Kindergarten Cop
1990
Joyce: You know, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it.
Phoebe: You're not so tough without your car, are you?
Low Life #1: So who are you, man? (Kimble racks his shot-gun) Low Life #1: Shit! (he scrambles out of the way just before Kimble blasts the couch apart) Detective John Kimble: I'm the party pooper.
(O'Hara rushes to the airplane's restroom) Stewardess: Is your wife okay, sir? Detective John Kimble: Compared to what?
Detective John Kimble: No more complaining. No more "Mr Kimble, I have to go the bathroom". Nothing! (shouts) There *is* no bathroom!
Joseph: Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina! Phoebe: (to Kimble) I see you taught them the basics.
Joseph: Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina! Phoebe: (to Kimble) Well, you taught them the basics, that's important.
Detective John Kimble: We're going to play a wonderful game called... "Who is my daddy and what does he do?"
Tina & Rina: Our mom says our dad is a real sex machine.
Joseph: My dad's a gynecologist. He looks at vaginas all day long.
Detective John Kimble: I'm a cop you idiot!
(Kimble knocks out two gang members with ease, then turns to two others standing by his car) Detective John Kimble: Oh, excuse me. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is John Kimble... (racks shotgun) Detective John Kimble: And I love my car! Street Tough #3: Yo, man, I'm just gonna keep a eye on it for you, all right? Street Tough #4: You got a beautiful ride. (as soon as Kimble is out of hearing range) Street Tough #3: Shit. Who he think he is? He's lucky I didn't kick his ass.
Detective John Kimble: I have a headache. Lowell: It might be a tumor. Detective John Kimble: It's not a tumor!
Detective John Kimble: SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Miss Schlowski: What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch? Detective John Kimble: It felt great.
Detective John Kimble: Just don't throw up on me. Phoebe O'Hara: Nah, it's OK, I'm not gonna throw up on you. But I am gonna kiss you!
Detective John Kimble: I really appreciate your honesty. You happen to know someone that is not better than me? Dominic: I don't know that many people.
(John Kimble sees boy eating out of lunch boxes) Detective John Kimble: Are these all your lunches? (Boy shakes his head) Detective John Kimble: You mean you eat other people's lunches? (Boy nods) Detective John Kimble: STOP IT!
(after the kids start complaining about "police school") Detective John Kimble: Oh, come on... (shouts) Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline. (shouts) Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now. You belong to me.
Detective John Kimble: How do I look? Phoebe O'Hara: Take off the gun. (Kimble realizes he has strapped on his shoulder holster) Detective John Kimble: That's a good idea. Phoebe O'Hara: Little bastards are gonna eat you alive. Detective John Kimble: Get some rest and don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be? Phoebe O'Hara: On second thought, take the gun.
(Crisp's mother is buying a heap of pediatric medication) Cullen Crisp: The boy's not sick. Eleanor Crisp: Doesn't hurt to take precautions. Cullen Crisp: Mother, you are going to make him sick. You stuffed all this crap down my throat for years, and there was nothing wrong with me! Eleanor Crisp: That's why there was nothing wrong with you. Cullen Crisp: Now, how can you argue with that?
Danny: Hey, I'm not stupid, Mr Crisp. Cullen Crisp: (shoots him) You're not?
Phoebe: Well, what are you going to do? Handcuff her to the bumper of your car and take her for a ride? Detective John Kimble: Let's just say I'm not going to offer to cook her dinner.
Detective John Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet and sit down. Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess! Detective John Kimble: Take your toy back to the carpet! Emma: (softly) I'm not policeman, I'm princess. Detective John Kimble: TAKE IT BACK! Emma: (miserable) All right.
(to some kids who keep bumping his airplane seat) Detective John Kimble: Hey, come here. (he beckons a kid with one finger, while holding a pencil in the other) Detective John Kimble: If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'm gonna do with you. (he snaps the pencil in two with his thumb. The kid sits back, wide-eyed)
Joshua: Are you married, Mr Kimble? Detective John Kimble: No, I'm not. (Joshua sticks his head into the hallway) Joshua: (shouts) He's not married, Mom!
Cullen Crisp: Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it got you? Huh? Nothing! I'll be out of here in a week, and you'll still be eating takeout food in that dump you live in. Yeah! I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left because of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.
Miss Schlowski: Your teacher, Miss O'Hara, had to go somewhere. Dominic: Where'd she go? Miss Schlowski: That doesn't matter. Lowell: Did she die? Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell, she went to see someone. Lowell: Did they die? Miss Schlowski: *No*, Lowell. Lowell: Everyone dies, you know.
(after his first day, John comes back and collapses on his bed) Phoebe O'Hara: How'd it go? Detective John Kimble: Go away. Phoebe O'Hara: That well, huh? Detective John Kimble: You take over tomorrow. Phoebe O'Hara: And blow our cover? Can't do it. Detective John Kimble: They're horrible. They're like little terrorists. Phoebe O'Hara: Tell me about it.