Have I Got News for You
1990
Paula Yates: (to Ian Hislop) Don't even look at me, you sperm of the devil. Ian Hislop: Sperm of the devil. Even your insults emanate from the genitals.
Paul Merton: Never a frown with Gordon Brown.
(after learning that a series has been tied at an equal number of games for each team) Stephen Fry: Well, why didn't you have an odd number of programmes, you idiot?
(on Tony Blair's appearance on The Simpsons) Martin Clunes: According to The Mirror, the cartoon Blair "comes with sticky out ears and a cheesy grin". Don't knock it, it's a living.
Paul Merton: Am I in one of John Simpson's trips? I'm sitting here with a tub of lard trying to answer questions in German.
Piers Morgan: Who here actually LIKES Ian Hislop? Audience: (loud cheering)
(There is a lot of booing from the audience) Paul Merton: Did you hear that booing? Linda Smith: Yes. Paul Merton: (to William) Did it register with your brain, that booing? William Hague: I was Leader of the Tory party long enough to learn how to ignore booing. Paul Merton: You weren't very popular then? Why do you think that was? William Hague: Just because I tell jokes doesn't mean you should have political opinions.
Piers Morgan: Jam. Ian Hislop: I'm sorry? Piers Morgan: When Eddie Izzard was on last week he kept saying 'jam', and everyone laughed. Ian Hislop: Yes, but people like him.
Gordon Kennedy: Don't take it out on me. (pointing to Ian) I'm not the sperm of the devil, he is.
Robin Cook: Good evening. I'll be hosting tonight's show, unless I have to resign on a point of principle halfway through.
Robin Cook: With Ian Hislop is a man who travels to far flung places and upsets the locals. He should have a go at being Foreign Secretary. P.J.O'Rourke.
Robin Cook: (describing Paul's guest) A doctor responsible for more smears then the Daily Mail - Dr Phil Hammond.
Dr Phil Hammond: Don't you hope for a president with a three-digit I.Q.? P J O'Rourke: We're not a three-digit country.
Robin Cook: (a large amount of explosives have vanished from an army base in Iraq) A spokesman stated, "We want to make sure we get to the bottom of this." Although, given their previous record in this area, I'm not holding my breath.
(after a clip of Robert Kilroy-Silk explaining the rules of Share or Shaft) Robin Cook: Unfortunately, Robert, when you asked your party to share, they decided to shaft.
Robin Cook: I've already been mistaken for Claire Short, I don't want to be mistaken for a Millwall fan.
Robin Cook: I've already been mistaken on this show for a satanist. I don't want to be mistaken for a Milwall fan.
Sean Lock: Only 2% of people go to church in this country Paul Merton: And they're priests!
Des Lynam: Archer has issued a strenuious denial - as good as a signed confession, really!
Ian Hislop: I should go on Mastermind, answering questions on the life and times of Jeffery Archer. I'd get more questions right than he would!
Des Lynam: Do you know how the police refer to victims of crime? Ian Hislop: Customers? Des Lynam: Yes! Ian Hislop: What does that make criminals - clients?
Paul Merton: I can see you as Zorro! Ian Hislop: Zorro, the gay blade! Des Lynam: I've never been accused of that - yet!
(Osama bin Larden's brother has released a perfume, described as 'inner peace in a bottle') Des Lynam: Sod the perfume, if you want inner peace, shoot your brother!
Des Lynam: (During a discussion on short-sighted dogs receiving spectacles, or doggles) Getting their vision back could be a bit of a shock - "oh, so *that's* what I've been sniffing all this time!"
Angus: So, Paula, put us right, then. Did you *not* have a breast enlargment operation at the beginning of your relationship with Michael? Woman in Audience: Yes! Paula Yates: All right! So much for sisterhood! Ian Hislop: So much for sisterhood? Paula Yates: (Pointing to part of the audience) That's a women just said yes! Ian Hislop: Is that what you said to Helena Christiansen? Angus: Woo! Audience: Oooh! Ian Hislop: (Turning towards the Audience) I can't believe it! Paul Merton: Who's Helena Christiansen? Angus: You *can* always resort to physical violence after the show! Paula Yates: (Turning to Paul) I'll tell you later.
Des Lynam: (on Mark Thatcher being implicated in a coup) After Archer was implicated, we thought it couldn't happen to a nicer person. How wrong we were!
Boris Johnson: Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. My name is Boris Johnson, and when I first appeared as a guest on this show, I complained that the whole thing was scripted, and rehearsed. I'd now like to complain in the strongest possible terms, that it isn't.
Boris Johnson: On Paul's team is a presenter whose new Channel 5 show is called "God Almighty", which, coincidentally, is what most people said when they heard I was to present this show.
Martin Clunes: Could you just shut your face. For just five minutes? Ruby Wax: Don't you ever interrupt me again.
William Hague: My name is William Hague, and in taking on this job, I'll be laying myself open to a barrage of disrespectful remarks and critical sniping from all sides, designed to undermine my position. Nothing new in that, really.
Bruce Forsyth: (after introducing Ian's guest) Oh, It's father and son. Ian Hislop: That would be appropriate, with Grandfather in the chair.
Ian Hislop: I promise I'll be quiet. Charles Kennedy: That's quite alright. I never buy your lousy publication anyway.
(the teams watch a clip of John Kerry attending a church service during the election) Ian Hislop: Reading the Bible, checking to find something he's missed.
Mark Steel: (on Bush and Rumsfeld) They're like an old couple with some holiday brochures. "Where shall we invade next? Cuba looks nice."
Jane Leeves: The BBC sent 188 journalists to cover the U.S. Elections. I can't believe the BBC would spend money to fly a person across the Atlantic for a television programme.
Jane Leeves: A second tongue makes a man more attractive. I can see how that might work.
(a Royal Navy Technician has been given permission to become a Satanist) Robin Cook: His mother said 'He doesn't have an evil bone in his body.' No, he has them in a bloody biscuit tin under his bunk.
Robin Cook: (during a discussion about the Battle of Balaclava) We *did* have the French on our side then. P.J. O'Rourke: We had them on our side in World War II, and a fat lot of good it did us.
Robin Cook: (on guest publication "The Tightwad Gazette") It costs Ł1.50, or you could get somebody to photocopy it for you.
Robin Cook: (on Tommy Cooper) Tommy used to pour gin on his breakfast cereal. Yes, he was a fan of Gordon's, but, then, aren't we all.
Guest Host: Yes, Queen Elizabeth I was bald and had wooden teeth and yet somehow managed to remain a virgin.
Paul Merton: (while Anne Robinson is guest-hosting) (yells out at random points) Bank!
(guest host Nicholas Parsons has repeatedly fluffed his lines throughout the show) Julia Hartley-Brewer: This is a bit like spending the evening with a decrepit old grandad. Nicholas Parsons: Julia, I can take you upstairs and show you that there's nothing decrepit about me. (roars of approval from the audience) Paul Merton: But you'd have to take the lift, wouldn't you?
Paul Merton: (Missing Headline Round - in response to "John Prescott loses _______ by being locked in a lavatory") John Prescott loses a "try not to get locked in a lavatory competition".
Angus Deayton: Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the millennium, although as there's a compilation show next week, it's not strictly speaking the last one, but then again strictly speaking it's not the end of the millennium either. Still, who's counting, or indeed watching by now.
(former MI5 officer David Shayler is on the show) Angus Deayton: Incidentally, I should point out if at any time one of David's answers is found to be in breach of the Official Secrets Act, then sadly I will be in breach of it too for having asked the question, and apparently you will too for having listened to it. So, er, see you in Strangeways.
Angus Deayton: Revisionist historians now claim that far from being mad, Joan of Arc may have been a victim of food poisoning. Makes sense, I can't tell you the number of times I've eaten a few dodgy prawns and ended up commanding the French army.
Paul Merton: This is, somebody was planning to make - and have, I think, made - a jacket, a hundred hamsters have gone into this jacket, and animal rights protesters have said this is terrible, and Gieves & Hawkes (pronounced "Geeves") I believe are the names of the tailors, Savile Row tailors. David Steel: "Gieves" (pron. "Jeeves") , I think you'll find. Paul Merton: "Gieves"? Is it Gieves? David Steel: Could be. Sounds more likely, doesn't it? Paul Merton: Does it? How's it spelled? Angus Deayton: G-E-I. (sic) Paul Merton: Ah, that's the thing that threw me you see, I was following the letters. Angus Deayton: So Gieves & Hawkes, yes, that's right. And what have they been. Paul Merton: So "Gieves", how do you spell "Gieves"? G-I-E-V-E-S? Angus Deayton: Yeah. Paul Merton: Was there a special day at school where they wrote all these names on a blackboard, because I must have been off sick. So the tailors, they've made a "gacket"...
Ian Hislop: That's the most useful thing anyone's ever suggested to me you do with a hamster. I've got no sympathy with hamsters, they just sit in cages. We've had loads of them, they sit there and then they just die on you and upset everyone. At least this way they get made into a coat. I'm for it! Paul Merton: That's not the hamsters' fault, the fact that they sit in the cage, people put them in there. It's like saying "Rudolf Hess, all he does is sit around in prison all day!"
(referring to David Steel's record) Angus Deayton: You must be very thankful that we haven't played that. David Steel: Very. Angus Deayton: But rather irritated that we're about to.
(at the end of the quiz) Paul Merton: So Ian wins based on questions about his magazine and people he's met on the train!
(on a question about Pokémon) Ian Hislop: This is the probably worst and worst-drawn film and craze in history, of badly-conceived little monsters that fight each other, and children trade cards and have a fantastic knowledge of a hundred and fifty monsters. They can't remember five countries and their capital cities, but just about every child in the country can tell you that Charmeleon evolves into Charmander and then turns into Machop and then kills someone or other, it's absolute garbage. (flippantly) I've got an idea for these medieval history cards that I think are going to be a big hit in the playground. Angus Deayton: You're pretty angry about this, aren't you? Ian Hislop: I'm very, very bored. I've seen the Pokémon movie, which is probably the worst movie ever made on any subject ever. Paul Merton: You haven't seen "Kevin & Perry Go Large", then?
Angus Deayton: Yes, this is the Pokémon phenomenon that has swept the UK. One school in Berkshire has banned Pokémon after instances of bullying to obtain the rarer cards. The bullying has finally stopped however, now that Mr Hunt the geography teacher has the complete set.
Paul Merton: I think the quiz element of this show is overrated.
(answering a question about dogs) Michael Brown: There was something the other day about a dog, I mean I think Paul's probably right... Paul Merton: Well, we can't compete with this level of research!
(discussing Christine Hamilton's chat show) Angus Deayton: It's actually Christine who sings the theme tune herself. Paul Merton: Oh, my God, she doesn't, does she? The poor deluded cow.
Angela Rippon: Actually, before we go any further, can I just check something? Angus Deayton: All right... Angela Rippon: (to Ian) Excuse me. (Angela gets up, goes over to Angus, sniffs around his collar, then goes back to her seat) Angela Rippon: Thank you. Angus Deayton: Are you going to explain to everyone what happened there? Angela Rippon: Yes, I read somewhere that one of the critics always thought that you looked particularly well-deodorised on this programme, and I was just checking. Angus Deayton: And what's the verdict? Angela Rippon: (makes hand gesture indicating "average") Eh. Paul Merton: One of the critics said the other day I don't wear any underpants.
Sheila Hancock: (to Angus) Go on then, Andrew... "Andrew"? Paul Merton: Andrew's a nice name. Andrew. Call him Andrew. Sheila Hancock: I am getting very, very old. What's your name? Angus? Angus Deayton: It was Angus, yes, when I last looked. Sheila Hancock: All right. Paul Merton: But Andrew's nice. Angus Deayton: As this is a topical news quiz I feel as if I ought to bring the subject to the Longbridge plant... Ian Hislop: Yes, yes. Paul Merton: Whatever you think, Andrew. Angus Deayton: I can see this one's gonna stick. So what's BMW's name for Rover? Paul Merton: "Andrew".
(playing "Universally Challenged", a parody of "University Challenge") Angus Deayton: The word spelled wrong was "vocabulary" in fact, so for an extra point how do you spell it? Sheila Hancock: (presses buzzer) Vocabulary... V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y. Angus Deayton: No, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world... Paul Merton: I-T! Sheila Hancock: Oh, I-T! Oh, please! That is pathetic! Paul Merton: Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag here along here... Sheila Hancock: Absolutely! I agree, Paul! Ian Hislop: (to Angus) You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!
Angus Deayton: Good evening and welcome to the programme attacked this week by one viewer who wrote to complain about random way the points are allocated, on the grounds that "the level of money wagered on the outcome of this show increases week on week". So our apologies to Mr Joseph Wall of Newark, and one point to Ian.
Angus Deayton: And did you chat with the Queen Mother? Paul Merton: We talked about you. Angus Deayton: No, you didn't. Paul Merton: Yes, we did. Angus Deayton: What did she say about me? Paul Merton: I've never heard such language in all my life.
Angus Deayton: There's nowhere in the world that has a privatised air traffic control system. And you can see why. Clive Anderson: Well, nowhere else has got the House of Lords. Paul Merton: Or Trafalgar Square. Angus Deayton: No. Paul Merton: Or you. Angus Deayton: No, good point, Paul. Paul Merton: Thank you, Andrew.
Angus Deayton: Do I sense that this is another week you haven't been reading the papers? Paul Merton: Absolutely. It's a great burden off my shoulders. Angus Deayton: Evidently. And onto ours, by the sounds of it. Paul Merton: What does that mean? Ian Hislop: It means the burden passes from yours to his because he has to fill you in on the story, it's not too difficult.
(describing a hospital) Paul Merton: Big white building, full of sick people. Clive Anderson: No, that's here.
Angus Deayton: Michael Winner also admitted, "I actually find it slightly funny when a celebrity dies - which I shouldn't". Don't worry, Michael, we'll all piss ourselves when you die.
(Paul quotes "Macbeth") Paul Merton: Glamis thou art, and Cawdor; and thou shalt be what thou art promised: yet do I fear thy nature; it is too full o' the milk of human kindness to catch the nearest way: thou wouldst be great; art not without ambition, but without the illness should attend it. ("Macbeth", Act 1 Scene V)
Angus Deayton: What was right up Napoleon's street? Paul Merton: Napoleon's house!
Dr Phil Hammond: (to Angus) We need a mole update, because last time I was on I mentioned your mole had got slightly bigger and darker. We had a letter from a practice nurse who said that a patient had watched the programme, noticed that his mole had got bigger, and gone to the doctor and was found to have a melanoma which was removed, so your mole has saved somebody's life.
Himself - Guest Presenter: Do you think that Donald Rumsfield looks like the villain from Scooby-Doo? Paul Merton: Oh, what? The one who's running the old fairground? Himself - Guest Presenter: Yes. Paul Merton: Um... yes, I think he looks exactly like that.
Paul Merton: (talking about the James Bond film "Die Another Day") What would be the point in having an invisible car? All you're doing is chasing someone who's doing 80 miles an hour in a seated position. Germaine Greer: No, you're invisible as well once you're in it. The car reflects the light in such a way that you cannot see it. Paul Merton: How d'you fill it with petrol then? 'Cause you'd drive into the forecourt of a petrol station, get out, everyone jumps and says "Where's that bloke come from?" Then the poor sod's gotta find the petrol cap! Germaine Greer: Yes, but you can turn it off. Paul Merton: Oh, I see. Germaine Greer: So then all of sudden, a car materialises in the forecourt. Paul Merton: I'm actually sitting in an invisible car at the moment.
Martin Clunes: (a woman has produced a formula for correctly parking a car) Or you could just let the old man park it, love.
Angus: (mishears something Paul says) Half an hour on a giraffe? Paul Merton: No, not right now I've got to do this. (pause) I wouldn't mind half an hour on a giraffe though. Very sexy animals, giraffes Angus: You don't need to tell me. Paul Merton: Yeah, they can see when the police are coming so when they get there you can say, "No, it's nothing." I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You'd always get some bloke complaining that he couldn't see the screen. "It's a giraffe, mate. What d'you expect?". "Well he can take his hat off for a start!"