefferson: I want killings. Al: I want boobies. (They all start arguing) Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. (Kelly comes downstairs; all but Al stop) Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. Um... Hi, Pumpkin. Kelly: You know, I haven't heard anybody chant that word since me and my girlfriends were standing around when this old guy in this Dodge drove by... Ew, Daddy!

Bud: Now, you see this crack between the stove and the wall? Every now and then I'll find, say, a fuzzy M&M. Now, you just peel the protective coating, and you've got a nice little dose of simple carbohydrates. And don't throw away that colorful shell. Makes a hearty base for soup. Al: Well, I'll get the hanger and a little piece of gum and a-hunting we will go!

Peggy: What's wrong with you getting a second job? Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose, before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Al: You know, Peg, you look really good tonight. Peggy: How many beers have you had tonight, Al? Al: Ten. Peggy: So, I guess you're about a six-pack away from sex. Al: At least.

(the Bundys are staying at a hotel) Hotel Clerk: Welcome to the Deliverence Inn, you'll squeal like a pig at our low, low prices. (points to Bud) Hotel Clerk: Especially you.

Bud: Kelly, go get changed into your sleaziest dress. Kelly: Which one?

Kelly: Well, the Bundy family motto is: "It sees us, insults us, we kick its ass"!

Al: What's for dinner? Peggy: Filthy pig! Al: We had that last night.

Bud: Dad, I made the Dean's list! Al: Son, I wish you could've been around when I was younger, of course I probably wouldn't have let you hang out with me. When we had one hand on the woman, and one hand on the wheel, and one hand on the stick. That's what I liked about the old days, we... had more hands!

Bud: Mom, I've had a lousy day, I could really use some Motherly advice. Peggy: Shut up Bud! Oprah's doing a show about Mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.

Al: What happened Steve? Steve: Well, Al... Al: I'll tell you what happened Steve. Someone told women that they should start enjoying sex to, now they like it but it's work for us!

Neighbor: Hey Bundy. I had steak for dinner tonight, what did you have? Al: If I'm lucky your wife.

Al: (ordering dinner for everyone, in a high-class restaurant) Four steaks. Nuke 'em.

Al: Ah, children! What the hell, wolfen. Let me tell you something about sharing: don't do it. Nothing good ever comes of sharing. Your mother and I shared a bed and nothing good came out of it. Peggy: Maybe that's because nothing good ever went into it.

Al: Jefferson, tell them what they can get for $800. Jefferson: Well, for $800 you can get a nice car. Kelly: Really, Mr D'Arcy? You know where we can get a car for $800? Marcy: At the auto auction where they sell cars they've confiscated from criminals and drug dealers. Of course, the cars have some minor problems like bullet holes in the trunk; but you don't seem to mind riding in the Dodge. Al: There's no bullet holes in my car, but that could change if I could persuade you to get into the trunk.

(Al and the kids have returned from the auto auction) Peggy: Did you buy the kids a car, Al? Kelly: (off screen) DON'T TOUCH MY CAR! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR HANDS HAVE BEEN! Bud: (off screen) IN THAT CASE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SITTING IN IT! Al: Yes, I did. And, as you can see, all of my worries about them fighting were unfounded. (Looks out the window where Kelly has Bud in a headlock beating him on the head) On the upside, however, I did get them to knock off $100. Why pay for seat belts if you don't have brakes?

(Al is getting readly to fix the roof) Al: OK, whose going up with me besides Bud? Bud: Dad, anyone who would go up on that roof with you during a lighting storm would have to be a complete idiot. Kelly: Oh, No! I'm not going up there either.

Al: Now, pumpkin; before you drive your car, you need to be covered. Kelly: Isn't that up to the guy, Dad? Al: I'm talking about car insurance, you little...

Peggy: Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work. Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom. Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work. Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise. Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something.

Marcy: Does anyone have any gestures they'd like to have known? Anything at all? (Al gives Marcy the finger) Marcy: I don't think that particular gesture is necessary. Al.

(Bud and Kelly are double dating at the drive-in) Sonya: American movies are so rich and confusing. So much texture and subplot. Bud: Well, the thing to remember is that Elmer is mad at Bugs because he tied his gun barrel into a bow. Kelly: Exchange student, huh? What did we send her country; a head of lettuce and some sand?

(Al is channel surfing) Al: Ah, "Friends". Don't have 'em, don't need 'em, sure as hell don't wanna watch 'em. (changes the channel)

Jefferson: (watching the opening credits of "Married... With Children" on TV) You believe that show is still on the air? Al: It's a classic, I love it. Except for those stupid neighbors.

(Al's wiring has blown out the neighborhood's transformer on the hottest day of the year) Peggy: Oh, the whole neighborhood's gone dark! Al: Well, at least they don't know it's our fault. Neighbor: Bundy did this! Crowd: BUNDY! BUNDY! BUNDY! Kelly: God, where did they get the torches and the pitchforks so fast?

Al: To put it in the words of your people, Marcy; cluck no!

Bud: Where's Dad? Peggy: In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet. (Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch) Peggy: How was it, honey? Al: I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad? Peggy: Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken? Al: No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me. (turns on TV) TV Announcer: And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup: "Roseanne" and the Emmy winning "Thirtysomething". (Al nods his head, picks up the newspaper and walks back into the bathroom)

Steve: (Al and Steve are watching the "Video Slut" tryouts on cable access TV) Look at that one, Al! So that's what they look like before you marry them, eh? Al: Wait a minute, that's Kelly! Steve: Oh. You know what, Al? I really promised Marcy I'd get home in time to cut the grass. (runs out of the room) Al: I'm comin' to help you, pumpkin! (leaves the room)

Al: (carrying a suitcase) Well, I'm all packed for prison. Kelly: Have a nice time, Daddy.

Al: ... where bucks are enough to see their stuff (the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar") Jefferson: ... where the breast may be fake, but man do they shake (the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar") Bob Rooney: ... where you swear like a sailor, and wish you can nail her (the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar") Al: ... where the cops are at the door and there's a Kennedy on the floor (the NO MA'AM Gang yells "at the nudie bar")

Doctor #2: Excuse me, Mrs Bundy, but something horrible has happened to your husband. Peggy: Uh, Marcy, can I call you back? She says no, and can you speak louder? Doctor #2: There is some good news - he's alive. Peggy: Well, how alive? Can he walk? Can he talk? Will he ever be able to work again? Doctor #2: He's a shoe salesman, Mrs Bundy. We could replace his brain with a sock full of popcorn, he would still be able to work. See, this is one of those... unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions. It said to give him a circular incision. Peggy: So, how could you misread that? Doctor #2: We gave him a... circumcision.

Marcy: I know why you're back. You're back... for this! (she rips off her nightie, revealing her negligee) Al: (off screen) I'm blind! My eyes, my eyes! Steve: Okay, I get the message! But remember, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander! Steve: (rips open his shirt, showing his scrawny chest) Take THIS to your grave! Peggy: (off screen) WAAAAHH! Now I'm blind, too!

(Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session) Al: Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start. Jefferson: (monotone) The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny. Al: Oh my God! Those women have brainwashed him. We'll have to deprogram him! (holds up two fingers) Quick, how many fingers am I holding up? (pokes Jefferson in the eyes) Jefferson: Whoa, thanks Al. They almost had me that time.

Director: (Marcy's women's group has filed a suit requiring beer commercials to hire unattractive women) This is insane! What kind of moron would take a suit on behalf of ugly women seriously? Al: Four words. Attorney. General. Janet. Reno.

Kelly: (singing) Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer, if one of those bottles should happen to fall... eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall.

(at an immigrant's apartment, negotiating for Marcy's childhood desk) Peggy: You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman. Ms Garcia: Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded. Peggy: (pause) Our countries are very much alike.

Bud: (Bud is explaining his new identity) My story is that I'm a bad boy rapper from the streets of New York and I am hiding out in Chicago because I killed a man or spray painted a sign or something. Peggy: Isn't that the plot of 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire'? Bud: Yes, but that's an NBC show, so who would know.

Al: I thought I just saw Yosemite Sam leaving our house. Peggy: No, that was Billy Ray Bundy. Al: Ah, school must be starting soon.

Peggy: (Al has gone outside to fix the roof) Kids! Hurry, come quick! Bud: What is it, Mom? Creditors? Should I boil some water? Peggy: No, kids. You know how you are always complaining that your father never does anything with the family? Well, just watch that window and your father has a big surprise for us. Peggy: Right about now; three, two, one (Al screams and falls past the window, family laughs and claps) Okay, back to bed, kids. Kelly: That was really great. You know, I'm so happy that I'm going to give Daddy his wallet back. Bud: But, we're going to keep the money, right? Kelly: Well, we didn't see him hit the ground.

Miranda Cardenal: (TV news is covering NOMA'AM's shirtless protest) This is Miranda Vera Cruz de la Hoya Cardenal saying; yikes!

Al: (Bud has found Al passed out on the floor of Peg's redecorated bathroom) How long was I in there? Bud: Forty-five minutes. Al: Forty-five minutes! Why didn't you come and get me? Bud: Dad, you're always in there forty-five minutes. You did forty-five minutes in the neighbor's bushes once. Al: Their roses won prizes that year, you know.

The Beaver: (Jerry Mathers is emceeing the Foodie's shopping contest) And remember, the winner gets a $1000 shopping spree; which, incidentally is more than I am getting for this gig. Can it be true? Isn't there room on Match Game PM for another washed up celebrity? Am I truly lower than *Charles Nelson Reilly*?

Kelly: (watching "Superman") What does the "S" on his chest stands for? Al: "Straight". You know, he has to be careful when changing clothes on the phone booth.

Kelly: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bud. I bet there are plenty of cool guys who sit home on Friday night watching 'Star Trek' reruns hoping to catch a glimpse of Klingon cleavage. Bud: Let the record show that I was licking the screen in an attempt to clean it.

Peggy: Now kids; you know that Daddy has worked hard on his new room and we don't want to hurt his feelings, so, nobody laugh until I do first!

Al: Kelly, I know you're grown up, even though you still live at home and occasionally pick up the phone when you hear the doorbell. But, sweetheart, look, why do you think I carry your baby picture in my wallet. Kelly: That's not me, Dad. Bud: That's the picture that came with the wallet. Al: Hey, when I bought this wallet, I had a choice - a little boy or a little girl. I picked the little girl. She's symbolic. Kelly: She's Chinese, Dad! Al: That's what I was hoping you would be! Kelly: Oh, Daddy... I'm sorry I'm not Chinese. Al: Oh, sweetheart, that all right, now.

Kelly: Does your date mean more to you than my happiness? Bud: A milkshake means more to me than your happiness.

Al: (one of Jefferson's friends has just done the "pull my finger gag") And I thought I ran with a cool crowd in high school.

Marcy: (after a sky-diving department store Santa splattered all over the Bundys' back yard, while Steve and Marcy were over, the coroners are clearing up outside; inside, Steve is pouring a large drink, while Marcy is babbling, and both are shaking) Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god... (Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud are all eating pizza) Al: Hey Peg, you know what we ought to do tomorrow? We oughta make some Christmas cookies. Peggy: Oh yeah, and maybe some eggnog, with nutmeg. Bud: Mmm! Steve Rhoades: You ghouls! Don't you understand, there's a splattered Santa all over your yard! Al: What do you want me to do Steve? Quit eating?

Al: That's what's wrong with this country, Peg; everytime something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy; there was a fixin' man. Bud: You mean Grandpa Hook? Al: Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook; he didn't call anybody! Peggy: It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand. Al: One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

(Bud has decided to become a rapper) Bud: Goodbye, Bud Bundy; hello Grandmaster B. Kelly: What does the B stand for? Kelly: 'Brother of an idiot'.

(Kelly is explaining why she got suspended from school) Kelly: Well, our teacher had on a pair of jeans that said 'Guess' and I said 'size 42?'.

(NO MA'AM is planning to attend a pro wrestling event) Jefferson: Main event featuring 'King Kong' Bundy. Hey, Al, is he a relative of yours? Al: No, but we're letting him use Peg's nickname.

Bud: (flicking Kelly in the side of her head) Mosquito. Kelly: (punching Bud in his stomach) Tapeworm.

Reporter: Scientist are still sifting through the nuclear hole that used to be the Republic of France.

Kelly: Bud, don't be a sucker all your life. Let me tell you the difference between men and women: we're liars and you're all idiots.

Al: (Bud and his date are about to leave) Son, since you're using the Dodge tonight, I need you to stop by the hardware store and pick up fifty pounds of manure for me and stop at the drug store and pick up some 'rhoid cream for me. Kelly: While you're there, get me some extra large maxipads too. Bud: Does anyone need me to pick up anything really embarassing? Peggy: Suppositories!

Officer Dan: (gunfire has erupted outside NoMa'am's hotel room and Officer Dan has returned fire) Damn postmen!

(a fat woman is having shoes put onto her at a shoe store) Fat Woman: OWW! Your hurting my baby toe! Dexter: Ma'am. There ain't a damn thing on your body thats baby.

Kelly: (Kelly is talking about her internship) You know, they're not as nice as they seem on television. Like today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went. Marcy: Oh well, losing your first job isn't so bad. Kelly: Me? They canned him like a tuna.

Charlie Verducci: (singing along with the theme to the "Patty Duke Show" on TV) They look alike, they walk alike, sometimes they even talk alike... no wonder, they're both Patty Duke. Duh!

Al: I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by 'Green Peace', and ask for a size-4 shoe. So I asked her if she wants to eat them there or take them home, and she has the nerve to complain about my performance. Peggy: Honey, I complain about youre performance all the time... you don't care. Sometimes you don't even wake up. Al: Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.

Al: Choco cake! Choco cake! Eat so much you get a tummy ache!

Bud: Any dedication request for me? Kelly: Yeah, three actually. "Lonely Boy", "Like a Virgin", and "When a Man Loves a Rubber Woman". Bud: And I'll bet you got yours, "She Works Hard For the Money". Kelly: Now whatever gave you the idea that I'm some cheap tramp? Radio: And now, dedicated to Kelly Bundy, "She Works Hard For... " (Kelly throws the radio on the floor, breaking it)

Peggy: (Al has brought home a surplus air conditioner) Al, where did you get this? I thought you were going to that Korean discount place. You know, where they have appliances that have names almost like real name brand appliances? Like our Frigid-door refrigerator or our RC-Hay television.

Al: All I wanted was a stinkin' .45! The record or the gun... heck, at this point, I'd settle for the malt liquor!

Bud: Hi, Kel. How'd your audition go? Kelly: I'm so mad. Before I even got there to audition, they gave the role to another girl. Bud: Oh, yeah, who? Kelly: Meryl Streep. I mean what's she got that I don't have. Bud: You mean besides the Oscar nominations, the Emmy, the Yale Drama School education and your job? Kelly: Yeah. Bud: Think carefully, Kel. It starts with "T". Kelly: Shuh, I have those! Bud: I'm talking about talent, Gump.

Lucky: (after Buck gets reincarnated) Those voices sound familiar. Let's see if I can focus these new puppy dog eyes. (sees the Bundys) Noooooooo!

Al: Bud, quick - what's more important - money or love? Bud: Money. I can always rent love. Al: (walks over to Kelly) Kelly, what's the color of an orange? Kelly: Right now? Off the top of my head? No multiple choice?

Al: (Al is explaining the auto insurance policy to Kelly) ?and because you have to always be on official farm business, (pulls out a live chicken) this must always be in your car; hence the South Forty motto "No Chicken, No Check". Bud: (comes through the front door) Hey, Kel (looks at Al) South Forty Insurance, Dad? Al: It's a damn fine company, "The Farmer's Best Friend" next to a sheep and a tall wheat field.

Al: (Marcy has appeared at the Bundy's door with a raw chicken) Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting. Marcy: (walking past Al) Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets? Al: (to Jefferson) I thought that was your job. Jefferson: No, my job is to stuff the bird every night.

Al: (Al's finger is caught in a fat woman's shoe) How much worse could this get? Fat Woman: I have to go to the bathroom.

Al: (talking to Kelly on her car phone after she gets fired from the TV station) Hi, Pumpkin. No, I'm not mad. Of course you can keep the car. (to Peg and Bud) She really is an idiot!

Kelly: (trying out the new microwave) Mom! This is the third time I've pressed the popcorn button and nothing has come out. Peggy: Well, honey, try the dinner plate. Maybe that will work. Bud: Uh, 'Betty and Moronica'. You have to put food in the microwave to get food out. Peggy: What good is that?

Al: Leave me alone, Peg. The Bears are playing the Rams... and if you lose to the Rams, you get kicked out of the league.

Fat Woman: I swear, my foot was a size six before I went to practice... all that jumping must have expanded my foot. Al: Then I guess you must have fallen on your ass a couple of times... Fat Woman: How dare you say that to my face! Al: Well, I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!

Alexis: So, do you always go to work wearing a suit and smelling of High Karate? Al: No, do you always go to work wearing curtains and smelling of Mars bars?

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