Grim & Evil
2001
Billy's Dad: Son, it's awfully hard to read the paper through your butt.
(Grim jumped into the body of a cat) Grim: (sings) Look at me, I am a kitty cat/I wear a bowl of peanuts for a hat/If I eat them all then I'll get fat/La la la la la I am a kitty cat!
(Billy and Grim walk to Mandy's house) Grim: I hate you, I hate playing with you, and I especially hate your little girlfriend! Billy: Cheer up, Gri... hey! Mandy's not my girlfriend! She's just my FRIEND, who HAPPENS to be a girl, just like I HAPPEN to be a boy, and you HAPPEN to be a skeleton! It's the differences that make our planet so rich! So diverse! And wonderful! (Rainbows in background) Grim: I still hate you, though.
Grim: Man's lonliness is only his fear of life.
(Grim, Billy, and Mandy are at the mall) Grim: Oh, poo! Mandy: What now Grim? Grim: It's just that when you said we were going to a "mall," I thought we were going to see people getting teared limb from limb by a ferocious beast. Not this!
Eris: You're watching paint dry? Billy: Shhhh... this is the best part!
Grim: (to a "person scout" about selling cookies) You've got to know how to close a deal, small-fry. The Reaper always knows how to close a deal. We bad.
Grim: My name is Grimmy and I've come to reap your immortal soul.
Mandy: Love is for the weak-minded.
Grim: (Nergal opens a carnival at Billy and Mandy's neighborhood) You are unpleasant to be around... Nergal: Oh, come on, what I did to you? Nergal: (Grim and Mandy express hostile faces) He he he... That means excluding the kidnapping and the shocks?
Mandy: (on show intro) Sometimes you drink the milk, sometimes the milk DRINK you.
Mandy: (on show intro) Evolution takes no prisoners.
Billy: I'm making picnic fixings! Grim: Oh no no no no no no no no. No. You remember what happened last time when you went on a picnic? (Flashback to Billy, Grim and Mandy at a picnic in the park) Billy: Please pass the egg salad. Gorilla: (pops out of the bushes) Raggle fraggle! (grabs Billy and runs away) Billy: Ahhhh! Somebody help me! (Grim and Mandy go back to eating, flashback ends) Yeah, that was pretty special. Wanna see my emotional scars? Mandy: (Comes into the room) What happened here? Did the refrigerator throw up? Grim: Billy here wants to go on another picnic. Mandy: Ugh. You remember what happened last time you went on a picnic? (Shows the flashback of Billy, Grim and Mandy having a picnic again) Billy: Please pass the egg salad. Gorilla: (pops out of bushes) Raggle fraggle! (Grabs Billy and runs off with him) Billy: Ahhhh! Somebody help me! (Flashback ends) Billy's Mom: (comes into the room) Are you kids flashing back in here? Grim: Yah. Billy wants to go on a picnic. Billy's Mom: Oh, no, sweetie! No! You remember what happened last time, don't you? (Goes to the flashback again) Billy: Please pass the egg salad. Gorilla: (pops out of the bushes) Raggle fraggle! (Runs off with Billy) Billy: Ahhhh! Somebody help me! (Flashback ends) Billy's Dad: (Comes into the room) What's going on in here? Billy's Mom: Talk some sense into your son! He wants to go on a picnic! Billy's Dad: A picnic? Don't you remember what happened last time? You remember, right? (Goes to flashback again, only this time, it shows Billy's dad putting on a gorilla suit behind some bushes) Billy: (off screen) Please pass the egg salad. Billy's Dad: (Leaps out of the bushes) Raggle fraggle! (is heard running off with Billy) Billy: Ahhhh! Somebody help me! (Flashback ends) Billy's Dad: Yup. I say we let the boy go!
Billy: Why do you have to hate each other? Can't you see you're just like peas and mashed potatoes? Some people don't like them to touch each other and they're on the same plate! But it's okay! It's okay if they touch because they both get chewed up by the mouth, and sent down the esophagus and dissolved into the stomach and absorbed into the intestines and we won't go any further than that. But the point is, we're all just nutrients in the great big digestive system called LIFE!
Creepy Neighbor: It made horrible mistake number one... it... bought... the house!
Creepy Neighbor: It was not always like this... broken... hearted... wretched - is that pepperoni?
Random Bird: Alas poor Billy had to walk the superflous streets of suberbia. A doomed husk of a child. Do not cry for him... DO NOT CRYYYY!
Random Bird: And thus our story ends. If you've been paying attention it's because you're a nerd with nothing better to do. And what of Billy you ask? Well, he got himself a new unicycle... Billy: I'll call you... UNI! Random Bird: And what of everybody else? Who cares? They bore the snot out of me. THEEEE ENNND!
Jack O'Lantern: Do you KNOW who I am? Billy: ... No. Trick or treat!
Billy: Hey, guys! Guess who's going camping! (Camera pans out to reveal Billy tied to the roof of his car) MEEEE!
Grim: I wonder where Billy is. Billy: (flies by really fast though the air) Hi Grim! Hi Mandy! Grim: Well, that answers one question but arouses several others.
Irwin's dad: Yes, Irwin's mom is actually a mummy. Nobody can tell you who to fall in love with. But we've managed to make it work all these years leaving a whole lot of questions that don't need to be answered. Billy: Yeah, but how and you and Irwin's mom... ? Irwin's dad: Leaving a whole lot of questions that don't need to be answered.
Billy's Dad: Billy, I've never told you this and I probably never will again... but I love you, son.
Billy's Mom: Oh sorry, Billy. We weren't laughing AT you, we were laughing WITH you. Billy's Dad: I was laughing AT you.
Billy: Why, Grim? Why do the good die young? Grim: Well, usually because I get confused.
Jack O'Lantern: Three hundred and sixty-four days a year. I can't even go to the ding-dong grocery store to buy pudding. And do you know why? Billy: Ooh, ooh, is it because you're a pumpkin-headed freak? Jack O'Lantern: Yes! And why is that? Billy: Is it 'cause Grim cut your real head off? Jack O'Lantern: Yes. And tonight, I'm going to return the favor. Billy: You're going to cut Grim's head off? Don't be an idiot. Grim's head is removable; observe. (removes Grim's head) Jack O'Lantern: Ah, but any head cut off with the Grim Reaper's scythe stays off... forever! Billy: That's a different story. Sorry, Grim ol' boy, tough break. (Walks away) Well, we sure had some good times together, eh, Grim? (Guffaws) Grim: You're just going to leave me here? Jack O'Lantern: Now, now, that's no way to get *a head*! Grim: That's not funny. Jack O'Lantern: (Snaps fingers, commanding tree ghoul to restrain Grim) Come on, now, where's your sense of humor? (Laughs deviously and whistles casually while placing a basket where Grim's head will drop after decapitation) Grim: Oh, poop. (Billy whistles casually and realizes the whole decapitation issue) Billy: (Runs off, panicked) Grim's in trouble! Help, police!
Master Control: (monitor activates) I am Master Control, computer of the future. Billy: Aaahh! (jumps on Grim's arms) Grim: That'd better be sweat dripping down your leg, boy. Master Control: I am programmed to run all of the machines at this attraction. My intelligence is beyond measure, I know everything there is to know, and I'm not too shabby at checkers. Grim: Wait, how can you know *everything*? Master Control: I just do, so there. Grim: If you know everything, then what's the meaning of life? Master Control: Life has no meaning, only machine intelligence is truly important on a cosmic scale. Grim: Hmm, I didn't think he'd get that one right. Billy: Oh, yeah? Then what's my favorite color? Master Control: Blue. Billy: What's the best kind of bean? Master Control: Pinto. Billy: Why is the sky blue? Master Control: Because of the refraction of sunlight through the water droplets in the sky. Billy: Why do I ask so many questions? Master Control: Because you're stupid! Billy: What's the color of my underwear? Master Control: White... (raises an eyebrow) ... with pink frilly lace. Billy: (checks in his pants) Wow. It really does know everything.
Grim: Milkshakes, where are you going? milkshakes: (being controlled by the dinobanoids) To destroy all that is good. I mean, meow.
Billy: (about the eye doctor) He's going to steal my soul! Grim: Well, if he doesn't, I get second dibs.
(Billy and Mandy have been discussing Billy's fear of clowns, which Mandy has called "pointless") Billy: Mandy, you have to believe me! The clowns want to take over and become the dominant species! They will (shouts at the top of his lungs) Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Destroy us all! Billy: (sitting at his desk in class with his fellow students) (shouting) Destroy us all! Billy: (at the chalkboard, attempting to solve a math problem) (shouting) Destroy us all! Billy: (at his locker in the hallway) (shouting) Destroy us all! Billy: (In Biology class, dissecting a frog) (shouting) Destroy us all! Billy: (on the swingset at recess) (shouting) Destroy us all! Billy: (in the lunch line) (calmly to the lunch lady) I'll have the chicken Billy: (sitting at the lunch table with Mandy and Irwin) (shouting) Destroy us all! Billy: (doing sit-ups with the other kids in gym class) (shouting) Destroy us all! Billy: (in the Boy's bathroom, we see Billy's feet underneath a closed stall) (shouting) Destroy us all! Billy: (getting off the bus with Mandy) (shouting) Destroy us all! (he walks home off screen, still shouting) Mandy: (annoyed) That's it! (pours Grim, piece by piece, out of her backpack)
Mandy: I'm gonna open up my own personal can of Powerpuff on you two.
Grim: Billy, de apple wouldn't pick you if you were a booger.
Grim: Why does the fate of humanity always end up in the hands of an idiot?
Grim: (to Snake Club nerds) You disgust me. You're all old enough to wear some deodorant. I've been trying not to vomit in my own mouth all day.
Billy: (meeting the grim reaper) It's Santa! Santa Clause! Mandy: That's not Santa Clause, you stooge! That's the Grim Reaper... Billy: (pause) ... Do I still get presents? Grim: Um... No... Actually, I'm here for the Hamster Billy: Ooooh! You brought presents for Mr Snuggles? Grim: No... I'm Taking him Away. Billy: To the North Pole?
Grim: (about taking Billy's hamster to the underworld) Look, I'm just doing my job... but I'm afraid it's curtains for Mr Snuggles... Billy: You got a curtain?
Billy: (upon discovering a microscopic Evil Empire) It's minitesamil evil!
Grim: Give me that apple. Don't force me to use my kung fu.
Grim: One little, two little, three headless teddy bears. Four little, five little, six headless teddy bears. Seven little, eight little, nine headless teddy bears. Half a million to go.
Billy: ... But I'm looking for my Captain Fathead... Mandy: Your dad's in the garage.
Hoss Delgado: Give it to us straight, Goodburger. Is our little Reamus on the bullet train to Smartsville, or is he riding the slow pony to the rubber forest?
Hector Con Carne: I'm not even on this stupid show any more!
Grim: (a small monster has latched onto Billy's head) I tink it's tryin' to suck his brains out, mon! Mandy: Poor thing's gonna starve.
Librarian: (Mandy is being rude) I will not stand for this! Mandy: (points) There's a chair right over there.
Eris: Who wants punch? Oh, I do! (grabs the punch bowl and stick her face in it) Eris: Open the pod bay doors, Hal!
Eris: Care for some trout? (hits Principal Goodvibes with a trout) Principal Goodvibes: Um... why did you hit me in the face with a trout? Eris: Because the mackerel wasn't fresh.
(regarding Eris, who is kissing Hoss Delgado) Grim: I can't believe I used to have a crush on her, back when she was in that "Valley Girl" phase. Mandy: I think we'd all like to forget that phase.
Billy: I'm a poet, and I didn't even know that I had the ability that I might be!
Grim: (glances at Rudolpho) So, what are you... in for? Rudolpho: I beat the snot out of a guy... for farting! Grim: (looks down and spots the duck ready to blow a raspberry) (desperately) Guard! Rudolpho: Just the sound of it makes me so angry! Grim: (more desperately) Guard! Rudolpho: Angry! Grim: (as desperate as possible) Guard! Guard: (finally arrives) All right, Reaper, your bail is here. Irwin: I came here as soon as I got the call, yo. Grim: (relieved sigh) I knew I could count on you, Irwin. Irwin: (hands a piggy bank to the guard) Here you are, Officer. Guard: Gee, thanks. (throws the piggy bank across the room, breaking it) How much was in that piggy bank? Irwin: Four dollars and thirty-two cents. Guard: So, you like to be a jokester, do ya, Mr Funny Guy? Mr Comedian, eh? Irwin: I don't understand. Guard: Well, the bail is thirty-five hundred dollars! Irwin: (sobbing) I was only trying to be helpful! Guard: Now get out of my jail, out! Irwin: (runs out, sobbing) Sorry, Grim! Guard: Yeah, yeah, you'd better run! (calmly) I'd like to think I'd make a difference. Irwin: That was wiggety-whack, yo. (finds the duck) Hey, a duck!
Mandy: (on show intro) This statement is false!
Mandy: (on show intro) I missed you... (pulls out a laser cannon) ... but my aim is improving.
Billy: Irwin! I saw something horrible in the bathroom, ooh, then I saw a mummy!
Billy: (as the nasalmancer digs through Billy's nose) Hey, now, get yo fo' shizzle out of my nizzle, Dawg!
Nasalmancer: (after the noses collided) (gasp) You blew my nose... up! Billy: You blew my nose... up!
Mandy: (in show intro) It's you and me against the world. (dons an army helmet) We attack at dawn.