Green Acres
1965
Sam Drucker: How 'bout a dehydrated chicken? Oliver Douglas: A dehydrated chicken? Sam Drucker: Yeah. Just add water and bones, and let it sit for a couple hours, and you might have your own reconstituted chicken. Oliver Douglas: That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
Sam Drucker: Call the sheriff. Hank Kimball: OK. Sheriff. Sam Drucker: No. On the phone.
Oliver Wendell Douglass: Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The American farmer didn't get where he is today by celebrating Christmas with phony trees and wax popcorn, plastic candy canes. Gentlemen, to the American farmer Christmas is real. He goes out with ax in hand, chops down his own tree, brings it back, garlands it with strings of popcorn from his own corn crib, makes cider from his own apple trees. And when Christmas carols ring out in the still of the night, he looks up to the sky and says, 'I'm proud to be an American farmer on Christmas.'
Doris Ziffel: Mrs Douglas came over here this afternoon and wanted to know how to make a fruitcake. And it's been so long since I made one, I had to look up the recipe. Fred Ziffel: Is she gonna make a fruitcake for Mr Douglas? Doris Ziffel: She sure is. Fred Ziffel: Doris, that could make you an accessory to manslaughter.
(Oliver Wendell Douglas's old tractor has just broken down again) Oliver Wendell Douglass: There's something wrong with the carburetor. Ed Dawson: Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it!
Mr Kimball: Tomatoes are the dumbest of all plants. Did you know their IQ is hardly above what a 6-year old child's is?
Lisa Douglas: Why do you want to irritate your corn? Oliver Douglas: Irrigate. It means put water on it. Lisa Douglas: Won't that irritate it?
Eb Dawson: Morning! Breakfast ready? Lisa Douglas: Yes. Eb Dawson: Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with. Lisa Douglas: We're not having any hotscakes this morning. Oliver Douglas: No hotcakes? Lisa Douglas: I've made something different. Oliver Douglas: Hey, wonderful! Eb Dawson: Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it. Oliver Douglas: Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes. Lisa Douglas: Here we are. (Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet) Oliver Douglas: It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps. Lisa Douglas: That's the last time I cook you a Spanish omelette.
(the Douglases are looking for clothes to donate to a rummage sale) Oliver Douglas: Why don't we give away this one? Lisa Douglas: No that's the dress I graduated from high school in. Oliver Douglas: How about this one? Lisa Douglas: That's the dress I wore the first day of college. Oliver Douglas: (holding a black, low-cut dress) What about this one? Lisa Douglas: That's the one I got expelled in.
Lisa Douglas: Are you happy with the corns I strung for you? Oliver Douglas: Lisa, you're supposed to take the kernels off the cob and string them. Lisa Douglas: Well, don't blame me, I never did it before. In the old country, we used to string caviar. Oliver Douglas: Caviar? Lisa Douglas: We'd have caviar on one string and crackers on the other... Oliver Douglas: Oh, for... Lisa Douglas: And then we'd play the Hungarian Christmas game called 'Smear the crackers with caviar.'
Ed Dawson: Mr Ziffel, notice where your wife's standing? Under the mistletoe! Fred Ziffel: Why don't you mind your own business?
Oliver Douglas: You mallet head!