Maid to Order
1987
Jessie Montgomery: I did not spend six years in junior college to be a maid.
Stella Winston: You're a spoiled, silly, boring, insignificant little twit. Jessie Montgomery: Hey! Who are you calling boring?
Jessie Montgomery: Please let me take it in Maria. Please! Maria: She told me to take it in. Jessie Montgomery: Well what difference does it make? Maria: The difference is if you screw up, then my ass is grass and she's the lawnmower!
(Jessie brings Stan his laundry) Stan Starkey: What the... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY WRINKLED SUIT? Jessie Montgomery: I just pressed it for you. Stan Starkey: I know, but you're not supposed to press this! This is SUPPOSED to be wrinkled; I BOUGHT it like this! It's a Georgio Armani WRINKLED suit! Wrinkles are IN! We're in the 80's, kiddo; wake up! I can't believe this! My Georgio Armani, my favorite suit, PRESSED!
Jessie Montgomery: (after being arrested for driving under the influence AND with a suspended license, AND trying to bribe the cops who took her in, Jessie is sharing a cell with a Hooker who's loudly filing her nails) ... Would you mind not doing that? I'm bummed and I have a headache. Hooker in Jail: Oh, yeah? What are you in for, anyway? Jessie Montgomery: I don't remember. God, when the media gets a hold of this... my poor father... Hooker in Jail: HOW about your father? Jessie Montgomery: Oh, he's a big philanthropist. Hooker in Jail: You mean he's cheating on your mama? With how many women? Jessie Montgomery: No, no... Not a PHILANDERER, a PHILANTHROPIST. You know, somebody who gives lots of dough to help out with... Never mind. So what are YOU in for? Hooker in Jail: (sarcastic) ... Jaywalking.
Stella Winston: (Jessie meets Stella for the first time, as the latter bails her out from the police station) ... You're getting out. The charges have been dropped. Jessie Montgomery: Great! Did Daddy grease a few palms or what? Stella Winston: Not exactly... I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first? Jessie Montgomery: After a night like this one? I need all the good news I can get. Stella Winston: The good news is, you have no criminal record; as far as you're concerned, last night didn't happen. The bad news is, neither did anything else BEFORE last night. As far as you're concerned. Jessie Montgomery: (Jessie inspects her purse, which has just been returned to her) ... Hey, where's my money! And where are my credit cards! Stella Winston: That's just it: you have no credit. Because you have no MONEY. Because you have no PAST. You have no family, no home, no friends, nothing. You're On Your Own.