Harper

1966

Lew Archer: The bottom is loaded with nice people, Albert. Only cream and bastards rise.

Lew Harper: You've got a way of starting conversations that ends conversations.

Miranda Sampson: What do you do this kind of crummy work for, anyway? Lew Harper: What, are you trying to be funny? I do it because I believe in the United Nations and Southeast Asia, and - you think it's funny if your life depends on what goes through the Panama Canal? What about the English pound? I'll tell you something - as long as there's a Siberia, you'll find Lew Harper on the job. Miranda Sampson: Are you putting me on? Lew Harper: Jeez, I don't think so.

Harper: I used to be a sheriff until I passed my literacy test.

Harper: Keep the change Bartender: There is no change. Harper: (pause) Keep it anyway.

Lew Harper: (placing a crank call to his wife, imitating English accent into phone) Mrs Harper? Mrs Lewis Harper? Susan Harper: (puzzled and sleepy) Yes... Lew Harper: Oh thank heavens! You see, we've just picked your name from this enormous drum full of names... Only you had to be there to win... and you are, so you have! Susan Harper: Win? Lew Harper: (flustered, thinking) ... Six... one-hour frug lessons, absolutely free. Yes. I'm Austin Schwartz-Marmaduke, of the Schwartz-Marmaduke Institue for Ballroom Education. You must've heard of us, we're just off Wilshire near the Frug Foundation... Susan Harper: I don't want any frug lessons. Lew Harper: Of course you do, dear lady. Why just think how t'riffic you'll feel next time you and your husband try frugging... (starts to break up, chuckling at his own humor) how endlessly feminine you'll feel... (starts to really break up) Susan Harper: (she has recognized Harper's voice and is paying him back now) My husband is dead! Lew Harper: (not sure where this is going) Well, that's too bad, as a matter of fact... Susan Harper: (gaining the upper hand in this joke) No... as a matter of fact, you're wrong. His death did nothing but serve the cause of mankind. He was a fool, a sadist, a functioning pathological pervert... He was grotesque in all ways. Can a soul be atrocious? (Harper has lost control and covers the phone, chuckling) His was. He was a degenerate's degenerate. You won't believe this, Mr "Marmaduke", but he used to call me on the phone sometimes, pretending to be other people. He actually thought it was funny!

(Harper has slung some lines at the bartender, pretending to be a bookie from Vegas) Bartender: Y'know, I would've guessed you were from Vegas. Lew Harper: No kiddin'... you can tell, you can really tell. You must be "physic!" Bartender: "Psychic," you mean.

Allan Taggert, Sampson's Pilot: Hey, this detective work is really fun!

Puddler: Kill the body and the head dies.

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