Law & Order
1990
(Opening narration) Narrator: In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.
(Discussing a small steel spring that is radioactive) Scientist: So do you have any suspects with nuclear reactors in their basements? Det. Lennie Briscoe: As a matter of fact, we do.
Barclay: He and his father, they're all alike with their Irish temper. They lose control and next thing you know you have a murder. Jack McCoy: Oh, Harrigan did it because he's a Mick. Det. Logan's a Mick. I'm a Mick, sir and if you don't shut up, I'll lose control and throw you out of the room.
Jack McCoy: It's like Jonestown without the Kool-Aid.
Ben Stone: Better to light a match than curse the darkness. Adam Schiff: Be careful you don't light a fuse.
Adam Schiff: Terrific. Now to win a larceny trial all we have to do is prove how the universe ends.
Adam Schiff: What happened to "Give me your huddled masses"? What the hell has happened to this city?
Jamie Ross: Killers are protected by the church, the law says two people can fire the same bullet and now the victim's mom forgives the murderer. You figure it out. Jack McCoy: You don't think you could? Jamie Ross: Forgive him? No. Jack McCoy: Neither could I. What does that say about us?
Abbie Carmichael: I have a solution that will make us all happy. ADA Jack McCoy: What's that? Abbie Carmichael: No deals for anybody. Let's hang 'em all.
Detective Rivera: You know, McCoy, you wanna put the bad guys behind bars you have to get your hands dirty. Jack McCoy: The problem is, detective, sometimes it doesn't stop at the hands.
Adam Schiff: You got around double jeopardy. You climbed Everest in your shorts. On a cold day.
Adam Schiff: Started with a murder, ends with an execution. You got what you wanted. Take the rest of the week off. Jack McCoy: It's Friday, Adam. Adam Schiff: So it is. See you on Monday.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch. Apparently here at Riker's that mean that they watch you commit suicide.
Michael Dobson: You know I don't need you to tell me I'm a sonuvabitch. Been one for a long time. The hours are good and there's no heavy lifting. But I happen to be a sonuvabitch whose wife was shot by another sonuvabitch.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: New Hampshire. I spent a year there one weekend.
Danielle Melnick: You turning soft on me, Jack? Jack McCoy: You know I'm a sucker for an execution. I'm just here for the tortellini.
Ben Stone: The commandment says, "Thou shalt not kill". It does not say, "Thou shalt not kill only nice people".
Adam Schiff: Quick. Lock the door. Someone will walk in with a case we can win.
Jack McCoy: Kills three people and hides behind the bottle. Jamie Ross: The law says he can. Jack McCoy: The law. Probably written on a cocktail napkin. Intent follows the bullet. It shouldn't matter if it was fired by a drunk or Carrie Nation.
Jack McCoy: I've got you for conspiracy, and if I eat my Wheaties I can get you for second-degree murder.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: You know, if I didn't already know you don't have kids, I'd know you don't have kids.
Det. Mike Logan: I've been eager myself. It's not a crime.
Adam Schiff: For four murders, he gets five years? Jack McCoy: When I made the deal, I had no idea... Adam Schiff: You had no idea because your blood was rushing downstream to somewhere south of the border.
(Rifling through 30-year old evidence) Det. Lennie Briscoe: I got one word for you, Rey - plastics.
Adam Schiff: Clarence Darrow had Leopold and Leob, and who do we have? Jack McCoy: Beavis and Butthead.
(Briscoe and Logan arrest a rock star) Manager: We'll sue you for false arrest. We're going to get our lawyers. Det. Lennie Briscoe: Oh, lawyers. I'm so scared. You hear that, Mike? Det. Mike Logan: Oh, I'm shaking in my blue suede shoes.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: We got a hit on the fake fur. Det. Rey Curtis: Yeah, you'll never guess what they make them out of. Lt Anita Van Buren: Recycled soda bottles. What else did you find out?
Ben Stone: Although justice must be tempered with mercy, it must still maintain a sense of retribution.
Adam Schiff: Young people get impatient with old people. Especially cantankerous ones. Ben Stone: Oh yeah? Speaking from personal experience? Adam Schiff: I'm a sweetheart. And I'm middle age.
Adam Schiff: You and the girl's lawyer want to pressure her into pleading to a lesser charge that she might *not* be guilty of so she won't be convicted of a more serious charge that she *might* be guilty of? Does that make sense? Ben Stone: With our system and imperfect knowledge? Yes.
Ben Stone: The jury should look like society. People that represent the victim as well as the defendant
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Even though you are a taxpayer, you know, we don't actually work for you personally.
Jack McCoy: Justice is a by-product of winning.
Det. Mike Logan: My mother used to hold a rosary in one hand while she beat me with the other. The next time I enter a church, six of my closest buddies will be carrying me.
Shambala Green: We're pleading temporary insanity. Ben Stone: What, yours or your client's?
(Trying to keep a suspect from escaping through a window) Det. Ed Green: Rock, paper, scissors, gun.
(Stone has just been punched in the face) Ben Stone: It only hurts when I prosecute.
Emil Skoda: That's just a load of rehearsed crap.
(searching a suspect's apartment, Stone finds assorted S&M gear) Elizabeth Hendrick: It's my hope chest. Ben Stone: What were you hoping for?
Jack McCoy: I remember how hard it was when I realized my father was a son of a bitch. I can't imagine what it must be like when you realize you raised one.
Jack McCoy: You played me, you son of a bitch!
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I'm trying to decide what to arrest you for - obstruction of justice, harboring a fugitive or just being a general pain in the ass!
Detective Lennie Briscoe: We had a deal, you son of a bitch!
Jack McCoy: You son of a bitch! You played me!
Adam Schiff: You do what you have to do, you're still welcome to my scotch.
Diego Garza: Should I say how I didn't mean to do it? Det. Lennie Briscoe: You mean how you only killed him because he wouldn't give you his watch? Yeah, put that in there, the D.A. would really like that.
(after convicting a physics professor of 2nd degree murder) Ben Stone: But on the other hand he killed a woman, so I had to play it by the book. Adam Schiff: You feel bad about that? Ben Stone: Twenty-five years - he's not your typical killer. Adam Schiff: He is - he killed somebody.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I want to go to law school so I can learn how to turn gold into lead.
Abbie Carmichael: ... I know what you're going to say, but we don't hand out Brownie points for helping people kill themselves.
Abbie Carmichael: Spare me the violins...
Abbie Carmichael: It's a suicide, it's an accident, it's a breath mint. This guy gives me a headache.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I told you, you should have gone to bed with her. You're getting the grief without getting the gravy.
Jack McCoy: Your grief might seem a little more real had you not just admitted you cut off your wife's head.
(In a run-down Harlem apartment building) Little Girl: Are you The Man? Sgt. Max Greevey: Yes. Yes, we are honey.
Adam Schiff: ... after twenty years in this office, you'd think you'd have a sense of reality. Ben Stone: Reality? The reality is that no one is willing to draw a line in the sand. Nobody is willing to say that the law is the law. And if you break it, you will be prosecuted: win, lose or draw.
Det. Ed Green: If you're going to lie, be creative or we'll get bored.
Narrator: (opening narration, 12th season, 2001-2002) On September 11th, 2001, New York City was ruthlessly and criminally attacked. While no tribute can ever heal the pain of that day, the producers of "Law & Order" dedicate this season to the victims and their families, and to the fire fighters and police officers, who remind us with their lives and courage what it truly means to be an American.
Jack McCoy: Are you kidding? Shelly Cates could convince a jury that Jeffrey Dahmer had an eating disorder.
Jack McCoy: Sometimes you have to make deals with the devil. Jamie Ross: Just make sure you don't get your eyebrows singed.
Lt Anita Van Buren: Were you born a smart-ass, or did it just come with the job? Jack McCoy: I'm a pussycat. You should've met my old man. Lt Anita Van Buren: Lawyer? Jack McCoy: Cop.
(trying to prosecute two thrill-killers) Jack McCoy: I'm playing legal tiddlywinks with these punks. What I'd really like to do is take them out to Battery Park and hang them by the scrotum.
Sammy Morris: What, the sister? She's murdered? You kiddin' me. Det. Lennie Briscoe: If I was kiddin' you, I'd be wearin' a fez and no pants.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Boy, I'd hate for somebody to trace me by what I read. Det. Rey Curtis: You read, Lennie?
Lt Anita Van Buren: If he's not Fallon, who the hell is he? Det. Lennie Briscoe: Well the FBI says he's not in the witness protection program but they mighta had their fingers crossed.
(a witness has a mental condition causing him to sometimes act irrationally) Ben Stone: Your psychiatrist tells us that you have moments of rational thought. We're going to take care of you, and you're going to go back in there and have one of those moments.
Witness: It used to be that you honked when somebody cut you off. Now they drag you out of the car, and beat the crap out of you. Det. Rey Curtis: Why not? Who's gonna stop him? You?
(the trial of a policeman has just ended in his suicide) Ben Stone: It's the last one, no more cops, it's too hard. D/Sgt. Max Greevey: Know why I wouldn't let go? Because there but for the grace of God go I, or any cop. You get caught, you get prosecuted. Ben Stone: Didn't know you were a philosopher, Max. D/Sgt. Max Greevey: Just an ex-altar boy with a gun.
Jack McCoy: Never get Freudian on a man holding a pickle.
Lt Anita Van Buren: Do you believe him? Det. Lennie Briscoe: I believe on a good day he couldn't hit his ass with both hands.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: When I was a kid growing up around here, worst thing that could happen was you skinned your knee playing Johnny on the pony. Det. Rey Curtis: I don't remember my childhood being that rosy. Det. Lennie Briscoe: When was that, last week?
Danielle Melnick: Julian Prusse is accused of a crime but that doesn't make him Hannibal Lecter.
Danielle Melnick: Hello, Jack. Ok, let's talk turkey. What are you up to?... And don't give me that party line about Prusse being a threat to society. Jack McCoy: When you argue, I have this compulsive need to argue back.
Lt Anita Van Buren: So, I heard you went in hot pursuit today. Det. Ed Green: Yeah. Perp tried to climb out the window. Lt Anita Van Buren: I'm surprised you didn't push him. Det. Ed Green: (pause) Me, too.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: (in disgust to Det. Ed Green) Ed, I sold my plantation over a century ago.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Divorce lawyers... God's way of telling you to stay single. Det. Rey Curtis: Or married.
(Testifying against a racist killer) Lionel Jackson: I remember the voice of the first white man who told me not to come in his store. I remember the voice of the doctor who told me I had a healthy son. And I remember the voice of the man who took out a gun and shot me.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Love - a dangerous disease instantly cured by marriage.
ADA Jamie Ross: I believe in monsters and things that go bump in the night, Jack. May they rot in hell, along with their attorneys.
Det. Mike Logan: I thought she said she hadn't spoken to her ex in over a year? Det. Lennie Briscoe: Maybe she got her dates mixed up. Det. Mike Logan: You remember the last time you talked to your ex? Det. Lennie Briscoe: July 17, 1994 2: 35pm
Det. Mike Logan: Look, Eric, let me make this real simple. We're gonna look at your girlfriend's ID and if she's one day shy of seventeen, we're gonna sweep this entire place and what do you bet we'll find some sort of controlled substance?
(about a mother kicking her drug-addict daughter out on the streets) Det. Lennie Briscoe: So, the mother should've allowed her daughter to shoot the family fortune into her arm? Det. Mike Logan: Would you kick your daughter out just to save the family fortune? Det. Lennie Briscoe: My daughter could go through my family fortune in a day and a half.
(after Claire saves Ben from being held in contempt) Judge: Give her a raise, Ben. Because you were about to walk out of here in cuffs.
Racist Killer: You ever see a black lawyer at work? It's like watching a platypus. Defense atty.: A platypus, huh? That's a big word. You know, you don't sound as stupid as you look.
EADA Ben Stone: I don't mind when you want to make new law, Norman, but next time I wish you'd choose a more deserving client. Prof. Norman Rothenberg: We can't always choose them, Ben. EADA Ben Stone: So it doesn't concern you that justice won't be done? Prof. Norman Rothenberg: My only concern is the law. I'll leave justice to a more majestic authority.
Peter Nicodos: But I'm innocent. I didn't kill anybody. ADA Jack McCoy: You've already learned the Rikers Island theme song. Good for you.
D.A. Arthur Branch: Sometimes the good you do won't do you any good.
Adam Schiff: A motive pulled straight from the tabloids. And what about means and opportunity? Are you getting that from comic books?
EADA Ben Stone: My father wanted me to be a doctor. I took a year of medical school just to please him. Adam Schiff: What happened? EADA Ben Stone: I grew up.
Det. Mike Logan: Max, you're drawing conclusions. Sgt. Max Greevey: Let's just say I heard a dog bark.
Det. Mike Logan: We're going for a record. Det. Lennie Briscoe: What scares me is the day's not over yet.
(regarding a case where the wife cut her husband's penis off) Lt Anita Van Buren: She might as well have put it through the heart. Det. Lennie Briscoe: That's not very compassionate. Lt Anita Van Buren: What kind of life is this guy gonna have without... you know? Det. Lennie Briscoe: Maybe he's got some other life-long pursuits. Lt Anita Van Buren: Like what? You think he plays the clarinet? Det. Lennie Briscoe: I hope he plays the clarinet.
Sgt. Max Greevey: I don't wanna see this guy without back-up. Det. Mike Logan: Back-up? I don't wanna see him without nuclear weapons.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Just like the Bates Hotel. They check in but they never check out.
Prof. Norman Rothenberg: What part of double jeopardy don't you understand? Jack McCoy: I'm well acquainted with it Mr Rothenberg, and it doesn't scare me.
Elias Grace: Isn't it great to say exactly what you feel? Det. Lennie Briscoe: I tried that with my first wife.
(Lennie has just found out that one of his daughters has been murdered) Det. Lennie Briscoe: She was my baby, Rey. What am I gonna do now? Det. Rey Curtis: You're coming home with me, partner.
(a victim has died, apparently during S&M sex) Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: No defensive wounds. Det. Lennie Briscoe: That's odd. Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Yeah, the fun part for these guys is the struggle AFTER they've been tied up. (pause) Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Or so I've heard.
(During the cross-examination of a movie director on trial for murder) EADA Jack McCoy: What's your latest film about, Mr Newmann? Talking bears? A daring, neo-realist foray into Jellystone Park?
(On Detective Rey Curtis) Detective Lennie Briscoe: I got ties older than him. Few pairs of shoes, too.
Lt Anita Van Buren: I'd like it if you two became real partners. Detective Lennie Briscoe: And I'd like it if my ex-wives got partners. No more alimony.
Detective Lennie Briscoe: You know, Rey, if you ever left the police department, you could have a hell of a career as an egg timer.
Lt Anita Van Buren: I'd better go. I'm late for my daily spanking at One Police Plaza.
Jack McCoy: I bought lunch. I didn't know what you like, so I got salad, lo-cal dressing... Abbie Carmichael: Lo-cal? I burn it, I don't store it... what did you get? Jack McCoy: Ribs. (Abbie takes the ribs) Abbie Carmichael: Great! Sounds good. I'll eat, you graze.
DA Branch: Well, I guess it beats dousing yourself in rum and lighting up a Cohiba.
EADA Jack McCoy: You can re-write the law when you're appointed to the Supreme Court. D.A. Arthur Branch: God willing.
(searching through piles of trash) Det. Lennie Briscoe: How many apartments are in this building? Det. Mike Logan: 30. Det. Lennie Briscoe: Do they ALL have to eat eggs?
ADA Jack McCoy: There comes a time in everyone's political career when you have to expect a couple over easy in the kisser.
(handcuffing a suspect) Det. Lennie Briscoe: You've heard of the Seven Rings of Saturn? These are the Two Rings of Riker's.
Jack McCoy: (at a self-proclaimed psychic's trial) So, how will this trial turn out? Defense attorney: (shouts) Objection! Judge: Very funny, Mr McCoy. Please don't do that again
ADA Serena Southerlyn: So, her sex life is way better than mine, so what?
(viewing bodies of people killed in a fire) Det. Mike Logan: I've never seen this many. You? Sgt. Phil Cerreta: Not in civilian life.
(about Max Greevey's killer, who'd also considered trying to kill Max's wife) Capt Donald Cragen: 'Maybe threaten his old lady'... too bad he didn't take that route. Marie would have kicked his ass!
(to a suspect who lied) Ben Stone: That was very cutsy-poo! "A little over a million." It was a million over a million!
Ben Stone: I'm not the one on trial here, and I'm the one who asks the questions!
Det. Ed Green: (a suspect, who'd complained of radiating pain in his neck, tries to escape from his apartment; Green goes to apprehend him) That's good, now radiate your ass up against the wall!
(an activist is upset that Adam is prosecuting an AIDS victim) Larry Adler: If you don't back off on this, Adam, I will bury you! Adam Schiff: Start digging.
(the driver of a Jaguar has been shot; a carjacking is suspected) Det. Ed Green: Just give up the car! Man, when are people gonna realize it isn't worth your life? Det. Lennie Briscoe: Spoken like somebody who's never owned a Jag.
Ben Stone: True love! They'd trade each other for a nickel.
Det. Rey Curtis: When I filled out my ethnicity, I had to put "Other"...
Jack McCoy: (waiter brings a drink bought by the defense attorney in the last case) Take it back. ADA Claire Kincaid: You can't forgive anyone, can you? Jack McCoy: Nope. Besides, that was bourbon; I'm drinking scotch.
(Arthur Gold has just lost a case to Stone) Arthur Gold: Call me for lunch. (Gold drives away) ADA Paul Robinette: You'd really eat lunch with him? EADA Ben Stone: Only if he orders 'crow'.
(a woman is trying to convince a cop and his partner to raid an apartment for drugs) Cop #1: Look, lady, I keep telling you: we can't just bust into an apartment without probable cause! Woman: (to a junkie on the stoop) Hey! Where you get your drugs? Junkie: 4-B... Cop #1: (to his partner) That sound like probable cause to you? Cop #2: Yep.
Danielle Melnick: (to a witness) You were scheduled to be deported, were you not? But in exchange for your testimony... Ben Stone: Objection! That's a lie! Judge: Approach. (They do) All questions of fact will be for the jury to decide, Mister Stone. Ben Stone: If I'm slandered, Your Honor, I have to defend myself. Judge: Ms Melnick, any remarks which further provoke Mr Stone will also provoke me - and you will regret it.
(an elderly witness has called the police department) Lt Anita Van Buren: (Hangs up phone) Any one of you have a girlfriend in a nursing home? Det. Mike Logan: That would be Lennie.
(about Claire Kincaid's death) Jack McCoy: You know, before it happened... she wanted to quit. I talked her out of it. Det. Lennie Briscoe: Yeah, well... I could have kept walking past that bar.
(Discussing Arthur Branch, the new DA) Jack McCoy: Nice fella. ADA Serena Southerlyn: And his politics? Jack McCoy: Nice fella.
(looking at a murder victim) Det. Ed Green: Bare foot, cross painted on her chest. Looks like we're dealing with some religious nut.
(knock on Van Buren's door) Lt Anita Van Buren: Can I help you? Det. Joe Fontana: I'm Fontana. Lt Anita Van Buren: Oh, hey, Anita Van Buren. This is your new partner. Det. Ed Green: Hey, man. Ed Green. Det. Joe Fontana: It's about time they gave me a partner with a little smooth.
(watching Fontana leave Van Buren's office) Det. Ed Green: Wasn't sure if he was a cop or a wiseguy. Lt Anita Van Buren: Make it work Ed.
Det. Joe Fontana: I didn't realize I got transfered into the local chapter of Amnesty International.
(watching Van Buren and Fontana tear into each other) Det. Ed Green: Look, we can sit here and argue politics all day long, but there's still gonna be a dead girl in the morgue.
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: I got another body coming in. Guy took a javelin to the chest. Det. Lennie Briscoe: Why are you still in this line of work? Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Free javelins.
(phone rings, Rodgers answers) Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Rodgers. (pause; she hands the phone to Green) Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Your lieutenant. (Green looks at the receiver but won't touch it) Det. Ed Green: What's that on the receiver? Brains? Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers: Egg salad, maybe. Det. Ed Green: You got another phone?
(a paroled ex-con has been murdered) Det. Joe Fontana: I love a public service homicide, don't you?
(after he kills the man who molested his son) Sid Fisher: Somebody shot an animal. Call a vet.
(looking at a hospital sign that says "Pediatric Oncology") Det. Lennie Briscoe: Now there's two words that should never go together.
Abbie Carmichael: (discussing a case) What do you call this? Det. Ed Green: Besides a bunch of crazy, rich white people with too much time on their hands?
Ben Stone: The appeal is based on the defendant's Fourth Amendment rights. You didn't have a warrant when you searched his place of abode. Det. Mike Logan: "Abode" huh? It was in the damn bushes!
Det. Lennie Briscoe: (Is waiting for McCoy outside a hospital) Did you put iron in your cheerios this morning?. Jack McCoy: Are you talking to me now? Det. Lennie Briscoe: Hey, do things our way and we'll talk to you all you want.
Det. Rey Curtis: Hey, didn't you learn anything from Mister Rogers? A policeman is your best friend.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: Those crime scene guys are overrated. They all think they're cops.
ADA Jack McCoy: If that's the way you feel, Danielle, move to suppress. Danielle Melnick: Right. Judge Logan's gonna rule FISA violates the Fourth Amendment. How many beers have *you* had?
Jack McCoy: (a judge in L.A. has just ruled to nullify an extradition order) Speak up, Your Honor. There are some people in the Bronx who didn't hear you.
(as Carl Reger is being arrested by Briscoe and Green) Carl Reger: My lawyer will have your jobs! Det. Lennie Briscoe: Good. Can we have his?
(to a reluctant witness) Detective Lennie Briscoe: There's no such thing as hooker-client confidentiality.
D.A. Arthur Branch: (to Serena) You're fired. ADA Serena Southerlyn: (pauses, shocked) Is this because I'm a lesbian? D.A. Arthur Branch: No, no... of course not. ADA Serena Southerlyn: Good... that's good...
Lanie Stieglitz: (Stieglitz, Stone's opponent of the week, has just realized that her client has been lying to her) I cannot and I will not perpetrate a fraud on the court. It's unethical and illegal. I'm not going to put you on the stand tomorrow, Mary, and I am not going to make a closing argument. And the jury is going to wonder why.
Capt Donald Cragen: What's less than nothing? Minus zero? Negative bupkis?
Jack McCoy: The last time I checked, "Stupid" isn't a defense for murder!
Judge Manuel Leon: Technically, Mr Magidan, you have been convicted of Murder in the First Degree, which is reserved for the killing of a Police Officer in the line of duty. The death penalty, having been ruled unconstitutional by the Court of Appeals in Albany, renders me powerless to sentence you to the punishment you so richly deserve. Therefore, this court sentences you to twenty five years to life imprisonment. The People have requested the strictest possible limitations on any possibility of parole, and I see no reason to disagree.
Det. Rey Curtis: Scientists! If they can do it, they do it. They never think whether they *should* do it.
Sgt. Max Greevey: Look! Someone's lying! Whether it's Gunja Din or Doctor God, we don't know.
Simonize Jackson: You ain't got nothing on me, except what he said. And that's just heresy. Sgt. Max Greevey: The word's 'hearsay', genius.
Defense attorney: Stone, what do you want? EADA Ben Stone: Peace on Earth, the Mets in the Series and your client in Dannemora.
Dr Elizabeth Olivet: You ever hear about the seven stages of grief? Det. Mike Logan: No Dr Elizabeth Olivet: The first one's denial
Capt Donald Cragen: What'd he say? Det. Mike Logan: He told us to go to hell Capt Donald Cragen: Well, at least he's got a way with words.
Det. Mike Logan: Don't nuns have curfews? Sister Bettina: That went out with the penguin suit.
Adam Schiff: Blame it on the CIA. They haven't been fingered in years.
Ben Stone: I'm a Catholic - I can feel guilty about anything.
Ben Stone: I guess you just weren't clever enough. Phillip Swann: I got this far, Ben. Ben Stone: A lot of effort to wind up right back where you started. And in polite society, Sir, you don't call people by their first name unless they ask you to - I didn't do that. You're not a friend, and you're certainly not a colleague.
Arraignment judge: Life is beautiful. All God's children are innocent.
EADA Ben Stone: Mr Bregman, you are possibly the stupidest criminal I have ever met.
Adam Schiff: I LOVE cases where a homicidal gun dealer is our best witness.
EADA Ben Stone: I'm responsible for my actions, not the color of my skin. And if it makes you feel good to call me a racist, fine. But if you want to know who's really responsible for racism in today's society, take a good look in the mirror.
(Dr Olivet has been raped while on an undercover mission) Dr Elizabeth Olivet: You have no idea what it's like to be victimized by a powerful man.
Adam Schiff: Flipped a coin in my head. Came up tails. Talk to the boy.
Adam Schiff: People see the devil as an allegory. ADA Jack McCoy: I'm not so sure I do. Abbie Carmichael: Horns and a pitchfork, Jack?
Det. Ed Green: Frank Leahy, you're going to have to come with us. Frank Leahy: Why? Det. Ed Green: We're placing you under arrest. Frank Leahy: What for? Det. Lennie Briscoe: It ain't for stealing home.
(about gay marriage) Jack McCoy: Let 'em marry. Why shouldn't they be as miserable as the rest of us?
(Lennie is retiring) Det. Lennie Briscoe: So what's it been for you and me... 11 years? Lt Anita Van Buren: Something like that. Det. Lennie Briscoe: It's the longest I was ever with any woman. Lt Anita Van Buren: Now that's pitiful.
(a package delivery man has been murdered) Det. Lennie Briscoe: When you absolutely, positively have to kill someone overnight.
Abbie Carmichael: Ugh. Doctors. I can't believe my mother wanted me to marry one.
Det. John Munch: (Briscoe and Munch are canvassing a lesbian bar for witnesses) Look at all these women - they're all gorgeous. Det. Lennie Briscoe: And happy. If they ever invent artificial sperm and a machine that opens jars, we're out of business.
Coffee Shop Clerk: (Briscoe and Curtis are investigating the disappearance of a coffee shop owner) He usually likes to keep a close watch on the cash drawer, but he hasn't been around in a couple of days. Anyway, how about a free large latte on the house? Det. Lennie Briscoe: Maybe for the kid here, but I'd like a regular coffee. Coffee Shop Clerk: Okay, how would you like it? Det. Lennie Briscoe: Uh, regular?
Lt Anita Van Buren: It wasn't the eighteen floors from the window to the street that killed her, it was the sudden stop.
(searching for escaped lab animals) Det. Lennie Briscoe: Any idea where monkeys hole up when they're on the lam?
Sgt. Phil Cerreta: Some alibi: "I'm not an arsonist, I'm an extortionist."
(after being led to the body of a slain cop by a confession obtained by a faulty deal) Det. Lennie Briscoe: Congratulations, you just bought the Brooklyn Bridge from a double murderer.
Det. Rey Curtis: You're a Catholic. Jack McCoy: Not at work. Sorry.
Adam Schiff: What? A mother and son killing each other's spouses. What the heck kind of family is this? Abbie Carmichael: A dysfunctional one.
ADA Jack McCoy: Sometimes Lennie Briscoe doesn't hit it out of the park.
Det. Lennie Briscoe: I don't like to be second guessed! (referring to Ed Green) I've been walking on eggshells the whole time he's been here!
(to Briscoe after he exited from an interrogation room where there is a young suspect) Abbie Carmichael: Oh, great. You made her cry.
Joe Fontana: He seems like a pretty stand-up guy. Lt Anita Van Buren: So did Scott Peterson.
Det. Mike Logan: (after beating up defenseless suspect, pulls out gun) Get on your knees.
Terry Dorn: (while getting arrested.) What kind of country locks up its patriots? Det. Ed Green: The same kind that gives you the right to remain silent. Exercise it.
Jack McCoy: If I don't leave here with a guilty plea, Mr Corley, I promise, you'll do 45 years hard time. They'll wheel me out of my retirement home to be at your parole hearings.