Good Burger
1997
Heather: (very fast) Have small space aliens ever landed in your brain and told you to break into the zoo and free the kangaroos? Ed: ... Not that I recall.
Kurt: You make your sauce for Kurt. Ed: Who's Kurt? Kurt: I'm Kurt. Ed: I'm Ed. Kurt: I'm aware! Ed: You said you were Kurt.
Kurt: You mess with Kurt, and you go in the grinder. Dexter: Okay, now this "grinder" of yours. Is it a real grinder or is it just some kind of metaphor?
Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger! Can I take your order?
Kurt's assistant: If you ask me, the guy's a few tacos short of a combination plate.
Customer: (to Ed) Excuse me? Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it. Ed: That's what I gave you. Customer: No! You gave me a bun. Just a bun! Look! There's no meat in here. Ed: But you said you wanted nothing on it. Customer: Yes, but I expected a meat patty! Ed: Dude, a meat patty is something. You said "nothing". (to Fizz) Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing? Fizz: Uh, something? Ed: I win! Customer: That's it! I am reporting your name to the manager! Ed: The manager already knows my name. Customer: (while throwing the bun down) And I'll see you in Hell! (Leaves) Ed: OK! See you there!
Dexter: Check it, Ed, it's the Mondo Idiot! Ed: Oh, nice to meet you, Mondo Idiot, I'm Ed. Kurt: Well, Ed, you better watch your butt man! Ed: Okay. (Tries and ends up spinning around and around) I give up. There's no way a guy can watch his own butt.
(Dexter and Mr Wheat's cars collide) Mr Wheat: My afro! My afro! Dexter: WHY? Mr Wheat: Well, well, Brother Reed. You have messed up my afro.
Ed: What's wrong? Were you bitten by a sheep? Dexter: What? Ed: Did you lose your trousers? (looks down at Dexter's legs) Dexter: No! Look, you are an unusually bad guesser, so I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you why I'm upset. I gotta come up with $1900 to fix some jerk's car, another $800 to fix my mother's car, and I just got fired. Man! I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger... and he yelled at me... and he assaulted me... and he made fun of me... Ed: (after a long pause) Boy... you must really suck!
Dexter: So, Monique, what're you gonna do tonight after you lock up? Monique: I thought I'd go home. Dexter: Home? Why? Monique: Well... that's where my stuff is.
Otis: I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce. Dexter: Shark poison! Ed: Why would they want to harm those innocent sharks?
(dressed as a woman) Dexter: Could you kindly point me in the direction of the little girl's room?
Otis: Can you get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass.
Monique: (eating a corn-dog) Mm, great corn-dog. Ed: I wonder how they get the wienie into the corny exterior? Monique: A question that has plagued mankind for centuries.
Ed: I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. 'Cause we're all dudes.
Dexter: Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Ed: Ever been to Australia? Dexter: No. Ed: Me neither.
Ed: This is where I come to think... I think. Dexter: Funny, I never figured you as much of a thinker.
Heather: Hi! Ed: Hi! Heather: I'm a psychopath. Ed: I'm Ed.
Heather: D'you think I'm cute? Ed: Sure. Heather: What's cute about me? Ed: Uh... your head. Heather: You have a cute head too! Ed: Well, I try to keep it nice.
Ed: You got it! Dexter: Got what? I'm swinging from a dang pipe!
Mr Wheat: I'm worried about you. Dexter: I'm worried about you, too. Have you seen yourself lately? The 'fro, the boots and that jacket. You have a nice summer, Shaft.
Kurt: Can I give you a lift, Ed? Ed: I don't know, I weigh about 150. Kurt: Just get in the car.
Dexter: I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before. Ed: Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse. Dexter: What? What are you talking about? Ed: Okay, I give up. Who am I? Dexter: I don't know *who* you are or *where* I've seen you before or *why* you think you're an attractive nurse.
(Ed dumped Trilampathol into the meat supply, causing Mondo Burger to be destroyed) Ed: I thought that if I took the can, there was a good chance that I'd get caught, but even if I did get the Trilampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some powerful attornies who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger by manipulating the legal system and the way America's court system is congested these days, it would take months to convict him or anything so I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and dump the Trilampathol into the meal supply, making Mondo Burger a victim of its own foul play. Dexter: You thought all that? Ed: Yeah. I'm not stupid.
Dexter: I don't even remember what my dad looks like. Ed: I don't remember what my dad looks like either, but at least I get to see him everyday.
Ed: I know some of these words.
Ed: You wanna see my secret place? Dexter: That's now what I had in mind.
Roxanne: Do you know what would be great on this corn dog? Ed: A turtleneck?
Kurt: From now on, your LIFE is Mondo Burger! You can forget about your friends; you can forget about your family... because Kurt is now both your mother AND your father. Dexter: (under his breath to a girl beside him) Kurt must look awfully strange naked.
Connie Muldoon: (as she gives her long order, her speed of talking increases) Hello. My name is Connie Muldoon. I'm hosting a family reunion and my oven has run amuck; I think it's the heat actuator. Anyhoo, I'd like to order, uh, three Good Meals, four Junior Good Meals, and 17-piece order of your Good Chunks and, okay, on two of the Junior Good Meals, I need to substitute the Good Cookies for Good Pies. Now, don't fret if that's extra; I'll pony up the overage. And, uh, oh! On the regular Good Meals, I need two of the Good Burgers to have ketchup, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, but no onion; I've got an interview this afternoon. Let's see, that takes care of everyone but Uncle Leslie who doesn't eat meat but, of course, he does eat dairy, so I don't get it. Let's get Leslie a Good Chickwich, some Good Fries, and a Good Root Beer all to go. But I would like to have my beverage while I wait. Now, total me up.
Ed: What am I supposed to do? Roxanne: (insulted) Hello? Ed: Hello! What am I supposed to do?
Ed: (driving everyone home from a night out, and trying to entertain his unconscious date) ... Then when I was six, I said my first word. My mom thinks it was "trouser", but I think it was "tweezers". And then, I went to camp and fell down the sand dunes... Dexter: (interrupting) Ed? Ed! She's still unconscious, bro. Ed: Oh.
Shaquille O'Neal: Little man, I ordered tomatoes on this Good Burger, and I don't see no tomatoes! Ed: Well, hang on... (pulls a couple of tomato slices out of his pocket, and slaps them on Shaq's burger) There! Consider yourself tomatoed! Shaquille O'Neal: You're not like other people are you? Ed: Nope.
Dexter: Ed, I don't know how to say this... Ed: Oh, well, you just go, "Thiiiissssssssssss."
Ed: What are you chicken? (pause flapping his arms) Mooooooo.
Roxanne: Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night? Ed: I like to have dinner every night.
Mr Baily: Ed! What are you doing inside the milkshake machine? Ed: Trying to fix it. Mr Baily: Did you turn on the switch?
Angry Customer: Can I get two Good Burgers? Ed: Sorry, dude, I gotta go get 'em. Customers aren't allowed in back. Angry Customer: Just give me two Good Burgers! Ed: Dude, I can't just *give* you two Good Burgers. you hafta pay for 'em. Angry Customer: (shouts) All right, that's it! I've had it up to *here* with Good Burger!
Mr Wheat: (after Dexter hits his car) Let me see your license. Dexter: Uh, yeah, regarding my license... I'd give it to you... but you're gonna have to wait. Mr Wheat: How long? Dexter: Uh... about a year... that's when I get one.
Mr Baily: What was our take today? Fizz: 43 dollars and 9 cents. Mr Baily: That's it? Well, I suppose I could always feed my mother cat food. Dexter: Now probably wouldn't be the best time to ask for a raise? Mr Baily: No!