Kelly's Heroes
1970
Oddball: Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change? Moriarty: Crap!
Oddball: Crazy! I mean like so many positive waves maybe we can't lose! You're on!
Crapgame: Hey, Oddball, this is your moment of glory. And you're chickening out! Oddball: To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three tigers.
Big Joe: If I hear any more threats against Captain Maitland's life, if I hear any more wild talk about going down to headquarters and killing the General, or raping the nurses at the field hospital, I'm going to strangle the guy with my bare hands! You understand that?
Oddball: A Sherman can give you a very nice... edge.
Oddball: Hi, man. Big Joe: What are you doing? Oddball: I'm drinking wine and eating cheese, and catching some rays, you know. Big Joe: What's happening? Oddball: Well, the tank's broke and they're trying to fix it. Big Joe: Well, then, why the hell aren't you up there helping them? Oddball: (chuckles) I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work. Big Joe: Christ! Oddball: Definitely an antisocial type. Woof, woof, woof! That's my other dog imitation.
(Oddball sees that the bridge he wants to cross is intact and is pleased with himself) Oddball: Still up! (a plane flies over the bridge and bombs it... direct hit) Oddball: No it ain't.
Oddball: Arf arf arf... That's my other dog impression.
(the lone obstacle to the sought-after gold is a solitary tank guarding the bank) Crapgame: Try making a DEAL! Big Joe: What kind of DEAL? Crapgame: A DEAL, deal! Maybe he's a Republican. You know, "Business is business."
Oddball: Who is that guy, Crapgame? Crapgame: Him? Name's Kelly. Used to be a lieutenant, pretty good one, too, till they gave him orders to attack the wrong hill. Wiped out a half a company of G.I.'s. Somebody had to get the blame and he got picked.
Big Joe: Take that underwear off your head, enh? Enough is enough.
Oddball: Always with the negative waves Moriarty, always with the negative waves.
(Bellamy tells him he's behind enemy lines) Oddball: So they tell me. Everybody round here is very friendly. Look, baby, I'm kinda hung up. I need sixty feet of bridge. Bellamy: Hey, kid, they haven't got you in the nut ward again? Oddball: Ah, Bellamy, for cryin' out loud. That's the the stinking, most awful, stupid joke and you're always pullin' that stinking awful stupid joke. You don't want in this thing, you don't get in this thing. I cut you in on everything. I don't need you. Sixty feet of bridge I can get almost anywhere. Schmuck!
Big Joe: ... There's no booze, there's no broads, there's no action! Captain Maitland: That's another thing - don't fool around with the women. Their husbands carry guns. And don't forget, the penalty for looting is death. Big Joe: Loot what? There's nothing here to loot!
(at a supply depot somewhere in France) Oddball: We see our role as essentially defensive in nature. While our armies are advancing so fast and everyone's knocking themselves out to be heroes, we are holding ourselves in reserve in case the Krauts mount a counteroffensive which threatens Paris... or maybe even New York. Then we can move in and stop them. But for 1.6 million dollars, we could become heroes for three days.
Big Joe: I thought I told you to bring me some good-looking kid, not this fat, sausage-chewing wino! Kelly: Well, if you were looking for a young boy, you should have sent somebody else, Joe.
Big Joe: Now when I come back, I want that farmhouse not only clean but completely decorated. Do you understand that?
Big Joe: (shouting in the radio) Look, Mulligan! I don't think I'm getting through to you! You're dropping your damn barrage on our position! The reason you can't hear me is because you're firing your mortars at your end, and they're dropping here, on our end! No, the Krauts are not here! We're here! Mulligan, your bombs are coming down on our head! I don't know where the Krauts are! Just lift your goddamn barrage! Over!
Big Joe: (shouting to the captured German Colonel) Look! We're not worried about the German army, we've got enough troubles of our own. To the right General Patton, to the left the British Army, to the rear our own goddamn artillery, and besides all that it's raining. And the only good thing to say about the weather: it keeps our air corps from blowing us all to Hell because its too lousy to fly, versteh? Col Dumpkopf: (he understands) Ja, ja, versteh. Big Joe: OK.
Major General Colt: They even got the grave diggers with them!
Pvt. Little Joe: Joe? Big Joe: (shouts) What? Pvt. Little Joe: (waves the radio) It's Mulligan. Big Joe: (disgustedly) It's Mulligan. What the hell does he want? Pvt. Little Joe: He says he's sorry. Big Joe: (muttering) Sorry son of a bitch.
Big Joe: (a mortar round lands close, covering everyone in dust) (muttering) Mulligan, you son of a bitch...
Pvt. Cowboy: God almighty, you guys smell like you fell into a dung heap! Crapgame: Kinda makes ya homesick, don't it? Pvt. Willard: (to Pvt. Cowboy) You know it does, kinda ,don't it old buddy?
Crapgame: (into field phone) Izzy? Yeah, it's me. Listen... I gotta favor to ask ya. Will you quit cryin... I haven't even asked ya yet! What the Hell's the matter with you?