L.A. Law
1986
Stuart Markowitz: I have a confession. I'm rich.
Michael Kuzak: That's because I've never had anything this responsive underneath me.
Leland McKenzie: You are without a doubt the most obnoxious, self-centered person I have every met! I want you gone! Out of this firm! Susan Bloom: And you are the most stubborn, controlling old fool I have ever known! Are you planning to change? Leland McKenzie: No! Susan Bloom: Neither am I! So let's get back to work and make the best of it.
Michael Kuzak: (Kuzak walks in on Kelsey and Markowitz during a romantic encounter) Stuart? Ann? Ann Kelsey: Yes, it's Stuart and Ann! We're fine. Now leave! (Kuzak leaves and Sifuentes sticks his head in the door) Victor Sifuentes: You guys okay? Need anything? Ann Kelsey: We're fine, Victor! Now leave!
Leland McKenzie: (settling an argument during a staff meeting) It's time you people remember whose name is at the top of the letterhead!
(C.J. and Zoe are teaching a seminar in trial procedure to a group of lawyers from the former Soviet bloc) Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Goooood morning, communists! My name is C.J. Lamb. I'm your co-host, and the first thing about American law is LOUD! We jump up! We call each other names!
(Leland has received a Christmas card from Rosalyn six months after her fatal accident) Leland McKenzie: Look at this. A Christmas card from Rosalyn. Grace Van Owen: You know, Leland; she probably had them sent out by a service and no one thought to notify them that she was dead. Leland McKenzie: I guess you're right; a Christmas card from the grave. (starts laughing) Grace Van Owen: One thing you can say about Rosalyn, she sure knew how to network.
Zoey Clemmons: (in C.J.'s hotel room at a law conference) C.J.! Get up! It's nine o'clock! We are in trouble! We were supposed to have an eight o'clock class setup. We have a mock trial before three California Supreme Court judges at 1: 00 PM and our class knows nothing except how to get jailed for contempt. Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Zoey, calm down. Zoey Clemmons: I can't calm down! What did you do last night? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: It was hammer time. What could I do? We started home after midnight, but they played that "Wang Chung" song and we didn't get in 'til 5: 00 AM. Zoey Clemmons: Great, you keep the class out dancing til dawn. Now, who the hell do we know to fake it in front of three California Supreme Court judges? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Me. Zoey Clemmons: What? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: I'm from England. Nobody knows me here. I'll put on a suite, a wig, my best Polish accent, and you'll win the prize for best class. Zoey Clemmons: We can't do this. It's fraud, it's wrong, it's a lie! Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: And we have no choice. Not only do our students not know anything, but they're also completely hung over. Zoey Clemmons: I am never taking you with me on another trip, ever!
Douglas Brackman, Jr: (in the woods during a paintball war) You're very lucky, Jonathan. Jonathan Rollins: Why? Douglas Brackman, Jr: Because you have youth. Choices. Look at me. I'm 40 years old. I'm out here in the woods, shivering all night, because I can't say "no" to a client who makes designer tampons for a living and sells them to the uptight and out-of-sight. I'm intimidated by clients! I'm scared of my ex-wife. My teenage son ignores me. And I'm too afraid to light a fire because of Stuart Markowitz, a five-foot, six-inch tax attorney with a Hitler complex. Don't end up like me, Jonathan. You still have choices. Jonathan Rollins: Douglas, you still have choices in life. Douglas Brackman, Jr: You know, you're right. I chose to light a fire.
Arnie Becker: As far as I know, Patrick Flanagan is a felon! He gave me assurances that this girl would not testify. That is obstruction of justice! Leland McKenzie: Do you have any proof of that? Arnie Becker: Of course I don't have proof. I thought you'd believe me. Douglas Brackman, Jr: Patrick said that he tried contacting you with the settlement offer, but you were unavailable, which is why he went ahead on his own. Arnie Becker: Oh, please! Leland McKenzie: He also says that no such assurances were ever given. Arnie Becker: He's lying! Can't you see that? Less you be under any further illusions, this is someone who lies to get what he wants. He came into my office on that day and told me what he wanted to do. I told him, under no uncertain terms: 'do not do this.' He went ahead and did it anyway! Douglas Brackman, Jr: Even if that was true, just keep in mind that he brought into this firm some $9 million and additional clients and revenue... Arnie Becker: Douglas, he is dangerous! He's a closeted sociopath, and a pathological liar! Leland McKenzie: Now, hold on Arnie! I've known Patrick all his life. He comes from a good family and a good education. He wouldn't do this. Arnie Becker: All right, fine. Do whatever you want with him. But I'm telling you right now, I will not work with him again, Leland! The day you insist that I work out my differences with that scummy guy, that is the day I quit! Oh, and on this prognosis, Morales was right about him! (Arnie storms out of the office and slams the door shut. A stunned Douglas looks over at the skeptical Leland) Douglas Brackman, Jr: First Daniel quits, now Arnie threatens to because of Flanigan? Doesn't that strike you odd at all? Leland McKenzie: Patrick maintains that no such assurances were given. I believe him. Douglas Brackman, Jr: Patrick maintains a lot of things, Leland. Leland McKenzie: Why... yes he does. Douglas Brackman, Jr: At the very least, for a nice guy who brings in the business, he does stand to get accused of obstructing justice pretty often. Leland McKenzie: Well, so far all the accusations have been groundless. Douglas Brackman, Jr: My point exactly. So far.
(C.J. answers her front door in the night to find her father standing behind it) Charles Lamb: (drunk) This is not a city! A city is like London or New York where one can just walk outside and hail a taxi! Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: You're five hours late because you coudn't get a stupid taxi? Charles Lamb: I apologize for missing dinner. I hope I'm not disturbing anything. Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Yes, we're asleep. Charles Lamb: We? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: I have a date in bed upstairs. Charles Lamb: Can't I come in for a little drink? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: No. Charles Lamb: Please? I won't wake him. Her? Or, did you discover a third option?
(Vanna White is at the office to see Douglas Brackman) Roxanne Melman: There's a Vanna White to see you, sir. Douglas Brackman, Jr: Ha. Ha. Very funny. Why don't the two of you go somewhere and have a vowel movement. Vanna White: (enters his office) That's not very funny.
Michael Kuzak: (choosing stakes for a bet) You can pick anything you want. Victor Sifuentes: Ok... your leather chair. Michael Kuzak: Except that.