Guest House Paradiso
1999
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Chef's hurt himself. Richard Twat: How bad? Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Indescribably. He hit is head on this frying pan seventeen times.
Mrs Hardy: He's a black belt in karate, you know. Richard Twat: More like a pink belt in hanging about gentlemen's lavatories on Hamstead Heath.
Mrs Hardy: (ordering breaksfast) Where do your eggs come from? Richard Twat: Ermm... Hens vaginas?.
Richard Twat: Will you stop making those owl noises? Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Sorry Richard Twat: Now come on (Rich slips and lands with his eye in the candle) Richard Twat: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH (Lights go out then Eddy lights another candle) Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Rich are you alright? Richard Twat: Candle in the eye. Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: What? Richard Twat: Candle in the eye (rich points to his eye) Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Oh righto (Eddy shoves the candle in Richies unburnt eye) Richard Twat: AAAARRRGGGGGHHH
Richard Twat: I trust you've slept well? Mr Johnson: Actually, we had a bit of a rough night. Richard Twat: Ah, the perils of adultery.
Richard Twat: Ahh... Good morning, Mrs Foxfur. Mrs Foxfur: Morning, Twat.
Richard Twat: Ah! Good evening, Miss Carbonara. Gina Carbonara: Good evening, Mr Twat. Richard Twat: Oh! Ahem, it's cunt!
Mr Johnson: I merely brushed your arm! Richard Twat: Well, we have already established that you're a liar, Mr Jones. Mr Johnson: Look, Mr Twat. Richard Twat: It's pronounced "Thwaite"! Mr Johnson: Well, It's spelled twat. (pointing at Richie's name on the desk) T-W-A-T Twat! Richard Twat: Could you keep your voice down please? We do have normal guests, as well.
Richard Twat: (opens the till and finds it empty) What are the advance bookings, like? Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Ah, not too good. Richard Twat: (shuts the till) Ooooooooh, God! Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Come on, Richie, it's not that bad. Richard Twat: Yes, it is, I just trapped the tip of my penis in the till drawer! Mrs Foxfur: (Eddie open the till) Oh, Mr Twat! Richard Twat: It's Thwaite, (whispers) I thought you said the guests have gone. Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: I thought she was dead.
Richard Twat: I trust you two both washed. Mr Johnson: Actually, the water was cold. Richard Twat: That's no reason not to wash, is it? Good grief, we are British, you know. We invented cold showers to stop people masturbating. Oh, I see, maybe that's why you are so upset about the lack of hot water.
Eddie Elizabeth Ndingombaba: Pheeb. One boiled egg.