M*A*S*H
1972
Colonel Flagg: Nobody leaves till I do and I never do.
Charles: Get me Tokyo. Radar: On the phone? Charles: No, open the window and yell.
Hawkeye: What a unique device, the human tush. An architectural wonder, one of a kind... actually two of a kind. Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting it also has the subtlety to do the samba. And when attached to certain members of the female species at a time when light summer dresses are worn can cause some of us to drive our cars straight up a lamppost.
(Reading a letter that Hawkeye threatens to send to Frank Burns' wife) Radar: Dear Mrs Burns, I regret to inform that your husband has been seen out of uniform, and maybe you would like to know with who.
Henry Blake: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.
Dr Sidney Freedman: Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
(Col Potter bids farewell to Hawkeye and B.J) Col Potter: Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh, right when I needed it most. Never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. 'Course I had to pretend I was mad at you but, inside... (emotionally) I was laughin' to beat all Hell. Hawkeye: Yeah. I'm laughing just thinking about it. B.J.: I'd LOVE a good laugh like this.
(Hawkeye and B.J. bid farewell to each other) Hawkeye: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'LL say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we WILL see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you. B.J.: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of YOU. Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor... B.J.: ... or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid. Hawkeye: I'll miss you. B.J.: I'll miss YOU. A lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here.
Hawkeye: (answering a letter from a boy whose brother died in Korea) Dear Billy, don't take your love for your brother and turn it into hate. Hate causes wars and war is what killed your brother.
Col Potter: You too young to die, Pierce? Hawkeye: I was hoping to make it to Thursday.
Frank Burns: Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me? Trapper: It saves time, Frank.
Charles: 'Tis better to have loved and lost, then to never... oh, give me a drink.
(as the surgeons operate on an eight-year-old Korean girl) Col Potter: Someone dropped a bomb on her building from an airplane. The Chopper Pilot: Who did it? Hawkeye: He just dropped it. He didn't autograph it. The Chopper Pilot: Was it one of theirs or one of ours? Hawkeye: What difference does it make? The Chopper Pilot: A lot. It makes a lot of difference. Col Potter: Not to her.
(after an exhausting shift in the OR) Col Potter: By the way, what war is this? Hawkeye: The latest war to end all wars.
Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun.
Frank Burns: It's nice to be nice... to the nice.
Father Mulcahy: (singing) A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home. Hawkeye, B.J.: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Col Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Radar: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Corporal Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress? Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Margaret: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Radar: You walked out on a patient, and Major Winchester had to finish for you. Hawkeye: So? I'd have done the same for him if he were sick. Radar: Well a lot of people don't look at it like you were sick, Hawkeye. A lot of people look up to you here. They admire you and they kinda feel they want to be like you. And... Gee, when you walk out on an operation, you make them feel like you've let them down. If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well, maybe there's no point in depending on anything. Hawkeye: Look you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? The blood of children. (slams down a pillow) I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then the hell with it. (stands up; turns around) How *dare* you! The hell with your Iowa naivete and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear and while you're at it, the hell with *you*. Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud?! I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder. If possible, without going crazy. Period. (Radar stifles crying) Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will you? You *ninny*! (exits)
Col Potter: (Charles is constantly playing his horn and, in an act of protest, Hawkeye and B.J. have stopped bathing) Major, will you shut your mouth piece? Hawkeye: (Charles stops playing) Now why didn't we think of that? Col Potter: I thought I told you kids to change your diapers. Hawkeye: Not 'til he stops tooting.
Charles: As I was saying, sir, I feel I could be more useful in Tokyo or even the states. Col Potter: Not to me, commissioner. Charles: This meatball surgery of yours is causing my skills to deteriorate. They're wasting away! Col Potter: Don't change the color of your face! I'm out of umber. Charles: And I'm out of patience! This place is driving me mad! Col Potter: Cool off, Winchester. Charles: How can I cool off in this God forsaken pest hole. Col Potter: You're here so get used to it! Charles: You haven't lifted a finger to get me transferred. Col Potter: That's right and I don't intend to. Charles: I certainly think you ought to consider... ! Col Potter: (shouting) Not again, Major! I've had enough of your beefing! I need you here and you'll stay here like the rest of us! Here, your face is finished. (presents a painted portrait of Charles shouting)
Father Mulcahy: (Hawkeye has just lost it with a hospitalized Radar) I just left Radar. Now, Hawkeye, please accept this with the spirit intended. You're under enormous pressure here and I'm... I just want to know one little thing... Have you lost your mind? Hawkeye: Father, you don't know how sorry I am. Father Mulcahy: I mean tha - that boy is lying there in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of body and you... You call him a ninny? Hawkeye: Father... Father Mulcahy: I'm incensed! I am outraged! Where is your decency, man? Your humanity? I am acrimonious! I am not a man given to physical demonstrations of emotion, but let me tell you, I can be persuaded to violence. Hawkeye: Go ahead, Father. Father Mulcahy: I think I will! (kicks down the stove) B.J.: Glad you let it out, Father? Father Mulcahy: Well as a matter of fact, I found it particularly unsatisfying. If you want to know the truth, it is entirely possible that I have broken my toe!
Hawkeye: Radar, I'd like to apologize. Radar: Oh, yeah? Well, you can just forget it. Just forget it. Hell with me, huh? The hell with *you*. How about that? And another thing, (gets out of bed) I wanna tell you something, anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal. I'll give you a fist-full of Iowa naivete right in the puss! How about that? You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself? Ha!
B.J.: (reading a letter) Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Oh, this is terrific. The other day, Peg took Erin out to eat. And so they're sitting in this restaurant, and Erin taps Peg on the shoulder and says, "Potty, Mommy". All by herself. Isn't she incredible? Charles: A veritable potty prodigy. B.J.: So, Peg takes Erin to the restroom and when they get back, Peg is so excited she tells the waitress, next thing you know the manager comes over and brings Erin a big chocolate milk shake to celebrate. Ha, ha, ha! Charles: Oh, I wish I could've been there to see that. B.J.: Oh, don't you? Don't you, though... Oh, no! When she got home, Erin was so excited she wet her pants. Charles: Hunnicut, I really wouldn't let one little accident mire such a noteworthy event.
Col Potter: (about his grandson) The kid is barely out of diapers and... Charles: Colonel, I beg you no potty stories. Col Potter: Potty stories? I was just going to say that the boy had his first pony ride. Charles: Oh. Of course. Margaret: Speaking of potty training, my first cousin had... Charles: We aren't speaking of potty training. We shall never speak of potty training so long as I am standing here. Col Potter: Hey, Major, you seem to be a little touchy on the subject of potty training. Could it be that you were a member of the rubber sheet brigade? Charles: Don't be absurd, Colonel Potty.
Wounded Soldier: What if they ask me where I got hit? Hawkeye: Look them right in the eye and say without blinking, "I got hit in the butt." And if they keep bugging you, drop your pants and show them your scar. Wounded Soldier: (Snort) make me laugh. Hawkeye: Whitney, we're talking about your body. It's been invaded by a bullet and there's nothing amusing about that. Wounded Soldier: Don't I know it. Hawkeye: On the other hand, you should be proud. You have a very special wound - it's symbolic of this entire war. This whole thing has been one giant pain in the butt. When they wanna hand you your purple heart, you can tell them where to pin it.
Hawkeye: (Hawkeye tries to get bidding signals from his bridge partner) I'm reminded of a story. You've probably heard it. The, uh, King and Queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs, when their son, Jack, remarked how strange it was they had only two hearts between them. Just then, Deucey and her little dog, Tres, started singing "Four Diamonds are a girl's best friend." Whereupon the entire family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. Did you get it?" Charles: Everybody did. Hawkeye: Well, I didn't. What do I bid? Everyone: Two clubs! Hawkeye: Please! No prompting. I bid two clubs.
Radar: (on the phone, during a sniper attack) Hey, listen, can you speak up a little bit? Somebody's trying to kill me!
Frank Burns: Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy. Margaret: We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many. Frank Burns: I know, darling, and I love being both of us.
Charles: Klinger, you are a gentleman and a lady.
Radar: (to Colonel Potter, as they meet) Your permission, sir, to cover up my nakedidity?
(Dictating a telegram) Hawkeye: Dear Dad, I am not dead. Stop. Hope you are the same. Stop. Thinking of selling my golf clubs? Stop. Spending my insurance money? Stop.
Colonel Flagg: (after Frank Burns pats his shoulder) My father touched me that way once. To this day he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.
Radar: Can you get drunk on Grape Nehi? Hawkeye: I don't know, let's find out.
(a visiting officer flips out) B.J.: He was just as strong as any of us. Hawkeye: I know. That's what scares me.
Radar: A lot of guys look up to you. They want to be like you. And when you walk out on a patient it's like you don't care. Hawkeye: Don't put all that on my shoulders. Every day I stand in the blood of children and pull them out of a meat grinder and try to save them if I can, and if I can't do that to your satisfaction then to hell with you. To hell with your Iowa naiveté, to hell with your teddy bear, and to hell with you.
Margaret: Oh, Frank. You're so above average.
Hawkeye: It was the least I could do. I always do the least I can do.
Colonel Flagg: We've got files on people who haven't even been born.
Colonel Flagg: Have you ever heard of the Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture? Radar: (intimidated) No. Colonel Flagg: That's because it hasn't been invented... yet.
Frank Burns: Spontaneity has its time and its place.
Radar: (rushing into the OR, shortly after Henry's departure) I have a message: Lt Col Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Frank Burns: (a shocked Radar enters OR) Radar, put a mask on! Hawkeye: If that's my discharge, give it to me straight, I can take it. Radar: I have a message... Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake's plane (starts breaking up) was shot down over the sea of Japan... it spun in... (starts crying) there were no survivors.
Corporal Klinger: (after Henry's office has been shelled, and he's trapped under the rubble) Colonel... if you can hear me, knock three times! If you can't, knock two times! (two slow knocks follow) Radar: Oh, my God! (shouts) He's dead!
Henry Blake: (Henry's final line, as he says good-bye to Radar) You behave yourself, or I'm gonna come back and kick your butt!
Frank Burns: What would have happened in 1776 if the Minutemen on their way to Concord had stopped to worry about toilet paper? Hawkeye: So we would have had independence ten minutes later.
(Giving advice to Hawkeye) Father Mulcahy: This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen.
Margaret: (referring to Hawkeye and Trapper) Those two are ruining this war... for ALL of us!
Henry Blake: (to Hawkeye and Trapper, after an incident at IKOR) Did you really yell "Give me an incubator or give me death"?
Henry Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General? Radar: Oh, nobody does, sir. Henry Blake: Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't.
Charles: One does not wax philosophical when one is about to be sent to Leavenworth... (pause) My God, that's in Kansas.
Hawkeye: The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lieutenant Colonel.
Charles: What is that odor? Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine. Charles: The wind is from the south. Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
Hawkeye: No wonder they execute people at dawn. Who wants to live at six A.M.?
(to Margaret) Hawkeye: Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?
Radar: (Takes a drink of Hawkeye's home-made gin, and grimaces) I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel good. B.J.: No; it's supposed to make you feel nothing.
Margaret: I'm not so think as you drunk I am...
(about Hawkeye and BJ) Col Potter: Please excuse these two, they're themselves today.
Dr Sidney Freedman: I haven't washed my hands since I became a psychiatrist.
Colonel Flagg: I could kill you with one finger.
Hawkeye: Insanity is just a state of mind
(about Hawkeye) Charles: Why this constant preoccupation with sex? B.J.: Lack of occupation with sex.
Col Potter: Where's your gun? Hawkeye: Sulking under my cot. We're not at speaking terms. Col Potter: Go kiss it and make up. You're taking it with you. Hawkeye: Colonel, if I touch that gun, I'll trigger another argument. Col Potter: Pierce, You're taking your sidearm. Hawkeye: (Holding up each arm in turn) Correct, I'm taking along my right side arm and my left side arm.
Hawkeye: How 'bout a little kiss for the road? Margaret: Oh, don't be ridiculous. Hawkeye: Then how 'bout one for me?
Hawkeye: If I said the word "sleep" three times to you, I'd put you right under. Col Potter: Not A chance. Hawkeye: Oh yeah? Watch this. Sleep. Sleeeeeeep. Sleep. (He falls asleep)
Hawkeye: I believe my life is about to pass before my eyes. Col Potter: Let me know when it does. I love a parade. Hawkeye: Even short ones?
(Klinger goes hang-gliding past in a housecoat and slippers) Hawkeye: Did you see that? Nurse: What? Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet. Trapper: Hawkeye, did you see that? Hawkeye: What did you see? Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet. Hawkeye: (to the nurse) See?
(both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole) Col Potter: I said fire that weapon. Hawkeye: All right. (to the gun) You're fired. (to Potter) I did it as gently as I could. Col Potter: That was an order, Pierce. Hawkeye: (Snapping his fingers) Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
Henry Blake: You're always wrong Frank. That's what's so right about you.
(looking at Klinger) Frank Burns: What's he doing in here? Hawkeye: Sharing our tent. Frank Burns: Not on your nelly. Won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted men. Hawkeye: Frank... just wrap yourself in a flag and go to sleep. Trapper: And don't get in bed with that gun... that's an order. Frank Burns: A Captain can't give a Major an order. Hawkeye: Then it's a threat. (Short pause) Frank Burns: Oh that's different... it was a great war until you guys showed up.
Charles: (to a patient in cardiac arrest) Live! That's an order!
Col Potter: The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian.
Hawkeye: I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish. I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills. I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions."
(about his uncle) Corporal Klinger: He'd kill for me. He'd kill for you. For $100, he'd kill for anyone.
(Hawkeye, Trapper, Burns, and Hot Lips are meeting several Majors) Margaret: Major, Major Houlihan. Major: Major Houlihan. Major Burns. Frank Burns: Major. Major. Hawkeye: Major Pierce. Well, I think we've made a "major" breakthrough.
Margaret: They're mocking my Majority. Hawkeye: Well, what do you know? We're "major" mockers.
Frank Burns: The last thing I'm going to give you ghouls is any of my blood. Hawkeye: (to Trapper) Ghouls? What a nice thing to call us vampires.
Hawkeye: You're out of uniform, soldier. Nurse: (looks at herself) Where? Hawkeye: How about my place in ten minutes?
Frank Burns: I love it here. Col Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to decide which one.
Henry Blake: Will you stop saying what I'm thinking? Radar: Well someone has to.
Hawkeye: Frank, you are 10 of the most boring people I know.
Hawkeye: I thought he was dead. Trapper: He got better.
(South Koreans are being taught to speak English) Frank Burns: We're making real progress. Hawkeye: I can tell. You have a Korean accent.
(Charles notices Hawkeye didn't put anything from Frank into the camp's time capsule) Hawkeye: Well, I was going to leave his scalpel, but I didn't want to include any deadly weapons.
Margaret: Act like a man you sniveling twerp.
PA System: Due To circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.
(PA Announcement after 3 weeks without wounded) PA System: Attention all personnel . Due to a lack of casualties, today's midnight movie will be shown at 9: 00 in the morning... And midnight has been canceled.
Col Potter: Would you rather have Burns? Hawkeye: He was more fun to be cruel to.
Radar: My own father didn't have me until he was 63, and the first time we played peek-a-boo together he had a stroke.
Hawkeye: War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse. Father Mulcahy: How do you figure, Hawkeye? Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell? Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe. Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chalk full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.
Dr Sidney Freedman: (to Klinger) You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
Hawkeye: If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.
(Choppers approach) Hawkeye: (sighs) Wounded. B.J.: Klinger says a lot. Hawkeye: They'll never stop coming, you know. Trapper left, and they're still coming. Henry got killed, and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.
(Everyone has just come out of a long OR session) Margaret: (angrily) You're dismissed. Hawkeye: Thanks, Mom. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and work on MacArthur's hernia.
(Charles is the only one who can give the appropriate blood) Hawkeye: Charles, lie down and start bleeding.
Hawkeye: You've written her three days in a row. What are you trying to do, get bulk mail rates? Charles: I am trying, you unamusing little man, to prevent a wedding which begins (in Italian accent) "Eh, do youse take this woman?" Hawkeye: Before you start writing poison pen blessings, Charles, why don't you lie down and dry out? Charles: Because inebriation will enable me to form the words that will sway my sister. Hawkeye: Perfect. Right now you're an expert at swaying. Charles: (reads letter) "I await with baited garlic breath the announcement of your first born: To Honoria and Vito 'The Big Knife' Machete, a 12 pound, 10 ounce organ grinder." Hawkeye: When you mail that, you better wear a disguise. Why don't you dress up as a human being? No-one will recognize you. B.J.: All right, that does it. (shouts) That does it! I've had it with (to Hawkeye) your sanctimony and (to Charles) your bigotry! What I need is some tranquility. Like in a machine gun nest.
Margaret: I am a woman after all. Hawkeye: Is that true, Frank?
Trapper: (after being asked a question) How should I know? I dropped out of school to become a doctor.
Trapper: (after being asked to report to surgery) Doesn't Henry know today is a holiday? Its Aaron Burr's birthday. Radar: Who? Trapper: Aaron Burr, the guy who shot John Wilkes Booth.
Hawkeye: I'm in fine fettle. I've never felt fettler.
Trapper: Take a walk, Frank. Hawkeye: Yeah, take a major walk.
(Col Potter and Hawkeye are preparing to venture close to enemy territory) Col Potter: That thing loaded? B.J.: Filled it with water myself. Hawkeye: Watch out, everyone, I shoot to drown.
Col Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.
Corporal Klinger: Colonel Potter, sir; Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, Head to toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I like to play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out. Col Potter: Horse-hockey.
(Hawkeye is the temporary CO) Hawkeye: I don't know how to give orders. Col Potter: That's all right. No one around here knows how to take 'em.
(Discussing Trapper's opponent in a boxing tournament) Radar: A guy told me that he was crossing the road, and this jeep came too close to him. He punched it. Trapper: He punched a jeep? Radar: He knocked it out. Trapper: Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps. Hawkeye: Showboat.
Henry Blake: Frank, whatever it is, just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it.
Radar: Sir, there's someone waiting to see you. Henry Blake: I was born with someone waiting to see me.
Henry Blake: (not wanting to deal with Major Houlihan) Radar, turn on the news. Maybe the war just ended and I won't have to talk to her.
(a chopper is carrying Lt Col Blake's desk away) Hawkeye: Pardon me, Henry, isn't that your desk? Henry Blake: Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk. Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed? Henry Blake: I'm not sure what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up... up... up... Hawkeye: To a far, far better place, I'm sure.
(Someone outside the Swamp is shooting) Dr Sidney Freedman: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.
(as Maj. Burns looks for bombs in a field) B.J.: What's Frank up to? Hawkeye: I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so.
(Sgt. Zale, drunk, has broken his hand) B.J.: Congratulations, Sergeant. You've just turned your right hand into a maraca. Once I set it, you can sit in with the relief band. Zale: How come I don't feel no pain? B.J.: It's swimming upstream against the bourbon.
Henry Blake: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more.
(Calling Maj. Freedman) Hawkeye: Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce. Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?
(at Hawkeye's wake) B.J.: For he was a jolly good fellow. Col Potter: He was a jolly good fellow. Everyone: He was a jolly good fellow. Hawkeye: I was much too young to die.
Colonel Flagg: This won't look good on your record. Frank Burns: But colonel, it's just Reader's Digest. Colonel Flagg: Not if you eliminate the third, fifth, and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade.
(describing Maj. Houlihan) Maj. Winchester: Part seductress and part Attila the Hun.
Colonel Flagg: I've got to nip this guy in the bud. This sort of behavior is contagious, you know. One guy decides he's not gonna fight anymore, it catches on, and pretty soon you know what we've got? B.J.: Peace?
(Henry is appointing a head surgeon) Frank Burns: I can adjust. Henry Blake: I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce. Frank Burns: *What*? You can't. I won't stand for it. Henry Blake: Frank. The one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife. Now, I think that Pierce is the most fully competent surgeon around here, specializing in both chest and general surgery. Frank Burns: Are you suggesting he's a better surgeon than I am? Henry Blake: Yes. When the heat's on.
(Describing Frank and Hot Lips in a letter to his wife) Col Potter: She's the head nurse. He's the head twerp.
Radar: Sir, I was just crossing the compound when... Frank Burns: I have no interest in the compound. Corporal Klinger: He has no compound-interest.
Colonel Flagg: You think you're real smart. But you're not smart; you're dumb. Very dumb. But you've met your match in me.
Colonel Flagg: Now I'm blowing the whistle on you, Freedman. Dr Sidney Freedman: Blow away. Colonel Flagg: Col Potter, this man never signed his Loyalty Oath. You can be thrown out of the Army for that. Hawkeye: Sidney, that's brilliant. B.J.: Where do we go to not sign?
Frank Burns: I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot.
Charles: Sir, my father knows Harry Truman. He doesn't like him, but he knows him. Col Potter: Fine, you have dad call Harry, then have Harry call me, and then we will work something out. In the mean time, vamoose. Charles: Yes, sir, I am... vamoosing. But know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
Frank Burns: It's the way these yellow devils think. It's burned into their brains. Kill Americans, kill, kill. They don't respect human life the way we do. I'd like to take him out and shoot him.
Frank Burns: Why don't you guys like me? Hawkeye: Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person. Frank Burns: Aside from that. B.J.: Well, there's your pimples. Frank Burns: My pores won't close.
Hawkeye: You know that shot you gave me for the flu? Margaret: Yes. Hawkeye: Well it worked, I got it. Margaret: Are you sure? Hawkeye: Am I sure. Of course I'm sure. I want to go to a latrine that has all night service, my liver is swimming every time I look at anything, now tell me, do I have the flu or am I just in love? (Hawkeye takes out the thermometer) Margaret: I want to see if you have a fever. Hawkeye: Oh trust me. I've got fever to burn.
(Radar has met BJ's family in San Francisco) B.J.: First time my little girl ever called anybody "Daddy"... (sobs) B.J.: and it wasn't ME.
Charles: That rapier-like wit. I've seen snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies. Corporal Klinger: Oh, first I'm a plant; now, I'm breakfast food. What next? Charles: Well, you're crude and unrefined... how about petroleum?
Hawkeye: How much of this can a man take? We must have seen this picture twelve times in the last month. Its a recurring nightmare with popcorn.
B.J.: Big surprise dinner party. Spectacularly unforgetable. Have you ever considered renting your mouth out to the motor pool as a garage?
Hawkeye: Klinger, get back here as fast as you can. We want a few minutes before the party to beat the daylights out of you.
Hawkeye: I always feel very patriotic after OR. My whites are covered with red and it gives me the blues.
Charles: Hunnicutt, I've known a lot of people in my life. You are not among them.
Charles: Hawkeye, you remind of a dog I once had. He was cheerful in the morning, just like you, so I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese and they ate him.
B.J.: I've had it with your sanctimony and your bigotry. What I need is some tranquility, like in a machine gun nest.
Frank Burns: All right, where's my razor? Hawkeye: Been shaving your legs again, Frank?
Trapper: Personally, I think you should grow a beard, Frank. Frank Burns: Sure. Trapper: No, really. The women love it. Hawkeye: Here, I'll prove it. (walks over to Frank) Kiss me.
(Hawkeye and Trapper are doing obscene gestures behind Frank's back when he suddenly turns around) Frank Burns: A-ha. I caught you. Trapper: Doing what? Frank Burns: Doing those obscene gestures behind my back. Hawkeye: Oh, yeah? Which one? Frank Burns: You know, the one... (starts to do it)
(referring to Margaret and Frank) Trapper: Don't you love them? Hawkeye: You can have her, he's mine.
Hawkeye: Hello, bed. It's me, Captain Pierce. I'm coming in there.
Hawkeye: Blow in my ear. Margaret: What? Hawkeye: I'm so cold I think my pilot's gone out.
PA System: Attention all personnel. Due to the shortage of oil and wood, tonight's movie will be burned at 1800.
(Hawkeye's making out with one of the nurses) Nurse #1: Hawkeye? Hawkeye: Huh? Nurse #1: Tell me the truth. Do you respect me? Hawkeye: Do I respect the flag? Apple pie? Hamburgers? The loyalty of a fine dog? Nurse #1: That's all I wanted to know. (they continue making out)
(Hawkeye's making out with a nurse he thinks is married) Hawkeye: What am I doing? What am I doing? Nurse #2: Whatever it is, I approve.
Nurse #3: Does every new nurse fall in love with you here? Hawkeye: Only the ones with taste. Nurse #3: Do you think I have any? Hawkeye: I don't know, let me taste you.
Frank Burns: Klinger, how dare you wear that hat while in uniform. Corporal Klinger: It's spring, sir.
(Klinger reads Henry a letter from his mom that says his dad's dying) Henry Blake: Your father's dying, right? Corporal Klinger: Yes, sir. Henry Blake: (takes out a stack of papers and reads them) Father dying last year. Mother dying last year. Mother AND father dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Here's an oldie but a goodie: Half the family dying, the other half pregnant.
(after Klinger tries once again to get out of the Army) Henry Blake: Klinger, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Corporal Klinger: Yes, sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.
Col Potter: None of us wants to be here. I don't want to be here. Radar doesn't want to be here. The doctors and nurses don't want to be here. Certainly the wounded don't want to be here. But we've got to do our best.
Father Mulcahy: (singing) A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in Heck. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. BJ & Hawkeye: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Col Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Radar: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Corporal Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress? Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Margaret: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Margaret: (chastizing the nurses, as she holds back tears) Did you ever once show me any kind of friendship? Ask my help with a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine what it feels like to walk by this tent and hear you laughing and know... that I'm not invited? Did you ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee? Nurse: We didn't think you'd accept. Margaret: Well, you were wrong.
Radar: Colonel, do you know what I found in the morning's mail? Henry Blake: Now, that's a toughie. Hum a few bars, won't you, Radar?
Henry Blake: (his last words to Radar) You behave or I'm gonna come back and kick your butt.
(Hawkeye and BJ have just stumbled into a few booby traps in the Swamp set for them by Charles as he listens to a record playing Classical music) Charles: (looking over shoulder) Please, gentlemen... Mozart. (turns back, closes eyes contentedly)
Charles: A Winchester acknowledges only one 5: 30 a day. This is not it.
(Radar has just finished demonstrating with his teddy bear to some Korean women how to give birth) Col Potter: Congratulations, Mrs O'Reilly, it's a bear.
Colonel Flagg: I can find anything. Hawkeye: Can you find my virginity? I lost it twenty years ago and haven't seen it since.
(Margaret has just thanked Hawkeye) Hawkeye: Margaret, I'm honored, touched... and aroused.
Hawkeye: I've been stuck in this sewer longer than you have, and nobody wants out of here more than I do. B.J.: Really? Hawkeye: Yeah, and let me tell you something else: you're wasting your time with that stuff. I can tell you from personal experience it won't work for long. B.J.: Really? Hawkeye: Yeah. It may get you drunk, but it won't get you home. B.J.: Oh, yeah? (BJ proceeds to destroy the still) Hawkeye: What are you doing? B.J.: Just trying not to waste any more time.
(Hawkeye and BJ have made up after BJ punched Hawkeye in the face) B.J.: Here's mud in your eye. Hawkeye: Beats knuckles any day.
PA: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be cancelled.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky: See these fresh oranges? They don't grow on trees, you know.
Trapper: They got a lot of guts. Hawkeye: And they keep serving them.
Father Mulcahy: (offering to go through the local black market, for needed medicines) You'd be surprised what a priest can get away with.
Frank Burns: Klinger, I want you out of that dress tonight! Corporal Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!
Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset. Hawkeye: You're only off by two letters.
(it is extremely hot outside) PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - incoming wounded. Out of the frying pan and into the O.R.
(some wounded arrive at or around the middle of the night) PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - quit your dreaming; it's time for the nightmare.
(some wounded arrive at or around the middle of the night) PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - we interrupt your sweet dreams to bring you the following nightmare.
(a Halloween party is in progress) PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - some party guests have arrived - dressed as wounded soldiers.
(some wounded arrive at or around the middle of the night) PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - this is your wake-up call.
(yet more wounded arrive at or around the middle of the night) PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - rise and whine; we have more wounded. Don't make any plans for the weekend... or the week.
PA System Announcer: Hear ye, Hear ye, it's 0700 and all is hell. Incoming wounded, folks.
(there has been a long wait for a large load of wounded people) PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel... the wounded you've all been waiting for has finally arrived in person... report to the Big Top immediately; the circus is about to begin.
Hawkeye: Radar, you'll be assisting Margaret Houlihan, nurse, friend and all around good egg. (walks away as Radar stares at Margaret) Margaret: (noticing Radar staring at her) He's very sick.
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Will scotch be alright for everybody sir? Lt Col Henry Braymore Blake: Yeah, fine Radar, perfect. Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: (offering a drink to Captain Sloan) Uh, I ran out of ice sir, so I used bourbon.
Captain Hallorin: (sitting down beside Cpl. Klinger, and seeing him in drag for the first time) Hey... Up close, you're a guy! Corporal Klinger: Far away too.
Hawkeye: I'm too frightened to be scared.
B.J.: (handing Frank an unused Hari-Kari knife) Why don't you do us a favour, and break it in!
Radar: (after being awoken by Maj. Burns and appears confused) Oh, Korea!
Hawkeye: (after discovering a patient that is a baby) His draft board went crazy.
Hawkeye: You're a better nurse than I am, Gunga Din.
Gen Mitchell: I wonder if you doctors understand going through channels, military-wise speaking. Trapper: Sir, we started with a captain, went on to a major, then to a colonel. Hawkeye: On the way, we've encountered oral compulsiveness, raging paranoia, and a colonel who's shipping Korea to Switzerland one dollar at a time. Trapper: Which makes you the next contestant, Colonel. Hawkeye: And the subject you've chosen is "Incubators." Trapper: And we need one.
Colonel Lambert: (describing General Mitchell) Honest, true blue as the day is long, and about as interesting as a five-pound bag of fertilizer.
Hawkeye: (making out with a nurse in the Swamp, as Radar knocks) Hot Lips, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot you. Radar: It's Radar. Hawkeye: Radar, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot Hot Lips.
Corporal Klinger: Sir, I've had a lot of experience in these matters. Charles: I do not need the wisdom of your experience. I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.
Corporal Klinger: Major, look at the big picture. If you're smart, the only physical thing you'll greet Colonel Baldwin with is a handshake. This situation calls for tact, diplomacy, and sucking up. Charles: Suck up? A Winchester? Corporal Klinger: Remember: to grow a beautiful rose, sometimes you've gotta shovel a lotta manure. Charles: Why am I listening to this interminable drivel when there is a perfect murder to be planned?
Hawkeye: (exasperated at Quartermaster Sloan's denial of his request for a hospital incubator) We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven! Captain Sloan: Oh, I can let you have one of those. Henry Blake: No kidding! That would be great on movie nights! You got any of those pizza requisition forms? Captain Sloan: (referring to a generic Army requisition form) Oh, just use one of those standard S-1798s and write in "pizza" where it says "machine gun."
Gen Mitchell: Now just a minute! This is a press conference! The last thing I want to do is answer a lot of questions!
Hawkeye: Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of happy hour.
Colonel Flagg: No one knows when I come or when I go; I am the wind. Hawkeye: (to BJ) See, I told you he was the wind. You said he was the rain. B.J.: No, I said he was the wind; *you* said he was a ray of sunshine.
Col Potter: (meeting Hawkeye for the first time after reviewing his personnel file) I take it you drink? Hawkeye: Only to excess.
Col Potter: (after standing up for many hours in surgery) Soak your feet in this stuff, boys. I learned this little trick from Captain Harry Truman back in WWI. Hawkeye: Said footprints to be currently found on the backside of General Douglas MacArthur.
Col Potter: (first day in camp; reviewing officer files) Major Margaret Houlihan. Margaret: Sir! Col Potter: Ten years, spotless record. Margaret: Thank you, sir! Col Potter: Major Frank Burns. Margaret: Just friends, sir.
(Blake has just finished giving an army regulation sex presentation using two figures in the shape of humans) Trapper: Let's say figure Ais in love with figure B, but is in a terminal marriage with, say, figure C and figure B madly loves figure A but is engaged to figure D. What do they do then? Henry Blake: Well, according to the army he has to forget about her. Trapper: Figures.
Margaret: (about Henry Blake) You're nothing but a spineless, mealy-mouthed, fly-fishing imposter! Hawkeye: He's not an imposter. He happens to be a genuine spineless, mealy-mouthed, fly-fisher.
Margaret: Give them a direct order, Frank! Hawkeye: Oh, please, Frank. We've never ignored one of those before.
Frank Burns: Why is there someone's appendix in my shoe? Hawkeye: Because the other one is full of tonsils.
Hawkeye: (in describing the Swamp) We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system.
Hawkeye: (a cowboy and Indian movie is being shown) I'll give you 3 to 1. I'll take the Indians. B.J.: You're on. Five bucks. What's the name of this picture? Hawkeye: Custer's Last Stand.
Colonel Flagg: Hey, you! Corporal Klinger: What? Colonel Flagg: This is the army, soldier! Corporal Klinger: I get that feeling too! Colonel Flagg: Hey! Corporal Klinger: What? Colonel Flagg: Wearing that dress won't get you a section 8! Corporal Klinger: Then I'll just have to keep trying, Mary!
Frank Burns: At school I used to snitch on myself for not snitching.
Lyle Wesson: Hey, doc, they're getting ready to send me back! But, before I go, I wanted to get your home address, so we can be pen pals after the war. Hawkeye: (wanting this guy off of his back) Oh, no, you don't want to do that - I'm very boring, and besides, I write everything in prescription.
Frank Burns: You little scum, you! Shooting yourself. You oughta be shot for that!
Frank Burns: You disgust me! Hawkeye: You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.
Captain Sloan: I'm Captain Sloan, supervising Ac-Fin. Hawkeye: Ac-Fin? Captain Sloan: Accounting and Finance Hawkeye: Oh. Well, I'm Captain Pierce, aggravated Doc-Surge.
Trapper: If you won't help us, we'll tell everyone your brother's in prison! Henry Blake: My brother is the warden! Hawkeye: We won't say that part!
Frank Burns: (walking into the swamp) Filth! Decadence! Hawkeye: Here, sir! Trapper: Yo!
Frank Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority. Trapper: Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again.
Henry Blake: Major Burns says you've made the operating room impossible. Hawkeye: I know, all that blood and all those sick people - I can't stand it.
Maj. Winchester: I do one thing, I do it very well and then I move on.
Corporal Klinger: (Klinger enters Potter's office with a giant salami in one hand, and a giant loaf of bread in the other) 50 more pounds, and I'm homeward-bound! Col Potter: You're going to *eat* you way to a discharge? Corporal Klinger: I call it "Food for Freedom"! Col Potter: I call it "Suicide by Salami"! Corporal Klinger: I'll take my chances! Col Potter: Okay, when you can't get through that door, come see me. Corporal Klinger: I'll be wearing a size 30, sir.
Father Mulcahy: Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound, you better come on the double. Col Potter: Anybody hurt? Father Mulcahy: Well, the driver's a bit shaken-up, but he'll be all right. Col Potter: No-one else inside? Father Mulcahy: No. Col Potter: Thank God. Father Mulcahy: I already did.
Margaret: They love you, Frank! Frank Burns: It was their hating that fooled me.
Father Mulcahy: Remember, Hawkeye, patience is a virtue. Hawkeye: And you're taxing my virtue.
Hawkeye: (BJ and Hawkeye have been changing the size of Charles's pants) What're we going to do to him tomorrow? B.J.: Tomorrow, he gets taller.
Henry Blake: Jeep crash. Tent... boom... crash... kill.
Colonel Flagg: What's your clearance? Henry Blake: Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare. Colonel Flagg: I mean security wise.
Hawkeye: (after being given a martini first thing in the morning) My kidneys were expecting orange juice. Silly kidneys.
Henry Blake: Frank, it's after six. You can stop being snotty.
Frank Burns: I wish I was home. B.J.: I wish you was home too, Frank.
B.J.: (Hawkeye and B.J. had walked into the woods to try and find civilization) Just woods and more woods. Hawkeye: I met a little girl with a basket for her grandma. B.J.: Wearing a little red riding hood? Hawkeye: Actually she was with seven little dwarfs. B.J.: She's in the wrong woods. Hawkeye: Or the wrong story. Col Potter: Are you finished, doctors? Hawkeye: Are you... ? (B.J. nods) Yes. (Nods)
Col Potter: What are you beating your gums about, Major? Frank Burns: Well, Colonel, I don't think you appreciate the true nature of our situation, um, gravity-wise speaking. Col Potter: Unless I'm mistaken, we're lost, we can't move, we have no food or water, no blankets, no communications, night is falling, we may be right now in enemy territory. An enemy that would think nothing of giving us bamboo manicures up to our knuckles. Followed by boiling egg drop colonics. Does that sound like the proper appreciation, Major? Frank Burns: Pretty much, sir.
Frank Burns: (into walkie talkie) There is a fighter plane approaching. And, um, when I say "Now", the jet will be directly over my head. (the jet whooshes overhead) Now! B.J.: Frank, that thing is a thousand feet up going 500 miles an hour. Hawkeye: By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies. Frank Burns: I was just trying to help! Col Potter: Stop trying. That should help right off.
Col Potter: I've been in worse spots. Hawkeye: Have you ever tried getting dressed quietly in a dark closet with a pocket full of change?
Frank Burns: (about Radar) I think its agreed we all like him. Col Potter: Except whoever wrote me anonymously that Radar was selling tickets to the hole in the nurse's shower. Frank Burns: It wasn't me. Col Potter: Why would I think it was you? Frank Burns: Because I know people think that that's just the kind of thing I might do. Col Potter: Well why did you do it? Frank Burns: Because I felt is was my duty. Col Potter: I thought you said you didn't do it. Frank Burns: ... I thought I did too.
Col Potter: (Frank is guarding a POW) If you don't accidentally shoot yourself first, I'll relieve you in two hours. If you do, I'll relieve you earlier. That's it, let's get some kip.
Frank Burns: This is the last straw! Hawkeye: Remind me to order more straws.
Frank Burns: (into a walkie-talkie) Any allied personnel, if you receive me, here is my position. Ready? (peers out the window) There are only about half a dozen stars visible sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over. Hawkeye: Terrific, Frank. B.J.: They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.
Frank Burns: She was really warm for my form. Col Potter: And did you oblige? Frank Burns: I couldn't. Col Potter: Creep. Frank Burns: I wanted to save myself for Miss Right. B.J.: Miss Right? Hawkeye: Orville and Wilbur's sister. She invented the first airplane stewardess.
Col Potter: Hawkeye, we're none of us going wandering around out there. Unacceptable procedure. Also stupid. I won't have it. We can't look for him until first light. Frank Burns: (Hawkeye angrily kicks front of the bus, startling Burns awake) Oh! Col Potter: Easy, Burns. Hawkeye: (Frank holds a gun) Put that thing away. Cochise is gone. We formed the bus into a circle. Frank Burns: Is he back yet? Col Potter: No, not yet. Frank Burns: No, huh? Hawkeye: No, huh. That's right, huh.
Frank Burns: (aboard a broken down bus, they encounter a North Korean soldier) He's attacking. He wants us to surrender! B.J.: Either that or he's asking if this bus goes downtown.
Frank Burns: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet. Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're attacked by a bridge club.
Frank Burns: He's probably booby trapped. 'Could go off in our faces. Col Potter: Burns, don't start going on about going off. Let's get him inside. Hawkeye: You may be right, Frank. I think what he's done is he's cut a gash in his leg, inserted a grenade, and disguised it with his own blood. Frank Burns: Boy are they clever.
Frank Burns: I don't see why the American taxpayer has to pay for a wedding between these two *pagans*. Margaret: They're not "pagans," Frank. Everyone's going to be wearing clothes.
Margaret: Who the hell are you supposed to be? Charles: This is the latest in hunting attire from Ambercrombie & Fitch. Margaret: Well, you look like an overgrown bagpipe.
Frank Burns: I've got maple leaves on my shoulders. Henry Blake: And I've got dimples on my butt.
Henry Blake: This will be a real test of my leadershipmanship.
Frank Burns: What does he got that I haven't got? Margaret: Lips. Frank Burns: ... Lips aren't everything!
Radar: (on the phone with the US) Whoa, did you know it's yesterday there? Hawkeye: Well, it's today here. B.J.: It's always today here. Hawkeye: Oh, yeah? What about tomorrow? B.J.: Good point. Hawkeye: Ha, I wasn't born yesterday!
Frank Burns: I want everybody to understand that this is war, and that war is a call to arms! (raises a stapler and fires it) Hawkeye: (raises arms in surrender) Here's our money, mister. Don't staple us.
Hawkeye: (talking to Erika about marriage in "Radar's Report", Season Two) I'd love you in war and peace. Or Moby Dick. Any of the classics.
Condon: What are you guys trying to do to me? Did you give me the wrong color blood or not? Trapper: All blood is the same. Hawkeye: You ever hear of Dr Charles Drew, soldier? Condon: Who's that? Hawkeye: Dr Drew invented the process for separating blood so it can be stored. Trapper: Plasma. Hawkeye: He died last April after a car accident in North Carolina. Trapper: He bled to death. The hospital wouldn't let him in. Hawkeye: It was for whites only.
Hawkeye: Listen, there are a lot of people who think a big nose is a sign of sexual potency. Sorry, Father. Father Mulcahy: I just translate things like that into Latin. Makes them sound noble.
Sgt. Gribble: I can't stand needles, they make me feel all - ooogy. Hawkeye: I get the same feeling from peanut butter.
Pvt. Nick Gillis: (pulls a gun) Move away, Father, I'm getting out of here. Father Mulcahy: How dare you! You seek refuge in this house of the Lord when it serves your purpose. Then when it's no longer convenient, you desecrate it by pointing a deadly weapon at another human being. Private, a faith of convenience is a hollow faith.
Frank Burns: The men hate me, don't they? Radar: Just your guts, sir.
Henry Blake: Freeze, Korea! This is a stick-up!
Henry Blake: (Col Blake has just appointed Hawkeye as chief surgeon) Hawkeye, don't let me down. Hawkeye: (wearing his underwear and bathrobe) Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?