Kingpin
1996
Roy: WHO YOU CALLIN' PSYCHO?
Roy: How about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the men's room? I mean, those are fun even when you're alone. We're talkin' the hula hoop of the nineties. Lancaster Bowl Manager: Look, I've told you. We don't need nuthin'. We don't even have a novelty machine in the men's room anymore. Roy: And you call yourselves a bowling alley?
Roy: Some of the dresses ya' got, ya' need two hairdos to wear.
Neighbor: Hey Roy, can you get sick from drinking piss? Roy: I think you can. Neighbor: Even if its your own?
ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years? Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh... Drinking. Lot a drinking. ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking? Roy: No. I uh... I put... uh... Why, you buying?
Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr Munson? Roy: I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't.
Mr Boorg: How many children do you have? Roy: None that I know of. I mean, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy.
Roy: Hey, I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one, whew. (Takes a drink from the bucket) Mr Boorg: We don't have a cow. We have a bull. Roy: I'm gonna brush my teeth.
Roy: Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary. Claudia: Look, Mr Munster, you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across. Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?
Landlady: What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? You really jarred something loose tiger.
(On smoking) Ishmael: You should try to quit. They say its bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process. Roy: Who's done more research than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say its harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.
Ishmael: Whatcha doin', Mr Munson? Roy: Flossin'. Ishmael: Flossin? Where the hell did I get "Munson"? Roy: The name's Munson, what I'm doin' is flossin'.
Roy: I know what you're thinking, but let me explain... (Claudia kicks Roy in the crotch) Roy: (very softly) Mommy. You must have a really wide foot because you got both of them
(refering to Roy's hook for a hand) Claudia: It must be hard to spank your monkey. Ishmael: You have a monkey?
Roy: Take that, you piece of shit. You don't mow another guy's lawn.
Roy: Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split? Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay. Roy: Yeah, well he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a hint what it is. It's round, has three holes, and you put your fingers into it. Ishmael: You leave Rebecca out of this.
Ernie McCracken: You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
(Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl) Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst. Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling. Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.
McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen? Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that."
Ishmael: Run for the hills everybody, there's a giant shit-cloud coming.
Roy: That coffee wasn't even hot. (Takes a sip of coffee) now, that's hot.
Mr Boorg: Ishmael always was a strange boy, but he means well.
Claudia: Ishmael likes me. Roy: I promise you, you're not his type. Claudia: Oh, I'm his type. I'm every guy's type.
Ernie McCracken: Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.
Roy: (quietly) Shh, be quiet. (he trips and falls) Oww, I think I tore my sack. Ishmael: (loudly) Are you OK Mr Munson? Roy: Shh, what did I just say? Ishmael: Uh, I think I tore my sack.
Claudia: He said handSOME, not handLESS.
Ishmael: Hi Mr Skidmark.
McCracken, Ernie: Hi... not you... hi.
Little boy: Sometimes when I wake up in the morning Mr McCracken's already there.
McCracken, Ernie: It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits Roy.
McCracken, Ernie: Tanqueray and Tab and keep 'em comin'.
Ernie McCracken: One more time, sweetness.
Man in bowling alley: Come on, boy. Bowl! Roy: My name's not boy. It's Roy. (makes a spare) Roy Munson.
Ernie McCracken: Do me a favor, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before you come back to our table?
Ishmael: I don't drink coffee. Roy: Why not? Ishmael: It's a stimulant. Roy: What the hell do you think cigarettes are? Ishmael: They are? (Roy nods) All right, make it extra large, two sugars, lots of cream. *Lots* of cream.
Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, hey? But I'll lose my entire bonus check because I'm so bombed. McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale? Roy: No, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.
Ishmael: Ten frames? (scoffs) That's for Quakers.
Ishmael: No way. Uh-huh. There's no way I can bet. It's against my religion. I was raised to *not* be a gambler. There's no way I'm going to bet. Roy: Hey, hey, Ish. Ish! *Ish*! Ishmael: No. No! *No* way! Roy: Hey! Listen, you stupid banana head! You don't have to bet. I'll bet for you. Ishmael: Oh, that's cool. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? (Roy agrees by gesturing with his hook and then looks at it awkwardly)
Ishmael: I didn't want to be the one to tell him, but with those narrow hips, that girl couldn't have more than 6 or 7 children! (snickering)
Roy: Hey, Herbie! How's life? Scranton Wino: Taking forever.