Idle Hands
1999
Debi: My work here is done. Time for the ritualistic sex!
Debi: There is evil out there, and I'm gonna kick its ass!
Anton: Who's your daddy now, bitch, huh? Who's your fucking daddy now?
Mick: That is some one-hit shit.
Pnub: As usual, marijuana saves an otherwise disastrous day.
Anton: Hey, I didn't kill anyone on purpose, okay! Mick: Yeah well we weren't in hell! I mean there was this bright white light at the end of a long tunnel, right, and there was these chicks' voices, and that music... Anton: Music? Pnub: Yeah kinda uncool music, like, Enya. And these chicks' voices they were saying "Come to us, come towards the light". Anton: So what happened? Mick: We figured, fuck it, I mean it was really far!
Mick: (to 911 operator) There is something wrong with my friend, I think he smoked some nutmeg or something.
Anton: So, what are you guys doing here? Pnub: We need a place to kick it. Don't be selfish, Anton! No one else's parents are dead!
Pnub: And if your mother had teeth, she wouldn't suck dick so well. What's your point?"
Mick: I'm gonna go call 911. What's the number?
Anton: (singing) Devil girl, with nothin' to lose, she's got wind in her hair and gum on her sho-o-o-es!
Anton: We're gathered here today... um... because you're all dead.
Mick: (holding an electric carving knife) Look at me! Look at me! I'm Leatherface!
(Anton is about to chop off his 'evil' right hand) Mick: Wait a minute. If you chop off your right hand, how are you going to chop the other one off? Anton: Oh no, man, the lefty's a keeper. I mean, I guess it wasn't Idle enough. Mick: Really? Anton: Oh yeah, I mean, I hit the remote with it, light up with it, relieve a little tension. No this is the answer.
Anton: You lied to me! Mick: You killed me, let's try to keep this thing in perspective here!
Anton: Dearly beloved we gathered here today cause your all dead... and it's all my fault. Mom, Dad. You fed me, kept a roof over my head until I killed you. Which I guess doesn't make me a very good son. But, I'm gonna try to change. (hand twitches) Mick, Pnub I'll never forget all those times we sat around, watched t.v. and got really, really stoned. And all those other times we just... well I guess that's all we did. (picks flowers from flower garden and throws them over the 'graves') Amen.
Anton: What the hell are you doing? Pnub: C.P.R. Man, I saw it on Baywatch man!
Pnub: Maybe we should clean that up. Mick: Yeah, and while we're at it, let's just clean the whole fuckin' house.
Mick: Yeah I was a little bitter about the getting killed by my best friend thing but I've had time to get over it.
Pnub: Why would we go to hell? We're not bad, we're not exactly good or anything but atleast we don't go around killing people!
Girl outside Burger Jungle: Like this one time they asked my to go on a double date, and I thought they were 'tards or something... (starts crying) ... So I told them to go blow each other. Randy: Wow... Did they?
(while attempting to cut his hand off) Anton: This' it, I know it. Pnub: Those things won't even cut my bagel
Pnub: You scream like a girl.
Anton: All I do is sit around all day, smoke pot, watch TV... Mick: No, no! No Kevin Costner speech. Let's just go.
Pnub: Hey, don't forget my bong. Mick: You did not make that bong. Pnub: Yeah, I arch welded it and shit. Mick: You don't even take auto-shop. Pnub: Fuck you!
Pnub: This ain't Dominos you lazy bitch, come get it yourself!
Mick: It's Mighty Joe bong!
Pnub: Why don't you just go over there and tell her your name. Maybe she'll think you're... funny or something.
Anton: Everybody go home there's a psycho killer here! I cut off my hand, and now it's gonna kill you all!
Tanya: No screw him! I mean he'll be fine.
(Molly's dress rips revealing her underwear) Pnub: Bet she wins best costume.
Mick: SWEET JESUS! Pnub: Ok, that wasn't my fault, that thing should've come down a LOT slower!
Mick: Let's go walk through a nurse.
Mick: Hey you're right, Anton screams like a girl.
(after the anticlimactic destruction of the hand) Mick: That's it? That's it? No explosions, no hellfire, no - (screeches demonically) I mean, no, I'm glad everybody's all right, but... that was weak.
Randy: Oh man, I cannot believe you cock-blocked me like that. I thought we were buds!
(after seeing the message on the ceiling) Dad Tobias: It's just a prank (clicks off flashlight) Anton. Mom Tobias: Anton? Our little scooter would never do something like that! Dad Tobias: Quit calling him that baby name. Anton would not scoot his behind off the couch if the house was on fire!