John Doe
2002
Digger: May all your ups and downs be under the sheets.
Frank Hayes: Just because you know everything, doesn't mean you know everything, John.
Frank Hayes: Last time I went on a date was the opening night of Dances With Wolves. I had on MC Hammer pants and a gold earring.
Digger: (catching John Doe staring at Paulette's legs) Feel free to pick up your tongue off the floor.
John Doe: (taking over the controls and saving the plane after the pilot faints) I just flew a 767. Huh! When we get back to London, drinks are on me.
John Doe: (at the controls of a 767) Tell you what. I'll bake you that pie myself. Rachel Penbroke: (impressed with John's never-ending list of skills) You're telling me you can fly an airplane *and* cook? John Doe: (laughs softly) You don't know the half of it. Rachel Penbroke: I get the feeling I don't know any of it. Pavel Kovarik: (interrupting John and Rachel) You two make beautiful babies, eh? If we get out of it alive.
John Doe: (in his first fight defeats a martial artist in hand-to-hand combat) What do you know! I know Ju-jitsu!
John Doe: (wakes up to find Digger had stayed to watch over him and is making breakfast) Thanks for staying. Digger: I expect the same if I ever get a million watts up my ass.
Digger: (John Doe has lost his "gift" after being struck by lightning) Well, you're always complaining about all those odd ball facts bubbling around in your head. You know, I think you'd welcome a break. John Doe: Maybe you're right. I mean, there is no more white noise buzzing around in my brain. Digger: Silver lining, my friend. John Doe: No more people staring at me like I'm some kind of freak. No more nightly trivial pursuit-athons. No more email chess games with Stephen Hawking. Digger: Now wait a second! You're playing chess with Stephen Hawking?
Frank Hayes: (after watching John Doe play a dazzling guitar solo in the recording studio) And he's asking me what turns women on?
Jamie Avery: (interrogating a suspect) Got your drug test back. Found some ecstasy. That was some pretty happy pee.
Karen: (crying) Art school loans up the yin-yang. An overweight cat to support. Rent I don't have. And, I just got the axe! John Doe: Digger fired you? Karen: (wipes her tears) No biggie! Because I decided I found my calling. Piano-playing gumshoe's assistant. Karen: (stops crying and gets excited) John Doe Investigations! How may I direct your call? What do you say, moneybags? You'll see! I'm going to be the damn best assistant you never had!
Karen: (enters John Doe's loft) You miss me, boss? Karen: (sees John Doe's expensive furnishings) Ha! Son-of-a-Baptist! You win the lottery or something? John Doe: (successfully hacks into the Federal Court Archives) Well, well. Karen: Federal Court Archives? Something tells me, that didn't come with Windows. John Doe: I reverse-encrypted their firewall with a pseudo IP and deconstructed their Telnet with a viral protocol. Karen: You frighten me.
John Doe: She's not a bag lady. Your mother. Maybe I can help turn the light. Help you find her. Karen: (John leaves the room) Nice of you, but... I'm used to living in the dark.
Karen Kawalski: (seeing John Doe has taken out all his furniture and left it in the hallway) How Feng Shui of you. I dig it, Doe. Very minimalist. Just you and the walls. Karen Kawalski: (sees an expensive lamp with the discarded furniture) Damn! I think this lamp costs more than my entire apartment. How are you so loaded?
Karen Kawalski: (sees John Doe's erratic scribblings all over the walls) Oh! Whoa, Nelly! Uh, at what point do I start worrying about you cutting off an ear?
Karen Kawalski: (meeting Frank Hayes for the first time) Hey, Five-O. Groovy that you're here. You know, I need an opinion. Both of you. Karen Kawalski: (shows John and Frank two of her paintings) All right. Cubism assignment. Which one floats you the most? Chaos? Or Order? Karen Kawalski: (Frank points to Order, John points to Chaos) You two deserve each other.
Jenny Nichols: Daddy says you're the mystery man here to fly me home. John Doe: I guess I am the mystery man.
Shayne Pickford: Are you some sort of private dick, or what? John Doe: Or what.
John Doe: (examining a sophisticated alarm system) AXT 3200. 433 megahertz, 12 pyroelectric sensors create a wavelength spiderweb sensitive to skin temperatures above 92.6 degrees. Frank Hayes: What are you, battery-operated or something? Anyway, that doesn't explain how the blood got in there.