Dan's Father: How can you just sit there? Dr Gregory House: Well, if I eat standing up I spill.
(Dr House is seeing a patient whose skin is bright orange seeking treatment for back pain) Dr Gregory House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair. Orange patient: What? Dr Gregory House: You're *orange*, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colours, she's just not paying attention.
Dr Cameron: Men should grow up. Dr Gregory House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.
Dr Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth. Dr Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nads.
Dr Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious. Dr Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.
Dr Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality. Dr Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
Dr Gregory House: Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.
Rachel Adler: What made you a cripple? Dr Gregory House: I had an infarction. Rachel Adler: A heart attack? Dr Gregory House: It happens when the blood flow is obstructed. It's in the heart, it's a heart attack; it's in the lungs, it's a pulmonary embolism; it's in the brain, it's a stroke. I had it in my legs. Rachel Adler: Wasn't there something they could do? Dr Gregory House: There was plenty they could do... if they had made the right diagnosis. The only symptom was pain. Not many people get to experience muscle death. Rachel Adler: Did you think you were dying? Dr Gregory House: I hoped I was dying.
Dr Wilson: (Wilson is quoting a poem from a patient of House's) 'The healer with his magic powers! / I could rub his gentle brow for hours. / His manly chest, his stubbled jaw, / Everything about him leaves me raw-' Dr Gregory House: Psych ward's upstairs. Dr Wilson: -with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same.' It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love. Dr Gregory House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on. Dr Wilson: That's fairly disgusting. Dr Gregory House: That's ageism. Dr Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe.
Dr Gregory House: I am the doctor who's trying to save your son's life. You're the mother who's letting him die. Clarification- it's a beautiful thing.
Dr Robert Chase: Matt's mum won't make a move until she hears from the C.D.C. Dr Wilson: Godot would be faster.
Dr Gregory House: (to Dr Foreman, who has a famous patient's Do Not Resuscitate order) And hang onto that DNR... it could be worth a lot of money real soon.
Dr Gregory House: A patient comes because she's sleeping 16 hours a day, and it takes ten doctors and a coma to diagnose sleeping sickness.
Dr Gregory House: I suppose "minimally at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "No chance in hell"? Dr Robert Chase: Actually, I'm Australian. Dr Gregory House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.
Dr Gregory House: (in Cuddy's office with Foreman) Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us! (to Foreman) Go check out the hood, Dog.
Dr Lisa Cuddy: (approaching with two young-looking female interns) Dr House! Dr Gregory House: Time for Girl Scout cookies already? Dr Wilson: Get me some Thin Mints.
Dr Wilson: I forgot I needed a reason to give a crap. Dr Gregory House: You're actually giving two craps. Dr Wilson: The metric system always confused me.
Dr Wilson: (House is snooping through Wilson's file to try and find out why Wilson is insisting on a homeless woman being treated) You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, "friend" also translates into "limping twerp".
Dr Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody. Dr Gregory House: I don't *need* to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.
Dr Gregory House: You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking.
Chris Dewey: (trying to tell an uninterested House a patient's history) You're reading a comic book. Dr Gregory House: And you're drawing attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. (she covers her chest with her clipboard) Dr Gregory House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a "state-the-obvious" contest. I'm competitive by nature.
Rachel Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity. Dr Gregory House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it! I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass... it's always ugly, always! You can live with dignity; you can't die with it!
Dr Gregory House: You think it's going to come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem: it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff? You're gonna rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops. Young Man: How did you... ? Dr Gregory House: You've been here for half an hour and you haven't sat down; that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is; that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved under your arm; that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemarrhoids. I've been a doctor twenty years, you're not going to surprise me. Young Man: It's an MP3 player. Dr Gregory House: Is it... is it because of the size, the shape, or is it the pounding bass line?
Dr Gregory House: You don't have a problem with what I did?
Dr Gregory House: Very moving story. Explains why you're being so selfish. Naomi Randolph: I'm willing to die to protect my baby. Dr Gregory House: 'Cause it's what *you* want. He wants you to live. Naomi Randolph: You don't know what it's like. Dr Gregory House: Oh, who the hell does? Tragedies happen! If you think turning yourself into a disposable incubator is going to protect your kid from all the crap in this world, go ahead! Die happy! I have no problems with people killing themselves but don't think it makes you a hero.
Dr Robert Chase: In pre-med, I had a professor who - Dr Gregory House: - touched you in the naughty place?
Dr Wilson: (about Cameron) So she's really coming back? Aubrey Shifren: Who's coming back? Dr Gregory House: You don't know her. Dr Wilson: You give her a raise? Increase her benefits? Dr Gregory House: Don't have TiVo on this thing, can't rewind. Shut up. Aubrey Shifren: You lower her hours? Dr Gregory House: You don't even know her! Dr Wilson: Who is this guy? Dr Gregory House: He's a patient. Aubrey Shifren: He's examining me. Dr Gregory House: He's got to go back to work as soon as I'm done with the examination. Guess I do too. Dr Wilson: It's got to be something. I mean, she didn't come back because she likes you. (House gets a strange look on his face) Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you! Aubrey Shifren: Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her! Dr Gregory House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check. (to Wilson) I've agreed to take her on one date. Dr Wilson: What? Aubrey Shifren: So, you into this girl? Dr Wilson: Yes. Dr Gregory House: No! She's not giving me any choice. Aubrey Shifren: Wait... she's making you do her? Dr Gregory House: Date her. Dr Wilson: Young ingenue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet gentle nature bring him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart. Aubrey Shifren: (puts his arm around House's shoulders) Do her, or you're gay. Dr Gregory House: For God's sake. (grabs TV and as he's walking out the door) Dr Wilson, Aubrey Shifren: - sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G Dr Gregory House: Grow up. And learn to harmonize.
(Cameron is in the lab working on some equipment) Dr Gregory House: Mixing up some margaritas? Mine's a double, Senorita. That's Portuguese you know. Dr Cameron: (too quietly) Spanish. Dr Gregory House: Uh-oh. What's going on? Dr Cameron: I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge. Dr Gregory House: Turn around. (she's been crying) Dr Gregory House: It's a very sad thing, an un-calibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too. Dr Cameron: I'm not crying. Dr Gregory House: Ok. (pause) Dr Cameron: ... When I was in college, I... I fell in love, and I got married. And... Dr Gregory House: At that age the chances of a marriage lasting - Dr Cameron: It lasted six months. Thyroid cancer metastasized to his brain. There was nothing they could do. I was 21, and I watched my husband die. Dr Gregory House: I'm sorry. But that's not the whole story. It's a symptom, not your illness. Thyroid cancer would have been diagnosed at least a year before his death, you knew he was dying when you married him. Must have been when you first met him. And you married him anyway. You can't be that good a person and well adjusted. Dr Cameron: Why? Dr Gregory House: Because you wind up crying over centrifuges. Dr Cameron: Or hating people?
Dr Cameron: (outraged) You pulled my medical records? Dr Gregory House: You coughed the other day, I was concerned. Dr Cameron: You were curious. Like an eight year old boy with a puzzle that's just a little too grown up for him to figure out. (stalks off) Dr Gregory House: To-MAY-to, to-MAH-to...
Dr Gregory House: I saw the light on. Dr Cameron: It's daytime. Dr Gregory House: Yeah. It's a figure of speech. Always so literal. (pause) Dr Cameron: Got a new cane. Dr Gregory House: Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe... Dr Cameron: Why are you here? Dr Cameron: Vogler is dead. Dr Cameron: What? What happened? Dr Gregory House: Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea, Mr Destructo, Mr Moneybags, bow does before me; he is gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were. Dr Cameron: The way they were was kind of weird. Dr Gregory House: Weird works for me. Dr Cameron: What are you saying? Literally? Dr Gregory House: I want you to come back. Dr Cameron: Why? (House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms) Dr Gregory House: Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing... Dr Cameron: Could you look at your pager? (he does) Dr Gregory House: It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area. Dr Cameron: You should go, it's important. Dr Gregory House: What I'm doing now is important. Dr Cameron: Why do you want me back? Dr Gregory House: Because you're a good doctor. Dr Cameron: That's it? Dr Gregory House: That's not enough? Dr Cameron: Not for me. Go deal with your plague. (she shuts the door in his face.)
(About Cuddy) Dr Robert Chase: You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been... nasty. Dr Gregory House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
(someone is groaning in the restroom stall) Dr Gregory House: Good lord, are you having a bowel movement or a baby?
Dr Gregory House: Why are you doing this? Dr Cameron: I'm not doing anything. Dr Gregory House: You're manipulating everyone. Dr Cameron: People... dismiss me. Because I'm a woman, because I'm pretty, because I'm not agressive. My opinions shouldn't be rejected just because people don't like me. Dr Gregory House: They like you. Everyone likes you. (he starts to walk away) Dr Cameron: Do you? (pause) I have to know. Dr Gregory House: No. Dr Cameron: (smiles quietly) Okay.
Dr Wilson: (House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron) The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello. Dr Gregory House: This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring. Dr Wilson: Open doors for her, help her with her chair - Dr Gregory House: I have been on a date. Dr Wilson: Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A. : her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me. Panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some. Dr Gregory House: (sarcastically) Did your wife give them to you? Dr Wilson: Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow. Dr Gregory House: I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow. (House moves to the kitchen) Dr Wilson: And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter. That's a good idea, settle your nerves. Get me a beer too. Dr Gregory House: No beer. Dr Wilson: You're gonna eat before dinner? (House reaches into the friedge and takes out a corsage.) Dr Gregory House: This is pretty lame, right? Dr Wilson: I think she likes lame.
Dr Robert Chase: (about Cameron and House's upcoming date) House isn't going to hand you anything. You want him, you've gotta take him. Jump him.
Dr Roger Spain (First Applicant) : Wow, I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity. Dr Gregory House: Nonconformity; right... I can't remember the last time saw a twenty something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel; stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a hair cut. Like the Asian kids that don't leave the library for a twenty hours stretch. They're the ones that don't care what you think. (pause) Sayonara (Dr Spain exits office) Dr Wilson: So, should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names? Dr Gregory House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.
Bryan Singer: Everybody wants to direct!
Dr Gregory House: Read less, more TV.
Dr Gregory House: That's absurd. I love it.
Dr Lisa Cuddy: You need a lawyer.
Dr Lisa Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget.
Dr Cameron: Why did you hire me? Dr Gregory House: Does it matter? Dr Cameron: Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you. Dr Gregory House: Why? Dr Cameron: Is that rhetorical? Dr Gregory House: No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job? Dr Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record. Dr Gregory House: No, it wasn't a racial thing. I didn't see a black guy, I just saw a doctor with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. And I hired you because you are extremely pretty. Dr Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants? Dr Gregory House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby. Dr Cameron: I was at the top of my class! Dr Gregory House: But not *the* top. Dr Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic! Dr Gregory House: You were a very good applicant. Dr Cameron: But not the best. Dr Gregory House: Would that upset you, really, to think that you were hired for some genetic gift of beauty instead of some genetic gift of intelligence? Dr Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am! Dr Gregory House: You didn't have to. People choose the paths that gain them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's a law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could've married rich, you could've been a model, you could've just shown up and people would've given you stuff - lots of stuff - but you didn't. You worked your stunning little ass off. Dr Cameron: Am I supposed to be flattered? Dr Gregory House: Gorgeous women do not go to medical school... unless they are as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member? Dr Cameron: No! Dr Gregory House: Sexually assaulted? Dr Cameron: No! Dr Gregory House: But you *are* damaged, aren't you?
Stacy Warner: You avoid work like the plague, unless it actually is the plague.
Stacy Warner: God, you are such an idiot. Dr Gregory House: Actually, I thought I was more of a jerk.
Carmen Electra: (during a diagnostics lecture on leg pain, House has substituted Carmen Electra for the actual patient) Can I put my pants back on? Dr Gregory House: I'd rather you not.
Gabriel Reilich: Who are you? Dr Gregory House: The little ones call me "Uncle Greg."
Dr Gregory House: (to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area) Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. Dr Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file. Dr Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will. (to Lisa) That is true, isn't it? (to crowd) But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? (nobody moves) And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? (everybody raises their hand) Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind. Dr Lisa Cuddy: Jody Matthews? (Jody raises her hand) Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.
Dr Gregory House: (talking about 9-year-old cancer patient) Let's see how brave she is when she finds out she's going to die. Dr Wilson: Go to hell.
Dr Gregory House: Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think?
Dr Eric Foreman: No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that. Dr Gregory House: Show of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? Who thinks there's a third option? (Dr Chase raises his hand) Dr Gregory House: Very good. What's the third choice? Dr Robert Chase: No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.
Dr Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex. Dr Gregory House: Their mistake.
Dr Robert Chase: I definitely need to know. You haven't had any sex? Gabriel Reilich: I wish.
Dr Gregory House: (sticking his head into an exam room) Need a consult! Dr Wilson: With a patient! Dr Gregory House: Urgent doctor stuff.
Dr Cameron: All this hate is toxic.
Dr Robert Chase: How'd you like it if I interfered in your personal life? Dr Gregory House: I'd hate it. That's why, cleverly, I have no personal life.
Dr Gregory House: Clue number one - if I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine. Dr Eric Foreman: Demonic possession? Dr Gregory House: Close, but no wafer.
Dr Lisa Cuddy: (House is reporting for clinic duty) You're half an hour late. Dr Gregory House: Busy case load. Dr Lisa Cuddy: One case is not a "load".
(House is popping pills) Orange patient: What is that? What are you taking? Dr Gregory House: Painkillers. Orange patient: Oh, for your... for your leg. Dr Gregory House: No, 'cause they're yummy! Want one?
Dr Wilson: I love my wife. Dr Gregory House: You certainly love saying it.
Dr Wilson: At least I try. Dr Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want. Dr Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want. Dr Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!
Dr Gregory House: Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritating recently. Dr Cameron: And? Dr Gregory House: I didn't realize it was possible for a woman to be 'unusually' irritable.
Dr Gregory House: I find your interest interesting.
Dr Lisa Cuddy: It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, did the complications increase exponentially with cup size?
Dr Cameron: You want me to tell a man whose wife is about to die that she may have cheated on him? Dr Gregory House: No, I want you to be polite and let her die.
Dr Gregory House: Chicks dig this (waves cane) It's better than a puppy!
Dr Lisa Cuddy: People talk. Dr Gregory House: About how big your ass is getting? I've been defending you- you got back!
(Dr House, to delay a surgery, has violently sneezed and coughed all over the sterile field) Anesthesiologist: Well, there's no way we can do the surgery now... Dr Hourani: Ya think?
Dr Eric Foreman: You assaulted that man! Dr Gregory House: Fine. I'll never do it again. Dr Eric Foreman: Yes you will. Dr Gregory House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.
Dr Gregory House: You mentioned leishmaniasis and filariasis. Where did you hear about them? Jeffrey: I told you, I found them on the Internet. Dr Gregory House: What, did you search of "obscure tropical diseases that don't match my son's symptoms?"
Dr Cameron: I'm uncomfortable about sex. Dr Robert Chase: Well, we don't have to talk about this... Dr Cameron: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. (She pauses to catch her breath) Dr Robert Chase: (He is speechless) Dr Cameron: Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Know that women can have an hour long orgasm? Dr Eric Foreman: (enters) Dr Cameron: (as if nothing had just occurred) Hey Foreman. What's up?
Dr Gregory House: Ah, a rash, call a dermatologist. If it's wet, keep it dry. If it's dry, keep it wet. If it's not supposed to be there, cut it off. I never could remember all that.
Dr Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat. Dr Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
Dr Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect. Dr Gregory House: And the reason you want respect? Dr Wilson: To... get laid.
Dr Wilson: (paraphrasing House's frequent quote) "Everybody lies"... except *politicians*? House, I believe you are a romantic. You didn't just believe him, you believed in him. You wanna come over tonight and watch old movies and *cry*? (pauses, points) Dr Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much *niceness* and not get any on you Dr Gregory House: Is that why you haven't put the moves on her? Dr Wilson: What makes you think I *haven't* put the moves on her? Dr Gregory House: (Stops and stares) Dr Wilson: (points) Oh. (he's onto something big) (whispers) Oh *boy*! You're in trouble. (laughs and exits)
(repeated line) Dr Gregory House: Everybody lies.
Dr Cameron: What happened to "Everybody Lies"? Dr Gregory House: I lied.
Dr Gregory House: Fine. Have it your way. Immaculate conception. Susan: Um, what do I do? Dr Gregory House: Well, it's obvious - start a religion.
Dr Eric Foreman: (to House) These regulations aren't just here to annoy you.
Mr Foster: What is your problem? Dr Gregory House: Bum leg, what's yours?
Dr Robert Chase: I think we need to take his girlfriend's theory into account. Dr Cameron: Oh, and what is that? Dr Robert Chase: She thinks she rode him to death.
Dr Gregory House: What we need to do is treat... um... Dr Cameron: Brandon. Dr Gregory House: Brandon! Thank you. Now, most allergic reactions accompany some form of drug. Have you ever taken drugs... Dr Cameron: Brandon. Dr Gregory House: Brandon! Lovely name.
Dr Wilson: Even I don't like you! Dr Gregory House: Words can hurt you know.
Dr Gregory House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.
Dr Gregory House: (searching Cuddy's house for the cause of her handyman's illness) (holds up a thong) Does this count as red?
Dr Gregory House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank! Dr Lisa Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're... (House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder) Dr Lisa Cuddy: What are you doing? Dr Gregory House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods. (Wilson smirks) Dr Lisa Cuddy: I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old! Dr Gregory House: Sorry. You just don't normally see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine. (Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest) Dr Lisa Cuddy: Women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones? Dr Gregory House: No, they can be babes. It's just you don't normally see their fun bags.
Dr Gregory House: I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting, new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce.
Dr Lisa Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job. Dr Gregory House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."
Dr Gregory House: Everybody lies.
(repeated line) Dr Gregory House: We're missing something.
Dr Gregory House: Hey! You're killing her! Edward Vogler: Really? Dr Gregory House: She knew the risks! One blip in the data and your results are off! Edward Vogler: The FDA eats blips for breakfast! One person shouldn't endanger thousands! Dr Gregory House: Thank God for you to save all those lives! Edward Vogler: (chuckles) Calm down. Why don't you play some Game Boy? Watch your soap? I hear they're firing the handsome doctor today.
Ramona: Hi. I'm having vaginal pain. Dr Gregory House: Pleasure to meet you.
Ramona: My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands. Dr Gregory House: Not any more.
Dr Gregory House: Overall, drug addicts are idiots
Dr Gregory House: (trying to get Cuddy to leave the room by admitting malpractice) So there I was, in the clinic, drunk, so I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find...
Dr Gregory House: So what's your plan? You take the big dark one, I'll take the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things get tough.
Dr Wilson: I love my wife. Dr Gregory House: You loved all your wives.
Dr Gregory House: Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to hide steroid use.
Dr Gregory House: That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat. Dr Wilson: No, I wanted to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower.
Dr Gregory House: I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die, so my biggest problem is the curse to do the math.
Dr Gregory House: The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth. Dr Wilson: They were Prada, which means she has good taste. Dr Gregory House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum. Dr Wilson: Okay, well... they were nice, pointy.
Dr Eric Foreman: How'd she get to you? Dr Gregory House: She's the CEO of Sonyo cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.
Dr Cameron: That's not necessarily bad news. Dr Eric Foreman: Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time?
Dr Robert Chase: Well, let's go further outside the box. Let's say the angio revealed a clot, and let's say we treated that clot, and now she's all better, and personally thanked me by performing ... Dr Cameron: My Aunt Elisa lives in Philadelphia. Dr Gregory House: Oh, it's storytime! Let me get my baba.
Dr Wilson: Oh, this is where I give you advice and pretend you are going listen to it, I love this part.
Dr Gregory House: Be home by midnight or you can't have the car this weekend.
Dr Gregory House: Fascinating story. Did you think about adapting it to the stage?
Dr Gregory House: You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.
Dr Gregory House: Dr Cuddy. Thanks for the consult. His throat seems to have some condition. Dr Lisa Cuddy: He has a sore throat. Dr Gregory House: Of *course*! Yes! Why didn't I... He... He said that it hurt and I should have deduced that it was sore. Dr Lisa Cuddy: I was in a board meeting. Dr Gregory House: Patients come first, right?
Dr Cameron: Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? Dr Eric Foreman: (everyone stares) Dr Cameron: I'm being House. It's funny. Dr Eric Foreman: I know. You made milk come out of my nose
(House has just interviewed a new doctor that is more sarcastic then he is) Dr Wilson: That's our Hitler!
Dr Eric Foreman: It's dangerous, it could kill him. You should do it.
Dr Gregory House: Does your penis hurt? John Funsten: What? No! Should it? Dr Gregory House: No, I thought I'd give you a really inappropriate question. Your lawyers will love it.
Dr Gregory House: McPhearson? Horrible doctor, I heard he tortured kittens. Dr Lisa Cuddy: No, McDonald. Dr Gregory House: Oh, McDonald? Wonderful Doctor, loves kittens
Dr Wilson: You're not going to be happy with anyone. Dr Gregory House: So, what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy? Dr Wilson: No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away. Dr Gregory House: Now it's people. I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants. Dr Wilson: You have a history of this. Dr Gregory House: Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.
Dr Wilson: You had the perfect person, and you blew it. Dr Gregory House: You saw the shoes! Dr Wilson: I'm not talking about her. Dr Gregory House: You're talking about Cameron. Dr Wilson: I'm talking about every woman you've ever given a damn about. Dr Gregory House: Cameron is so not perfect. Dr Wilson: Well, nobody's perfect. Dr Gregory House: Mother Theresa? Dr Wilson: Dead. Dr Gregory House: Angelina Jolie? Dr Wilson: No medical degree. Dr Gregory House: Oh, so now who's being picky.
Dr Cameron: (discussing a patient's diagnosis) What about sex? Dr Gregory House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that. Dr Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis. Dr Gregory House: Heh, nice cover.
(to House) Dr Cameron: I thought you were too screwed up to love anyone. I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. It's okay. I'm happy for you.
Dr Gregory House: Bros before hos, man.
(Cameron has just left the room) Clarence: Oof. That's the finest piece I seen in ten years. Dr Gregory House: I coulda hit that. Clarence: And you didn't? Dr Gregory House: Eh. Clarence: Then you're the one that should be locked up.
Dr Gregory House: I'm a little busy - gettin' my drink on.
Dr Gregory House: (after seeing Stacy outside office window and closing blinds) What? Mommy and Daddy are fighting right now, but that doesn't mean we don't love you.
Dr Eric Foreman: Why did you kill your girlfriend? Clarence: The bitch stepped out. (Foreman stabs him with a needle)
Dr Gregory House: (House is eating lunch while sitting next to a patient in a coma) He doesn't mind, I asked.
Dr Eric Foreman: Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28 and a decreased HCO3. Dr Gregory House: Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bi-carb. Less significantly, we have a new symptom. Who's chubby?
Stacy Warner: If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so? Dr Gregory House: I don't want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a really big hospital.
(to Cameron, Chase and Foreman) Dr Gregory House: Talk to Cuddy. She's got me going into Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She's trying to impress her new sex-retary.
(to Dr Cuddy) Dr Gregory House: What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?
Dr Gregory House: Treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
(to Foreman) Dr Gregory House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything.
Dr Gregory House: How are we doing on the cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home. Dr Lisa Cuddy: No, you couldn't. Dr Gregory House: Nice.
Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm overtraining; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, (House looks tired) but I can't seem to lose any weight. Dr Gregory House: Lift up your arms. (she does so) You have a parasite. Jill: Like a tapeworm or something? Dr Gregory House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. (she lies back, and still has her hands up) You can put your arms down. Jill: Can you do anything about it? Dr Gregory House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states. (he starts to ultrasound her abdomen) Jill: Illegal? Dr Gregory House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites ... Jill: Playdates? Dr Gregory House: (shows her the ultrasound) It has your eyes. (it's a baby)
(to Cameron at Christmas) Dr Gregory House: Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?
Lucy Palermo: (Lucy is reading aloud "Her Praise" by W.B. Yeats) I will talk no more of books or of the long war / But walk by the dry thorn until I have found some beggar shelter from the wind / And there manage the talk until her name come round. / If there be rags enough / He will know her name and be well pleased remembering it. / For in the old days / Though she had young men's praise and old men's blame / Among the poor both the old and young gave her praise.
Dr Cameron: I'm the only one who's always stood behind you when you've screwed up. Dr Gregory House: Why? Why would you support someone who screws up? Dr Cameron: Because I'm not insanely insecure, and because I can actually trust in another human being, and I am not an angry, misanthropic son of a bitch. Dr Gregory House: I'm sorry. You said you *weren't* angry.
Dr Gregory House: (examining a baby) No fever, glands normal. Missing her vaccination dates. Young Mother: We're not vaccinating. Dr Gregory House: Think they don't work? Young Mother: I think some multinational pharmaceutical company wants me to think they work. Pad their bottom line. Dr Gregory House: Mmmm. May I? (he takes the baby's frog and starts to do a gribbit noise with the baby) Young Mother: (whispered) Sure. Dr Gregory House: Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. (the baby laughs) Dr Gregory House: All natural, no dyes. That's a good business - all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend in research and development. The worst a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop *really* fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. Young Mother: (Frightened) Tell me what she has. Dr Gregory House: (long suffering) A cold.
Dr Eric Foreman: You are aware of the Hippocratic oath, right? Dr Gregory House: The one that starts, "First, do no harm", then goes on to tell us: no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone? Yeah, took a read once. Wasn't impressed.
Dr Lisa Cuddy: Are you being *intentionally* dense? Dr Gregory House: Huh?
Nurse #2: I'll get a doctor. Dr Gregory House: Well, you'd better hurry. You've got about twenty seconds before I go into cardiac arrest. (machines start to sound) Huh, I was wrong.
(watching House interrupt a live, televised press conference) Dr Wilson: Now that's quality television.
Dr Lisa Cuddy: Is there nobody you admire? Dr Gregory House: Well, there was this girl in 'Nam who could blow out a candle without using her...
Dr Robert Chase: (discussing Dr Charles' condition) What about something metabolic? Dr Gregory House: Welcome aboard the good ship Asskisser. Nice day for a sail! Pucker up, me 'earties!
Dr Wilson: (discussing Dr Charles) You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are. Dr Gregory House: And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes... crazy, crazy world.
Dr Gregory House: (House has determined a patient is allergic to her newly adopted cat) You're allergic. We can control it with antihistamines, one pill a day. Mandy: Pills? Dr Gregory House: You don't like to swallow? I'm not surprised. Forget the pills, I'll give you a nasal spray. Mandy: Steroids? Is there something else you can give me? Dr Gregory House: Well, if you live by the river, I've got a bag...
Dr Gregory House: (Cuddy has reprimanded House for upsetting a female patient who mistakenly thought Foreman was him) Let me ask you something. If this were another doctor, if the patient were complaining about, say... Foreman, you'd just dismiss this as the paranoid bitching of another paranoid bitch, and file it under P for... Dr Wilson: Paranoid? Dr Gregory House: I am not!
Dr Gregory House: (answering Newsweek's phone call about Dr Charles' condition) In my opinion, Dr Sebastian Charles is an idiot! Yeah, you can quote me... C-U-D-D-Y.
(Houses' patient has just collapsed) Dr Gregory House: This is exactly why I created nurses. Clean up on aisle three!
Stacy Warner: We have to talk. Dr Gregory House: Oh, God, are you pregnant? 'Cause I really wanna finish high school!
Dr Eric Foreman: This guy's been injecting himself how many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolus. Dr Gregory House: So air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.
Dr Gregory House: (House has had a confrontation with Stacy's wheelchair-bound husband) How awkward was that? What is he doing here, anyway? He's got physio Tuesdays and Fridays. Dr Wilson: He's in group therapy for people coping with disability. He thought about developing a drug addiction, but that would be stupid. Dr Gregory House: Hey! You again!