Less Than Perfect
2002
Claude Casey: Can I pull of mysterious and perky? Keep in mind, I will be wearing different shoes.
Lydia: Your scent is supposed to linger, not change global weather patterns.
Owen: Now this really steams my broccoli.
Kipp: Luke. Luke warm. Luke a hazard. Luke: Are you going anywhere with this plays off the name Luke thing? Kipp: There was a really big finish but I forget it.
Owen: Sorry I'm late I was busy last night. Damn Book Club! Ramona: You know, I don't get how every week you manage to make a bunch of little-old ladies wanna kill you. Owen: Well we were supposed to read a book by Stephen Hawking, and I missed the 'haw' part, and read a book by Stephen King. If I hadn't brought in those little hard candies I wouldn't have gotten ought of there alive.
Owen: If you don't focus... baby will never get out of that corner, you know what I'm saying? I think you do.
Kipp: Claude... Claude Casey: You're welcome, Kipp. Kipp: I was going to say: could I borrow $10 for lunch?
Ramona: It feels like your parents were just here. Claude Casey: That's because... they were.
Claude Casey: All those hurtful things they said, you can't take them personally. Some of them they've used before, like, "you should be ashamed of yourself, young man," which is nearly a rip off of, "you should be ashamed of yourself, young lady!" Which was the them of Mothers Day 1994.
Claude's mom: He is a lamb! An absolute deer! Claude Casey: Yeah, he's an entire petting zoo, Mom.
Kipp: I am not here to be CHALLENGED, I'm just trying to HELP you.
Kipp: Hurry! Quick, quick, quick quick, quick! Lydia: Oh my God! Are they coming? Kipp: No, it's just really creepy down here, somebody brought a lunch from home!
Kipp: Sorry to interrupt the Augunklin Round Table, but isn't this the kind of game you play in a Mexican prison? Owen: No, what you're thinking of is Pentelonian's 'Caliente.' Which is fun but really there are no winners.
Lydia: You'd think she rode into work on a donkey.
(It's Valentine's Day and the cafeteria shows it) Kipp: Isn't there a single sausage patty that isn't shaped like a heart? Lydia: I know. Why does the cafeteria have to recognize this particular holiday? It's not like every Fourth of July they blow the food up.
Kipp: Hey, is that Owen with a girl? Lydia: Oh my God, it is. (pause) Should we go and help her?
Lydia: So, what, are you and your boyfriend doing something sickeningly sweet today? Claude Casey: Well, we would have, but Charlie had to drive his grandfather's El Camino down to Florida. But, he did send me a dozen beautiful red roses. Lydia: Yeah, well, I'm sure they came from one of I-95's *finer* rest-stops.
(The cafeteria is all decorated for Valentine's Day) Claude Casey: Isn't it romantic? It's Valentine's Day. Lydia: (sarcastically) Really?
Lydia: No one thinks I'm funny. I think I'm *so* funny.
Lydia: (to Kipp) My hair looks too good for me to be standing here talking to you.
Lydia: If you're so damn smart why are you working for a florist?
(Claude thinks she's going on a date with Will) Ramona: You are naïve and gullible and he will take advantage of you. Claude Casey: God, I hope so.
Lydia: Wait, Kipp, what if this really is our last moment alive? Kipp: Then I should take some stuff off my computer.
Claude Casey: Lydia says crinkly bags and parties don't mix. Ramona Platt: Lydia *is* a crinkly bag.
Lydia: We need to have a beautiful, intimate, one-of-a-kind first date story that will make other women say, "God, I hate her." Jeb Denton: You really think you need a story for that?
Claude Casey: So. You and Jeb are like two peas in a pod. Will Butler: He was not a good hire. Claude Casey: What? I thought that you liked him. Will Butler: Not anymore. Did you hear his boat caught on fire? Claude Casey: Well, that's terrible. I don't know that's necessarily a character flaw. Will Butler: Everybody knows it's my thing to talk about boat problems. Claude Casey: Well... hey! Maybe you'll get lucky and your boat will sink. Will Butler: Oh, Claude. You always know how to cheer me up.
Claude Casey: Just back off! He's *mine*! (Claude turns and plants one on Kipp, Kipp's date walks off, Kipp looks truly horrified) Claude Casey: Walk it off. J-J-Just walk it off! That's what I'm gonna do!