Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
2004
Count Olaf: All that I ask is that you do every little thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.
Count Olaf: Now that we're a family, I can be the ulll-timate DAD.
Violet Baudelaire: We are very concerned.
Count Olaf: Ah, my dear... (reads the labels and pictures on his hands) Count Olaf: Violet...
(Sunny jabbers in baby talk) Count Olaf: I'm sorry, I don't speak *monkey*.
Lemony Snicket: (narrating) This is the story of the three Baudelaire children. Violet loved to invent; her brother, Klaus, loved to read; and their sister, Sunny... she loved to bite. My name is Lemony Snicket and it is my duty to tell you their tale. No one knows the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire, but just like that, the Baudelaire children became the Baudelaire orphans.
Sunny: (subtitled baby talk) She's the mayor of crazy town.
Count Olaf: Beef, yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for "beef that has been roasted".
(Olaf is about to enter the store, leaving the kids in the car) Count Olaf: (to Violet) Soda. Count Olaf: (to Klaus) Soda. Count Olaf: (to Sunny) Banana. Sunny: (subtitled baby talk) Bite me.
Klaus Baudelaire: How could they do this to us? Violet Baudelaire: They're just mean people... Klaus Baudelaire: Not them. Mom and Dad.
Klaus Baudelaire: Nothing happens by coincidence.
Klaus Baudelaire: You know, Curdled Cave is for sale. Aunt Josephine: So? Klaus Baudelaire: So, pretty soon people are going to come to look at it. And some of those people will be... realtors. (Aunt Josephine gasps)
(about Aunt Josephine's deceased husband, Ike) Klaus Baudelaire: Did Ike die in a fire? Aunt Josephine: No... he was killed by leeches Sunny: (non-subtitled) Okay
Violet Baudelaire: At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place. But believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact, be the first steps of a journey.
Count Olaf: I must say, you are a gloomy-looking bunch. Why so glum? Klaus Baudelaire: Our parents just died. Count Olaf: Ah yes. How very, very tragic. Wait! Wait! Give me that line again, while it's fresh in my head. Klaus Baudelaire: Our... parents just died? Count Olaf: (not acting very well) Yes. Very horrible. Sunny: (in baby talk) What a schmuck!
Violet Baudelaire: (after having made "puttanesca" for Olaf's theatre troupe) Dinner is... served. Violet Baudelaire: Puttanesca. Count Olaf: What did you call me? Klaus Baudelaire: *Pasta*, pasta... puttanesca.
Klaus Baudelaire: Violet, nothing happens by coincidence.
Count Olaf: ... And I realized I have been a bit standoffish, Shall we say. Which in this case is a big, big word meaning... Violet Baudelaire: (interrupting) Pure evil.
Violet Baudelaire: It's the letter, the letter that never came. Dearest Children, Since we have been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, where you're older, you will learn all about the people we've befriended, and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in-fact be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon darlings, but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other with kindness, and bravery, and selflessness as you always have. And remember one thing my darlings and never forget it - that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family, and you are home. Your loving parents.
Violet Baudelaire: Are you okay? Klaus Baudelaire: No.
(Jim Carrey sings a sea shanty as Captain Sham towards the end of the end credits) Count Olaf: Oh, the Captain loved the ladies / But he dragged himself a wife / Now he's wishin' he was fishin' / But he's on the hook for life. Count Olaf: Well, I guess he shouldn't 've oughta / But he drowned her in the water / And then a flounder downed her / That's why they never found her.
Aunt Josephine: Where's your brother? Violet Baudelaire: Kitchen. Aunt Josephine: Klaus! What are you doing? Klaus Baudelaire: Napkins. Aunt Josephine: Napkins. Oh, napkins are here. Come away from the fridge. If it falls it'll crush you flat.
Klaus Baudelaire: These things don't just happen.
Count Olaf: (through closed front door, after bell rings) In-trude!
Mr Poe: Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremely unfortunate event. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this but your parents have perished in a fire that has destroyed your entire home.
Count Olaf: Why aren't you orphans in the kitchen preparing dinner? Violet Baudelaire: Dinner? Count Olaf: It's the French word for the evening meal.
Klaus Baudelaire: You won't get a cent until Violet turns 18. Count Olaf: Oh really... says who? Klaus Baudelaire: The law. Look it up.
Klaus Baudelaire: Do you think anything will ever feel like home again? (Violet ties up her hair) Lemony Snicket: (narrating) Sanctuary... is a word which here means a small, safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea.
Uncle Monty: Now, the children will be helping us extensively with the research in Peru. Do you have any experience with children? Count Olaf: (in disguise as Stephano) Children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I do know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.
Mr Poe: (about Stephano) The Italian fiend!
Sunny: (looking for Aunt Josephine) Aunt Jo!
Aunt Josephine: (the children have gasped at recognizing Count Olaf) The black plague! Is it the black plague?
Klaus Baudelaire: Are you sure you tied your hair tight enough?
Klaus Baudelaire: (backstage after Count Olaf has revealed his plan to marry Violet otherwise he'll kill Sunny) No... no you're not gunna go through with this. Violet Baudelaire: I have to. Klaus Baudelaire: No come on, there's always something. There's always something. Violet Baudelaire: Not this time. Klaus Baudelaire: But... Violet Baudelaire: Go Klaus. Klaus Baudelaire: Violet... Violet Baudelaire: Go!
Violet Baudelaire: (points to the bobble head "Little Elf" in the rear window of the car) Sunny - bite the head off of that elf! Sunny: (subtitled baby talk) Love to!
Klaus Baudelaire: Aunt Josephine? Violet Baudelaire: Never heard of her. Klaus Baudelaire: Doesn't it strike you odd that none of our relatives are related to us?
Klaus Baudelaire: What would Violet do... what would Violet do... ?
Count Olaf: (handing off Sunny) Hot potato!
Count Olaf: You just stay where you're at and we'll come where you're to!
Klaus Baudelaire: We have to go to the authorities! Violet Baudelaire: No. Klaus Baudelaire: What? Violet Baudelaire: They won't listen. They never listen! We have to find Aunt Josephine - by ourselves.
Aunt Josephine: I hate it here. Violet Baudelaire: Well, maybe, Aunt Josephine, you should think about moving. Aunt Josephine: Oh, I could never, ever sell this house. (pause) Aunt Josephine: I'm terrified of realtors. (flashback) Realtor: Is this a bad time? Aunt Josephine: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
Lemony Snicket: (narrating) In a world of abandoned items and discarded materials, Violet knew there was always something. Something she could fashion into nearly any device, for nearly every occasion.
Lemony Snicket: (narrating) If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
Lemony Snicket: (narrating) I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however... Count Olaf: Orphans! Lemony Snicket: (narrating) ... they were correct.
Count Olaf: (speaking to Klaus) Why, you little... Sunny: (bites him) (speaking baby talk) Back off, Parrot Face! Count Olaf: Ohhhh! (gasping) Sunny: (baby talk) I'll bite higher! Count Olaf: (speaks gibberish) Sunny: (baby talk) Don't mock me! Count Olaf: (speaks gibberish again) Sunny: (baby talk) Wow, you *are* nuts.
Hook-Handed Henchman: Look what I did to pretty little home... Let's finish it!
Mr Poe: If something happened to the Baudelaires, you wouldn't get the Baudelaire fortune. Count Olaf: Say what? Mr Poe: Unless, of course, the exception of blood relatives and married couples. Count Olaf: Really? (thinks for a moment) Mr Poe... Have I told you about. our new play?
Uncle Monty: We can have time for chit-chat later. What I need now is the work of a reader, an inventor, and a biter. Sunny: (in baby talk) My teeth are at your service, sir.
Lemony Snicket: The Baudelaires had each other. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.
The Critic: So, you wanna get some Chinese after the show? The Detective: Yeah, let's get them! The Critic: I meant food.
The Detective: I thought I knew avant garde. The Critic: I thought I knew avant garde. The Detective: I know Avant Johnson. The Critic: You know Avant Johnson? I used to shave his grandmother.
Count Olaf: Look it up, bookworm!
Count Olaf: I will care for these orphans as if they were actually wanted!
Violet Baudelaire: There's always something.
(the Baudelaires are making Pasta Puttanesca) Violet Baudelaire: Sunny, how's that pot coming? (Sunny appears with a spitoon) Sunny: (subtitled) Voila! Klaus Baudelaire: Uh ,Sunny, that's not a pot. That's a spitoon. Violet Baudelaire: A spitoon? You mean as in... ? Klaus Baudelaire: Yes. Violet Baudelaire: We'll wash it twice.
The Critic: (about Violet and Olaf in the play, to the Detective) She doesn't deserve him.
Count Olaf: You know, there's a big world out there filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow that is cast by my accomplishments.
Count Olaf: (Masquerading as a peg-legged sailor) Sure, I get the good parking spots, but who could love a man with one leg and a face like a hen's arse?
The Detective: (to Violet) Little girl, the big cage door is open. No snake. Dead guy. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking who woke me up at nine in the morning for this?
Mr Poe: Count Olaf? What are you doing here? The Detective: Please, Mr Poe. (to Olaf) Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?
Sunny: (subtitled, after biting Count Olaf) I can bite higher
Sunny: (subtitled baby talk) Someone's been to crazy town.
Count Olaf: (as Stephano) Perhaps you should reevaluate your hypothesis.
Klaus Baudelaire: Everything happens for a reason.
Lemony Snicket: This would be an excellent time to walk out of the theater, living room, or airplane where this film is being shown.
White Faced Woman #2: (talking to other white faced woman) He said the milkmaid, not the cow.
Lemony Snicket: (after Aunt Josephine has told the children that she is afraid of realtors) There is two kinds of fear. Rational and irrational. Being afraid of realtors is irrational.