History of the World: Part I
1981
Auctioneer: Where are you from? Josephus: Ethiopia Auctioneer: What part? Josephus: 125th Street.
Count de Monet: Don't get saucy with me, Bernaise.
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation? Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. Dole Office Clerk: What? Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension. Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist! Comicus: Hmmmmmm... Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week? Comicus: No. Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to bullshit last week? Comicus: Yes!
Empress Nympho: Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit? Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa! Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward. Josephus: Hey, I got a great corkscrew. Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa! Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!
Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank? Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank. Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
Oedipus: (walking around collecting donations) Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey Josephus! Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
Swiftus: Oh you are nuts. N-V-T-S - nuts!
Madame DeFarge: We are so poor, we don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent! Fellow Revolutionist: She's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier! (laughs) Au-haw-haw. Crowd: Au-haw-haw.
Empress Nympho: (to her litter bearers) Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!
Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth - the critic.
Marcus Vindictus: What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant. Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the master baits.
Comicus: The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation - but I hear that that's coming quickly.
Comicus: The Christians are so poor... Swiftus: How poor are they? Comicus: Thank you. They are so poor... That they only have one God. (drumbeat, everyone laughs) Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.
(Condemned for offending Emperor Nero with his stand-up routine) Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
King Louis XVI: It's good to be the king!
Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting. King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
Plumbing Salesman: Pipe the shit out of your house!
Leader of Senate: All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote? Entire Senate: FUCK THE POOR!
Count de Monet: My Lord, you look just like the piss-boy! King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit!
Insolent Flunky: Count yer money. Count de Monet: Count de Monet!
Dole Office Clerk: (to a gladiator) Now listen this is your last week of unemployment insurance, either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status.
Apostle: Please go away! Comicus: All right all right! Jesus! Jesus: Yes?
Miriam: Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours? Comicus: Miracle. Uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher. Miriam: Oh, I'm Miriam, I'm a vestal virgin. Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that.
Narrator: See; Hitler on Ice!
Chief Monk: Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!
Dole Office Clerk: I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.
Oedipus: Donations for the blind? Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
Emperor Nero: Wash this!
King Louis XVI: (sniffs cocaine into each nostril) Everything's so green.
Bearnaise: I don't like your cuffs!... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls! Count de Monet: At least I have them! Bearnaise: Bitch!
Monsieur Rimbaud: (falls flat on face) What fool put a carpet on the wall?
Roman Officer: Seize him! Josephus: (grabs crotch) Seize *this*, honkus!
Comicus: (during the Roman empire) So, have you heard about this new guys, the "Christians"? They are so poor... that they only have ONE God!
Roman Officer: Do you know the penalty for a slave that strikes a Roman citizen? (people in the crowd raise hands enthusiastically) Roman Officer: Ok, you. You had your hand up first. Man in crowd: Death by torture! Roman Officer: No. You. Man in crowd: Crucifiction! Roman Officer: No. You. Man in crowd: They shove a living snake up your ass! Roman Officer: Ah, no... but that's very creative.
King Louis XVI: Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! *Gangbang*!
Poppinjay: (muffled in to microphone) Pawn threatens bishop. King Louis XVI: What the hell did you just say? Poppinjay: (turning to King Louis XVI without removing the microphone) Pawn threatens bishop.
Judas: No. No. Leave us alone! Comicus: All right, all right! Jesus! Jesus: Yes. Comicus: What? Jesus: What? Comicus: What? Jesus: Yes. Comicus: Jesus! Jesus: Yes. Comicus: What? Jesus: What? Comicus: You said what. Jesus: Yes. Comicus: Nothing.
Moses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen... (drops one of the tablets) Moses: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!