George of the Jungle
1997
(Translating with a Swahili phrasebook) Lyle: Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning.
Lyle: Sorry, Stonebelly. The better man won, that's all. Or, I should say, the one who brought mercenaries won; *that's* all.
Ape: "All of George's secrets". There's the shortest book ever written.
Max: Let's take care of him. George: Huh? (Max and Thor pick George up and ram head into cage) Ape: Why didn't you come sooner? George: Why Ape have little stars around head? (Max and Thor pull George out, tickles him, and rams head back in) Ape: George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair? George: Uh-huh. Ape: Well, now's a good time to forget it.
George: To swing or not to swing? Swing.
Narrator: And so, onward and upward the tired trekkers trudged on feverished footsies on the perilous paths. When they beheld the mighty Ape Mountain, the reacted with awe. Group: Awwww... Narrator: I said, "Awe." A-W-E. Group: Ooh... Narrator: That's better.
Narrator: Later, in the Men's Department, the jungle king was pleased to find he looked pretty good in Armani. George: Pretty darn good.
Narrator: Meanwhile, at a very expensive waterfall set...
Thor: (discovering George through his telescopic sight) Hey, It's a dude. (to Max his sidekick) I told you there weren't no white ape. You dragged me all the way up here to look at some guy in a leopard skin bikini. If I wanted to see that, I could've stayed in Miami.
Ursula's mother: Arthur, I wish you would do something about all these monkeys. I feel like Jane Goodall. Ape: Madam, I knew Jane Goodall and you are no Jane Goodall.
Narrator: Don't worry. Nobody dies in this story. They just get really big boo-boos.
Narrator: Whew! Okay, kids, let's stop and review the important information - Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because, hey, let's face it, he's the hero.
George: Dog eat dog? Dog eat dog here? George never bringing Shep here. Uh uh. Never.
Narrator: OK, every story's gotta have a really big coincidence and here's ours:
Girl: Oh, my God...
(swinging a lion over his head while protecting Ursula) George: George not even trying hard.
N'Dugo: Bad guy falls in poop: Classic element of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready? Guides: Ready! (they all throw their heads back and laugh)
Lyle: Ursula, I found your scrunchy.
Max: Thor, were you fighting with the Narrator? Thor: He started it. Narrator: Did not. Thor: You did too. Narrator: Did not Thor: You did too. Max: Thor, stop it.
Ursula Stanhope: So I'll tell my dad first thing in the morning. Betsy: Make that second thing. First thing, I suggest you buy jungle man some clothes. (George puts on dress) George: Nice butt flap.
George: So you no want George to be Ursula's mate? Ursula's mother: I'd rather have my mouth nailed to this table every morning at breakfast. George: That hurt. Ursula's mother: Not as much as you will if you do anything to screw up my daughter's marriage to Lyle van de Groot.
George: Sometime George smash into tree. And sometime... (George screams and falls out of treehouse) George: Sometime George fall out of treehouse. But not feel stupid.
(Ursula laughs) George: No one here to feel stupid for. Just George
(looks down Ursula's shirt) George: Something funny about this fella.
Ape: George, what on earth are you doing? (George is wearing flower lei) George: George just feel like looking a little special today. That all
Ursula Stanhope: And you can watch TV, and eat, and relax, and I'll be back as soon as I can. Just stay here. Narrator: Stay here? George is king of the jungle. No four walls built by modern man can contain him George: Not true. George have every intention of doing exactly what Ursula say. Narrator: Really? Is that so? George: For a while. (grins)
Ursula Stanhope: (going crazy) Why wouldn't an ape read textbooks and why wouldn't I find myself in a treehouse with room service and a Tarzan wannabe wearing a... What do you call that thing? George: Buttflap.
Narrator: Well, Ursula's fiancé is in prison, and there's a jungle man sleeping on her balcony. She could use a best friend right now. Betsy: Hi. Ursula Stanhope: Hi. Betsy: I got here as fast as I could. Where is he? Ursula Stanhope: Oh, he's in the waterf... he's in the shower. Betsy: Not anymore. Ursula Stanhope: Oh! George. (sees him naked) George: Bad waterfall. First water get hot, then George slip on strange yellow rock. (sees Betsy) Oh. Hi, George of Jungle. Betsy: Charmed, I'm sure. Ursula Stanhope: George, take this big book. (he holds book covering his front part) Cover the booty. (puts bowl on behind) Let's get you some clothes. Sorry, Betsy. George: Bye. Betsy: No problem. (to herself) Now I can see why they made him king of the jungle.
Ursula Stanhope: And this is Neiman Marcus George: Ooh! They have big shiny cave.
Lyle: (to Max about George) Could you see if he's dangerous? George: (whiny voice) Where's my little doggy? Max: I've got a feeling he's not.
(Monkey sees George being taken away) Monkey: Ooh ooh eee eee aah aah! Mercenary: Oh, see the monkey.
Narrator: 25 years later, the bouncing baby boy has become a swinging jungle king. He is swift, he is strong, he is sure, he is smart... (George hits tree and falls down) Narrator: ... he is unconscious.
Lyle: White ape. Sounds like a drink (mockingly) Yes, bartender, I'll have two black russians and a white ape. Narrator: A drink the venal Van de Groot would be begging to imbibe, if he only knew how close the white ape was at that very moment. Flying through the foliage, surveying the scenery, and swinging on through the trees with effortless ease. George: (hits tree) Ow!
George: That close one, huh? (grins) Ursula Stanhope: Watch out for that tree! (George looks up and Ursula's head hits branch) George: Oops.
Narrator: The ape named ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome... (jungle call) Narrator: Hey, I'm pretty good at that. And wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all around good guy George of the Jungle was closer than he knew. (noises come from crate and it opens with George in it) George: Next time George find bigger box.
Max: 50 zamoles a man, what do you say? Kwame: They only speak Swahili. Swahili Guide: (in English) 100 zamoles a man and you've got a deal. Lyle: Wait a second... Max: Done. (guides laugh)
Thor: George of the Jungle must be halfway to 'Frisco by now. Narrator: But our plotting poachers were only half correct because George was all the way to San Francisco.
Thor: I'm chafing, Max. I'm chafing big-time. Max: Didn't I tell you now to wear twenty pounds of black leather in the jungle? Didn't I tell you? Cotton, I said. Cotton breathes.
Ursula's mother: When Lyle comes back from that jail, this wedding will proceed as planned. If you do ANYTHING to upset that, I'll remove your reason for wearing a loincloth.
George: (on Ursula's apartment balcony) This very high treehouse. Ursula Stanhope: Mmm-hmm. George: Good place to call animal from, sound carry. Ursula Stanhope: Oh, no... (George lets out jungle call) Ursula Stanhope: ... the neighbors.
Ape: (after George has swung into a tree, knocking himself out) Ladies and Gentlemen; I give you the 'King of the Jungle'.
(Max and Thor arrive at the tree house to capture a talking ape) Thor: There's five stinking apes out there. Which one are we taking to Vegas? Max: The one who's playing chess!
(Ursula screams at the sight of Ape) George: No, no! It's all right! Ape friend! Ape make your breakfast! Ursula Stanhope: (panicky) What does it want? What does it want? Ape: "It" wants "its" Physician's Desk Reference, if you don't mind. Unless of course you'd rather die of dengue fever. Ursula Stanhope: (laughing hysterically) That is very funny! Ape: (sarcastic) Ha, ha, ha... Ursula Stanhope: I thought I heard the monkey talk!
(Reaching the end of a long trail) Thor: Max, look! We're back at the tree house! Ape: Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me. Max: Oh, no! Narrator: "Oh, no" was right! Because even at that moment... Thor: (looking up) Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like what we should do now? Narrator: Because I don't like you. Thor: Well, I hate you, you smug son of a... Narrator: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. (there is a thunderous bang, and both Thor and Max stagger, as though hit) Narrator: Having some fun now, huh?
Ursula Stanhope: (on George) Did you just say "love"? Ursula's mother: (alarmed) No... Ursula Stanhope: You're right... Ursula's mother: Ursula... Ursula Stanhope: I love him! I'm out of here. Ursula's mother: Ursula! You can't love him! Arthur, say something! Arthur Stanhope, Ursula's Dad: Be careful out there, honey. Ursula's mother: (shouts) What? Ursula Stanhope: Goodbye, Daddy. (kisses him, then runs out of the room) Ursula's mother: Ursula, come back! Arthur, do something! Arthur Stanhope, Ursula's Dad: What would you have me do? There's obviously no stopping her. Ursula's mother: Oh, God! (she downs the rest of her drink, then goes running after Ursula) Ursula's mother: (shouts) Ursula! Arthur Stanhope, Ursula's Dad: (under his breath) God, that woman's a pain in the ass.
Narrator: Meanwhile, the Jungle King would have been upset to know that at that moment, Kwame and his men were drawing dangerously close! That is, dangerously close to shoving a coconut up Lyle's... sleeping bag.
Mercenary: (several mercenaries grab George) At ease, jungle boy!