How I Met Your Mother
2005
Barney: Have you met Ted?
Robin: Have you met Ted? Ted: I am the forementioned Ted. Amanda: Cool, so what do you do around here? Ted: Well... I... uh... I do nothing, absolutely nothing. Amanda: Well, I think I can find something for you and your girlfriend to do. Ted: Oh, she's not my girlfriend. Robin: I'm his ex-girlfriend. I just wasn't man enough for him. Emotionally... or sexually. Robin: (Robin goes up behind Amanda) Oh, my God.
Ted: (Ted is Drunk) Are you a Vampire? Carl: Ted, go home. Get some sleep. Ted: Yep, the suns comin' up pretty soon. Wouldn't wanna be around for *that* now, would we?
Barney: Snow-suit up!
Barney: Flight-suit up!
Barney: Penguin-suited up.
Trudy: I feel like doing somethin' stupid. Ted: I'm something stupid. Do me.
Ted: And so I licked the Liberty Bell. Laura: How did it taste? Ted: Like freedom... no, actually it tasted like pennies.
Barney: It's going to be legendary! Ted: Don't say that! You overuse the word "legendary". (flash back to Barney standing at Ted's door in snow gear with a shovel) Barney: We're building an igloo in Central Park! It's going to be legendary!
Lily: (Marshall, Ted and Lily discover Barney in the bathtub) What are you doing in the bathtub? Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling. Lily: Wait a minute, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it. (Barney starts laughing and looking at Ted and Marshall) Ha,ha, I totally didn't sleep through it! And boy, for a little girl, you've got a big tank!
Ted: Vomit free since '93!
Barney: Elbert "Ickey" Woods, the Bengals were fools to cut you in '91. Your 1,525 rushing yards and 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten. So, Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse!
Barney: Was that chick at the end really a client?
Ted: You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser... Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser. Ted: Oh, I've got references.
Older Ted: (talking to his son and daughter) Will you relax? I'm getting to it. Like I said, it's a long story.
Barney: There's no such thing as the signal! But yeah, that was the signal
Barney: It's a thanks-tini, cranberry juice, potato vodka, and... a boullion cube.
Lily: Friends don't let friends drink and dial.
Barney: We are international businessmen!
Barney: Suit up!
Ted: I'm gonna do what that guy couldn't, I'm gonna take the plunge... Well, I guess that's not a perfect metaphor since. for me it's falling in love and for him it's... death. Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.
Ted: I'm eating dinner in a Chinese restaurant I still don't believe in.
Ted: Can we maybe scoop stuffing for a while? Barney: You wanna scoop stuffing on your first day? (sarcastically makes phone with his hands and holds it to his ear) Hello, NFL, can I be quarterback next Sunday?
Ted: So, you're a reporter? Robin: Sorta, I do those fluff stories at the end of the show, like... Monkey can play a violin. I'm hoping for some bigger stories. Ted: Bigger... like, a Gorilla with an upright bass? Sorry, you're very pretty.
Marshall: I don't want our kids to play BaskIceball. That game's really dangerous! Lily: Yeah, what are the rules of that game? Marshall: There are no rules, we just wail on each other.
Ted: How easy do you think it is to sneak into the zoo? I need to see some penguins like, right now...