Hercules
1998
(Upon finding out his Roman name) Hades: They named me "Pluto"? What kind of a name is "Pluto"? I wouldn't call my dog "Pluto".
Arachne: I prefer to be called a "freelance web designer."
Hades: Have your minions call my minions.
Hades: Welcome to the Afterlife, the Unhappiest Place under Earth.
Nemesis: You're so stupid, you think a minotaur is a short trip.
Parenthesis: For generations we've used the oracular reading of oxen guts to predict our student's careers, or lack thereof. Hercules: Eeeyugh. Couldn't you use some sort of aptitude test instead? Parenthesis: We tried that. The oxen guts were more accurate by 72%.
Poseidon: Say, brother, did I ever tell you about when I invented the marine mammal? Hades: Uh, yeah, Poseidon, about a zillion times... Poseidon: 'Course, the first few drowned. You know, mammals. Then it hit me: blowhole.
Zeus: Chill out, Hades. (Blows out Hades' hair) Look at that. I should make a wish. Hades: Lord of the Underworld: How about a death wish?
Hades: Lord of the Underworld: Everybody's happy. Well, I'm happy. Everyone else is wracked with pain. Nice.
Hades: I know you're out there, I can hear you rotting.
Hades: My business is dead people. If I have no dead people, my business is dead, people.
Zeus: Oh, Hades. I was just looking for the Little Gods' Room. Hades: Go in the pool. Zeus: Is that sanitary?
Hades: Why. Do they do that? What is that, some kind of verbal diarrhea?
Hades: Oh, look, a flower. Nature's little reminder... that I LOATHE spring.
Hades: Hi, kids! Name's Hades and I'm your new principal. I'll be instituting a new educational paradigm based on the three Rs: revenge, requital, and retribution. You'll love it. And get this. There is no homework. (Students cheer) Hades: Because you don't get to go home.
(Pain and Panic have to stop Icarus from kissing Cassandra) Pain: He's going to kiss somebody? I have to get out more. I could do okay.
Hades: C'mon, I haven't got all day. What am I talking about? I have eternity; I just don't want to spend it with you two.
Icarus: Herc, you need a guy who's in the know, someone who can plug you to the epicenter of the chic Greek elite. Hercules: Gee, that'd be great! Icarus: Yeah, wouldn't it? I'm not that guy.
Ares: Remember: make war, not love.
(the Argonauts are greeted by nymphs who invite them to stay in their island forever) Jason of the Argonauts: Well, it's obvious what's happening here. These nymphs are trying to keep us from our quest. Bootes: No, that's just a bonus.
(Jason has found the Golden Fleece and is rubbing in on his hair) Jason of the Argonauts: How's my hair? Black as pitch? Hercules: Ah, no. Sorry. Jason of the Argonauts: Oh well. I hear some fellow Grecians are working on a formula for that, anyway.
Hercules: Zeusapalooza? This is not dad's style at all. Cassandra: This isn't anyone's style. Icarus: Woo! Bring on the big Z, baby!
Zeus: (about to smite Salmoneus) Blasphemous infidel on the side pocket.
Tiresias: I used to have vast knowledge. Now they pin my room number on me.
Icarus: Yes, my friends, there's a lot to be learned from our elders. For example, if I had listened to Daedalus and not flown into the sun with wax wings... Cassandra: ... You wouldn't be famous for doing something stupidly reckless. Icarus: Oh, man! I was this close to wisdom! This close!
(At the retirement home, Adonis has one of the boarders cleaning his feet) Hercules: Adonis, aren't you supposed to be helping him? Adonis: Oh, but I am. I'm giving him gainful employment. Does wonders for the self esteem. Hercules: His, or yours? Adonis: It's a win-win.
Daedalus: Behold, the fundamental machine: the lever. Sublimely simple. Say it with me. Hercules: I got it. Daedalus: No, say lever! Never mind. Here's a working model. As my close personal friend Archimedes once said, "Give me a lever long enough, a fulcrum high enough, a place to stand, and I'll kiss you on the nose." He was a strange man.
Hades: (taking Poseidon's trident from Hercules) Who wants trident? I do, I do! Didn't you read the fine print on this? For ages immortal and up.
Cassandra: I can't believe all the trouble I've caused. It's so much better when you guys cause the trouble, and I get to sarcastically comment.
Cassandra: I'm not your sassy Cassie! I'm not your Cassie lassie! I'm not your anything and anything that stupidly rhymes with the first thing!
Adonis: There's been a change in the menu. There will be no feasting on flesh today. Instead you shall taste my blade. (Hands his sword to a servant) Here, make him taste my blade.
(Hercules and Adonis are trying to impress Circe) Adonis: First of all, look at this tan. Have you ever seen such a beautiful sight? Hercules: Yes, as a matter of fact, on Mount Olympus. That's my home, you know. Or it will be, once I achieve my fullest potencial. Adonis: Yes, and you will live there with all your elf and pixie friends. Right, Hercules? What fun! (Whispering to Circe) He's crazy.
Gaia: Who dares disturb the slumber of Gaia? Adonis: (Points to a worker) That's him! The one with the pickaxe! The soon-to-be-cursed chap wearing the thing. Gaia: You arrogant, little mortal! I see through your flimsy lies! Adonis: Would sturdier lies help? I could shore them up with some half-truths.
(Hercules has been tied to a target by Ares and launched into the air. Ares' arrow splits the target in two, leaving Hercules with two 'wings') Icarus: Flap, man! Flap! Cassandra: Yeah, *that'll* work! Hercules: Wow! Is this what it was like to fly, Icarus? (Ares shoots the "wings" off him and Hercules flaps his arms desperately in the air for a few seconds before plummeting down) Icarus: Yeah... that was pretty much it. Course, I got more sun.
Cassandra: Come with me if you want to live.
Cassandra: Is that the underground boat ride in the dark? Icarus: Really dark. Give you any ideas? (growls) Cassandra: Yeah! No-one will see me push you over. Let's go!
Pain: What evil can we inflict for you? Vengeance? Torture? Adult contemporary music?
(Pain and Panic are in King Croesus' dungeon, checking out his torture devices) Pain: Look at all this stuff! Croesus has a much bigger budget than Hades. Panic: A portable evicerator! I can't wait to try this baby out. Pain: Ooh! Ooh! A Flay-Z-Boy recliner! Panic: It's so many toys! I can't decide! Oh, this *is* torture!
Icarus: (about Homer) He's always following you around. It's so creepy. How can you stand it? Cassandra: Years of practice.
(Atlantis is sinking; King Croesus has summoned Hades for help) Hades: Look, Babe, your check bounced. Seems your bank went under. (shot of bank sinking in flood) And from the looks of it, so will you in about ten minutes. Oh, that's right, you're not a good swimmer. Better make that five.
Poseidon: I may not be richer than Croesus, but I'm a god. You can't throw money at me and get what you want. (Croesus gives him a check) Whoa! That's a lot of sardines.
Daedalus: My class plan for today was to build this, a flying machine made of cypress reeds and sheep bladders. But the school board feels it's too *edgy*; so instead, we shall spit in the eye of divine inspiration and construct... a birdhouse. (bites fist)
(Daedalus is having his possessions loaded into a boat) Daedalus: Gently, gently. Those crates contain my life's work. Dockworker: (drops a crate) Oops! Oh, well. Daedalus: That's not gently! Be careful. That is one of my greatest inventions, the pulley. Dockworker: What's a pulley? Daedalus: That's a pulley. A system of rotors that give a mechanical advantage in lifting heavy loads with comparative ease. Dockworker: Can we use it on these back-breaking crates? It would really help us out. Daedalus: No, you'll scratch it.
Minotaur: Oh, so I'm a monster now? I couldn't pick my parents, you know.