Inspector Morse
1987
Morse: Have you ever thought about the person who designed the sports skirt? Somebody sat down, drew a fantasy and made it compulsory uniform. I can never watch Wimbledon without thinking of that man.
(on the drinkability of Australian lager) Morse: They don't spell Australian beer with four Xs out of ignorance.
Morse: I always drink at lunchtime. It helps my imagination.
Morse: The secret of a happy life is to know when to stop - and then go that bit further.
Morse: Is this a dagger which I see before me? I'd rather see a pint.
Morse: When I'm thinking, I get thirsty.
Morse: Drink that, Lewis, and loosen some brain cells.
Morse: Allowing the pages of The Sun to pass before your eyes, Lewis, does not amount to reading.
Lewis: Was death instant? Morse: Instantaneous, Lewis. Coffee may be instant, death may not.
Morse: Isn't it your round? Lewis: Do you think another one's a good idea? Morse: Think? That's why I want it - to think. I don't drink for pleasure!
(recovering in an ambulance after being rescued from a fire in his flat) Morse: (plaintively) Where's Lewis? I want Lewis!
(repeated line) Morse: (disparagingly) LEW-is!
(as Lewis makes a chance remark which unwittingly provides Morse with a major clue) Morse: You've done it again, Lewis!
Morse: There's always time for one more pint.
Lewis: We should have arrested Donald Martin straightaway. Morse: Why? Lewis: Morse's Law. You said there's a 50: 50 chance that whoever finds the body did the deed. Morse: That isn't Morse's Law. Morse's Law is "There's always time for one more pint".
Philip Ogleby: A woman would get in the way of my work. That's my excuse. What's yours? Morse: Oh, no woman'd put up with me - I play my records too loud. Philip Ogleby: You could get her earplugs!
(Dr Bartlett has just admitted that he nearly went to see "Last Tango in Paris" at the cinema) Doctor Thomas Bartlett: I was wondering if I shouldn't tell my wife. Morse: Tell her what? That you *didn't* see the film? Adultery in the heart is not really the same as adultery. Or "who shall 'scape whipping?".
Lewis: You're not going to believe this, Sir - we have to visit a brewery!
(pointing a gun at Morse) Hugo De Vries: I'm going to kill you. Or am I?
Morse: Morse. Everyone just calls me Morse.
(after Morse has been hit on the head) Morse: 'Tis not so wide as a church door nor so deep as a river, but 'tis enough.
(episode "Death is Now My Neighbour": Morse reveals the closely-guarded secret of his first name) Adele Cecil: This anagram: "Around Eve"? I've tried and I've tried, but all I can come up with is "Endeavour". And no-one's called Endeavour. Surely? Morse: I told you, my mother was a Quaker. And Quakers sometimes call their children names like Hope and Patience. My father was obsessed with Captain Cook, and his ship was called Endeavour. Why aren't you both laughing? Lewis: You poor sod. Adele Cecil: I'm not calling you "Endeavour". Lewis: Call him "Sir". He likes that. Adele Cecil: Oh no. No, I'll stick to "Morse" - like everyone else. Morse: (raises beer glass) Cheers.
Helen Buscott, Baydon's secretary: The Secretary of State wonders if you can spare a word. Andrew Baydon: Knobhead! That's a word I can spare - knobhead!
Morse: Get an ambulance to Hanbury House. Fast as you can. Some fool in a sports car just drove into a tree!
(in the Pitt Rivers Museum) Morse: Is this stuff valuable? Jane Cotterell: Some of it, very. But of course all the most valuable artifacts are checked regularly. Morse: And which are they? Jane Cotterell: Well the most popular - the things people most want to pinch - are the shrunken heads. Morse: (chuckles) I know plenty of people with shrunken brains.
Morse: It was Mrs Fallon I knew before she became Mrs Fallon, Lewis. We were engaged to be married.
Morse: I'm tired, Lewis Lewis: What caused that, sir? Morse: Lack of sleep.
(as she meets Morse for the first time) Dr Laura Hobson, pathologist: Do you know where I might find a Detective Chief Inspector... looks like "Mouse"?
Morse: The vicar didn't seem to want to discuss it. It's a very funny thing, but as soon as someone doesn't want to discuss something, I do.
(quoting the motto of St Augustine of Hippo) Archdeacon: (chuckles) "Give me chastity and continence, O Lord - but not yet". That was his unregenerate motto.
Morse: Coded messages, murder - right up my street. It's not a bad way to start the day.
(Lewis has been pretending to be the college porter and has discovered a man is lying to him) College Porter: Aren't you going to arrest him? Lewis: What for? College Porter: He told you a lie! Lewis: I told him lots of lies.