Holby City
1999
Zubin Khan: For the first time ever, the NHS has more managers than beds. Did you know that? Helen Grant: Your point? Zubin Khan: I've got a rather revolutionary idea. You can take it to your next Trust meeting if you like. Get the managers down on all-fours, throw blankets over them - and hey presto! Ric Griffin: (to Helen Grant) People management. Not really your forté, is it?
(agency nurse Anna has asked who has been killing the patients) Kath Shaughnessy: No one yet, But we might start with agency nurses! (Anna walks off) Chrissie Williams: You hold her down, I'll sit on her head!
Connie Beauchamp: Unless Tom Campbell-Gore is wearing my skirt and heels, I'm in charge here.
Mark Williams: The drinks are on me. Chrissie Williams: Who do you think you are? The Milky Bar Kid?
Connie Beauchamp: Do you get altitude sickness? Will Curtis: What? Connie Beauchamp: From your moral high ground.
Rosie Sattar: I'm 40. There's something I'm missing. Oh, yeah, a baby. Pass me the yellow pages.
(Will and Mubbs are carrying out an operation that Connie has specifically ordered them not to carry out) Will Curtis: We need to get through this as quickly as possible - every minute on the table is putting an extra strain on her heart. Mubbs Hussein: It's not something I can rush. If I deliver too much fluid or too quickly it may cause the placenta to detach. Will Curtis: It's Connie detaching my testicles that I'm concerned about.
Zubin Khan: Mrs Beauchamp, I have to admit that you have the leadership skills of an eight-year-old with a Kalashnikov.
(gossiping about Connie) Lisa Fox: Her husband's just been made chairman of the board. Donna Jackson: Husband? I thought they just plugged her into the mains at the end of each day.
(to Matt who has just terrified a patient by using lots of incomprehensible medical terms when she asked "What's wrong with me") Zubin Khan: Next time you go anywhere near a reference book, look up the term "layman".
(to Matt, after a patient has disappeared from her bed to give herself a fix of morphine) Lola Griffin: Matthew... Ever played Hunt-the-Patient?
(repeated line) Lola Griffin: As my late lamented grandmother used to say...
Lola Griffin: As my grandma used to say, "If you look for a peck of trouble, don't gripe when you find a bushel." Ric Griffin: (sarcastically) As ever, your grandma's wisdom astounds me.
Lola Griffin: As Grandma used to say, "All mouth and no trousers makes Jack a dull boy". Ric Griffin: Is it possible your grandma was a little confused?
(as requested, Zubin reads "affirmations" to Monica Keppel, who believes in faith-healing, while she is under anaesthetic) (he adds a few of his own) Zubin Khan: (reading from sheet) "Please speak the following healing affirmations into the patient's ear in a calm, relaxing voice." Hello, Monica. I am Two Trees Blowing In The Wind, your anaesthetist. Ric Griffin: It doesn't say that. Zubin Khan: Your operation has gone well. When you wake, you will be comfortable and you will urinate easily. Ric Griffin: It does say that. Zubin Khan: She's done her research. You will be hungry for - insert appropriate dietary requirements - and your body is now ready to complete the chain of healing. "Repeat the statement three times." Oh, I forgot a bit. And, Monica, when you wake up you will also believe that you're a giant talking rabbit. Ric Griffin: Professor Khan! Zubin Khan: (throwing away sheet of affirmations in disgust) Well, it either works or it doesn't.
(reading patients' comment cards in the family-planning clinic) Mickie Hendrie: (smirking) We've got some really good comments. Donna Jackson: "I never knew you could get free condoms here. Now I won't have to re-use my old ones." How gross is that?