Haggard: The Movie
2003
Officer: I gotta take you in. Valo: Aww, for the love of fucks sake, you CAN'T take him in. Officer: I gotta make an arrest here; I had a complaint... Valo: Whwhwhwh, wait, I got this sports watch, you can have it, here.
Glauren: What I need right now is heavy metal music, hard drinkin, mayhem, shit you can't offer me right now, okay Ryan? Ryan Dunn: Who are you? You don't even like fast music - you don't even drink. Glauren: (indignant) Yeah. Before I met Hellboy. You know what your problem is? You always want shit to stay the same, okay? I need to get out there. I wanna play the field - of dicks. (beat) Ryan Dunn: Eww.
Falcone: These... are girlfriend's... underwears.
Officer: Hellboy? Ryan Dunn: Picture a guy named Hellboy... and that's what he looks like.
Hellyboy: What the fuck is that? Do I have a camera?
Ryan Dunn: That's a nice tattoo you got there. What does that mean? Girl at Coffee Shop: It means desire. Ryan Dunn: Desire huh? What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean you're into dudes with fuckin' long hair, smell like beer, have shitty tattoos; maybe they hang out at the bowling alley! Maybe, just maybe you'll go out back and rub their sick crotch; he'll stick his hands down your pants. Meanwhile, your boyfriend's sittin' at home jerkin off to fuckin' gay porn.
Glauren: Hellboy fucking fingered me.
(Glauren and Hellboy are having sex; Valo and Falcone are eavesdropping) Glauren: Teenagers were meant to fuck. Valo: Did she just say "teenagers were meant to fuck"?
Don Vito: No, what are you doin'? Those grapes ain't for you.
(while filming a home movie using a model train set and action figures) Falcone: What are you guys doing, humping on the caboose?
(Talking about Hellboy's tattoo) Glauren: Actually, it's rhino. Ya' know, because I'm a Leo and... (In a sarcastic voice) Ryan Dunn: Yeah, rhino, real cool.
Valo: Some girl stabbed Ryan in the eye, now he's gotta rock a pirate-patch for at least a month.
Falcone: So how's school going, Raab? Raab: Ohh, wow, not so good. I lost my schedule at the beginning of the semester, and couldn't find where my classes for like a month and a half. And I'm getting three D's and an F, but I mean, it's not that bad considering I passed.
Valo: Don't touch me, or I'll seriously kill your face, it's so hardcore.
Valo: Tell him how Hellboy's in for it. Falcone: You know Hellboy? He's in for it.
(after showing Ryan the tape of Hellboy and Glauren having sex) Ryan: I'm gonna rip Hellboy a new asshole. Valo: No, I think Hellboy ripped Glauren a new asshole.
Dooly: Bro, why weren't you at the rager last night? Valo: What rager? Maybe 'cause you didn't call me up and invite me. Dooly: Watch your mouth, sweetheart.
Valo: Yo, what was it like though, bein' in jail for the first time? Was it good? Ryan: Just drop it. Valo: Did you meet any new friends? Ryan: Just drop it, alright?
Valo: Let me guess: some sort of experiment? Falcone: Spearmint? I'd rather Wintergreen. What are you talkin' about? Valo: The TV. It's sideways. Falcone: Why wouldn't it be sideways? I have to watch it with my neck straight, so I'm comfortable. Otherwise I'd have a taco neck, ya know? Valo: Did you take acid? Falcone: ... yea.
Falcone: I will tell you everything, I'll let you know. You'll be so much smarter. Girls are like... a lake, you know? Like, you can jump right in, get in there, and then you're all used to it and everything's great. But come winter time (snaps fingers) that shit's fuckin' frozen. Then you're fucked. That's why I know the difference: I always pull out of it. Valo: What are you talking about? This food is making you crazy.
Valo: What the fuck is wrong with all my friends?
Falcone: Later on do you wanna go to to the bakery? I can almost taste it with my nose. Ever feel that way?
Falcone: I like chocolate, I like fudge, if I can't make any, I won't budge.
Don Vito: (to Ryan, through restaurant window) What're you *doin'* in there? I've been looking all over for you to... feed me some grapes!
Ryan Dunn: (after Glauren apologizes) Get lost. (she turns around and smacks Valo)
Ryan Dunn: You dumped me for a guy named HELLBOY?
Valo: You paint your face fluorescent yellow and you want a sip of my booze? Fuck off!