Keeping Up Appearances
1990
Hyacinth: Mind the horse. Richard Bucket: It's in the field.
Hyacinth: Mind the pedestrian. Michael the Vicar: Where? Hyacinth: On the pavement. Michael the Vicar: Isn't that where she's supposed to be.
Hyacinth: It's my sister Daisy. She's not the one with the gold taps, sauna and room for a pony.
Hyacinth: It's my sister Violet! She's the one with the Mercedes, swimming pool, and room for a pony.
Rose: Perhaps I should wear a dress down to the ground. Onslow: I bet that one's been down to the ground a few times.
Rose: Why is Onslow reading the Financial Times? Onslow: I like to keep an eye on the economy. A bloke in my position has to wonder how long the country can afford him. If we don't get the economy right, people like me are gonna be in trouble!
(she pronounces it "Bouquet", and very, very shrilly) Hyacinth: The Bucket residence, the lady of the house speaking!
Hyacinth: (on the phone) The Brochure Residence... er (laughs) ... the Bucket Residence, the lady of the house speaking.
Hyacinth: This is not the Chinese restaurant. This is a residential number and you are speaking to the lady of the house on a white, slim line telephone with last number redial facility
Hyacinth: Oh, Richard. You know haw much I love daddy. I would have him here if it wasn't for all the time he spends in the bathroom.
Hyacinth: Take your shoes of before you enter the house, dear.
Hyacinth: Coffee in ten minutes Elizabeth, bring Emmett!
(repeated line) Hyacinth: Sheridaaaaaaan!
Hyacinth: Tell Onslow to go and put a shirt on.
Hyacinth: It's Bouquet!
Hyacinth: It's Bouquet! B-U-C-K-E-T!
Hyacinth: I would be very pleased if you would accept my invitation to one my candle light suppers
Hyacinth: Please be very careful of my matching executive luggage with the genuine leather embelishments and initials
Hyacinth: (in reference to Daidy's and Onslow's house) How can a place look like this 50 years after the blitz
Hyacinth: Rose, that skirt's too short!
Hyacinth: If my Sheridan were here he'd be appalled!
Hyacinth: Sit wherever you like, dear... *except* there! I always like to face the window.
Hyacinth: I better answer that. It's probably somebody very important.
Hyacinth: Richard a little decorum please, that is not the sort of behaviour one would expect from a person with a reservation for a quailty cruise
Hyacinth: I want you to instruct your superiors that this is a first class stamp residence.
Hyacinth: All the men like Rose, that's her problem.
Hyacinth: I like Daisy too Richard, I just don't like her cracked mugs.
Hyacinth: What a wonderful sense of duty Daddy has.
Hyacinth: Richard! Don't shout in the street!
Hyacinth: When people ask you what you have for breakfast, don't tell them cornflakes. You eat an exclusive european high fibre breakfast. Richard Bucket: Who recommended it to you? Hyacinth: The Dutch Royal Family.
Elizabeth Hawksworth Warden: I'm sorry Hyacinth, when I'm in this house I go to pieces. Hyacinth: Well some poeple just can't help being clumsy.
Daisy: (Daisy thinks Onslow has another woman) I wonder what she's like his others women? Rose: Short sighted. Daisy: I bet she's cheap and common! Rose: Don't knock it i've had some of my best times being cheap and common!
Rose: Onslow, father's on the roof again! Onslow: Ask him if he's got my bottle opener!
Hyacinth: This is a great day for me Richard, with my outdoors indoors luxury barbeque with finger buffet.
Emmet Hawksworth: What there hell is a outdoors indoors luxury barbeque? Elizabeth Hawksworth Warden: I don't know but we are going to one.
Hyacinth: (Rose & Daisy turn up at Hyacinth's unannounced wearing Mini-Skirts) Rose... Daisy... MINI! Rose: Mini? Hyacinth: (shouts) Skirts!
(Rose needs a lift for her new jewellery sales job door-to-door) Rose: I have not got time for messing about! Daisy: (Daisy looks romantic at Onslow) I remember when we used to mess about. Onslow: I'll get the car!
Hyacinth: Richard you must remember some sea stories! Richard Bucket: Why should I know some sea stories? Hyacinth: Richard your British and the sea is in your blood!
(Emmet breaks Hyacinth's china) Emmet Hawksworth: I am really very sorry Hyacinth. Hyacinth: Accidents do happen, and always with my china... Hyacinth: So long as you havn't ruined your musician's hands, only my rug!
Hyacinth: (very shrilly) AHH! VICAR! Michael the Vicar: Oh my G... Good morning, Mrs Bucket, err... Bouquet.
Hyacinth: Ooooh! It's the Chairlady of the Women's Luncheon Club. Richard Bucket: Ewww...
Hyacinth: I think Sheridan's voice is getting deeper... I hope he goes no lower than tenor!
(at the Church) Hyacinth: Rose pull your skirt down before we all get excommunicated! Rose: Is that that dishy Vicar over there? Can you ask that Vicar whether he has a vacancy for a willing helper... Hyacinth: Get back in the car Rose.
Rose: I'm finished with men, they're nothing but heartache and trouble! Hyacinth: Oh I know what you mean dear, I can never get Richard to fold his pyjamas!
(at Southampton Airport check-in desk) Hyacinth: Could you ask our captain to go a little faster and land a little earlier? My husband would tip him handsomely. Richard Bucket: No! Airport Check-In Lady: Can I ask you some questions about your baggage madam? Hyacinth: Of course, isn't it smart! I suppose you want to know where I bought it.
Michael the Vicar: (driving, and sees Hyacinth and Richard standing on the side of the road because Onslow and Daisy's car is out of gas) Oh damn, it's the Bucket woman! I'm going to turn around. The Vicar's Wife: Don't turn round, you have to help those people. And you shouldn't use damn like that, should you? Michael the Vicar: I suppose so. Alright. The Vicar's Wife: (Sees Rose next to Hyancith) Oh damn, it's the vampire sister! Turn round, turn round, turn round!
Rose: (into phone) Mr Butterfield, you're a total swine! And what's more, you have hairy toes! Hyacinth: (grabs the phone and scowls at Rose, cupping her hand over the receiver) Rose, you shouldn't say that to him! (into phone) I'm sorry, my sister just needs to come to her senses. (cups her hand over the receiver again, thinking that the Mr Butterfield whom Rose is speaking to is a member of the family that operates a large gas station chain) Really, Rose, you shouldn't talk like that to a member one of this community's leading economic families! Rose: What leading economic family? Hyacinth: The Butterfields! You know, the gas stations. Rose: Oh. That's not this Mr Butterfield! He's a louse without a penny to his name. Hyacinth: (in phone, shouting in a low voice) And furthermore, stop bothering my sister! (slams down receiver) Rose: (cries) How could you hang up on him? I love him! Hyacinth: How can you love him? The man has hairy toes.
Daisy: Father's missing. Hyacinth: Missing? Of course he's not missing. I suspect he's just mislaid.
Young Jehovah's Witness: (a young Jehovah's witness is leaving Hyacinth's house) I've only ever had to remove my shoes once before, and that was in a mosque. And then, the sermon was shorter!
Daisy: (a gypsy is at Daisy and Onslow's front door) It's bad luck not to buy anything from a gypsy! Onslow: Bad Luck? When we live like this, how can you be scared of bad luck?
Richard Bucket: (Hyacinth and Richard are preparing for Daisy's grandaughter's christening) At least they're bothering to have the little girl christened. Hyacinth: Kylie! What sort of a name is Kylie for a Christian person? It sounds like a foreign vegetable!
Hyacinth: (Richard is frantically trying to shut of the alarm system, but can't remember the code. Hyacinth is hysterical, since the code is their wedding anniversary) Richard, you forgot our anniversary! (Hyacinth then goes back into the bedroom wailing, leaving Richard still unable to shut off the alarm)
Hyacinth: Do you have children? Michael 'The Postman': Seven. Hyacinth: (surprised) Seven! Michael 'The Postman': Yeah. Hyacinth: Quite an achievement when you have to be up so early.
Elizabeth Hawksworth Warden: (of Hyacinth and Richard) They're a very close couple. Emmet Hawksworth: Of course they're close. She has him on a lead.
(repeated line) Onslow: (sarcastically) Oh, nice.
Elizabeth Hawksworth Warden: Are there any other Greeks coming? Hyacinth: Hmmm? Oh, no, dear. They break plates. He may have a tanker in every port, but I'm not sacrificing my Royal Doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles. (pause) There aren't that many left.
Hyacinth: Mind the pedestrian. Elizabeth Hawksworth Warden: Is there a pedestrian? Hyacinth: No, not on the road. On the pavement. Elizabeth Hawksworth Warden: I usually miss the ones on the pavement.
Onslow: Daisy, I am not just a play thing.
Hyacinth: Now, what should I wear to answer the telephone?
Hyacinth: (to Richard, after she picks up the phone) It's Sheridan! Richard Bucket: How much does he want? Hyacinth: Oh, stop it, Richard! I'm sure he's just calling to say hello to his mommy. (on the phone, to Sheridan) Hyacinth: Now, what is it dear? (stops and blinks) Hyacinth: You want £90?
Hyacinth: (on the phone, to Rose) Rose, I hope you're wearing something sensible for this phone call.
Hyacinth: (to Rose, with Councilwoman Nugent at the door) If she asks if I'm here, I am not here, I am never here, and I am a foreign extract.
Hyacinth: (with a fake foreign accent, through a mail slot to Councelwoman Nugent) I am a foreigner in this country.
(repeated line) Hyacinth: Now don't be silly, Richard!
Hyacinth: Mind the old lady, dear. Richard Bucket: What old lady? I don't see an old lady. Hyacinth: Back there, going into that store. Richard Bucket: Did you think I was going to ram-raid the shop?
Hyacinth: (inviting Elizabeth and her newly-arrived musical brother Emmett in for coffee) Come in! (sings very shrilly) Come innnnnnnnnn! (Elizabeth and Emmett jump in shock)
Onslow: (to Daisy) What discourages me about looking for your father is we usually find him.