I Heart Huckabees
2004
Dawn Campbell: Oh please, I don't think of myself as being that pretty. (Brad whispers in her ear) Yes, that changed at Huckabees. You know, I was never their pretty girl. Bernard Jaffe: Really? Dawn Campbell: No! I just have to keep up with this gorgeous hottie. Vivian Jaffe: How's the sex? Bernard Jaffe: How is the sex? Dawn Campbell: The sex? Brad Stand: Come on, guys. (laughs) Come on. That's private. Dawn Campbell: That's gross. Vivian Jaffe: Our undercover surveillance shows it's been infrequent and short. Eight to nine minutes. Typically. Dawn Campbell: Surveillance? You've watched us? Vivian Jaffe: No, just listened. Brad Stand: So your surveillance is wrong! (laughs uncomfortably) Dawn Campbell: Yeah. It's quantity not quality. Brad Stand: She meant quality not quantity. Dawn Campbell: I know, I was only joking. Bernard Jaffe: Were you joking when you said quantity and not quality? Dawn Campbell: We're private about our seven minutes of heaven! Brad Stand: It's longer than that, darling. Dawn Campbell: Eight minutes of heaven! It's quantity not quality! (laughs hysterically) Brad Stand: You should see her after a couple of margaritas.
Brad Stand: How am I not myself? (repeated)
Tommy Corn: Ah, here he comes! Albert Markovski: Oh, boy. Tommy Corn: The man-poet who banged Frances - dark lady of philosophy. The parking lot crusader of truth... who turned his back on his other like a cold-blooded gangsta.
Dawn Campbell: Brad, do you love me? Brad Stand: I think so. Dawn Campbell: With the bonnet? Brad Stand: Ehhh...
Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk. Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk? Albert Markovski: Everything. Mrs Hooten: Nothing. Albert Markovski: Everything. Mrs Hooten: Nothing. Albert Markovski: It's beautiful. Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.
Dawn Campbell: (emotionless) These are the best tops around. Last time, last year - not so good. (suddenly fervent) But now, this is the *truth*!
Dawn Campbell: Wake up, pretty girl, the joke is on you!
Tommy Corn: We're not in infinity; we're in the suburbs.
Vivian Jaffe: Have you ever transcended space and time? Albert Markovski: Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about.
Albert Markovski: (about the body bag exercise) I can't go back in there. It's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete!
Tommy Corn: (after being hit in the face with a rubber ball) Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday? Caterine Vauban: Don't call it the ball thing. Call it pure being. Tommy Corn: Okay... so can we do the pure being ball thing everyday?
Brad Stand: Shania cares!
Tommy Corn: I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were here to talk about petroleum.
Brad Stand: What happened to the gazelles? Did they get squashed under the CD department?
Dawn Campbell: I'm in my tree talking to the Dixie Chicks and they're making me feel better.
Caterine Vauban: It is inevitable to be drawn back into human drama.
Mrs Hooten: So Tommy, what do you do? Tommy Corn: I'm a firefighter. Mr Hooten: Congratulations, you're a hero. Tommy Corn: I'm no hero. We'd all be heroes if we stopped using petroleum!
Albert Markovski: The interconnection thing is definitely for real. Tommy Corn: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is! Albert Markovski: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic! Tommy Corn: It's amazing! Albert Markovski: I know. Tommy Corn: But it's also nothing special.
Brad Stand: You want to talk to me about my fat, sad brother?
Tommy Corn: How come we only ask ourselves the really big questions when something bad happens?
Mr Hooten: What happened to the cat, Albert? Albert Markovski: How'd you know about my cat? Mr Hooten: Curiosity killed it. Albert Markovski: Oh, that cat.
Bernard Jaffe: There's no such thing as nothing.
Tommy Corn: I thought we were a platonic trio, not some sick sex dance! This is bullshit!
Mrs Hooten: We took a Sudanese refugee into our house!
Mr Hooten: God gave us oil! He gave it to us! How can God's gift be bad? Tommy Corn: I don't know. He gave you a brain too and you messed that up pretty damn good. Mr Hooten: I want you sons of bitches out of my house now! Tommy Corn: If Hitler were alive, he'd tell you not to think about oil. Mrs Hooten: *You're* the Hitler! We took a Sudanese refugee into our home! Tommy Corn: You did. But how did Sudan happen, ma'am? Could it possibly be related to dictatorships that we support for some stupid reason? Mr Hooten: You shut up! You get out! Tommy Corn: You shut up. (to Albert) Tommy Corn: Come on. Let's get out of here.
Shania Twain: I eat Tofu Tuna, Brad!
Mrs Hooten: Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club? Albert Markovski: You mean the existential detectives? Mr Hooten: Sounds like a support group. Cricket: Why can't he use the church? Mrs Hooten: Sometimes people have additional questions to be answered. Cricket: Like what? Albert Markovski: Well, um, for instance - if the forms of this world die, which is more real,the me that dies or the me that's infinite? Can I trust my habitual mind or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?
Mrs Silver: (to Caterine Vauban) God, what are you, a bitch? You're a bitch. How many kids do you have, bitch?
Bernard Jaffe: When you get the blanket thing you can relax because everything you could ever want or be you already have and are.
(Albert's under "the blanket" for the first time) Brad Stand: Hey, man. How's it going? You're an asshole. Darlene: We will fucking destroy you, deary! Mr Nimieri: (holding up a still) Got Shaquille O'Neal. I like Shaq. (Brad and Dawn ride up on jet skis and wave)
Albert Markovski: What is it, a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange? Vivian Jaffe: Albert, have you ever been in love? Albert Markovski: What kind of question is that?
Bernard Jaffe: There is no remainder in the mathematics of infinity.
Bernard Jaffe: Everything is the same, even if it's different.
Tommy Corn: What are you doing tomorrow? Albert Markovski: I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come? Tommy Corn: What time? Albert Markovski: Mmm... one, one-thirty. Tommy Corn: Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains? Albert Markovski: We always do.
Albert Markovski: (to Vivian Jaffe) I can't believe you guys actually exist.
Bernard Jaffe: (to Albert Markovski) When you get the blanket thing, you can relax, because everything you could ever want or be, you already have and are.
Bernard Jaffe: (points to zipper bag) All right, get in. Albert Markovski: You want me to get in? Bernard Jaffe: Mm-hm. Albert Markovski: So get in here? Bernard Jaffe: Yeah. Albert Markovski: What's gonna happen to me in there? Bernard Jaffe: You're gonna see.
Mr Hooten: Stevo, I'm so disappointed. Mrs Hooten: It's all right. Look, he's sad. He's sad. Mr Hooten: I'm sorry Stevo. My bad. You didn't know. Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself. Mr Hooten: I should be what? Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself. Mr Hooten: And why's that? Why whould I be ashamed of myself? Tommy Corn: You're a hypocrite. Mr Hooten: I'm a what? Tommy Corn: You're misleading these children. 'Cause you're the destroyer, man. Mr Hooten: How am I the destroyer? Tommy Corn: I saw that S.U.V. out there. Mr Hooten: My car's the destroyer? You wanna know how many miles per gallon I get?
Brad Stand: Shania hates mayo all right, and she can't eat chicken salad, thats no joke. We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo - the lady hates chicken salad. So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches - she still doesn't believe me - I say, Shania, I'm allergic to mayo - which, by the way, is a lie. Shania still doesn't believe me so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it. So she eats one and a half sandwiches, one and a half sandwiches... before she realizes, its chicken salad.
Albert Markovski: Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.
Vivian Jaffe: Why don't you just tell me what your situation is? Albert Markovski: Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right? Vivian Jaffe: Well, we'll investigate and solve your case. Albert Markovski: How? Vivian Jaffe: If you start a contact we'll follow you. Albert Markovski: You'll spy? Vivian Jaffe: Yes. Albert Markovski: On me? Vivian Jaffe: Yes. Albert Markovski: Will you be spying on me in the bathroom? Vivian Jaffe: Yes. Albert Markovski: In the bathroom? Vivian Jaffe: Yes. Albert Markovski: Why? Vivian Jaffe: There's nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key till your entire reality.
Dawn Campbell: Fuckabees!
(running away from Vivian and Bernard) Tommy Corn: I want my money back! Albert Markovski: Yeah, and if I weren't pro bono, I'd want MY money back!
Translator: We smashed locusts and made bread.
Vivian Jaffe: Passive aggressive. Brad Stand: Shut up! Bernard Jaffe: Aggressive aggressive.
Brad Stand: How am I not myself?
Dawn Campbell: There's glass between us. You can't deal with my infinite nature can you? Brad Stand: That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?
Security Guard: You don't plant no tree in a parking lot!
Bernard Jaffe: Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay? This is me, this is you, And over here, this is the Eiffel Tower, right, it's Paris!
Cricket: Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts! Tommy Corn: I hate to break it to you, but He is - He most definitely is.
Security Guard: Hey, sign your bike out! Sign your bike out!
Albert Markovski: Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't, than nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!
Bernard Jaffe: If you look close enough you can't tell where my nose ends and space begins.
Caterine Vauban: The woods are hopeless. Don't waste your time, they will be destroyed. So will the marsh. It is a losing game mankind has played for more than a century. Sadness is what you are, do not deny it. The universe is a lonely place, a painful place. This is what we can share between us, period.
Bernard Jaffe: (grappling with removal men) Give me the teddy! (shouts) Give me the teddy!
Bernard Jaffe: The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.